I'm Not Afraid of The Dark

When I was a kid I wasn't afraid of anything. Our house was located between two cemeteries and I was used to hearing stories about ghosts lurking in the forest near my house. The forest was a beautiful place. It was filled with holes made by grenades from WWII. The War cemetery, which was filled with graves of the soldiers who died in the War, was located right next to the forest. It might seem weird to some people, but I spent most of my free time at that cemetery.1

I was always a sad kid. There was a sad note to my laughter, or at least that's what other people said about me. The truth is, I was lonely. The shy kid that I was, it was hard for me to make any new friends. I never believed in the friendships that I already had, I believed that nobody cared about me. The truth never really matters, the only thing that matters is what you think the truth is. I believed the truth was that if I would disappear nobody would even notice.2

I almost never saw my parents, they were always busy with work. There was a time when I haven't seen them for a month. I was just a 10 year old kid. It's hard to believe someone cares about you, if you only see them maybe once a month for a couple of minutes. I was very lonely. 3

When I was 11 I had my first black-out. I just got home from school. I was in my room just looking at my ceiling, thinking about my homework. Suddenly, everything became a little bit darker, and darker. The birds that were singing behind my window suddenly got quiet. I couldn't see anything anymore. There was just the darkness, the silence, and me in the middle of it. I started screaming, to kill the silence, but I couldn't hear the scream. It was just me, being engulfed by loneliness, with no way to escape, with nobody to guide me in the dark or hear my screaming. Helpless, like a baby left in a trash can, hoping for the nightmare to end. I kept on screaming, but I still couldn't break the silence. I tried to escape, tried running, but I kept falling over some invisible objects. I felt even more helpless, as I began to wail in the dark, but still nothing changed. My heart was bating so fast, it felt as if it wasn't even beating any more, it was trembling in fear. Every second literally felt like an hour, and I was stuck like that for 6 hours.4

I was laying on the dark ground, with my head between my knees and eyes closed, when I heard something. It was so quiet I wasn't even sure if I really heard it or it was just my imagination. Then I heard it again, and I felt as if I have never heard any sound before. It was a gentle tap of the rain on the window. I opened my eyes, and after a couple of minutes I could see the blurred outlines of the objects around me. It was over, the darkness let me go, at least for that time...5

I was bleeding from my nose, ears, and mouth, my hands trembling, my heart beating at least 6 times faster than usual, and I was laying in a puddle of blood, tears, sweat, and puke. My clothes were drenched.6

'F uhhhhh' I realized I lost my voice, as I tried to swear. 7

I was thirsty like never before, but I couldn't move. Everything became blurry again and I fainted.8

I woke up next morning, hoping it was all just a horrible nightmare. Then I realized how sticky the floor is and the cause of it. My parents were out on a business trip, my sister was at her friend's house and my brother at his girlfriends. It was already 2 pm, so I drank all the water I could find and cleaned up. I still couldn't speak, and my lips were extremely dry. Yet I felt good, because I believed something like that will never happen again. Unfortunately, I was wrong.9

About 6 months after this attack, I had another one. I remembered that last time, after I calmed down, the darkness went away. So I tried to calm down, but that's when I realized that whenever I'm in the dark, I'm not the one controlling the way I feel, the darkness is controlling it. I can only escape after it will get bored of torturing me. I spent 8 hours this time screaming without giving out any sound, running, and falling down, crying, without even realizing it. Getting to know what hell feels like. 10

The black-outs became more frequent, and I think someone realized I became paler, and less lively, because I was sent to a doctor. I wanted the black-outs to be over more than anything, so I told the doctor everything. He listened to me, then did some his regular check-ups, and even checked my blood. I waited for a couple of hours in his office, when finally a tall nurse came up to me and smiled11

'Hey Kate, it seems like there's no problem with your body, but there might be something wrong with your brain, that's why we'll have to send you to a different kind of specialist. He is also a doctor, but he is specialized in the field known as your mental health. I already called your mom and she's going to schedule an appointment for you. Right now you're free to go home'12

I didn't really pay that much attention to what she said, I understood that she can't help me, but found someone that can. Now I just had to wait to meet that person and I was going to be normal again. I smiled and walked out of her office, and walked back to my house, which was only half a block away. 13

The same day, I visited hell again.14

After I got home, I went to the cemetery. I sat down with my back against the fence, when I realized someone was sitting next to me. I stood up immediately looking at him like he was an alien or something.15

'What are you doing here? Who are you?' I sounded like I was accusing him of doing something horrible.16

'Woah, It's a public place, anyone can come here at any time time they want to! And who are YOU sitting right next to me and then yelling at me for being here?' I blushed a little17

'I didn't see you there, and I always sit here, and yet I've never seen anyone in here before.'18

'I come here from time to time... It's so quiet in here it always calms me down.'19

And then I felt my heart beating faster and faster and everything became darker again.20

'You don't even have a place to go to anymore... It was stolen from you, and you can't do anything about it. You're alone, without a single place to rest.' I heard a voice I've never heard before laugh in the dark.21

'No No NOOOO! Stay with me! It's ok, I'm here for you, can you hear me?' It was the voice of the boy who stole my place. I was surprised I could hear him, but after all I still could see the dark outlines of everything around me. I wasn't completely engulfed by darkness yet. My heart was beating abnormally fast, but it stopped accelerating. I screamed as loud as I could22

'I can hear you!' And I was surprised to be able to hear my own voice, quiet, as if it was coming from miles away.23

'I'm here for you now, I know that you don't know me at all right now, but if you're upset that I'm at your place, I will leave. f you want me to stay by your side, I will stay as long as you want me to. If there is no one in this world that you can count on, know that you can always count on me. Just stay with me, don't let the darkness take over. Please, come back.' His voice was so soothing, I felt like the darkness was letting me go.24

'He doesn't care, he doesn't even know you, he just says it, so that you won't make a big mess' I heard the other voice say, and the darkness took over again.25

Yet something was different, I could feel something warm touching me. I didn't scream, I was alone, and I felt alone, but yet I could feel someone was right next to me. I could feel a hand trying to calm me down.26

'I'm not alone!' I screamed.27

'He's just afraid of you dying and him having trouble because of that' The voice answered28

'He won't leave me, I'm not alone!' And the voice didn't say anything more. The darkness let me go.29

'You're back!' He yelled and smiled 'I was so worried about you, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have come here, I didn't know this place was so important to you, if you want me, I will leave right now!' 30

'No. Stay.' I was too tired to say anything else, this time the black-out lasted only an hour, but it was still more than I could take.31

He didn't say another word, he took out a water bottle and helped me clean up the blood that, which I didn't even realize, was covering my face.32

'I felt your touch' I said quietly, and he said "I know" even quieter.33

I saw him again the day before going to the psychiatrist. I asked him how did he know what was happening to me that time34

'My mom had the same thing. She would black-out all the time.'35

'So she doesn't have it anymore?' I asked full of hope36

'No, she committed suicide. But she found a way to stop the attacks. My cousin's friend, he made those pills for her with the help of his dad. Thanks to them she didn't have any black-outs anymore.'37

'Why did she kill herself then? The worst part was over for her...'38

'My dad found out about the pills. He thought those were just some drugs and yelled at her till she had a black-out. It lasted 16 hours, even though I was there, trying to sooth her, hugging her, holding her hand, doing everything I could to save her.' He looked at the ground for a couple of minutes without saying anything 'My dad, he told her he won't let her take the pills anymore. You can imagine how that crashed her. Her only hope of living a normal life was destroyed. She couldn't take that, and would rather die than have another black-out.' I couldn't believe something like that would happen, I couldn't believe that someone could be as insensitive as her husband, so I wanted to meet him.39

'I guess you could meet him if you don't believe me. Follow me.'40

We went to his house where his dad was watching tv. Next to him were a couple of empty bottles of beer41

'Dad, my friend wanted to as you a couple of questions.'42

'What is it, kid?'43

'Your wife.. is it true that she killed herself?'44

'She was a fucking drug addict! After I told her she can't have it anymore, she couldn't take it. Fucking bitch.'45

'Let's go' The boy said and we ran out of the house back to the cemetery.46

'Doesn't he know about her attacks?' I asked47

'He does, but he thinks they were irrelevant to the drugs...'48

'You know, I might get the same kind of pills tomorrow... I'm going to the doctor, and it's going to be over. Luckily for me, there won't be anyone calling me a drug addict if I'm going to feel better..' I said full of hope49

'heh... Good luck with that.' He said in a sarcastic tone, but I didn't want to ask why was he laughing at that. I assumed it was because of what happened to his mom.50

Soon I understood what he meant. Within 3 years I tried about 50 different pills, none of them working. I told David, as I later found out was the name of the boy from the cemetery, about every new pill I was using, and every black-out I had.51

'I talked to my cousin, Charles, he said he might get you pills that would help you. He just has to check your blood first. He lived in Chicago, so I know it might be hard for you to just go there, especially since he's only 16, your parents might not believe he's a pharmacist, but you gotta try to go there.'52

When I got home that day my mom was home, she told me we are going to move to Chicago this summer. Luck was on my side. Or at least that's what I thought until I told this to David.53

'So you're just going to go and never even see me again?' I didn't think about this part.54

'I don't know, I might come back and visit sometime...' I said knowing what he was going to say.55

'Like that makes any difference!' He went home and I stayed at the cemetery a little bit longer, thinking about how I'm going to survive without him.56

the next day when I came to the cemetery I found a letter from David. I still remember every word it said:57

"Kate, I'm sorry I'm going to leave you like this. I know I promised I am going to be with you until you'll tell me to leave, but I can't. I'm sure you noticed all the bruises my dad left on my body every day. I'm sure you knew at least a little bit of what was going on. I have nobody, except you. We cared for each other, like a brother and sister, but now you're leaving. You're going to get the pills, Charles is going to find you. The worst part is going to be over for you, and you're going to learn to laugh without that sad note to it. Don't wait for me, I won't be able to come back here anymore, but I will wait for you. Hopefully I will have to wait a long time. I'm dead now, there's no point in looking for me. Forgive me..."58

I started running around the cemetery, desperate to find him hiding behind one of the graves making a really bad joke. Then went to the forest and I found him. His cold body swinging from a branch of the tree on a piece of old rope. I had one of the worst black-outs of my life that lasted over 20 hours, until I was found by a local police officer and sent to a hospital. For the first time when I could see again, my surrounding was not covered in all possible liquids from my body that I had to clean up. They released me the next morning and I started packing. 59

I believed a change would help me, but it only made it worse. No one was ever at my house, and I had black-outs every day. Charles was supposed to find me, but a year passed with me crawling in the darkness every day, again and again.60

One day I went outside to the park that was near my house. sat on the swing and imagined I could fly. I wanted to die, I wanted this hell to be over, yet I was afraid that the same thing was waiting for me after death.61

'Hey, you're Kate, right?' A tall boy asked me.62

'Um, yeah, and who are you?'63

'I'm Charles! I've been looking for you everywhere! Seriously, I wish David would give me some more info about you!' And he smiled looking at the ground.64

Suddenly I was filled with hope, I could escape hell! 65

'Can you really help me?'66

'I don't know. I can try, it all depends on the blood test.' I sighed deeply, but I smiled. I finally had some hope.67

'Thank you.'68

******************69

Trying to develop something for me took a lot of time. But just knowing that it is possible filled me with hope and made my black-outs a little bit less frequent. Now I only had those black-outs maybe once a month. While waiting my life seemed to be a little bit more enjoyable every day. I started believing in myself a little bit more, and I even managed to find someone who seemed interested in me. That's when I got a call from Charles.70

'I think I got it! It's going to balance out all the chemicals in your brain, and your immune system, which by the way is defending your body against everything with all it has, won't be able to stop it from working!' His voice was so excited, it made me even more excited.71

'I'll be in a park in 10 minutes! hurry up!'72

I ran out the doors, and got to the park so quickly I had to wait for him a couple of minutes. He gave me a set of 20 little yellow pills, and I was ready to test it the same day, if no for the fact that I really didn't feel like having a black-out. But I didn't have to wait too long to test them.73

I had a fight with the guy I liked, and he said he doesn't want to talk to me ever again. I felt my heart beating faster, but before anything happened I took a yellow pill. My heart's acceleration rate became stable, and soon, it lowered, until it became normal again. The pills really worked. I had a way of escaping hell. 74

Even though he said he doesn't want to talk to me ever again, soon he called me. After a couple of months, he actually asked me to be his girlfriend. Everything was getting better. Until I trusted him with everything.75

I noticed the pills are making me weaker, after all they had to do something about my immune system in order to work. So I wanted to stop taking them. I knew I was going to have a black-out, I just knew it. I asked him to come over, hoping just being with him would prevent me from having a black-out. That day he got drunk and didn't show up. I was stuck in the darkness for about 4 hours, it was the first time I had it since a couple of months, and it was even more horrible then I remembered. After that I knew I couldn't trust other people to save me, my only hope of never going back there, were the pills.76

Then we started arguing. We would fight about everything, usually I wouldn't even understand why we were arguing. Usually after the bigger arguments I would take a pill. I didn't have any more black-outs. I wanted to tell him about it so many times, but every time I was about to say it, I kept remembering David's dad. I was scared. I was never afraid of the regular dark. I could spend hours without being able to see anything. No, I was not afraid of the dark, but I was afraid of hell. I knew I didn't want to go back there anymore. Unfortunately, like the Murphy's law states; If there is a slight possibility of something going wrong, it will go wrong.77

My boyfriend read one of the messages Charles left me about trying to make new pills that wouldn't be so violent against my immune system. I was right about my fears. He was yelling at me, telling me that I'm a drug addict. After a while he made me promise him I won't take any more. I was afraid of the hell that was awaiting me, but I couldn't disappoint him. I promised him I would never take the pills again.78

He broke up with me, convinced that I really am a drug addict. He didn't realize that he caused me to have most of the black-outs I would prevent with the pills. Unfortunately, I don't break my promises. Within a week, I had 7 black-outs. There are pills that could save me waiting for me in the drawer in the kitchen, but I can't take them. The hell is back, and my only way of escaping it would be death. But it's not a sure way, I might just get stuck in that hell forever. I'm scared. I'm scared every time I'm alone, every time I'm about to go to my empty house, every time I lie down on my bed, hoping that maybe today is going to be different, just to end up visiting hell once again. I will never be able to escape those black-outs, but I can't break my promise, or risk getting stuck in there forever. I will just have to wait for a miracle, that will never come.