Unhappily Ever After

Once upon a time, there was a man called Prince Harming. He was no ordinary prince like in those other fairytales. He was a greedy, disrespectful prince and above all a true misogynist. He did not care about the princesses in peril; he only cared about the reward that their fathers, the kings of the Disenchanted Forest, gave to him. 1

One day, the prince went to Puss in Boots, the only brothel of the Disenchanted Forest where homeless princesses had to work to have a roof over their heads. After drinking lots of mead, he grabbed Sinderella by her arm and took her to one of the many bedrooms to spend the night with her. She was kicked out of the castle by her evil stepsisters after she attempted to attend the ball. She also told the prince that the work is not the worst part. The worst part was that her stepsisters crushed her ego by saying that she is not the belle of the ball and she must go back to the cinders and crawl. 2

In the meanwhile, all the kings of the Disenchanted Forest came together for a meeting. They had enough of Prince Harming’s behavior and wanted to teach him a lesson he would never forget, so the kings came up with a scheme so treacherous, it should not be allowed.3

The next morning, while the prince still wore the Emperor’s new clothes, his cell phone rang and everyone could hear the ringtone of the prince called “Carnival Festival” from the Efteling. Prince Harming picked up his cell phone and asked who was calling. An unknown voice then spoke with a British accent: “This is the King of the Deep South of the Disenchanted Forest speaking. I want to inform you about an offer you just cannot refuse.” The prince was interested and replied: ”So, what’s this offer all about, old geezer?” The voice on the other side of the line answered: ”It is pretty simple, Prince Harming. All you have to do is to kiss my daughter awake who had a strange spinning accident twenty years ago and never woke up since then. If you can do this assignment, you can marry my daughter.” Prince Harming thought for a few seconds and barked: ”Okay, you got yourself a deal, but don’t try to fool me or else you’ll be dead meat!”4

So the prince put on his clothes, paid Sinderella for her services and left Puss in Boots and drove with the little engine that could not stand the prince at all towards the castle in the Deep South of the Disenchanted Forest. During the long journey, he had all kinds of (perverted) fantasies about this mysterious princess and it was no wonder that he did so because every princess in the Disenchanted Forest was very beautiful, no one can divorce in the Disenchanted Forest and he didn’t have to go to Puss in Boots for adult pleasures anymore, thus saving himself a lot of money.5

After hours of travelling, the little engine threw the prince out of his train and left with great haste, blowing exhaust gas right in the prince’s face. He coughed and brushed the dirt off his clothes and walked towards the gates of the castle where he shouted: ”Did some worthless king need my help so I can marry his good-for-nothing daughter?” The gates opened and there stood the King of the Deep South of the Disenchanted Forest, a fragile man with a big crown that covered the grey hairs on his head. He welcomed Prince Harming in his castle and asked him if he came to save his daughter. ”Of course I came to rescue the human being, or should I say being, that you call your daughter. For what other reason should I come to you? So I can have a nice cup of tea with some scones? Hell no! Let’s get this over with, so you’ll be happy and I can have your daughter for all of eternity,” Prince Harming replied venomously. The King was cross but he ignored the prince’s verbal assault and told the prince politely: “My dear Creeping Beauty is sleeping on the fourth floor, behind the second door on your left. I will be there as soon as possible to see this magnificent moment.” 6

So Prince Harming walked up the stairs that seemed to be endless and walked towards princess’ bedroom. When he opened the door, he entered her room which had a very large bed with satin sheets. He walked towards the bed and saw a very full-figured woman with short orange hair, big front teeth and acne all over her face laid on the bed. The prince spoke to himself: “This monstrosity is even uglier than a disfigured troll. That senile old man screwed me over; there’s no way I’ll kiss her awake. Screw him, I’m going home!” The prince ran towards the door of the bedroom when the King of the Deep South of the Disenchanted Forest entered the room with a shotgun. "I heard all about your little conversation with yourself. I knew you would chicken out, so I prepared my own back-up plan. You accepted my offer and there is no miracle that will get you out of this mess. I will tell this for the last time: Kiss my daughter awake or else you will work at a different kingdom. Kingdom Come to be precise,” yelled the King enraged.7

Prince Harming stumbled back to the bed, fearing the King’s wrath. The prince closed his eyes and kissed Creeping Beauty on the cheek. She slowly opened her eyes and saw Prince Harming wiping his lips. She cried out of happiness and gave the prince a big hug. After his daughter was finished hugging her hero, the King tapped the prince on his shoulder and whispered in his ear: ”Look at the bright side, son in law, everybody is happy: my daughter is saved, you can marry a girl and the other kings of the Disenchanted Forest, who made this little scheme, are satisfied because their daughters will never be harassed again, since you can never save another princess again once you are married to one.” Prince Harming thought of hurting the King because he was tricked but he saw the shotgun and accepted the fact that he would be put to a halt one day.8

A few hours later, the King and a local minister married Creeping Beauty and Prince Harming at the King’s castle. The King told the prince that he could stay in his castle with his new wife, where he lived unhappily ever after.