Yellow were the walls that made up my room. The top halves were painted over white. I called it the "Sunshine Room," because when the weather was good, light would seep in through my broken window shields and illuminate the whole room.1
The year is 1996, and I know this because my sister is twelve years old. Twelve years was very old to me, since our first brother James died of lung failure when he was six, the same age I am. I was relentlessly teased and told I would die too, by both my parents and my sister if I didn't study hard enough. But I always thought it was studying that had killed him.2
I woke up one morning, and found my Lego box wasn't in its usual place: under my bed. I'd been working on the castle for a month, and I couldn't bear to imagine if something bad had happened to it. 3
My mother should've known better than to throw it away again, I thought; this set was rather special. My grandmother had sent it for my birthday, and before then it had been somewhere called Shanghai. The name sounded fascinating to me; I'd named my toy bear that.4
I crept into my younger brother's room, intending to ask him if he had heard Mother come into my room and take away my prized joy, when I saw a colossal model. After staring at it for a while, I understood and sighed in relief. He was helping me complete my fortress.5
"I try to make very big so you and me can live in it, ok?" Harry said in his patchy Korean-American. He spoke very well for a four- year old, but the doctor insisted on calling him an "autistic child." I had no idea what that meant but I didn't like it, so I bit him hard on the hand one day. Though I had a bad spanking afterwards, I'm pleased to say he never came back.6
"You mean, 'I'll try to make this very big so you and I can live in it,'" I corrected him. I didn't lift his chin up so I could look into his eyes; I learned long ago he didn't like that.7
"Yeh, yeh, whateva," he agreed, in the same tone Father used whenever Mother pestered him too much.8
"Back later, come when I finish," he told me, waving his hand as if to say bye. I was hungry, so I didn't argue, and left.9
In the kitchen, I saw my sister lying down and reaching for something under the fridge. She turned her head sharply, and I quickly faced the opposite way, pretending I hadn't noticed.10
A moment's pause; and Susie called to me kindly, "Julie, come over here, I want to show you something."11
I faced her again, and walked hesitantly, afraid she would reach out and slap me. But she did nothing of the kind and instead opened up her hand, and showed me a roll of bills.12
"You know what this is?" Without waiting for an answer, she said, "It's money. Mom and Dad keep their money under the fridge because they don't trust the bank. Look how wrong they were. How much do you want, Julie?"13
I shook my head for no. Susie looked slightly confused, and I said quickly, "I want to go to the playground."14
She lightly scolded me, "You idiot. Why would you want to play with dorks, when you can have anything you want?"15
"I only want to play with Capri and Nancy!" I yelled. Capri was a
baigneur and Nancy was a friend I met in preschool.16
"Shh; fine! Get ready, I'm gonna eat something and then we're going out." She stuffed the bills in her pocket, and dug around in the granola bars box.17
"I'm hungry, too," I whined.18
Susie threw me one.19
"One for Harry, too."20
This one hit my nose, but I didn't cry out. I ate mine, and ran into Harry's room to give him the bar. He accepted it without a word, and I pulled on a shirt, then walked into the living room and sat down.21
If you've ever seen my sister eat, which you probably haven't, then you know she eats very slow, and very little. It's as if she tries to savor every bite, reducing it to a small size, and finally swallows it. I always thought it never reached her stomach, because her waist is small.22
Somehow, in no time, we were at the playground. I was on the swings with Capri, and her mother was taking pictures of us. I saw Susie wave at me, and move off to stand next to an older guy with a leather jacket. His hands roamed over her body, and she handed him some bills but not all. He frowned, but nodded and led her to the nearby park.23
I was worried. Mother had warned us about men who took girls away, and I was sure he was one of those people. On my next high whirl, I let go and shouted my sister's name.24
Capri's mother reached for me, but she never caught me. Susie turned around, so did her escort. I saw everything clearly: my fall, everybody's reaction, and my expression too, reflected on Susie's face. 25
Whoosh! I fell. I heard a sound like the earth breaking below me. My left arm was in agony, and I cried out so. 26
Author notes
AllPoetry's a tough crowd. i'm taking a leave from it.. for a while.
Julie's gonna be keeping me busy. lmao.
comment!?
baigneur- little baby doll. french!
whatami
"if willy gets the willies does nelly get the nillies?"
A contest entry
- the unsimple challenge QUALIFYING ROUND by DemApples.
100 points, ended October 26, 2008, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Qualifying Round -The Best Writer Ever!!!! by MoonRoseWolf.
300 points, ended November 28, 2008, 62 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is very good actually. Why aren't you continuing with this? O.O
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I'm still thinking up a sequel x) Thanks
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Amazing
You are such a good writer! Im soo jealous. =]
You need to write more!
XOXO
Brittany -
TITLE = 2/2PTS
STRUCTURE = 22/30PTS
FLOW = 15/15PTS
CHARACTERS = 20/20PTS
IMAGERY = 16/18PTS
DESCRIPTION = 4/5PTS
SETTING = 7/10PTS
total = 82
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x: hello?
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I enjoyed this; it had wonderful descriptions that captured my imagination right from the start. The voice of your character, Julie, was very well portrayed, and I like the innocence that comes through the words of her thoughts and observations. The story itself was perfect, but there were some grammar issues in there, which distracted me from the story here and then. Nothing too major though. Overall, great job with this. Your characters were interesting and original, and each with their own problems and personality that makes me want to read more. Fantastic!
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I love the descriptions at the start. You maintain the attention to detail throughout the story which is pleasing.
I commend you for your near absence of mistakes.
A few minor points:
Paragraph 5: "...better known better..." sounds weird.
Paragraph 24: "....lead..." should be "...led..."
The way you wrote this is very different to what you would expect. I quite enjoyed it, finding it to be refreshing. The tone used is very innocent, and perfectly suits the kind of story you are writing.
I am intrigued. Keep writing! -
*waddles in* *doesn't want a comment back, just a thank you ^.^*
The whole yellow room reminds me of bridge to terabithia how they painted the room gold *nod* Interesting (isn't a bad thing)
told I would die too, by both my parents and my sister, if I didn't study hard enough.
** That... seems a little unrealistic unless you support it, which I don't get the feeling you did.
Twelve years old was very old to me, since our first brother James died of lung failure when he was six, the same age I am.
**is he 12 or 6?
Shanghai
** love that detail!
I always thought it never reached her stomach, because her waist is small.
** Loved the way you worded this as well
*poke*
I think the room being gold should be a metaphor or something... as with his lego set.. like in the end, maybe as rage his mother smashes it which shows the crumbling of their relationship? something like that.
Didn't get... how his arm was broken to easily... like.. i kinda get the sense he may be sickly, but hint that he is frail.
Umm why a collard shirt.... i was like.. what? out of the blue? I feel like you should set us up for the fact more that maybe hes a "proper" boy. And... i'm still confused about his age.. if he's 6... whats his sister offering him money for? and why would his sister offer him money anyway.. she seems like the selfish type
*nod* Loved this character... you can see the sublties ^.^ *poke*
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I liked it! Seems a little rushed but other then that it was great! Next time if you get another idea, try to think of an interesting idea to lead it to that.
Loved it, GOOD JOB! -
I'm sorry to say that this is a bit disjointed..I can't really follow it, but it could be because I'm tired. Also, line 24 ought to have the word "led" rather than "lead", which refers to metal. I can't quite get to grips with this, and for that I'm sorry.
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