I dare not look into those eyes, for the fear that they may arrest me forever, for the fear that I shall cease to exist, trapped forever in those beautiful brown oceans.1
I shall bring my face closer to your's, closing my eyes, and with my fingers entwined into your chocolate locks, my lips place themselves over your eyelid, tickled by those softer-than-a-child eyelashes, my heart beat quickens, the pounding begins... 2
I feel your eyes move beneath your lids, like a pair of pebbles rolling smoothly on the riverbed along the course of the water. As I slowly trace my lips along those cheeks, I get tempted to feel them forever, for they are even softer than the softest thing on earth- your hair.3
Overcoming my temptation, I trace along to your lips, and immediately forget about your cheeks. Your lips! They are quivering, saying something, nothing, everything. I place my lips on to yours and die. I'm reborn again, dead again, and born allover, and all I did was kiss you. 4
As I'm born again, I hear your heart beat, soft, rhythmic. Those heartbeats do more damage than your eyes. Each beat stops mine for an eternity, and as I recover from a beat, it beats again. I'm trapped there, forever, not knowing what to do, except to listen to those beats, and feel the soft warmth of your heart, and decide, I shall never be human again. I shall become the blood that flows in you, that is always with you, moving allover in you, and is always attached to your heart.5
Love, 6
Kirin
Author notes
This is something I've never tried before... But, this one came without trying... I dedicate this to Blair
For Contest:
http://anzel-x.deviantart.com/art/ThEiR-FoRbIdDeN-LoVe-91144466 for Fantasy, Romance, Darkness
A contest entry
- 5 Love Languages by Mel-the-Believer.
100 points, ended October 8, 2008, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Hit Me With All You Got by Luckyk.
150 points, ended October 5, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Some like it hot... by Edens Angel.
175 points, ended November 21, 2008, 24 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy, Romance, Darkness by Hellcat Metal.
375 points, ended October 18, 2008, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Romance, Anybody? by Lady Eventide.
325 points, ended October 22, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Silver Tongue Erotica Contest by Mazzon.
1750 points, ended October 21, 2008, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Show Me the Love! by DaniCM.
225 points, ended November 10, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Touch Me! (Not a erotic type of contest) lol by Artificial.Smiles..
100 points, ended November 2, 2008, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Erotica prewrites by Nikki Rowles.
275 points, ended November 20, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Anything is appreciated!!
Comments
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Okay it was a really good love story...but love and erotica are not the same thing...I did like it...but yeah it doesn't fit the criteria....
Thanks anyway
*Blessed Be*
Lauren -
whoaa! this was so romantic, an this is my favorite type of story, short and with a lot of feeling!
good Luck in my Contest!!!=] -
wow!!! very very good!!!!! thanks for entering! good luck!!!
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Thank you
May you get some great entries in the contest
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Oh, this was remarkable! I could feel whatever you were going through...the starts/stops of your heart, the desire for one another. Well done!
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Awww, that was very sweet She is a lucky girl to have someone who cherish's her beauty as you do Great write
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Thank you jewl.. Glad you liked it *tries to take eyes off her, but fails miserably*
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Wow! I love this! It's so beautiful and full of beautiful imagery! I could see the characters vividly within my mind, full of life and color. " I shall become the blood that flows in you, that is always with you, moving allover in you, and is always attached to your heart." I love that line. Your structure was beautiful and everything flowed so smoothly. I could feel the passion that was being said. And I loved the prompt that you chose for this. Wonderful and well written beautiful piece! Thanks so much for entering!
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Thanks Katie!! Glad you liked it May you get some great entries in your contest!!!
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OH, MY GOD! Amazing!
Kirin, it's not because we are friends: U r a Wondeeful writer. This piece is amazing...I don't know who Blair is but what a lucky Bastard!!!It's beautiful. Seriously brought tears to my eyes. I even e-mail to a friend that is very dear to me...Just the first paragraph made my heard loop around twice. God, I just wish I was able to love someone or be loved by someone this much...Please remember me when u become that super famous writer. U deserve to be recognized by this incredible talent. Even knowing I really don't know anything about poems I'm a very reclusive person and when something give goose pumps it's because it's good. Sometimes Grammar becames a detail if the message is transmited. Love KK
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks KK!! Glad you liked it... You mailed it to you friend? I'm honored Hehe! ME, the Super Writer!! Sure, if ever I become that, I'd track you by the top authors' list and inform you, for sure
Thanks for liking it
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"for they are even softer than the most softest thing on earth- your hair."
Aside from the obvious grammar error of "most softest" you can't have something "softer" than the "softest". It just doesn't make sense. Especially when your referring to the same person. A comparative word can't be more than a superlative word.
Also, "I place my lips on to yours and die. I'm reborn again, dead again, and born allover, and all I did was kiss you." is akward and confusing. Especially when followed immediately by, "As I'm born again". Saying "reborn again" suggests that you were reborn before and now your doing it again. Followed by "dead again" makes it seem as though you've died several times at this point, and "born allover" just sounds silly! I admit however, that "all I did was kiss you" is a very nice addition, so I suggest you keep that, but revise the rest.
Overall, I did like this poem, and I think you have something good here. However, words in the form of art need to not only be pretty, but also need to flow gracefully and without distractions. I sincerely hope you edit this. If/When you do, please contact me so I may reread it.
God Bless,
~AE~
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Technically you could have most softest- as in you can gave several items in the range of softest but this one ranks at the top. But yeah for the strictest strictest ruling sense of the word you can't have most softest.
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Alright!! I've bowed to your suggestions and have now removed the 'most' annoying thing to you
Hope this now reads better.
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Lol. The only way it would be acceptable would be if you were five. There is no most softest. Basic grammar. End of subject, but thanks for the laugh anyway.
~AE~ -
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UMM actually no. As you said basic grammar but you must admit there is different grammar for different styles. And I learnt in College level literature there can be most in front of the comparison adjective but not in normal non-fictional speech and considering she is NOT writing in prose- it can be okay in this case. Not to be used in regular space but acceptable for her particular style for this peice, which is a mix of different period styles of writing, and done in a more poetic form rather than prose. Now it is end of subject.
But hey it's your contest so if you want to be total strict and only work within the framework of what is comfortable and known to you go straight ahead. You rule the contest, after all.
Dont think that I dont agree with you that most softest is wrong in most cases. The only reason that I comment that the writer here leave it is because of the more poetic style -
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Like, O.M.G! You're in college English too?
Yeah...when I said "end of subject" I meant, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm getting irritated, and I don't want my negative feelings toward your opinion to taint my judgement of an otherwise good entry.
One of my rules clearly states that I won't accept poetry. Therefore, I'm judging this as a story. Yes, I am strict. And after a day like this one, yes I am a bit of a witch.
Basic grammar. End. Of. Story.
~AE~ -
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okay cool. Like I said it's your contest. You can judge however you want and you make your rules.
But nah I'm not doing college lit anymore...when you get university you realise it goes from being about english and goes to philosphy and theories. So Psychology and History rule right now at the uni level.
And I guess I really need to learn to shut my mouth. Should not let my normal argumentative side impair someone else
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Thanks AE, for a really honest critique. I'm very grateful
"Aside from the obvious grammar error of "most softest" you can't have something "softer" than the "softest". It just doesn't make sense."
"As I'm born again". Saying "reborn again" suggests that you were reborn before and now your doing it again. Followed by "dead again" makes it seem as though you've died several times at this point, and "born allover" just sounds silly!
That was exactly the point. I just wanted to over exaggerate everything. I honestly didn't give any consideration to grammar while writing this. I just let emotions overrule my grammar. I didn't even write this for posting here. I was urged to post it here. So it is a miracle that the grammar is , almost, intact. I even feel it is the work of those illogical and imperfect words and phrases that give the intensity the piece needs.
Sure, I can edit this, but I doubt if I'll get the same feel again, after editing this in a sane mind. I may try this again, and will surely inform you if/when I do
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Considering I already commented on it, I think I'll just stick with: Good luck in the contest, even if your bad grammar was intentional, it's still bad grammar. This was a very sweet...story? I'd almost call it poetry. Anyway, I appreciate your entry and I wish you the best of luck.
~AE~
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This was beauuuuuutifully written...and those are just the few words I found to describe how I really feel about this piece...as the words are still lodged somewhere in my throat trying to escape...Great Job
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Thank you very much Glad you liked it, and yeah, thanks for the applause
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I'm so overwhelmed by the beauty of this piece! You pay so much attention to details that I didn't think most people did. This really went to my heart, and I thank you for sharing this piece with us.
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Thank you Sparkle! Truth be said, I never realized what I wrote until I read it. Glad you liked it
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Stories like this remind me how much being single sucks.
lol
Very nicely written. -
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Hehe.. Fyi, I'm single too.. So, join the club!
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awwww you posted it.
So sweet.
Well I loved it the first time and I love it this time and the next time......
It was beautiful..
I am still speechless
Blair
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Yes I did! Thank you very much, for pretty much everything
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I loved it! It was amazing! Very detailed.
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Thank you! Glad you liked
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Beautiful :)
its really a beautiful and romentic piece.i'm speechless Mani
hey what's going on? i am smelling something in air good luck dear you are in danger zone
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Thank you very much dear What? What do you smell? Nothing's wrong with me! *Ahem* What's danger, and where's a zone
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Wow, what is it with all you wonderfully passionate Indian's that can write such moving and romantic pieces? Why can't I write like this? Not even to my special someone. And this was your first try?!!!!! Wow, just wow, Kirin!
p.s. shouldn't that be child's eyelashes in p2? You've got a bit of a runon sentence in the last paragraph too. (don't I just know how to burst your bubble?)
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Thanks toni! Guess all you need is an inspiration May be the cheap Indian romance flicks with songs every twenty mins make us write this way?
p.s: Go toni Go! Thanks for the honest critique. I always make my bubbles critic proof, if you must know Glad you could enjoy this, and glad you helped me improve this
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