My Story - Chapter 1. ( In the Beginning)

Chapter 1.  In the Beginning1

I can still remember my childhood as though I had just lived it yesterday.  I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family consisting of two divorced parents.  I have always lived with my mother, as long back as I can remember.  She taught me all the essences of life, from tying your shoes to folding your laundry.  She was never one to make quick judgment, and she always took the time to get to know your opinion before she ever found fault with it.  2

It was in my earlier days that I was the happiest.  Running home from school to see my mother or to play with my friends.  Playing Jacks on the sidewalk, or swimming in the city pool during the summer were always two of my favorite activities.  We would bask outside in the dimming August days, watching the sunset deep into the western sky wondering if life could really get any better.  At night, I would sleep, knowing that the world could never change and that I would always have a place, wherever it was, that I was wanted.  3

Looking back now, I realize the naiveté of a child’s perception on reality.  Children it seems are the most understanding of God’s creations.  They always find a way around what you’re saying in order to fit your actions into their quaint schemas.  Some take great strides to assure themselves that whatever is happening, is happening for a reason.  As such, the changes that occurred early in my life were easily overlooked by my innocent, and somewhat ignorant, perception of reality.  4

It started subtly at first; my sister began to shy away from me.  Finding her own interests, she began to interact with me less and less.  At first we would play together more sporadically, finding time to specialize our interests into something constructive.  Eventually, she became absorbed with her friends, and I spent more time playing by myself and watching television.  As we moved through grade school, it progressed even further.  Since the time that I’ve been able to compete in athletics, I have spent the majority of my extra time practicing techniques and the abilities needed to succeed in these activities.  I also began to compete in many other extracurricular activities including The National FFA Foundation (FFA), and our local chapter of the Business Professionals of America (BPA).  The more I progressed, the more time I had to spend, isolated, in order to improve my skills in these areas.  I became obsessed with these activities often turning down opportunities from friends, and family, to engage in other things such as going to movies and dances.5

It was during this time of transition, during my adolescence, I realized the first step into the process, Separation.  Most people who are suicidal have separated themselves either physically, emotionally, or both, from their peers and/or their family.  The solace they find in being alone provides an empty sense of assurance in their independence.  I’ll explain this point, and many others, in the next chapter.6