A branch snapped as she tried to quickly stumble through the thick trees that surrounded her. The faster she tried to run the more she seemed to be held back by undergrowth and the roots of large trees. There was no hope. She could hear the men catching up, running, searching for her.1
They could move a lot quicker then she could, they weren't carrying what she was. Seeing her chance she took a sharp turn left not realising what was behind the thin layer of shrub life. She fell and skidded down the muddy banking of her front eventually landing head first into the little beck. She lifted her head gasping for air, trying to pick her heavy frame up. She simply couldn't find the strength but she knew the men were growing nearer the sound of their footsteps getting closer and closer. With a giant push she lifted her chest up only for it to be pulled back down again onto the sharp rocks.2
Blood from a small scratch on her neck dripped into the water creating a small red stream. With one last wrench she ripped whatever was holding her back and quickly got to her feet. There was no time to waste, although a strong absence weighed on her shoulders. She tried as hard as possible and managed to stagger up the opposite side of the banking and back into the woods.3
A yell of fury echoed through the trees. 4
'George, calm down.'5
' Calm down? Calm down? That's easy for you to say Edd, you're not the one about to get shot for losing the girl.'6
'We'll find her. Come on, just keep looking. She cant have gone far in her condition.'7
The two men carried on their duties. They slid down the muddy slope and ran across the beck failing to realise the gold chain they had trampled over in their haste, embedded deep into the muddy sands, between rocks that lie at the bottom of the small stream.8
Author notes
This is short i know. This is just setting the scene kind of thing! First part, second coming soon!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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I like this beginning! I've finally gotten around to reading this series (I've been meaning to for quite some time!), and I like the beginning! I'll keep this short so that I can move on. (ARG! MY SPACEBAR IS STICKING!!! GRRR) The reason why I stopped to comment is that at the end of the very last sentence of the story, there is a small error. The last it of the line reads "between rocks that lie at the bottom of the small stream." It should really be "between the rocks lying at the bottom of the small stream." Great write, and I shall now move on to part two...
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Lol thankyou. Those suspenders sound very... Kinky! Your legs, i can only imagine
There are 6 parts up so far so just go to my author page and read them! I think there will be nine all together!
Hope you will be beck soon!
Lauren x -
thats no way to treat a pregnant lady!
keep me informed of next instalments, you have certainly got me in suspenders. they are red. and fishnet. I have heels too. My legs look great.
nice write.
rest assured i will be beck -
lol thanks!
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very good lauren im about 2 read the next love lucy x
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Lol i hope to actually be a good author one day can i have your house near the beck! i have always wanted 1 running thru my garden! lol im glad you liked! Thank you for the comment
Lauren x -
Tada i got inspiration wooo!
Xcept when i actually thought the plot thru i realsied there was 1 huge fault!! oops thts sorted now tho! -
wow your a budding author, i can't wait for your next entry. Keep on writing. (JDB is right, beck is a word, i should know, i live by one.
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Gr8 write btw, u av left me in suspense
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Beck is a word:
beck,
n. (Chiefly British)
A small brook; a creek.
Edited on Mar 25, 1:29 p.m. because ''. -
wow thankyou for that critique. I will correct my errors as soon as possible. I am almost certain Beck is a word and it means a small stream. Ill have to look at that to see if i am right! Thankyou again for your critique of my work! It is much appreciated!
Lauren xx -
very mysterious! several mistakes i spotted-
"There was no time to waste although a strong absence weighed on her shoulders" there should be a comma (,) between waste and although.
"'Calm down? Calm down? That's easy for you to say Edd, your not the one about to get shot for losing the girl.'" There should be a comma after say(,), your should be you're. And is Ed supposed to have two ds?
"'We'll find her, come on just keep looking...'" Should be more properly broken up like this:
"We'll find her. Come on, just keep looking."
"and ran across the beck failing to realise the gold chain that they stood upon, embedding deep into the muddy sands, between rocks that lie at the bottom of the small stream."
this sentance sounds awkward because you swap verb tenses a few places. It might be better phrased-
And ran across the muddy (is beck even a word? and if so, what does it mean?) beck, failing to realise the gold chain they had trampled over in their haste, embedded deep in the muddy sands, between the rocks that lay at the bottom of the small stream."
other than those errors-great job! I'd love to read the rest of it when you finish! (And if you like, i'll be more than happy to proofread everything before you post)
-ispeakforthetrees
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