my diary from 10/4/08 12:53am- present

Friday-10/4/081

I've decided to amke a diary for a few reasons, one somebody on Allpoetry said it would help me, and two it just might make me a little more sane. Or just let me descover just how crazy I really am.2

My alarm clock went off at 5:30 this morning, and as usual I pushed the snooze button so I can sleep in till the last minute. Like most mornings I saw no point in even getting up, I thought to myself that I should just wast away in my comfortable warm bed.3

Than at 6 am I finally got up and took a shower like I do every morning to wake myself up. After my shower I went downstairs to make me some coffee like I do every morning, as the coffee was brewing I went up stairs to do my home work I never started which isnt good since my AP classes will kill me for that.4

Than before I knew it, it was 6:50, so I grabbed my bag, took a small sip of coffee, and ran to school. When I finally arrived at school, they were having some sort of pep rally in the courtyard, ignoring it I walked up to Chase and her boyfriend Josh, they were cuddling with each other so I decided to ruin their perfect moment by comming up to them and whispering in their ear, "Lets the bodies hit they floor". they laughed like they do everyday. The three of us chatted awhile until Logan glumped me and dragged me over to Marlee, Chansey, Casey, Joey and Zack.5

We discussed who should go into the middle of the pep rally and yell mosh pit, they elected me because, one it was my idead, and two because I can do a very well screamo voice.6

The bell went off and everybody went to class, which in my case was my AP english 3-4 class. As I was making my way toward my seat, Mrs Shepard stopped me and told me that I needed to start doing my work, because I had to write an essay which me not doing it brought my grade from a "A" to an "F", so she gave me till next Friday to finish.7

My seconed hour class is biology, and I stumbled into the wrong room again. This class is usually depressing because its so boring, so I just sleep, but today we had a sub, thankfully I wasnt tired, but I was depressed from what happened yesterday. So I just unseccesfully tried to sleep, when the teacher asked "whats wrong?" I just told her that I was depressed, but I'll get over it hopefully soon.8

My third hour class is AP World History, which is my favorite class most of the time. Mr Johnston lectured about the early Christain church today, which I found quite entertaining. Although I was pretty depressed still, because in this period I have no friends. He lectures everyday unless we have a test, speaking of test I should probably study for the one on Monday.9

My fourth hour class is Algebra 1-2, My teacher in this class is pretty crabby, but at times she can be nice. We basically did a test, and after my test I worked on homework that was due a few weeks ago. I was pretty depressed during this class as well, because Mrs. McAbbee just loves to make rude comments about how I should do my work, but she says it in a way which makes me feel dumb.10

My fifth hour class is Lunch. I sat with Casey, Marlee, Zack, and that one girl who sits with us, and today I acctually ate, that one girl gave me a sandwhich, and casey gave me her chips. Someday I'll remember that one girls name, we hang out everyday. I walked to my sixth hour class feeling really fat, because I never eat lunch.11

My sixth hour class is Health, my teacher Mr. Reyling is pretty cool. I say this because he likes my sense of humor. Ironically in Health were going over anxiety, depression, and resiliancy. We had a test on it today and I got 100% on it, but it was easy since I had taken that same class last year.12

My seventh and final hour of the day is Spanish. Senora Suddarth is Marlee's aunt, therefore she is my favorite teacher and she even admits that I am her favorite student. This class is the class which makes me want to gouge out somebody's eyes. Most students in this class are very disrespectful to her, wont listen to her, and they talk so much that I can't hear the lesson. Everyday after school though I stay after to help her clean up or just chat with her. She usually says how I work really hard in her class and how Im the perfect student, I just say that I'm saorry that so many of the other students are so rude to her.13

Than I walked home, usually while I'm walking, I ponder about random useless things that I don't remember later on. When I got home my dad was there, I forgot he didn't work today. As I was giving him a hug, he told me that I should make sure my bathroom and my room are clean, so that when we go pick Leeanne up from the airport, that she can see that we kept our areas clean while her boys trashed everything else. So I made myself a soda and walked upstairs to clean. There wasn't much to clean, since I keep my room tidy, all I did was move around things here and there. On the other hand, I share the bathroom with the boys and they like to burn things in there. I wasn't planning on cleaning any of their messes but I did because my dad had asked me to.14

Around 3:00 my dad and I left for the airport to pick up Leeanne. While we were waiting for her plane we stood on top of the parking gradge wacthing planes land. I told him that one day Im going to get a piolets liscense, buy two World War two fighter planes, and we're goning to play paintball in them.15

On the way home, we were quiet as we at least acted like we were listening to leeanne tell us about Massachusetts. I did feel kind of bad for her because she was on the plane for about six hours.16

When we arrived home I went straight up to my room to get on the computer. I checked my Myspace, and Kat had sent me some more hateful messages, I told my ex about it and he said that he will talk to her about it, I told him not to because shes just being a immature little jealous girl, so than we laughed at her immaturaty, although it still hurt pretty bad because of what she had said.17

I was on Allpoetry and was thinking about how umwanted I am. than I started to chat with a few people in one of my groups, and they made me feel alot better. Theyt old me that I should start a diary so here I am right now.18

That was how my day went, and now its about 1:30 am and Im tired so Im going to bed now. good night.19

Saturday 10/5/0820

I woke up this morning around 8 am listening to the little boys fight and cuss at their mom. I just laid in bed thinking how she needs to discipline them every once in a while. I eventually dozed back into sleep around nineish.21

Than around noon I heard fighting once again, so I decided to get up and turn on my music to block out all of the yelling and screaming.
Eventually I decided to go downstairs when to fighting finally subsided to get some breakfest, than I went back upstairs to the computer to listen to music. While I was on the computer I once again became depressed the conversation will not be in here since it is so long.
soon after the conversation had ended, i decided that my life isnt worth anything. so I than went to the bathroom and overdosed on pills, thinking this time i will finally die.22

23

LATER THAT NIGHT:24

I was feeling really high from the drugs so I was hoping that my life would end, but than I started to think of James and Nathan, how much they care for me, so I messaged them on myspace telling them how much I love them, I even took a razor and carved a heart to my arm, and sent them a picture of it. They messaged me back saying how worried they are at me, but at that moment I didnt care.25

26


10/6/0827


Today I woke up at 7 am, but church didnt start until 10:30, so I got onto myspace to check my messages and they still wont reply. Im going crazy over this, if they're mad at me than I dont know what I would do with myself. These are the two most best friends I ever had.
Church was basically same old same old, although after church I went to a family picnic which was awkard because I didn't know anybody there.