Kale left the room and ran past the families packing up, past the vending machines and ice machine. As soon as he turned the corner, he heard her. Raisa was explaining her relationship with him.1
“I didn’t know he was with you. I told Sunsaray I was calling Kale. She didn’t stop me. How was I to know? I hadn’t talk to Kale in almost a year?” Raisa said slightly harried, and Kale recognized Ahbree’s voice responding.2
***3
I noticed Kale rounding the corner and I turned slightly. Ahbree turned with me, as I had hoped. Now her back was to Kale. This gave Kale a small advantage. My main goal now was to keep her back to Kale, and her focus on me, to keep Ahbree talking. 4
Kale crept closer using the shadows of the building. In the distance the hum of cars passed on the highway, as the faint laughter and conversation of the departing families echoed around the buildings.5
“Ahbree, listen to me.” I dropped my hands to my waist, still keeping my palms flat facing the ground. “Have you thought this through? How are you going to make it look like an accident?” I was throwing out whatever came to mind. I needed to distract her.6
Ahbree’s eyebrows were drawn together as she listened to me. Then with one kick of a rock her eyes widened. Without looking behind her, Ahbree said, “why don’t you join us Kale. Come stand beside dear, sweet Raisa.”7
“Now Ahbree,” Kale said, as he came around. His hands were held up by his shoulders, showing Ahbree he had no weapons. “Let’s talk about this, hon.”8
Ahbree’s frown deepened when he called her hon. The gun in her hand wavered.9
“No Kale, I’m afraid it’s a little too late for sweet words. You should have stayed in the room.” She straightened her hand.10
Kale slid up beside me and I could feel his anger rolling off him. It was like an electric blanket coiled around my chest, squeezing tighter. The early morning sun warmed the air around us just adding more to my already boiling body.11
“What a cute couple you to make,” sneered Ahbree. “Who am I to come between you two?” She paused, tapping her finger against her chin. “Oh that’s right, because I can. You should have stayed in the room, Kale,” Ahbree repeated.12
“What are your plans, Ahbree?” Kale asked.13
The gun dipped a little, and a wrinkle appeared across her forehead as she searched for an answer. “Oh, no you aren’t! You’re not going to trick me into answering. We’ll just wait for Sunsaray to get here, then we'll decide.”14
That wasn’t much of a surprise. Kale had too much faith in Sunsaray for my taste. Looked like I was right in my suspicions. 15
“Sunsaray?” asked Kale, shock sounded clearly in his tone.16
Ahbree shook her head, sending chestnut strands wiping over her shoulders. “Nope, Sunsaray will know what to do.”17
“Then answer me one question. Can you at least do that?”18
“Depends,” she replied, sweat was running down the side of her face. “Ask.”19
“How did you find us?”20
Ahbree threw her head back to laugh and Kale took the opportunity to start forward. As quickly as she started Ahbree stopped laughing. “I’d hate to shoot you right here.”21
“Why not? Isn’t that the plan anyways? Shoot us, make it look like an accident?”22
“But not you Kale. After she’s gone you’ll be all mine again.”23
As Kale was keeping Ahbree distracted I was watching the side of the building for Sunsaray and looking for a way out of this mess. The tree behind us hadn’t dropped any limbs, so conveniently an easy way out wasn’t going to happen. No rocks big enough to hurt, another idea out of the question. Our only hope it looked like was Kale talking Ahbree out of this. I was afraid if I spoke it would only made things worse.24
So far Sunsaray hadn’t shown up, that was a good sign.25
“I think that would be great Ahbree. We can get back together. Just let me come stand by you.”26
“I’m not really that dumb Kale. You come over here and take the gun from me and then you upset the whole plan. I don’t think so.”27
In the distance the rumble of an engine was getting louder. Time was running out.28
I had to do something now. “Ahbree,” I called, I had to take the chance. Kale was getting nowhere. 29
She turned my way, with a look of surprise.30
In a list
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Hey Brooke,
Good chapter! I thought it would be Kale to the rescue, but it looks like he needs to be rescued too. Looking forward to your next installment. I'm curious to see how they're going to get out of this mess. I see the boo-boos have been pointed out and I have nothing to add
Steve
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#12 "What a cute couple you [to] make.....two
Already so well edited, I think you should make your offerings a little longer. I just get into it and it's over.
Interesting chapter.
Tris
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Your dialogue is working great, sounds natural and advances the plot.
So shoot already 
(these women can never be quick.)
Just joking Brooke. I don’t get too much time to comment, so I’m sorry if I missed some of yours.
This is such a well-written story I enjoy watching it develop. I have been following it but by the time I catch-up on crits it’s Friday and gone. Criting outside my groups is nearly impossible now.
Your dialogue is working great, sounds natural and advances the plot. You have some very interesting characters. The descriptions of their activity is perfectly blended with their conversation
.
Geri
language: 5, plot: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks geri and don't worry about it. I know you are just as busy as I am and I can't seem to comment in my groups. I for being to even alittle.
I've got the next part up and trying to finish this off for next week. Thanks for continuing to read this
Brooke
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Oh, you tease us so! You must continue so we can find out what happens next! Another excellent piece to this puzzle. I really like this story and Raisa as a character. She is really quite cool. Keep going, Brooke!
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Started writing the ending to this part last night. I'm hoping to have something done by tomorrow, but with all the interruptiong it may be longer.
Thanks for the praise.
Brooke
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Excellent chapter, what a nice place to end it. I am always at a loss, with long stories, where to leave off in order to make the reader want to continue.
Only editing point I noticed was:
“What a cute couple you to make,” with the "to" needing to be changed to "two."
Great job!
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Thanks so much so reading this and for finding the error. I am bad at proofreading my own stuff, but am learning to look closely at others.
Again thank you.
Brooke
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Two other things:
p14. ..and 'a' wrinkle..
..then will decide. will - we'll or I will
p15. That' wasn't - That wasn't
Looked like I like I was right.. deja vu?
Cool chapter here!
Kale makes in time but a kicked rock gives him away. Crap! And Sunsaray 'is' involved. I figured as much.
So does unfinished mean there's more to this part or that you just hadn't edited yet? That last line leaves a good question as to what will happen next.
Great job either way! I can't wait to see what happens next.
Greg
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There should be more to this part, whenever I can find time to write. *sigh* I'm hoping soon. I'm getting into a smoother schedule and balancing everything out somewhat
I'll get it.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Oh yay, a bad girl who's not a complete idiot! I like what you've got so far, Syren!
I can't wait to see what happens. You've left off here at a critical point, and whatever happens next is gonna turn the story in its new direction. *jumps up and down in anticipation*
I like the details you've put in here; with Ahbree's hand faltering when Kale speaks and then firming up her grip on the gun as she gets it together again. Awesome. I could so see it.
Minor doohickeys:
P5 distant s/b distance
P12 you to s/b two
you've got Ahbree saying "You should have stayed in the room" twice without acknowledging that it's been twice; maybe have it say 'Ahbree repeated' or something after the second time. I like that she repeats herself; makes her seem all the more unstable.
P28 Rime s/b time
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Yep, I can see that (about Ahbree saying stay in the room twice.) I will fix that and I hope to have more soon. I just can't believe how busy I am Ugh!!!
Thanks for reading.
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4 words. HURRY UP AND FINISH!!!
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Thanks for your enthusiam I will see what I can do. Thanks also for reading this.
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