"Many, many years ago, the ways of our people changed."1
The old woman spoke quietly, eyes misted over as she gazed into the past.2
"How did they change, Gawi?" 3
The young child before her hung on her every word, caught in the spell of the tale.4
Gawi shifted in her chair, heavy robes bunching around her frail body.5
"They changed with the arrival of the prince of Therwhene, to the small village of Thether beyond the high mountains, where we sit and talk."6
The child leaned forward, his hair falling over his eyes.7
"Gawi, we live where your tale was spun those many years ago?" 8
He questioned.9
She nodded, motioning with a sweep of her wrinkled hand the tent around them.10
"Oh, aye. This very tent belonged to a hero of the tale, a true hero."11
The boy's eyes twinkled with excitement.12
"Oh, Gawi, is it true? Who was he?"13
Gawi looked down at her pupil. 14
Leaning forward as far as she could, the old woman brought her face close to his.15
"Tenan, what makes the hero a man?"16
Tenan blinked, titling his head.17
"She?" He whispered.18
Gawi sat back, resting against the cushions behind her.19
"Aye. She was a hero, a child no more then fifteen ye'rs. She was the strongest of will, never was there a person who could surpass her strength of soul and heart."20
Tenan looked deep into Gawi's brown eyes, searching.21
"What was her name Gawi? What happened to her?"22
"She lived her life, boy. She grew up, wandering, exploring, living an adventure. Her life was one that women and men alike would shake their heads at, living forever in danger. But she still managed to be the greatest hero."23
Tenan gave an impatient sniff.24
"But Gawi, what was her name?" He asked.25
Gawi sighed.26
"Her name, my student, was one that is now revered. At one time it was feared, now it is worshiped. You should know it well."27
Tenan's eyes widened.28
"Taketi?"29
Gawi nodded.30
"Her name was Syti Taketi!"31
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Winds swirled around the trunks of bare trees, rushing over the empty road that lead into the village, Thether. 33
Winter was upon the land.34
Snow blurred the edge of the night, harsh cold struck the bare faces of the trees.35
Dark shapes came from the leafless woodland, hurrying to the warmth of the village, lashed by the ceaseless bitterness of winter.36
Out among the whirling snowflakes and the frozen breathing of wind, several men were waiting.37
Among them was a lord.38
Lord Saberus of Therwhene.39
He was a handsome man, with thick black hair that curled slightly inward at the ends, and strange grey/blue eyes that stared impassively out at the world.40
He was barely above sixteen, though his silent, powerful manner made him seem older then he really was.41
He was the only son of Garth, the high king of Therwhene, a noble yet cowardly lord who hid in his son's shadow.42
Now, as the dawn split the deep sapphire of night, the sun's burning flames scorching the ice-bound horizon, Saberus stood watching a group of bedraggled men as they marched into the village.43
At their head traveled a girl, fifteen if not six, striding like a lion at the head of his pride.44
She wore a long fur coat about her shoulders, beneath it a tunic and long, billowing pants were hardly visible.45
Long golden brown hair hung in a strait ponytail, down to her back.46
Her eyes faced forward, never turning, never blinking, always still green pools.47
Saberus watched her curiously.48
She took no notice.49
The group passed by, loaded down by furs and hides and belted by the ravenous winds of the storm that threatened to freeze them alive.50
Saberus grabbed the man next to him by the collar, dragging the hapless figure toward him till they were face-to-face.51
He nodded in the girl's direction.52
"They let women join the hunters now, do they? What has happened here, I wonder. Girls have no heart for hunting. What is this?"53
The man struggled in the lord's grasp.54
"Please sire! She is new to us, came before the foul of winter's breath! Since she join our hunters, though, we have had no trouble in feeding our families and keeping ourselves warm!!"55
Saberus released the man, he fell to the ground, rubbing his throat.56
"Who is she, this girl you call a hunter." He said, looking sideways at the man.57
"She has said naught to us, I swear lord! She speaks only to her hunters!"58
"Her hunters?" Saberus whispered.59
"Aye, sire! Her hunters! She is the leader now, an' none dare challenge 'er for the title!"60
His voice was a panicked yell.61
"Hmm." Saberus turned away, walking toward his house, a marvelous little temple built in the center of the village.62
He paused, glancing over his shoulder.63
"Fatch, I want you to send this 'Hunter' to me. I will be waiting. Do not come late."64
Saberus turned and left, leaving Fatch alone with the other men.65
The others departed, and as they passed the conversed in low tones.66
"Did you see? Milady brought in another grand catch."67
"Aye, she's some hunter, that un'. 'Mazing, ain't it?"68
"I'll say so. She's one strange girl, Milady is."69
"Do you suppose she's better then his lordship?"70
Fatch looked up. The one man hadn't spoken, but now he asnwered the question in a cold, hard voice that made Fatch's skin crawl as he listened.71
"You mark my words, mates. That's no ordinary girl. There's no way she could be. She doesn't talk much, and when she does she has little to say. Her eyes glare like green fire, she could freeze you with a glance. Whatever anyone else says, I know that some day soon that girl'll bring our doom right into this village."72
Fatch heard no more, he was racing off, knowing that he had to obey his lord and bring the hunter girl before to long.73
But the man's harsh words were still ringing through his ears, colder then the storm around Thether.74
Saberus sat in a room of his temple, surrounded by large pillows, with a huge bonfire blazing merrily in the center of the floor, where a large hole had been carved.75
The girl sat father away, leaning her back against the wall and watching him through narrowed eyes.76
"I have heard that you are the hunter's leader."77
Saberus began, toying with a lose thread from a satin pillow.78
He was dressed in a large black leather jacket, unbuttoned to show the strait tunic beneath, with long black pants made from silk.79
The girl didn't answer, her eyes never once moving or blinking.80
He was unbothered by this, but Fatch was becoming uneasy.81
He had brought her to the temple as he had been told, then his lord asked for him to stay.82
He sat against the wall behind his master, disturbed by the motionless eyes that stared blankly forward.83
"You have brought in many furs and hides, I see." 84
Saberus continued.85
She didn't even stir.86
"I would like to thank you for your efforts."87
The girl's one arm moved ever so slightly, twitching.88
Saberus watched closely, he could see the slightest traces of pain in the green depths of her emerald eyes.89
"Are you in...pain?" Fatch asked.90
He too, had seen the grimace in her unmoving eyes.91
She ground her teeth, but didn't answer.92
It was then Saberus noticed the arm.93
Her left arm was bound in cloth, wrapped tightly with roughly-cut cotton fabric, from her shoulder to where her fingers joined the hand.94
The ends were tied about the fingers. 95
She glared at him, pulling the arm under the coat she wore about her shoulders.96
He smiled disarmingly.97
"Your arm, is it broken? Surely it must be painful."98
"No more painful then having to listen to you."99
The reply sliced the air, hard yet spoken softly, the girls face showing no fear toward the lord, nor fear toward her insolent words.100
Saberus's mind reeled. 101
This girl, he thought, she does not fear me, she is unmoved by my power.102
The girl stood up.103
"I have a duty. You are just wasting my time."104
She turned to leave.105
Saberus stood up.106
"Wait, hunter!" He called.107
She looked over her shoulder.108
"What is your name, girl?"109
Saberus asked, feeling the coldness of her still eyes.110
"My name is no concern of yours."111
He took a step forward.112
"But it is. Please, tell me."113
"My name is Syti Taketi."114
She turned and left the room, the sound of her boots hitting the floor barly adible.115
Fatch looked to his master.116
He said but one thing:117
"The Taketi!!"118
Author notes
Please Comment!!
This story may be published, so I need people to read it so I can make it better...
This is only chapter 1, by the way.
I haven't typed the rest.
(The story is set in the past, but it begins in the future.)
Please, tell me what you think!!
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Thanks so much, everyone!!
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wow that was amazing.
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I really thought it was good. Bravo! I would love to read more when you write it.
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Listen to our friend, Andy, he's pretty much said everything you eed to know about the errors.
Amazing! You're a writer and I personally think you should reconsider about cutting down on the descriptive parts. Those especially helped shaping the picture in my head. I simply loved the whole story and already in the first line:"Many, many years ago, the ways of our people changed." You jump righ into the story, "in medias res", which I think is the greatest of all ways of literature. You captured my senses in an instant and to be honest, I don't have much patience with stories and usually change story when on the first few pages. There were not many grammar- or spelling errors, however, you o need to revise some examples concerning the difference of certain words and terms:
"Than"- used when measuring as in opposition to something else: "David, though it did not seem that way at first, showed himself to be braver and stronger THAN his enemy, Goliath."
"Then"- used when measuring time or lenght: "First, he planned to slice his head off, THEN he would proceed to phase two."
Difference between:
To- from one place to another
Two- the number 2
Too- speaking of similarity: "I want to go to the zoo, too."
PLease sue me if this doesn't help. -
its amazing~! seriously! I;'m nooo good at long comments but i seriously seriously love this
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I really really enjoyed this piece; it's unique and powerfully written. Since you're hoping to get it published, here are the things I noticed;
"She wore a long fur coat about her shoulders, beneath it a tunic and long, billowing pants were hardly visible.45
Long golden brown hair hung in a strait ponytail, down to her back.46" I like this description, but it's got too much use of the world 'long' in it. Try some variations of the word, or change her description a little, or you lose the effect.
"The girl sat father away, leaning her back against the wall and watching him through narrowed eyes.76" - "The girl sat further away"
You also mis-spelled 'straight' again at one point.
Aside from those errors, I found very little to object to. The pace was excellent' keeping it moving and swift, which held my interest. At some points I found the story a little thin on the actual actions of the characters, but in general it was great. The dialog was good, though at the very start, when the little boy was talking, I found his speech a little elevated for a child. But in general the speech was excellent. I liked the descriptions about the girl's eyes, and I could practically feel the really bitter wind, so that was brilliant. I think, with some tweaking, and obviously the rest of the story, this would have a very good chance of getting published, so keep it up! Great work and luck be your shadow
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No good, you've got misspelled words yourself.
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People often misspell things in comments, they aren't designed to be as polished as a story.
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i know, and i get why in such words as "misspelled", but one should be attentative enough, even if commenting, to some extent, non?
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It WAS a long comment. I type fast. Easy to make errors. What errors did you pick up on?
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Lol. Well, truth is, I don't rush through peoples' comments on OTHER peoples' stories. I read the last line of yours and you had written misspelled the word "misspell". Since you thought it, as you should, to be wrong of Shadows Falling to have typing errors-which we all do, I'm not saying there's anything wrong-I just thought it to be ironic that you had misspelled a word that you'd used to correct others, if you get my way of explaining. I can see if you don't. I'm a real idioma freak, so sorry if there's sometimes too much.
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Lol, well I'm afraid now you made an error
"written misspelled the word" should be either written or misspelled, unless I mistook your meaning. Anyway, this is all rather pointless lol, I made a mistake, it happens. I was pointing them out to help in the publishing process, not to be pedantic. Sorry.
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Very Good
p55 she (joined) our
p73 before (too) long.
p115 (barely audible)
This chapter draws me into the story and makes me want to read more.
Your description of Taketi is excellent: "You mark my words, mates. That's no ordinary girl. There's no way she could be. She doesn't talk much, and when she does she has little to say. Her eyes glare like green fire, she could freeze you with a glance. Whatever anyone else says, I know that some day soon that girl'll bring our doom right into this village." I like how you chose to use dialogue in describing her.
You leave me wondering what will happen next.
Saberus is not depicted as well, but I don't know how important he will be to the story.
Fatch seems to be little more than a name, so far.
It will be interesting to see where this goes.
Andy
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I love the beginning you got here. I like the Girl who kicks *bunny*
The only thing that confused me was when the transition happened for the future, back to the past to tell Syti's story. It was an abrupt change of time, but it would be an easy fix, just a transtion phrase that the elderly woman was telling the story.
I like the flow and pace of the this story also, and the details of the scenery were brief, but descriptive.
Write On!
Beth
P.S. One of the women who really ispires me is Joan of Arc. She led French troops into battle as a teenager when the king was afraid to advance. I saw a statue of her in Notre Dame in Paris when I went to France. I am utterly fascinated by her story.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Leaves me wanting more!!!
I'm a huge fan of woman power, and Syti rules!! Your writing is really expressive and i think this really draws the reader into the story. i like the way you started it with the old woman and young boy, it gives you the feeling that your there with the boy waiting to know more!
Bravo!!!
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Hmmm, I like the idea of this... Some spelling and punctuation stuff needs work, but the overall idea is interesting. I kind of feel sorry for the animals who are hunted, but that's just me. I like the names you used, too. Syti Taketi... That sounds pretty cool. ^^ Saberus is a cool name, too. Keep writing! =)
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OOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!
Fantastic!!!!!!!!!! Me
Syti!!! She kicks ass!!!!!!! So cool and awesome! Yay! Finally a strong, female hunter who bests the men! WHOOOo! 
The dialogue is WOw- Amazing! I feel as if I am part of the story, feeling the cold wind, seeing the people, hearing their voices. Excellent! If you can do that to me, I yearn for what else your story can do as it progresses! Wonderful! Oh, I just adore how realistic everything seems! You are truly talented! Never give up, never doubt yourself! I believe in you, you wondrous, gifted writer! 
Please, please continue!!!!! Me want MORE! 
-Lissy
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