Daniel’s Story is the debut novel of an epic series called The Dread War. 1
Things start to get crazy when Daniel Wise and his best friend, Catherine Valley, are chased down by two strangers. When all hope seems to be lost, their pursuers reveal themselves as friends and tells them that they’ve come for Daniel and Catherine’s help. After talking with them, Daniel finds out that these two were friends of his father who disappeared when Daniel was only a baby. On top of this, they, Lyle and Roy, are from another world, one they call Aleyas, and so was Daniel’s father, Llore. Lyle and Roy were sent for Daniel and Catherine under direct orders from the Throne of Jenchro Vau, one of the most influential and powerful cities in Aleyas.2
With a drastic increase in Fiend activity, (A foul species of man with a terrible thirst for blood.) and the rise of a disturbing prophecy, the people of Aleyas have begun to fear the worst. In response to these things, the Throne of Jenchro Vau ordered the retrieval of Llore’s son and the one he loves. According to the Throne, they are the keys to stopping the fulfillment of the prophecy.3
[When the people are lost, evil will grow.4
The light of day will wane, no one will know.5
Answers are looked for, though never chosen.6
The warmest of heart is really frozen.7
Two bloods in one, and the war has begun.8
With the one he loves, your death will be won.9
Search your reflection, that’s where he resides.10
Can you find where the last one now hides?]11
Travel to Aleyas is done by means of mirrors, but not just any mirrors. Only the Mirrors of Jegual grant a person access from one world to the next. Despite the mirrors’ long reach into history though, where they came from and how they work is still a mystery. There are only three currently in existence, one of which has not yet been located. 12
Aleyas is a very majestic and beautiful world full of wonder and mystery. Within minutes of their arrival, Daniel and Catherine are exposed to this incredible world’s epic proportion. Their journey begins in the middle of the Unborn Forest, where it’s said life itself began in Aleyas. The trees here are massive, even compared to the redwoods and sequoias of California, and they’re not even the largest in the ancient wood. 13
Before the group is in Aleyas for even a day, things go wrong when they’re ambushed by Fiend. Daniel is kidnapped, Lyle is missing, and Roy is left fighting for Catherine’s life. 14
As the story progresses, Daniel learns more about his father and the blood that’s running through his own veins. In doing so, he discovers secrets about what the enemy has planned for Aleyas and, to his horror and dismay, Earth. With this dire information, he travels to the city of Saphinia, another of the leading cities of Aleyas, as fast as he can with the aide of a small group who’s agreed to help him see his mission through to the end. 15
After getting Catherine’s wounds in a manageable condition, Roy has no choice but to press on to Jenchro Vau to deliver the terrible news of what’s happened, dragging Catherine along with him. When he’s reported all that’s occurred, he and Catherine are immediately sent back out in search of Daniel with one other, an older woman being sent to help them with their quest. When he presses on about Lyle and what should be done about him, the Throne declares that he’s a lost cause and that while his disappearance is regrettable, his recovery is not a pressing matter. 16
Hurt and angry, Roy and his small group make haste to the enemies last known location in hope of clues to Daniel’s location. 17
While Daniel, Roy, Catherine, and their allies travel the many terrains of Aleyas, true evil watches from the shadows as things continue to run smoothly for the side that wishes ill on life itself.18
Author notes
The prophecy that I gave here is just a rough outline of sorts. It does what I need it to do, so that's why I'm using what's there.
A contest entry
- Chaptered Works by Thorn-on-the-Rose.
175 points, ended October 13, 2008, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Novels and Chaptered Works 2 by tallblondie.
1000 points, ended December 15, 2008, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
[1] Grammar, spelling and punctuation.
The major thing I noticed was your incorrect dialogue tagging. For instance:
“I’ll be fine.” He said simply. “Where are we going?”
“To the only place of any importance to us.” Lyle said with a smile. “Don’t worry though, it’s not as far as you might think.”
In both the cases where the dialogue tag of 'said' follows the speech, the correct form should be:
“I’ll be fine,” he said simply. “Where are we going?”
“To the only place of any importance to us,” Lyle said with a smile. “Don’t worry though, it’s not as far as you might think.”
This is because what is in the speech is an incomplete sentence, and what follows it completes the sentence. It makes it easy to learn if you remove the quotation marks - if what remains is grammatically incorrect, you need to replace the full stop with a comma. As a general rule, every quote that is followed by an acknowledgement that someone spoke should be punctuated with a comma.
You also had some difficulties with homonyms - words that sound exactly the same, but are spelled differently and have completely different meanings. The one I noticed was the there/their/they're error. Just something to be thoughtful of for future edits of your story.
Another thing was your use of semi-colons. These are only used to punctuate compound sentences - where what appears before and after the (
is a complete sentence in itself. If you want a break of thought, a comma should be used instead. For example in para 19:
Her clothing was practically the same as Daniel’s, only; her bottoms were a knee-length skirt rather than pants.
Apart from these things, your spelling and other punctuation seemed fairly solid.
[2] Word usage.
I liked the vocabulary you used to describe the setting - though there are some places that I think you could add more to make the scene 'stand out' from the surrounding narrative. Rich descriptive language is good when used like this (too much can overwhelm a reader) - a good way to highlight a particular scene - especially one that you wish to remain in the reader's mind for them to refer back to as they read your story. Being a fantasy world, this type of extra description is a good way to paint the world exactly as you wish your audience to see it.
[3] Style and continuity.
I noticed that you tend to use passive voice quite a bit in telling the story. While passive voice can be used in creating a setting, active voice is much better to utilise as it involves the reader more. A good indicator of overuse of passive voice is when the words 'was', 'to be', 'seemed', 'appeared' etc are peppered through the entire narrative - even when accompanied by action. With active voice, however, the noun 'acts' through good use of verbs. For example you have used active voice quite well here:
You could see all the way to the bottom from its banks and on the other side was a little brook that emptied into the crystal, clear water. The resonating gurgle of the water brought upon a feeling of peace that helped Daniel relax.
You also need to be careful not to let second person POV slip into your third-person narrative. At a couple of points when describing how something effects the characters, you use 'your' or 'you' - these should be only used in the second person POV. When you use these, try denoting them as belonging to one of the characters.
[4] Story components.
You seem to have good flow in the story - nothing seemed to lag or halt in places. I think you do need to vary your sentence structure - for much the same reason as adding more description in places, and that it alters your pacing. Leading into something exciting, you want shorter, snappier sentences. The characters in the chapter you provided were also nicely rounded, but I did have trouble picturing them. That may be because you provided physical descriptions in an earlier chapter. However, it is always good in novels to occasionally refer to some sort of physical attribute from time to time, rather than rely on a description you gave four or five chapters previously. Readers can be forgetful. Once a reader can't picture a character, they will start to lose empathy for the character, as well as be able to relate to them. Once that happens, the reader will no longer be as engaged in your story.
[5] Literary value.
Being a fantasy world, you have an advantage over other fiction in that the world view in your control. However, you should make full use of this - and really bring the world to life. Your story line for this is quite well thought out and complex - and should attract people to read simply based on the premise that it is interesting.
Thank you for your entry in Novels and Chaptered Works 2.
-
This is pretty intruiging (spelling??) I think it's something I could get into, great job =DD and good luck in the contest(s)
-Dani -
Curious
Analysises like this make people curious about a story, which a pretty good idea. I will certainly read it when I am done reading other novels on SW!
Adding your comment:
