Lately, there is a numb feeling in my bones and I can't feel anything good or bad or evil or warm or. . . anything, nor do I want to. Life scares me because I keep thinking I need to know what everything means, why it hurts so much, and why I can't seem to feel normal or happy or secure. Most of the time, I'm alright, I can shove this feeling down so that it stops burning my throat and breaking my heart (even though then it just churns deeper into my soul and sometimes I can't hold the tears back any longer).1
I'm so done with this madness. I'm out - the cards are gone from the deck and the shit already hit the fan. I think I'll go throw some more and turn the fan up higher and hope that nothing I love is within splattering distance.2
Part 2 - After My So-Called Recovery3
I thought I was better. I made the choice to be happy, which we all know is pending but I thought I'd sealed the deal without even going to the doctor. 4
Deals are never sealed and humans are not reliable.5
I am so jealous of those people who can just 'be'. . . they don't seem to constantly worry and I'm betting they don't feel like there's a fire alarm going off inside of them that they can't turn off or let out so it just goes echoechoecho right down to their toes, which they can't stop thinking about either. 6
Some explore promiscuity, artistry or just mindlessness. I've mastered some of these hobbies, but if I just sit and watch someone, the mindless part is lost on me and I wonder if every person I'm around feels as insane as I do or if this is just a phase and I'll finally wake up from my alternate universe one day and just 'be.'7
It's not very much fun to wonder about these things.8
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
-
The second part makes me think you are talking about anxiety disorder ... but maybe there is more?
Your writing is very good. As for the subject, I can say that yes, people are not reliable, but that does not mean there is noone that you can rely on. You may not be able to trust people, and there may be a good reason for that, but that doesn't mean that there is nobody you can trust. Sometimes even the doctor can't cure it, but it can get better - there is hope.
Good job. -
Ash, I really hope you will talk to me soon! You are worrying me to death. You know that I care about you deeply and I don't want anything to happen to you, but this is really scaring me. You are saying this with a unhealthy tone; the tone I've taken so many times and almost not come out of it. I just don't want you to feel alone, okay? I know you aren't ready to talk yet, but when you are, you know how to find me, kk?
Love ya chica!
Jess -
oh wow...this is really great, its sad and deep. i can relate this in so many ways...you do a great job writing this, i like the part "Life scares me because I keep thinking I need to know what everything means, why it hurts so much, and why I can't seem to feel normal or happy or secure."
thats really great, i know what thats like. good job, can't wait to read this again when its done!
-Emily
Adding your comment:
