Nova Cove is a vast and thick forest that stretches in all directions as far as one can see out from the base of a mountain called Mount Procella. The mountain serves both as an anchor to keep ones baring in the forest and an altar to the time of magic. Many creatures of the forest still remember the time of magic because it was not so long ago that it had ended. Three years had passed since a massive fog called the Darkness covered the forest. It covered all of Nova Cove accept for Mount Procella for six days and when it left so did all of the magical creatures. The fog had brought many destructive creatures into the forest. These creatures ate and ravaged anything in their path until there had been practically no food left. Many peaceful creatures of both magic and not had been forced into hiding. Annali’s parents were among the few volunteers who set out to find food for their herd. Since horses were the strongest non magical creatures in the forest it was their duty to help the rest. When the Darkness covered the land the only thing that stood tall enough to reach outside the grasp of the fog was Mount Procella. The caliginous cloud was a vile acidic substance that seemed to feed off of the plants. Terrible things happened in the six days that the Darkness covered the secret forest. Monstrous creatures lurked wildly in the shadows taking away the safety Nova Cove's inhabitants once knew. Near the end of the six days of fog, the magical creatures decided to gather together and make their stand at the base of Mount Procella. It is unclear to most how the battle ended but when it was over the Darkness and all its inhabitants had vanished along with all of the magical creatures that stood to fight.2
Annali and her parents have never known where Annali came from and as far they were concerned it did not matter. Annali was not born in the herd with her parents. She was found alone in the woods as a foal. When Sol and Marta found her she was weak, unfed and without anyone to take care of her. Marta and Sol are a part of a regal horse herd that lives the forest. They discovered Annali when they were out looking for food near Mount Procella. She was nestled under a large slanted rock and nearly starved to death when they found her. Annali does not look like the rest of the horses in her parents herd. All of them had furry boots that covered their hooves. The other horses, even the ones her age, were all much larger then Annali. Sol and Marta hoped that these were just things she would grow into eventually. Annali’s size and appearance had been considered a symptom of being starved near the cursed mountain at such a young age. Most of their herd do not go near Mount Procella no matter how scarce food is that season. That is true of all creatures that dwell in the Nova Cove. Though their forest surrounds the mountain the creatures that inhabit Nova Cove dare not go near Mount Procella.3
Almost three years had gone by since her parents found her but Annali had not grown to meet the size of other horses her age. She always found it hard to make friends. Before long they would all go off to do other activities with horses that were their size. Annali is smaller then all the rest of the horses but what she lacks in size she makes up for in courage. Her entire body is covered in a shiny white fur coat unlike her herd which all have unique colors. Strangely even though her fur boots had not grown in she was never cold during the winters like the other horses were. Annali’s differences have always made her stand out but she has always been accepted by the herd as one of their own. Often however Annali would find herself playing and even learning alone. Annali does, like most creatures, have a best friend. Her name is Sasha and she too was a bit of a runt in the herd. Sasha is a Clydesdale like the rest of the herd. She has a soft brown and white patched coat with a white mane and brown fur covered hooves. Sasha is one year older then Annali and even though she is bigger then Annali, she is smaller then the horses her age. This worked out just fine for the two of them because they would always pick each other when it was time to pair up for games and other group activities. 4
The life of a horse is a simple one. Annali’s herd travels between different apple orchards in Nova Cove always staying near fresh water. The main activity of a horse is to run. To a horse there is nothing more thrilling then running as fast as they can. Horses love feeling the wind in their hair, seeing the trees whip by at great speed, pushing their muscles to reach their top speeds and then pushing them harder to go even faster. All of the great horses from their herd have all been exceptionally fast runners. Sasha’s father had been one of the fastest horses in all of Nova Cove. Unfortunately both of Sasha’s parents were lost to the Darkness when it came. Sasha does run very fast for her size but she pushes herself harder then most because she wants to prove herself a worthy heir to her father. At times it can be hard for Annali to keep up with Sasha when they are running together. Annali did not mind because it kept her in great shape. That is important especially now because Annali’s third year is getting closer.5
On the third year of every horses life they are expected to complete a long race called the Curriculum. It is an endurance race following along the river Illis which circles Mount Procella. The Curriculum must be completed in no more then three days in order to pass the test. Horses are the fastest creatures in the forest, and though there are many dangers along the path of the race, all horses have to race the Curriculum alone. Sasha had already completed her Curriculum last year and never talked about it much. She would always just say that it was very scary but worth the experience.6
“Did you run into any monsters like ghouls or creeps?” Annali would ask.7
“No but I never stopped running to look” Sasha would respond.8
The shroud of ambiguity always made Annali nervous about the Curriculum but still she was excited that it was near.9
Annali‘s father Sol, is tall and strong. He has a dark brown coat with big grey fur covered hooves. Her mother Marta has a lovely light brown coat with a white mane and white fur covered hooves. Both of them are considered well respected among the heard and are very loving parents to Annali.10
“Am I too small to run in the Curriculum?” Annali asked her father one night.11
“No, you are not too small for anything Annali because there is no task too great for someone who wills it.” Sol said in a knowing tone.12
“What if I can not make it back in three days or worse even what if I do not make it back at all?” Asked Annali worriedly.13
Her father replied. “A horse is the fastest creature known to the forest there is nothing out there that would catch you. I wish I could run with you but this test must be completed alone.”14
“But I am smaller then anyone who has raced the Curriculum before me.” She responded.15
“Yes and for that you have had to work twice as hard as most and have become much more fit for the task.” He said with certainty as if he had convinced himself of this several times. “When we found you we knew you would be great one day. How else could you have survived alone at such a young age? You are not just different from the rest of us you are special and one day you will see just how much.” He nuzzled her nose with his and then smiled gingerly. “All will be well Annali, you will see.” 16
Annali’s mother, who was listening in on the conversation, walked up to her and gave her a little nip behind the ear. 17
“Have you washed today?” Marta asked as she did every night.18
“Always mother.” Annali responded and smiled. 19
Author notes
The first 3 chapters are the first draft copies. That is all I had on this computer. They are VERY rough and barely readable after reviewing it... Thank you if you are willing to try.
I have finished this and am currently working on the second novel in the series. It is a kids book but most of the adults in my first test group were quite pleased as well. My editor is not finished with the book yet so everything I have is pretty raw but please let me know what you think about the story line. I already know the grammar and spelling is WAY off. Thank you for reading!
Do you want to read chapter 2?
Comments
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Original idea--I like it
Since you know you need to fix the grammar and spelling, I'll just mention something about style. a rule i have learned from Yoshi says "don't use the same word more than once in a paragraph". There are some exceptions including articles and connecting words, certainly for proper names, but Annali 6x in the first p seems excessive. Then, size 3x in the next p & horse 4x in the one after. I stopped counting after that. I do like the story line. It is laid out in an interesting way, incorporating the setting in the plot, which I like a lot.
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thank You
Thank you for both trudging through the thick grammar and context issues with the first chapter. I am sorry to say that chapter 2 is not much better because the only version I had of those on this computer are the first ones I did. The rest of it is in the hands of my editor and on my computer in another state. Everything past chapter 5 is current to the point that I handed it to my editor. I can't thank you enough for the kind words and good advice on this chapter. Please know I will be equally greatful on the other ones.
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def'ly needs a bit of work
I think it's a great concept for kids who love horses, and I can envision little equiphiles everywhere squealing in glee as they grab this book off the store shelf. It's got a little heroine, a magical, mysterious land, and a coming-of-age test, with who knows what beyond even that.
That said, you're right about the grammar and spelling needing some assistance, and the continuity of your story was a bit fractured.
I noted the most obvious things here, but I did stop noting all your sentences that drifted into present tense after a while, since there were so many.
P1
baring = bearing
accept = except
Terrible things happened in the six days that the Darkness. - this sentence needs a verb: that the Darkness...what?
P2
a few of your sentences are in present tense
P3
it seems you could have mentioned that these horses were Clydesdales much earlier in the story; it would have explained the "fur boots" that was confusing before. I thought they like, put them on somehow, and took them off, since you said that they "wore" them
P5
um...kind of surprising that you mention only now that Annali's parents are both dead.
P6
on the third year - maybe "in" instead of "on"?
more then three = than
a river that circles the mountain...wouldn't that be a lake, or a great bit moat? maybe it's a magical river...
P10 Wait, what? now her parents are alive again? Uhm, really, you'll want to decide if they're alive or dead at some point.
Truthfully, I think if you submitted it this way to your editor, they've got their work cut out for them, but it's got the potential for an awesome story, and I hope you get it published. Kids everywhere will love it. -
Sure I will read chapter 2.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Chapter 3 +
The later chapters are much better though still rough. Your input is AWESOME and any more time you would be willing to give to reading the rest would be very much appreciated. -
Wrong draft
I didn't even realize but all I have on this computer is the first draft and that is what is up now. Yeah the first 2 chapters especially were terribly unedited and not even 2nd drafted. The present past tense thing is a habit I started to break in chapter 3 I believe. The grammar and spelling issues on obvious word oversights are due to the speed of which I pumped out the first two chapters. They are completely reworked now and in the editing process. Thank you very much for taking the time to read through it especially considering how hard it is to read work this raw. Your advice is great and well noted.
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