Losing Control

I asked him to go with me, hoping this time it would be different. It was Micheals birthday and he expected
Jake and I to both be there. 1

"Jake, we never go out anymore, and it's his birthday, just come with me." I pleaded, giving my best puppy expression.2

"Fine, but I don't want to be out all hours of the night" He replied, pouting a bit. 3

I knew that I couldn't keep that promise, at 21 you tend to stay out at all hours of the night, it's an unwritten rule of young idiots.4

We arrived at Blondie's bar around 10:30, Michael and his friends were all huddled around one table, you could tell that they had already started drinking. The air was filled with the smell of cheap perfume, booze, and the voices of infamous celebrities belting karaoke.
Mike spotted us, and waved us over, we squeezed inbetween friends and winced at the drunken version of Evanescense's "My Immortal."
After many (and I do mean many) drinks, we began to think that these versions were better then the originals.5

We drank, and drank, and sang our own drunken karaoke,
(including happy birthday Micheal....we luuv you mannn.)
We were enjoying ourselves, and Jake wanted to leave.6

"Baby come on, the boys wanna go to the strip club! Its Mikes birthday, he really wants us to go." I told him, this time my puppy face had no effect.7

"No, I'm not going, I want to go home and go to bed." Jake answered, becoming more aggitated with me.8

"I want to go, so if you are going home, then go, I will get a ride from Mike." I spatted angrily. I couldn't believe that he wouldn't spend one night out with me. I was tired of sitting at home watching him get high and play video games like a six year old. Anytime I went out, I ended up going alone. I had hit a point where I no longer cared, if he didn't have time for me, then I didn't have time for him.9

"Fine, Im leaving." I watched as Jake stormed out of the bar, I let the anger pass with a few quick breaths, and turned to enjoy the company of my friends. It was at that time that I was introduced to Rennie. He was a little taller then me and had dark hair, a muscular build, and mocha colored skin. I eyed his large chain, it didn't seem to fit well on him, but I played it off with something like,
"Oh wow, big ballin with that thing!" He laughed and pulled up the shoulder of his shirt, like he was the shit. What a dumbass.10

On to the strip club! Jake called a couple times, saying that he had changed his mind, At this point I was completely intoxicated, and angry at him for leaving in the first place. I was ready to see some hot brunette take it off for me. I remember spending way too much money because the girls are always drawn to women. I guess they figure I'm less of a pig, which is fine with me! Let them think what they want. All I know is that I ended up laying on the stage, with two of the hottest strippers slapping thier pussies on my face to pull the money from my teeth. I remember Mike, Rennie, and Shawn gawking, throwing more money for them to pull off of me. After that wet experience, I was among the crowed again, sitting next to Rennie. Rennie allowed every girl to shake thier ass for him, then pointed to Mike when they pulled out thier thong string (If you don't know, thats a strippers way of saying "Give me my money bitch") 11

After every girl, he would say "Not worth MY money."
(Once again, like he WAS the shit. Who is this guy??)
These girls get up on stage everyday, acting like they love it, telling you everything that you want to hear, so they can go home and pay the bills. This a strip club, Girls strip, you fucking pay...end of story! Damn, I wish I wasn't so drunk that night, so I could have told him that. After hitting up two strip clubs, We decided to call it a night. I sat in the passengers seat of Michael's car, which was heading farther and farther away from home. Rennie's house seemed like a palace in my drunken haze. It was rather large (I couldn't tell you how many rooms, or what they looked like for that matter.) He pulled out an expensive rum of sorts, and we were back to drinking. I remember Rennie playing a beautiful piece on the piano, and then Mike sitting down to display his skills. (And I thought the Karaoke was bad)
Mike played note after drunken note, closing his eyes as if he was mesmerized with his newly found talent. I went to the deck to smoke, mostly to get away from the noise, and Rennie followed. 12

"Your beautiful." He whispered, and attempted to kiss me. 13

"I have a boyfriend." I said, pushing him away.14

He looked around, putting his arms out in question. 15

"Where is he?"16

After the last drag of my ciggarette, and many failed kiss attempts, I went back inside.17

"Wheres Shawn?" I asked, Mike swiveled in his chair to look at me.18

"He passed out, the lightweight...HAHA." 19

I made my way to the bathroom, too much alcohol makes an unhappy bladder. When I opened the door, Rennie was standing in the doorway.20

"Kiss me." He whispered. 21

I was becoming irritated at this point, and pushed passed him, making my way upstairs to find Shawn. The first bedroom door was open, a scatter of abandoned clothes on the floor, and a passed out Shawn in the bed. I snuggled up next to him, attempting to close my eyes. The darkness spun wildly, and I'd have to open them again to steady myself. Soon enough, I felt myself drifting to sleep, until I heard the bedroom door open.22

"Shawn, get up man, let the lady have her privacy, girls only man....you gotta get out." Rennie shouted, a little to loudly in my sensitive state. 23

"Dude I'm good, right here. Let me sleep man, I'm too drunk to move."24

Rennie and Shawn argued the point for about ten minutes. Refusing to give in, Rennie told him one more time to leave.
Angrily, Shawn got up and stormed out of the room, the door shut behind him....and so did my eyes. 25

*****26

I woke up, when I felt his chain on my chest. I woke up, when I felt him on top of me. I woke up, to Rennie inside of me.27

"What are you doing?" I asked, feeling the fear set in, I could hardly speak, I could feel my breath catch in my throat.
There was no answer, his chain was so cold on my skin. 28

"Get off!" I could hear myself say it, but it didn't sound like my voice. I sounded like a small frightened child.
I pushed him hard, but he did not budge. Thoes big muscled arms did not move. I was completely helpless. My breath became more staggered, I began to cry, begging him to stop, begging God to give me the strength to push him off. I could not move him. I had never felt so scared. I was completely out of control of my own body.I remember blaming myself, telling myself 29

"THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT, YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE GONE ALONE. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF."30

Only minutes passed, but it seemed like hours, and he finally spoke.31

"You know you want it," He said. "Now kiss me."32

He leaned down to kiss my tear sticken lips.33

"NO!" I said, quickly turning my head.34

"WHY WONT YOU KISS ME?" He shouted, I felt my whole body shudder underneath his weight.35

"I want you to get off of me!!" I said, my words a studder, filled with fear and emotion. He stopped moving in and out of me. I could still feel his cold chain upon my chest, and his cold stare.
My body tensed, as I waited for him to strike me.36

"Bitch." He stammered, pulling out of me. He pushed the blankets up to cover me, pulled up his pants, and left the room.37

In the silence of the room, I felt everything pour out of me. My body started to shake uncontrollably, on every breath, a heart wrenching sob escaped my lips. My head pounded and I realized that my survival instincts had kicked in, and quickly sobered me up. I don't know if he had heared me, but soon after, Shawn opened the bedroom door. I couldn't stop crying long enough to tell him what had happened, wincing when he tried to comfort me.38

"Take me home." I finally said. "Please, just take me home."39


********************************
This is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, except that of the man who commited the crime against me. This was the hardest story I have ever had to write. I have tried to push back every painful memory of that night. It is something that I felt I needed to write. Something I needed to get out. I never reported this crime, and I regret it. I was scared, and maybe even a little ashamed. I know that it is not my fault. I blamed my boyfriend for a long time, I blamed him for not being there to protect me, but it is not his fault either. The only person to blame is Rennie. A stranger who took a part of me that I will never get back. To this day I have nightmares of that night. To this day, I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating during sex. I can feel Rennie's cold chain on my chest, and lose control. I hate that this man has control over my emotions. I hate that this stranger has put so much fear into me. I used to be so strong....
A wise friend told me that time heals all.40

As time ticks by....
I hope to overcome
the night that I was raped.