The Absolution Of The Wall Flower

[Chapter 1] <--Hello, It's Me, Roxy. 1

I felt the wind breathe life into my newly awakened eyes. It was coffee Tuesday—my ritual, coffee cup in hand. One of nine…or ten. I wiped away the sleep, discomfort, and the many, many thoughts that had made my forehead their hometown. Gloomy? Maybe. I guess I just think of it as a normal day at the coffee shop. 2

But, am I honestly even there? Technically, maybe. 3

I might just be driving by in my almost-dead Volkswagen, merely dreaming I was there. I was from head to toe in French vanilla cappuccino bliss. 4

Ah, the beauties of the everyday, ordinary daydream…5

Puff…puff…6

Puff.7

I was sucking up my personal, polluted oxygen. Yummy. It was my very own ashtray. A whirlwind of cancer. I should be stopping this insanity, but I just keep puffing like that stupid magical dragon that lives by that stupid sea. I was really feeling it now: the elasticity of my face decreasing, my skin losing its sheer complexion. My teeth yellowing like glossy, thick butter forming over old popcorn. My eyes glazy with donut circles that had aged way over their expiration date.8

This was my twenty year-old face? 9

This was me, after years of swearing that I’d never end up like this?10

My young face…11

had become nothing but another, stupid memory.12

My rusty hair formed sporadically out of my scalp, much like the crumbling walls of my ever-blackening esophagus. My black cardigan buttoned down –flailing in the breeze. The red undershirt peeking over, blending with the golden weaved necklace wrapped around my neck. My mouth was perfectly in sync with every word, every lyric blasting on my stereo. 13

“We danced in perfect time,14

To a love so much refined…”15

This, my dear reader, was nothing but a normal day in Roxanne Harper’s world. 16

[Chapter 2] <-- Cracked.17

I watched the gathering of people waltz by me slowly, undeniably thinking the same, ordinary thoughts every stereotypical, college student does.18

“Oh my god, I’m so freaking tired!”19

“This test is going to kick my ass…”20

“How the hell does the Pythagorean Theorem go again?” 21

Unlike me, and my random, morbid thoughts I probably looked like a psycho killer, a smile plastered across my pale face. My eyeliner eyes darkening with fire.22

“That [insert body part here] would look good on my life-size version of Sid Vicious in my closet…”23

I wonder if Jack The Ripper would’ve killed me…”24

“Hm. I want some pigeon. That sounds sexy.”25

I walked into the pale, slightly wallpapered classroom, looking at all of my dull-faced classmates. Each part of their face looking as if time had completely escaped them and couldn’t even speak with words anymore. This is how I felt pretty much every day of my life.26

The teacher walked in and automatically “sophistication” spilled all over the floor, all over my old converse shoes, and in the minds of each and every kid in that classroom. 27

His name was Ned. Ned Norbit. 28

Ned was an awkward sort. He was a short man with gray hair, in wisps, gathering on his head. He wore these weird little Goodwill ties and smelled like dissected animals. 29

My kinda guy. 30

He stared at me more frequently today, spitting out each overly emphasized word. It really freaked me out. Sweat pulsating its way over my freckles, and my eyes losing their wetness. 31

I have a really bad anxiety problem. I probably shouldn’t drink coffee because of that fact. That doesn’t ever stop me.32

All of a sudden,33

“Roxanne.” Ned said, staring me down.34

His face literally looked like a roughly pealed potato. He was like a Mister Potato Head, only less interesting. His eyes darted out of his head as they bug-ly crawled their way to my desk, and then to my face. 35

“Yes?” I asked, gulping.36

“I would like you to read your poem to the class.” He said, taking out my poem from the homework stack.37

My body shifted further and further into my seat. This was more than humiliating. 38

“Mine?” I asked.39

“Yours was the best in the class. I would really like for you to read it.” He said, smiling in an eerie way.40

“Uhm. Okay?” I said, standing up and taking my poem. 41

I pulled my hoodie over my freezing hands, as they shook for a million reasons. I couldn’t help but start to shift my weight from each foot every 5 seconds. I bit my lip so hard that it caused bruise marks, and I hadn’t even started yet.42

I nervously laughed and began reading.43

“The coffee lies placid, blackening with fear atop my lungs. 44

My vocal chords run dry, bone dry, swallowing dust…” 45

The door swung open to the most attractive human being I’ve ever met in my life, Billy Forrester. 46

“I …I…” I said, holding my paper, shaking. 47

Every thought I had processed in those few seconds suddenly rushed to my head.48

He slightly winked at me and smiled.49

It was as if the world had stopped…50

No, wait, it really did… with a thud on the floor, I passed out completely.51

[Chapter 3] <--Billy Forrester.52

“Roxanne?” A light, smooth voice asked.53

My eyes slightly opened, flapping in the humidity of the room. The smell of Billy Forrester nearing my face intensified as he drew closer. His Adidas cologne invaded my senses. His hands, soft but slightly creased, wiped my forehead of sweat. 54

“…Rox?” He repeated.55

I slightly gathered my thoughts and shot open my eyes, sitting up. I covered the room with my gaze, circling the students in the classroom, Ned, and all of the papers and pencils sitting atop the unpolished desks. 56

“Billy?” I asked, finally starting to focus more on facial features. “What happened?” 57

“You kinda blacked out, hun.” He said.58

“Too much alcohol.” I said, standing up and dusting myself.59

“Ha. Nice.” He said. 60

“I should say so.” I said, as the bell rang.61

I walked to my desk as he passed by me. His scent filled my nose once more as he bent down closer to my ear. 62

Billy Forrester, has been my crush for quite some time now. He was a goth kid, with dark hair, and a beautiful smile. He had a smooth, poetic tone to his voice that made you want to shoot yourself, it was so intoxicating. 63

“Here’s my number.” He said, sliding his number in my jacket pocket.64

I picked up my books and shuffled my way out of the room, where Marie stood. Her arms were crossed as usual and she stood in an unreleased energy stance.65

“Billy was checking your shit out by the way.” Marie scoffed, looking at me disgustingly.66

Marie was a freshman in college. She was 18, but acted smarter than she let on most of the time. She was very anti-penis and loved women. Even though she already proposed pure lesbianism, she would never date a woman. She was slightly confusing, but that’s why she’s my best friend, the only person I ever talk to67

She also hated Billy with a passion. She would never tell me why, but she had this awkward hatred towards him. She’d go on for hours about her many plots to kill him, but never why she hated the poor boy.68

“Uhm. Cool?” I said, putting up my books. 69

“I thought you were jonesing for that gothy nerd. You’ve been all up on that since 5th.” She said, with a tone to her voice that showed her frank disinterest, popping a piece of gum in her mouth.70

“I don’t “jones” whatever the hell that means. It doesn’t matter, I don’t really care…” I said, as I noticed the creepy blonde behind the freaking trashcan. 71

Tess. Tess Morgan. Tess was also a freshman in college. She was extremely blonde, incredibly beautiful, and stalked Billy. She would sit behind that stupid freaking trashcan every afternoon. She’d peak her head out at exactly 2:15 p.m., to check out Billy. Every Saturday, she’d sit at the bench near Pac Sun, watching him fold shirts, chatting with customers, or hell, picking freaking pocket lint off his jeans. She knew his schedule up and down, and could probably recite it on command. She needs to die. 72

“Metallic trashcan… not your color.” I said, looking at her.73

“Wh-whaaat?” She asked, standing up, tugging at one of her pigtails, nervously.74

“Give me a break, Barbie ass,” I said. “You’re a freshman in college and you’re still wearing pigtails. Get over yourself.” 75

“I like pigtails. Billy likes my pigtails. He says they’re cute.” She said, trying to sound convincing.76

“Billy doesn’t even know you!” I said, raising my eyebrow.77

“Well… Well… Well! He will! He does! He can! My life-size Billy Forrester shrine told me yesterday that in approximately 2 weeks, 36 minutes ...carry the two… 53.5 seconds that he’ll finally pick up my pencil.” She said, twirling her pigtail. 78

“…Wow. I’m gone. I have nothing else to say.” I said, eyes widening and walking back to Marie. 79

Marie changed her position, she was more in a “thinking” pose now. She looked like she was deep in thought until I walked up.80

“I think I’m going to chain myself to the boy’s bathroom.” She said, walking away.81

I turned around and looked at her, “Why?” 82

“Kicks?” She said, walking down the hall. 83

I decided to head on my way to my apartment, backpack sliding down my shoulder blade. I was slightly excited about this calling Billy business. I know, slightly corny, right? It’s different when you have something to actually wake up for in the morning. It’s more than just practically eating cigarettes and sucking down coffee in mass bucket-size amounts. 84

Walking down the sidewalk, I was about a mile away from my house. My house, slightly aging, still had a fairly good-looking quality about it. The siding was slightly dulling, but overall, still had a great look. My mailbox, painted blue, stood beside the patio in front of the back door, slightly opening with the wind. With the way everything was positioned with my house, it kind of looked like it was looking at you. It was like one of those creepy old men in deserted parking lots that rape little children. Maybe not. 85

I walked inside my house, running up the stairs. I made a blanket angel on my bed, wrapping myself in all of its warmness. All I needed was a large café mocha and a cigarette. You know how much I love that cancer.86

The hours rolled by slowly. The night’s mysterious quality engulfed the day’s shine. The shadows lurked behind each and every corner that sculpted itself in my room. The night carried with it some kind of eerie glow and it made me feel uncomfortable as I layed there for hours just soaking up the quiet. 87

Screw that. Too quiet. I decided to call Billy. I dialed the numbers that were scribbled on his piece of paper.88

RING RING RING RING.89

RING RING RINGETY RING.90

RING RING RING RINGGGG.91

No answer.92

Whatever. He might be asleep or something. I decided to close my eyes and attempt some form of sleep until my phone started to ring.93

RRRRRRRRRRRRING.94

“I guess I thought too soon.” I said aloud to myself, as I grabbed my phone.95

I flipped open the phone and RESTRICTED replaced the space for the number. I got a little confused but pushed send anyway. It could be some random telemarketer, which would be cool. I could have a conversation with a sexy telemarketer. What could be better? 96

“Yiggidy?” I asked, into the phone.97

“Bridge, 9:45, be there.” A dark voice said, hanging up.98

“…Yooookay?” I asked, hanging up. 99

The Chester Ranch Bridge was about half a block down from my apartment. It was rather old, it wouldn’t stop falling apart. I think it’s older than my great grandparents. You gotta be ancient if you’re older than them, I swear. 100

I bore a big, gaping hole into my clock, as the minutes ticked slowly. I couldn’t believe I was even considering the directions I was given. I could get raped. I could get murdered. I could get candy. 101

I like candy.102

I stretched my arms into my solid, black hoodie. I slid my previously tied chucks on, puffed my hair up with hairspray, slid on eyeliner around my eyes, and I was off to the bridge. This could end in a really bad manner, but I honestly didn’t care. Nothing else ever happened that was remotely of an interesting value, so this can go in some kind of book. 103

As I inched the bridge, I noticed a couple of people, groping against the side of the bridge. The girl had her legs wrapped around the boy’s waist. His hands were around her waist. I started to depict actual features after a few second. Two blondes. One had …104

…Pigtails…105

Oh god. What the hell? Why did they ask me to meet here? I don’t want to have to talk to Barbie [middle school edition]. I continued walking, hoping that maybe my guest would pop out from some kind of shadow. I gathered a cigarette in my hand, and lit it. The puffs of smoke releasing pieces and pieces of me as the seconds went by. I leaned against one of the posts beside the bridge, occasionally looking at my cell phone. 106

Tess turned around after a few seconds of me staring into the darkness. She wiped her lips off and smiled, turning towards me more. Behind her, was a very intoxicated Billy. 107

“Yiggg-g-g-g-gggidy, sunshine.” He said, falling over himself, walking towards me.108

I crossed my arms, tears filling my eyes. I had this overwhelming vomit build-up curdling hard inside my throat. I could smell the stench of sweat and vodka on him as he neared me. 109

“Aw. Are you sad, my sweet?” He said, touching my face.110

I backed away from him. I could not believe this the Billy freaking Forrester I had swooned over for so many years. This was the Billy that held the scent that could send my body into convulsions. This was that same freaking Billy. 111

“Screw this.” I said, starting to walk away.112

“Wait, Roxanne.” Tess said.113

I sighed and turned around. I gathered her gaze in mine. I never saw her eyes harbor so much feeling. It almost looked as if she caught a thought. I make it sound like some kind of a disease…114

“What? Are you gonna tell me I’m wrong? Go ahead. You can have the freaking kid. Please. Be my freaking guest. Peace, sluts.” I said, walking away, throwing the cigarette on the ground, smashing it with my converse shoe.115

“Roxy, baby, I love you. I love your poetry. Come back-k-k.. sweetheart.”Billy said.116

I just kept on walking and as I took the next few steps, I heard the worst sound I have ever heard in my life. I span around fast and looked at the bridge that only held Tess.117

“Tess, what the hell did you just freaking do?” I asked, running back to the bridge.118

“I…I…I… I swear. Oh my god.” She said, tugging her hair fast, nervously. “That’s not what was supposed to happen. I… I didn’t push him. He just kind of accidentally fell to his horrible death?” 119

I looked down into the blackness. The shadowy path to Billy’s rocky grave. The wind whistled around, shifting rocks and various weeds along the bridge. I thought back to all the times that I could’ve talked to him, and the times when I choked up when I thought of him. I couldn’t help to think that I will never know if he truly ever liked me back. Maybe it was all just a ploy to let me down easy, or to just let me know that he was an extreme dickhead and needed to die. I grabbed the side of the bridge, and gave it one last look.120

…I think Billy would’ve wanted me to do that. 121