Lucifer

A chorus of high pitched screams sound just outside the large jewel framed bedroom windows. A tall delicately featured man wakes up from a sound sleep. He throws off the thick soft Cashmere blanket. He yawns and stretches then gets up from the large gold framed bed with a mattress filled with humming bird down. He puts on his mink lined slippers.   1

The bedroom door opens and a large red demon comes in carrying a chinchilla robe which he helps the man put on. Lucifer tells the demon “Go get my breakfast now Jeeves, I’ll eat on the patio.” 2

Before he leaves, Jeeves opens the patio doors for his master then he runs off to get his breakfast. Lucifer goes onto the patio and looks out at his garden in full bloom 3

Beyond the garden wall he sees two demons removing the charred remains of his wake up crew. Lucifer smiles at the thought of the five pervs from the sulfur mines which are dowsed with napalm and lit up at exactly 8 a.m. for his morning wake up call. 4

They were black and crisp and for all appearances looked dead. Of course they weren’t dead. Nothing ever died in Hell not even the flowers. By morning they would be back to their former selves. That gave Lucifer a thought, this group had such a good tone that instead of a different set of pervs being chosen for his wake up crew each morning he would have these same pervs assigned the task permanently.5

Jeeves arrives with his master's breakfast and Lucifer sits down to eat. He has poached quail eggs with bacon and toast. He also has a large ice cold glass of fresh squeezed orange juice to drink. 6

After breakfast is cleared away he goes back into his bedroom and rings a silver bell. Four demons, two yellow and two green, enter the master’s bedroom. They follow him into the bathroom. It is their job to bathe and dress him as quickly and with as much dignity as possible. 7

After he is bathed then dressed, Lucifer stands in front of a full length mirror admiring himself. One demon is blow drying his golden blonde hair while another styles it. He loves the way his silvery skin glows with just enough light that you can’t be sure whether it is actually glowing or if it’s just the shimmering of his skin. He also admires his eyes, they are large, round and faceted with the color of brilliant white diamonds. 8

He’s so glad that after the fall he kept his own natural appearance, though as a First One he could appear as anything in the universe that he chose to. He was just so handsome he didn’t want to appear as anything else except when necessary of course.9

He’s also glad that he made his minions change their appearance to that of demons, his own design. The damned souls sure didn’t give them any lip, and it made him look so much more handsome in comparison.10

After this he walks the short way down the hall to his throne room and sits on his throne. He presses a button on one of the armrests and a buzzer sounds. Moments after that Damien, his second in command and personal secretary comes running in. He is a huge multicolored demon. 11

Lucifer says “Damien, how many new arrivals are we getting today?” 12

The Demon tells his master “75,657.” 13

Lucifer angrily snorts “that’s 10,500 more than yesterday."14

Damien says “There was a big earthquake and then a tsunami that wiped out thousands in Asia. You know that when humans die suddenly we get more than our share coming down here because when they know they are dieing they usually find a way to make things right with God and they go up there.”15

Lucifer grumbles “When will those stupid monkeys learn. It is so easy for them to go to Heaven. Ask God in whatever name you know him by for forgiveness and you go to heaven, don’t and you go to Hell. What’s so hard about that!”16

Lucifer asks “Are any of them ‘interesting’?"17

Damien looks over the list and says “Let’s see, some minor politicians, an ex-professional athlete, a bunch of soldiers and a couple of officers. Oh here’s one a Satanic cult leader who was executed for murder. Wow! He led one heck a big organization.”18

Lucifer tells him “Now this is one guy I want to greet personally.”19

He presses another button and there is a sound of thunder and a flash of lightening. Then out of nowhere a bearded man wearing an orange prison jumpsuit appears in the middle of the throne room. He takes one look at Damien and screams “Praise be, I made to Hell!” Then he throws himself face down at the feet of the demon.20

Lucifer calls to the man from the throne “Look here moron. I think it was me you wanted to prostrate yourself before. I am the Lord of Hell.”21

He picks himself off the floor and throws himself down in front of the throne and says “Forgive me Lord Satan. I have worked so long to get here. I’ve led thousands to worship you because I know that you are mighty and will be victorious in this war with that pathetic weakling God and his bastard son, I hate them as much as you do."22

Lucifer stands up, takes a step forward and kicks the man right in the face. He roars at the man “First off monkey breath, I prefer to be addressed by the name Lucifer, second I don’t hate Jehovah, the one you call God or his son. As a matter of fact, outside of a certain archangel, the only beings that I hate are you hairless apes. Third, the only war I am fighting is the war to keep as many of you vermin from polluting my Hell as possible. So you leading thousands of your kind into worshiping me, a disgusting thought, has made it just that much harder for me.”23

He kicks the man again in the face, and returns to sit on his throne. Then he says “Look monkey boy, I’m going tell you a little story that no mortal has ever heard and as a matter of fact few on this side of the curtain even know the whole story. Not that I owe you an explanation, but maybe if you know, it will make your time here a little worse.”24

Damien rolls his eyes. He had heard the story millions of times - no exaggeration! He had even lived it, of course the way he remembers it is different from the story that Lucifer tells.25

He tells the man “Eons ago I was the Lord Jehovah’s right hand man and best friend. He made us angels first so that he would have intelligent company, and to help him with his big plans. When he created the universe and the Earth, we did all the heavy lifting. I of course made sure everything was done just right.26

“Everything was going great until he made you stinking hairless monkeys. He let me in on his secret plans. He knew that Adam and Eve would flunk that test of his with the apple. He confided in me that one day he would give you apes another chance. He would go to earth himself or at least a part of him would go in the form of his own son. How he was going do that I hadn’t a clue, even now I can’t do that trick.27

“When he went to earth he would go as a lowly human to save them from their own misdeeds. Once saved the monkeys would have a choice, if they chose the path of morality they would go to Heaven. If they didn’t choose the path of morality then they would go to Hell.28

“It didn’t take me long to figure out what these plans meant for us angels. We would become instant second class citizens. When Lord Jehovah’s son returned from Earth he would be in his monkey body and we would have to serve him just like old Jehovah himself.29

“What’s more when the hairless apes started showing up in heaven, we would have to serve them as well. Maybe not to the same degree as Lord Jehovah and his son, but we would be their servants none the less.30

“I didn’t like that idea at all. So I started talking to the other angels. I wanted to organize a peaceful demonstration. I thought that if enough of us peacefully protested his plan Lord Jehovah would reconsider it”31

Again Damien rolls his eyes but he says nothing.32

Lucifer continues “Before I got very far in my plan, I had only convinced a third of all the angels to join with me, that slimy butt kisser Michael hatched his own plan. Michael had been my second in command. He was so jealous of my position and my relationship with Lord Jehovah, he wanted me gone in the worst way. So when I started organizing this demonstration he saw his big chance.33

“He went to Jehovah and convinced him that I was organizing a revolt against him. He promoted the weasel on the spot and put him in charge. He ordered Michael to drive me and everyone that followed me to Hell. Michael armed his troops with fiery swords and invincible shields. We didn’t have a chance, we were out numbered and unarmed.”34

Lucifer asks the cult leader “You with me so far slime ball?”35

The human answers through split lips “Yes, but after he drove you from heaven so unfairly you must have been furious with him.”36

Lucifer answers “Wrong dirt bag, Jehovah is a very trusting fellow and he was tricked by that slime ball Michael. If he had known the truth you can bet that it would have been Michael down here not us. I blame him and you monkeys!37

“After we settled down here in Hell I decided that I needed to derail Jehovah’s plans, not because I still wanted to keep you monkeys out of Heaven, let Michael and the others be slaves to you pests, I don‘t care but I didn‘t want you freaks coming to Hell where I‘d have to look at you and smell you. The problem was I couldn’t enter the Garden of Eden or even send one of my people. So I had to depend on that idiot snake and he got it backwards. He was supposed to tell Adam and Eve that the Apple was deadly poison and that they shouldn’t even look at it. Instead he talks them into eating the stupid thing.38

“So I didn’t get another chance to try to derail his plans again until Jehovah sent his son to save you freaks. I tried my hardest but I couldn’t get him to abandon his mission. 39

“Then the flood gates to Hell were opened. For every one of you that went to Heaven two came here. You freaks have always been too stupid for your own good. My only choice was to do everything I could to make sure that as many of you creeps got into Heaven as possible. Otherwise Hell would be so full of you that I’d never be able to get any peace and quiet.40

“I had my people build factories to make bibles and I got them to put the books into the hands of as many of you monkeys as possible. I also back many of the biggest televangelists in the world, some of whom unfortunately have sorely disappointed me.41

“I also try to diffuse crises that are threatening to break the faith of you monkeys. The most recent being the Catholic priests sex scandals. I knew from the start that that stupid vow of celibacy was a mistake. You monkey’s just don’t have any kind of self control anyway. That thing just makes you crazy. I’ve been trying for years to get those Popes to rescind that stupid vow.42

“One Last thing, we call ourselves First Ones not demons or fallen angels. We call us this to remind ourselves as well you monkeys that we are the first beings created by Lord Jehovah. Remember that monkey boy.”43

With his story finished the Lord of Hell pressed another button and a whistle sounded. Five demons came into the throne room immediately. He told them “Do a number five on him.” They then proceeded to flay the cult leader and roll him in finely powdered salt. Then a propane burner was brought in and lit. A huge caldron full of grease was put on the burner. They put the human into the pot and fried him to a golden brown then took him out of the pot.44

After his people had cleaned up the mess Lucifer pointed to fried cult leader and told Damien “Assign this scum bag to the acid baths. Put him between Judas and Hitler.”45

Then he said “As to the rest of our arrivals. Separate the perverts from the rest and assign them to the sulfur mines as usual. Then assign as many to work in the factories as are needed. The rest assign to work crews to build new factories.”46

Then he asks his second in command “Are there any new problems on Earth that need to be taken care of?”47

Damien tells him “We just learned that a minor televangelist, we don’t bankroll him, is cooking the books. So far we’re the only ones who know about it.”48

Lucifer tells him “Take care of him quickly before too many of them get disillusioned by his downfall.”49

He also tells Damien “Send several tons of food to the areas hardest hit by that earthquake and tsunami. Make it look like it came from the U.N.. Lace the food with a slow acting deadly but untraceable poison or with a deadly disease, you decide which will work better. Make sure that it’s painful enough for them to know that they are dieing, slow enough acting that they have enough time to make peace with their God and fast enough acting that they can‘t change their minds. And make sure there’s a bible in each case of food. It’ll give them something constructive to read while they’re waiting to die.”50

Then Lucifer stood up and told Damien “You get busy and take care of all that business, I think I’ll take another shot at the Pope and try to get him to rescind that stupid vow.”51

Lucifer waved his hands and all of a sudden he changed from his normal shape to that of an elderly man wearing a Cardinal’s robes.