Letter from an anguished lover

This is not easy to write.1

Do you think people know that they are going insane? After three days I already think my marbles are well and truly gone! The eating and sleeping this is odd. I haven’t eaten properly for a week now, but since I was cast aside, the very idea of food makes me nauseous. Sleeping’s just cruel. It takes so long to drift off. Hours. And when I finally do, I start dreaming. Just little things: your fingers; what your hair feels like; your little quirks, random dislikes: Strong air freshener; bright lights; and artificial flowers. I wake up, tears soaking my pillow. ‘Clutching my hands together, Poor substitute for your touch.’ I think I know that poem off by heart. Written for me. 2

The insanity comes in other ways. It sounds like we’ve been apart years, well, it feels that way. I’ve started laughing hysterically at things. Well I think they’re funny, even if I don’t know why. I don’t smile any more either. I think my face would crack at such falseness. 3

What else is there? Memory’s going too! Oh yes, the all important question: Why? You never said, then again, telling me by text wasn’t the most considerate of things, is it? You even took that dignity away from me, along with my confidence, my self esteem, my happiness and my trust.4

You say in your poems that I must hate you. That set me off laughing, however hollowly. It is both mentally and physically impossible for me to do that, and you damn well know it, however angry and upset I may be.5

Paul tells me you’ve been talking about suicide a lot recently. It worries me. It may just be your usual Fredness, but it stops now, or I’ll ding you one before I swing. I know! I know I’m a hypocrite, but hey, that’s just me. If you go then everything’s gone for me. ‘My light, my life, is gone from the world’. Besides, if I go, then I’m out of your hair forever. Much better for everyone, although Amy needs talking into quitting talking me out of it, as does Natalie. Does that make sense? It does to me.6

Sorry about the title, do you mind? I know I’m not Sarah, but I couldn’t let the opportunity pass. Speaking of whom, I don’t suppose you could ask her to write some more poetry? I love her style and wish I was half as good.7

I could go into lots of weeping and wailing, but that’s not my thing. I’ve never been one for the ‘Tell me or I’ll die-Has your heart found another?’ As I know it probably has. I know you, believe it or not, plus, I think I’ve cried all the tears I have. Not that I’m no longer grieving, I’m just finally getting used to the idea, which is a completely different thing.8

Also, I still have a part of you with me. Do you remember me saying you’d put some of your energy into that crystal you gave me? It’s a great comfort at the moment. As I said in a comment on your recent work, I have some things I meant to send to you for Valentine’s Day and your birthday. Please may I send them? I don’t particularly want to have wasted £30. I also asked if you’d tell me when/if you feel ready to talk to me. I miss you so much, it’s almost unbearable.9

A final request-Please comment on this. If nothing else you’ll get points, and I need and answers to the above. If you don’t want to make it public, then IM or text me. I’m begging you, then again, did you listen last time I begged you to reconsider?10

I end as I began this11

Forever your12

Alex13