'Tis Hard to let go

She felt hopeless. Lost. She felt hurt and abandoned. Fighting a losing battle against persistent tears, Inez clasped her arms around her daughter and gave a high pitched wail. Selena wanted to leave her. She wanted to leave!1

For a selfish moment Inez hoped that Selena would regret leaving. Hoped that guilt would plague her dreams. How could she even think to leave her own mother?! Did she not appreciate anything that Inez had done for her the past nine-teen years? Apparently not.2

“You be careful baby, call me daily as we planned.”3

Everything was organised and yet the worst case scenario was always clear in the forefront of her anxious mind. Her baby in a foreign country, on the other side of the world! She could just see it now...4

Selena, her beautiful daughter, alone and without the care of her mother in the middle of winter. Finland. What did people even know about that place? No protection, rural and cold. The long dark winter Selena would be stuck in during her year away would make her sick, and her asthma play up. There would be nobody there who would know what to do, and her baby would be hospitalised in one of those rural hospitals...Selena didn’t know Finnish, how would she explain her problem?5

How Inez wished she could stop Selena from boarding the flight. 6

They separated for a time a few years prior and it had led Inez to near insanity. She often asked herself, why had Selena, of all traits, acquire the one that had her yearning for a life away and alone?7

“Mum, oww, you’re hurting me” Selena winced as Inez’s hug tightened, her fears getting darker by the second. Inez was oblivious. Her salty tears started to pour once again and it broke Selena’s heart. Goodbyes, especially one that would last and entire year, were and always would be hard. Stepping out of the final embrace even more so. 8

Selena looked into her mother’s puffy eyes and felt her own throat painfully constrict, wishing that she could just turn and run without having to face the pain-filled, hurt gaze. The guilt was starting to seep in, Inez knew it. 9

‘This is the call for Finnair flight J320. Repeat, this is a call for the Finnair flight J320.’10

Clearing her throat, Inez turned around, wiped her bitter tears and picked up Selena’s carry bag. She faced Selena and shoved the bag into her hands with a hard stare. 11

“They call you. You wouldn’t want to miss your chance to ditch me now would you?” 12

Selene gave her mother one final hug and kiss on the cheek.13

“You’re being delusional, I’ll be fine. Your paranoia is making you see the worst, I’m going to a University campus. It’ll me fine mama. I’m going to Helsinki, not some run down unpopulated town in the middle of no where, we’ve spoken about this. I will call. I love you.”14

With that, Selena hitched up her bag onto her shoulder and walked towards the terminal, leaving Inez standing alone, arms hanging by her sides like a drooping plant. It was the worst day of her life.15

Inez watched as Selena blew one final kiss from the terminal entrance before she walked through the doors and disappeared from view. 16

“My baby.”17

Staring after Selena, it was not the face of a nineteen-year-old young woman Inez saw look back at her, but the little five-year-old she had once been. On her first day of school Selena had held her hand tightly, but she did not cling onto her as other children had done. She did not cry and did not hide. Selena had released Inez’s hand, looked up, smiled, blew a kiss and waved.18

“Bye bye mummy.”19

When Inez had arrived at the school that afternoon Selena didn’t want to leave. Even then at the tender age of five, golden locks bouncing off her little shoulders, Selena w as not scared to spend time away from the house without the mother whose side she had never left. 20

“Excuse me” The light hand on her shoulder pushing her gently to the left roused Inez from her reminiscence. Turning her head to the side Inez saw the luggage buggy waiting for her and moved to the side.21

“Thank you ma’am”22

In that lightning moment, it seemed as if the airport became suddenly rowdy with people hauling large suitcases and busy talking on mobile phones. Inez felt claustrophobic. She saw mothers with their daughters, little girls rushing by their parents’ sides. It all became too much. She clutched her bag and rushed out of the airport jaw clenched, feeling the tickle of salty tears creating wet tracks down her face.23

Pushing through the throngs of people, every child became an infant Selena. Every teenager who glanced her way morphed into Selena blowing that final kiss goodbye.24

What could she possibly get from Finland that she couldn’t get here in Sydney…at home? That was when Inez heard it. Her own mother’s voice echoing in her head. 25

“Inez, why darling?” She had pleaded, “You are too young? You want to marry because your friends are? You sick of me already?”26

Being honest to herself, Inez had to admit that her choice to wed was a stupid one. It had many negative repercussions but it also gave her the best thing in her life: Selena. It was why seeing her leave was so heart wrenching. The reason Inez didn’t want her on her own. It was why Inez nursed Selena’s independence nature from such a young age. It was that thought now that kept Inez steady.27

“She is not me. She is not getting married. She’s stronger than I ever was.” 28

Inhaling the warm air outside, Inez felt better. She hugged her light cardigan against the light early autumn breeze and walked towards her car. She looked up to see a Finnair plane take off.29

“Goodbye baby. Come back when you can.”30