Blurb: 1
My name is Elisabeth Lillian Baker, and I was born in the year 1511. I became immortal in the year 1528, age seventeen- forever and eternal.
My mother was burnt at the stake as a witch. For the first time, they got it right. And I inherited her powers. A witch, in the 21st century. Now here’s the twist. I’m also a vampire.
But what happens when a teenage vampire and witch allows not just one, but two mere mortals to know her secret? 2
THEY ARE COMING
THERE IS NOWHERE TO HIDE
NO ONE IS SAFE3
THE WARDENS KNOW EVERYTHING4
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Prologue:6
I like to come here sometimes.I like to just sit and watch the sunset over the water. It's a great place to just sit and think- so tranquil. I hear footsteps approaching, but am too preoccupied to turn.
"Hey," my thoughts are interrupted by a male voice. I look around, surprised.
"What are you doing here?" I ask confused. He smiles, seeming amused by my bewilderment. I can't read minds after all.
"I saw you sat here," is the only explanation he offers. He smiles at me. "I wondered if you were alright,"
"I like watching the sunset from here." I tell him, turning back in time to see the sun disappear.
"Hey, listen, do you want to...hang out at the weekend? Like we could catch a movie and a drink or something?"
I smiled, answering,
"I'd like that."
As the darkness began to set, I wandered back towards civilisation with him. I didn't need to worry about it being dark; I could more than protect myself and my family wouldn't be back from 'dinner' yet anyway. But, strangely- I didn't want to see him walk away.7
Author notes
this is the blurb and prologue for a new story. I'm not sure whether to write it or not, but the idea has been buzzing around in my head for about three months. I don't have a lot of spare time on my hands and I really ought to finish at least one story before i start another, but i really want to know what people think of this idea 
please comment!!
thank you for reading!
should I write this story?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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It's an ok beginning. Would have preferred you didn't give out all the twists because I now know what to look for when reading and I've only to see how you play the story out. If you do decide to write it I wish you the best of luck.
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thanks, that is a really good point. if i do actually write it then i will probably go back and change it anyway but i just wanted to get the ideas on paper (kind-of) lol. what twists wouldn't you have wanted to know?
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Well probably the fact that she's a vamp too. Could have left that as a surprise, probably take us back to when she was turned. But I understand you wanted to try the idea, I do it often allows me to see if it is really writable material...lol.
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It's a start, but I agree 100% with Ssmm below me, so much so that it'd be silly for me to say much else because I'd just be repeating what he said. Except to note not to forget setting and description. Without those, your reader will be constantly wondering if your characters are just floating in a void, or what. They can make or break a scene. Good luck!
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thanks i'll remember that!
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foundation writing is the nuts and bolts of a story. i know whenever you first start a story, your head is full of ideas you're just dying to get out there. but you need foundation writing. basically, you can't just throw everything out there at once. you have to lay down the foundation and the background. build up to things. if you want a romance, don't just throw the characters together and make them love each other. in real life, everything takes time. events are dependent upon other events. so instead of just making them fall in love, take your time. learn to tell both the major events, and the minor ones. have characters slowly grow closer, as in real life. basically, foundation writing is everything between the important parts, that makes them make sense. it's not nearly as fun to write until you get better at it. but it is a vital element of a good story. so for your foundation writing, remember that you need these things:
background. in order to establish your characters as deep, multi-dimensional individuals, you need to tell their story both forward, (as in moving forward in time from the beginning of the story) and backwards (explaining their past, to some extent, in order to explain why their future is what it is.). this will keep your characters from being simple two dimensional robots.
detail and explanation is also important. don't just say something happened, say how and why it happened. you can use metaphor or whatever. in other words, if there's a a single event you want to happen, don't just say it happened. break it down and explain the stages and sub-events that made it happen.
does that make sense? -
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that does make sense (not so much the 1st time but i got it the 2nd time! lol) and that's really helpful, thanks! i've already started doing what you suggested yesterday about having my own magic system and idea of vampirism so thanks 4 that again!
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uhm... so youve created the world's first novel collider? that's pretty intense. (that's a word i only use late at night.) uh, there's really not enough of the story here for me to like it or not. but the thing to remember is that it's the writing, not the idea, that makes a good story. a good author could tell you about his day of work at the post office and have you dying to read more. so while the idea is sound, and does help, remember that the idea alone won't float the story.
so you've got an immortal vampire witch. this is, i'm sorry to say, just a mishmash of the popular ideas floating around. to pull this off, you're going to need several things:
eccentric, original, and totally unique characters. you can't just recycle characters from twilight or something. (not saying you do, just saying), you need to create individuals who connect with the reader.
a new, or untried take on the subjects (magic, vampiricism, immortality). spend some time thinking of your own magic system, your own explanation of vampireness, and your own thoughts on the side effects of immortality.
and remember, the best story must have a few key elements:
conflict
a hint of romance
a dash of action
and plenty of foundation writing.
so those are the pointers i've got for you. if you did it right, this could be awesome. if you do it wrong, it will still be good, but just good, not great. -
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thank you so much for this comment! it was really helpful and i will definitely do what you suggested (ie think about it first). This may make me seem like a bit of a novice but, let's face it, i am so - what do you mean by foundation writing? i probably already know and just don't have a name for it but just so i'm clear?
thanks!
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yes
It's a promising start. I will say that the plotline is moving a tad too quickly in your prologue. I would recommend taking time to go into some detail and allow the characters to develope seperately before flinging them into a romance. But your idea strikes me as endearingly original; and your tone is strikingly matter-of-fact. This can go good places, and I think you have the skill to take it there. Well done.
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don't worry the prologue isn't really a prologue- it's not happening before the rest of the story, it's more like an excerpt from the story nearing half-way through ( i haven't even written the first paragraph yet but i can say that *rolling eyes to self* lol) thank you for the comment, and i will bear your thoughts in mind romance has to be natural, right? lol
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This looks rather interesting. I shall definately check this out. You must tell me when I can read the whole thing.
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thanks for the interest and the comment! unfortunately i haven't even written the first sentence of this story yet, so whilst i would love to be able to say oh just follow this link- i can't. i foresee months, maybe even more, of work on this story! i hope you see the result of it though!
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This looks really good, and I can't wait to read more about this.
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OMG This looks awesome, I would sooo read! lol I'm all up in yo face lately... ^-^
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haha lol is k- it's better than not being! i'm glad you like the look of this!
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