What Is To Become Of Me?

1

I’m obviously not here. I’m in a place where no one can see me and nobody wants to. 2

I am alone. I’m surrounded by people but no one to be with me. 3

I’m obviously dying. Can’t you see the line upon my wrist, so casual and heartbreaking?4

What has become of me? What have I done? Was I meant to exist this way?5

( No one to touch me, no one to hold me, no one to consider how I would feel if I woke up at nearly 2 a.m. to find my drunk other gone in his truck. 6

Sick. Sick with worry. Does he have a care? No. )7

I’m obviously not here. I’m in a hole dug well for me.8

I feel so alone. I can reach out to touch them and all I feel is evasion. 9

I’m obviously dying. I drew the line I needed to because my heart is in so much pain that I can’t drown out the voices any other way.10

What has become of me? What have I done? What I truly meant to exist this way?11

( I keep hearing them tell me that I don’t belong here anymore. That everyone would be better off with me gone. Is that true? If I were to cease to exist – would things be better for my family? 12

Sick with worry. Am I pregnant, though? If I carry such life inside me, such resonant hope, then why do I feel so overcome? When will I overcome this? I’ve been fighting this for years to no avail. 13

Crimson tears of yearning. Yearning to be free of this cage around my heart. What will bring me from it? What will bring me away from this pain that shouldn’t even live in my heart any longer? 14

I thought I was rid of it long ago and it has come back stronger, more persistent, telling me over and over again that I should just die.15

But I can’t. I know, in my own warped sense of logic, that if I die, nothing will ever be right. I know I have to make myself strong, but every single time I bring myself against my adversaries, I’m being nothing but a bitch. 16

But I’m not trying to be. I’m trying to make everyone happy and I’m making myself miserable instead. “Stop trying to make people happy and start making yourself happy.”17

I’m trying, dearest. But even you turn around and tell me I should be better, I could do better. Maybe I could. Why can’t you accept me as I am? Who I am? What I am? Where I am and when I am? How can I be any better when you’re throwing yourself at my being? 18

You don’t give me the chance to evolve. No one ever has. 19

How am I supposed to get rid of my anger when they all consistently put me down? When they all act like they’re better than me, like they could have done better in my shoes? 20

WELL GUESS WHAT, YOU’RE NOT IN MY FUCKING SHOES!!! 21

You don’t know what I’ve experienced. You don’t know what I’ve thought. You don’t know that these thoughts of drowning in a crimson bath keep creeping back over and over. )22

When will I be allowed my freedom to be who I am? 23

I’m obviously not here. Because if I were here, you would know who I am and you would help me.24

I’m so alone. It’s so cold here and there’s no one to put their arms around me to warm me.25

I’m obviously dying. Because if I were living, this pain wouldn’t be so fierce. 26

What is to become of me?27

Title: What is to become of me?28

Mood: Angry 29

Reason: Too many to count30

September 28, 2008 3:00 A.M.31