Dragonflies.

I remember crystal dragonflies hanging from her sky. The swirl of sunlight coming in from a noon window and her hair beside pink curtains with jewels like teardrops hanging from them. I laid in her bed, propped on my elbow watching her. She was suddenly the most beautiful woman in the world.1

I'd known her for 3 years, I'd always thought that, even when we fought and she hated me. Even when I saw the hurt in her eyes, the hurt that broke me, made me never want to be a man again.2

After our endurance of love together, if you could call it that, she finally gave herself to me. She was a hard person to be with sometimes, difficult, stubborn, but beautiful, my god was she beautiful, inside and out. No matter what I did, no matter who I loved, she always came first and that would be my downfall. One day I lost her, one day, I learned to stare at nothing and the day I lost her, is the day I lost myself.3

I can still see her, vibrant, smiling, laughing. But it's all in my head, it's just a memory. A beautiful memory. Her tan skin revealed itself to me, and her brown hair hung down her back. She hated her hair because it was always so curly and frizzy and never listened to her as she'd say. But I loved it. It was just another part of her, I learned to accept and find beauty in. Her body laid beside me, and I didn't feel like a man anymore, I felt like more than that. Like for a minute, I was God. Not many had what we had, or went through as much. We were unique, we loved each other, wholeheartedly and together, we got through life. It seems like, the time I knew her, wasn't much at all, but in fact, to me, it was a lifetime and to me, we could last forever. She only made it so.4

She came from a city far away, on a coast that I never paid attention to until she came. She came one day, to my highschool dressed all in black, silver jewelery shining next to her skin, like her soul. And her eyes, they were warm, like cinnamon in a bowl. Her hair was in a bun and her body flowed with a grace, even when she was clumsy. I watched her for the first time as she walked down the halls of the predominantly black high school. I heard what all of the kids were saying. "She's beautiful...I wonder where she's from."" Ugh, here comes another Goth." "I wonder what she is"5

They said things both cruel and kind. But she looked as if she was scared, sheltered and never opened her mouth to anyone. Whenever she did, it was barely whisper so, not many times was she heard at all. She liked the library. That much I knew because I was always in there.6

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't have friends, but, I just preferred being in the library and helping out where I could considering I was good friends with the two women who were the librarians. But I never had a Best Friend until she came. I'd watch her somedays from the desk at the front and she'd sit there, her backpack laying closely on the table beside her. She'd prop her feet up on the chair opposite of her and bury her head in a book. She never noticed how beautiful she was, no matter what she did. When she was lost in another world, she shone the brightest. You could just tell she was something special.7

I didn't actually have the courage to go up to her until another friend of ours introduced us. And then, I had more of a reason for coming up to her and talking. But one time, she was by her locker stuffing a text book in it and as she swayed down to get another book out of her bag, the light shone just right and I almost walked into a door. She still laughs when we talk about it and then she just stares at me with those cinnamon eyes and I know what love is, truly and deeply. 8

The love we had was something unique as I've often said, hard and difficult to label or contain.9

We were everything to each other; lovers, enemies, friends, strangers...10

But I could Never go a day without thinking of her or being near her in some way. Over the gathering years, she told me everything, she opened up and showed me her soul. And I wanted to protect her, even from me. Sometimes when we fought or I knew I hurt her, I'd close up, I'd tell myself, maybe if I was an asshole, I could push her away, make her hate me and find someone better to spend her time with or open up to. I wanted to hate her sometimes but I never could. She'd piss me off as much as any woman could but she'd make me love her all the same. I'd stare at her, her tan skin, her brown hair, her cinnamon eyes and I'd know, I could never hate that woman, I only love her with all my heart and soul.11

When we dated for the first time, I proposed to her. We were walking her to her class after lunch and she was five minutes late. And, I just got down on one knee and told her, I knew I didn't have a ring, but would she marry me anyway? She laughed, sighed and then a smile crept on her face. She told
me yes and for a minute, for a while, I was invincible. And then, I lost her, for the first time ever. I cheated on her with an old friend. The moment was there and I didn't stand down. I gave in and for that, I paid. For a few months, she wouldn't talk to me, I'd beg and plead and follow her around at school. And she would walk away and say, "There's nothing to talk about." and I'd always say there was. One time, I just punched a door next to my friends and she ran up the stairs. I could see the tears spill and I hated myself more than I ever had before. I sent one of my female friends to check on her and sure enough, she came back and told me that my love was crying.12

There are so many moments, both good and bad that I wouldn't erase. Not even the painful ones. Because they give her so much more character, they make her vivid in my mind. And sometimes, it's as if she never left, only went away for a while like she always talked about.13

But the truth is, she isn't coming back. Yet I see her in everything, in the dragonflies, in the pictures of us that I have over the years. In the letters I destroyed my room looking for. She's everywhere. Maybe I'm obsessed. Or maybe I'm in love. 14

She was walking home one day, from work. She was texting me because we were in college and I was an hour away. I was in class listening to the teacher somewhat since I was so tired and then, I got a call after class. She hadn't texted me for about an hour and it wasn't anything to be worried about.15

She often did that. But this time was different. Her mom called me crying and without her saying a word, I knew, I knew my world was ended, I knew I was dead. She said the words I'd feared in the years I'd known her.16

She terrified me. She said Melissa was dead. She said she got hit by a car 2 blocks from her house and that there was massive blood loss. I fell to my knees then, the world wasn't right, I couldn't see straight.17

My heart did too many things all at once, I couldn't breathe. I called my best friend and told him to take me straight to the hospital. So, he did. He was like a brother to me and he didn't ask questions. While we were driving, I got a text from her. It must've gotten delayed because of the signal on her phone.18

"I love you monkey." she'd said.19

My face crumpled up in pain and I broke down. My best friend pulled me into his arms as I cried. To him, it wasn't gay at all, he knew I needed someone, and he knew I needed to be with her. So he pulled me into him and I died a little more than I could that day.20

We got to the hospital and it felt like, all the steps I had to take to get there, were the longest ones,21

in my whole life. There were white walls, stretchers, nurses with smiles and determination on their face.22

And then the numbers stared at me in bold print. 105. 23

I opened the door, my best friend guiding me. And she was there, in a bed, barely breathing. Her dad and brother had been in the waiting room as I came in. Her father looked lost, much like me. Her mom was praying and crying. 24

Melissa was there, blood in her hair partly, bandages everywhere, IV in her arm and bruises on her skin.25

I HATED seeing bruises on her skin, and I always forced her to show me her wounds whenever she told me she got hurt. 26

Her lip had a dark red slash going down it and her eyes were closed. 27

My best friend, my life, my love, my whole world was dieing and no one could take that away. She'd lost so much blood and they were able to get her the blood she needed but they didn't know if her body would accept the blood or if she was too late. Her mom looked at me with tears in her green eyes and I could tell this would kill her. Hell, it was already killing me. So, she got up, she left the room with only a nod and tears aimed my way. My best friend went out with her in the hall. Slowly I hovered to her side. She opened her eyes and the cinnamon died down, they only looked pale and weak. Her hands were shaking as I took one of them in my own. I raised it to my lips and kissed it.28

"Baby..." I whispered close to tears.29

"Hey sweetie.." she whispered back smiling. 30

"I love you Monkey." she continued.31

I lowered my head and cried.32

"Shhh. Sweetheart, come over here." she motioned with her other hand. I put my head on her stomach and leaned forward in my chair. She held me and traced circles on the back of my neck like she often did when we laid together. My best friend was dieing, the woman I loved for years. The only one who knew me inside and out and accepted me, despite it all. 33

"It's going to be okay. I promise. You were a person before I came and you'll be a person when I leave." she said sadly.34

"No...I'm going to lose my mind. I can't be anything without you near."35

I said trying to talk.36

"Nonsense Monkey. I trust you. I know you'll make it." she said lieing to me.37

"Mel..baby..I love you. So fucking much, please...please pull through. You've got to because you see...without you, I'm not a person,without you I'm weak and I can't stand on my own. You're my strength, you're my weakness, my every want and need and I know, I've fucked up and I hate that I hurt you but you've got to make it, you've got to pull through."38

I said with tears in my eyes.39

I looked up at her. She stared at me for a long time and I laid my head on her stomach facing her. We just stared at one another for a long time, as if we were talking with our eyes.40

"Sorry..." she said.41

And then it flatlined. The beep outlined the shadow of that moment. I didn't move, I only stared at her closed eyes.42

All that we'd been through, all that she was to me and grown to be over the years. And she was gone, never coming back and I wanted to die, to drown in my own ashes and burn out like her life had.43

"No...no no no no no..." I said and started crying. I rant the button for the Nurse and the Nurse came in and I just stood there. Unable to tell time or space. 44

"I love you sweetheart, please come back to me..." I said to the place she'd been in bed..45

I fell to my knees.And the world went black.46

I could see my friends shuffling feet and still hear the beep.47

It lasted forever, the place I was in. I'm still there and why I'm here I have no idea. It's been days, maybe weeks. I can't tell anymore...48

I visit her all the time and the numbest part of me finds comfort in her grave. I lay my head against the stone and I still talk to her as if she were sitting there with her legs crossed, pulling her hair back and looking up at me with those cinnamon eyes. She'd just listen and I'd just talk and I'd just cry. And then, she'd gather me into her arms and tell me it'd be okay. Sometimes, she'd press her lips to mine and I'd close my eyes and lean my head against hers.49

I'd say, "I love you so much..." and it'd scare me.50

It'd terrify me.51

She can only hug me through stone now.52

And I'm right back where I started, empty, lost, unwhole.53

I knew an angel once when I knew her. I was a person once, when she was around.54

Nothing can count for it in the whole world. No woman will ever mean as much to me as she did. Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing can defragment it. I love her, I love her so much that it hurts to breathe, to even wake up for one minute and find her staring at me.55

I dream of her all the time and in those dreams, it's as if she knows that she's gone and she tries to live a life with me through my memories, through my sleeping moments. I wish I could sleep forever.56

I had a dream that she gave me what we always talked about.57

But it meant so much more this time.58

I saw, her brown eyes and our mixed skin and my ears in a blanket. I saw it in her arms on a couch. I saw it laying against her chest as she curled up into the couch gently snoring. I came home to it and I wanted to die right there.59

I woke up and it hit me all the same.60

I can't feel anything much anymore. I've become cold like I always tried with her and any hurt I used to know before this now means nothing. It can never compare.61

I say this, as I drink myself an early grave.