In A World Without Sound

It was a silent world. There was no sound around Joseph, and so he was afraid to close his eyes sometimes. The silence was, ironically, sometimes deafening. All he knew was touch, sight and smell. He knew what someone looked like, but had no idea what their voices sounded like.1

He had no idea what sound itself was like.2

The cars rushed by him as he walked down the street, and his dark eyes darted this way and that, furtive and careful as he walked. He couldn’t hear the traffic, didn’t know what it sounded like in the slightest. Honestly, in a way he didn’t want to know. He liked being the way he was in some ways.3

Humans always had that desire to be the same, to fit in, though, and Joseph’s want was sometimes so strong it started aching, like someone had curled their fingers around his heart and was tugging on it roughly.4

He bumped shoulders with someone and immediately turned his eyes to the woman, his hand flying to his chest in a fist, rubbing it lightly there, signing sorry without a second thought. The woman looked concerned and spoke to him. He swallowed hard and smiled sheepishly, gesturing that he couldn’t hear. The look of pity on the lady’s face pained him.5

He smiled a bit more and ducked his head before waving awkwardly and walking away from her, his hands resting lightly at his sides. He never put his hands into his pockets; they were his chief communication tools and he wanted them at the ready whenever he could have them.6

He stopped in a park and settled down on one of the benches, sighing as he let his eyes slip shut despite himself. The feel of the wind across his skin soothed his conscious mind, and for a moment he could almost fancy that he could hear the leaves on the concrete. It was all made-up in his mind, but it was enough. He had an imagination; he had to put it to good use somehow.7

He breathed in, tasting the crisp and dry late August air. It made his throat run dry and he had to swallow to get rid of the feeling, but that was okay.8

The wind played idly with his hair, almost as if dancing with the strands. The wind was a tiny, invisible dancer and that cracked a smile over his angled features.9

Joseph opened his eyes, realizing after a moment that he wasn’t in some open expanse. He was still in that park in the middle of the city, sitting on a metal bench that was biting into his skin through his jeans.10

For a moment before he’d opened his eyes, he’d fancied that he was somewhere remote and magical, a soft and silent song creating a beautiful visual symphony out of waving trees.11

Now, it all faded, and all he could see around him was traffic.12

He exhaled sharply and stood from the bench, shrugging off all thoughts of magic. He shook his head firmly and began to walk away, his steps being the only thing that echoed in his silent mind with every step he took away from his little imaginary world.13


His shoulder collided with another’s again and he let out a sound he didn’t hear as he was knocked to the ground. He looked up, his brows furrowing, intent on showing his displeasure the only way he knew how.14

He waved his hand in a motion that meant, to him, stop it as he pushed off the ground, brushing off his jeans with his hands before looking up at the man who’d knocked him over, looking concerned once again and trying to talk to him as he too pushed himself off the pavement. They must have collided pretty hard.15

He signed frantically, his facial expressions conveying as much of the message as his signs. I can’t fucking hear so I don’t know why you’re yapping.16

The man looked surprised for a moment before he repeated Joseph’s very actions moments before, rubbing his fist against his chest, signing sorry right back. His mouth fell open before he smiled.17

You understand?18

The man moved the fist from his chest out in front of him instead, shaking it vertically with a snakebit smile. Yes. Joseph tried hard to hide his pleasure by biting his lip and merely smiling wider. Needless to say, it wasn’t working.19

How? Joseph asked, his hands converging and then coming apart as if he were giving something. How do you know sign?20

When I was in college, I had to take a foreign language class, and I chose ASL, the man explained, slender hands flying as the words flew off his fingers, and Joseph smiled, blissfully understanding every word in his native language. You’re the first deaf person I’ve met, though. It’s cool. He signed cool like the word ‘cold’.21

Joseph laughed in a rough burst, covering his mouth and letting his head fall forward. The man looked confused and almost insulted. He recovered quickly, brushed his hair back from his face, tucking it behind his ear before signing. Sorry. You signed ‘cold’ like the temperature. In the way you mean it, it’s ‘cool’. He put his thumb to his sternum, fanning his fingers out and waving them. The man nodded and apologized with his hands. Joseph repeated the same action, though instead of waving his fingers he tapped the pad of his thumb against his chest, signing fine.22

What’s your name? Joseph asked after he dropped his hand from one sign, effortlessly launching into the next without much thought. The man was seemingly enraptured by the fluid ease.23

Zane. The name was cleanly fingerspelled, and Joseph smiled, really loving how Zane signed. It sent an excited flutter through him.24

My name’s Joseph. Nice to meet you. Zane smiled at him, and Joseph couldn’t help but widen his own. He hadn’t looked past the man’s face or hands, though, and he took a moment to let his sharp eyes explore his conversational partner.25

His eyes slid over a lithe frame with tattoos spanning his arms that shifted with every sign that flew off his hands. The skin glistened slightly under the afternoon light, contrasting heavily with the black t-shirt with the name Misfits splashed across his chest. His strong shoulders tapered slightly to his waist, where a pair of casual, well-worn black jeans hung on his hips. His eyes flicked up to meet Zane’s again, momentarily stunned by the chameleon colors of the man’s eyes. His sight also caught onto twin silver hoops threaded cleanly through his plump bottom lip. The man was gorgeous.26

Your eyes are beautiful, Joseph signed bluntly without a second thought. He was used to saying whatever first popped into his head, and he was momentarily surprised when Zane seemed likewise surprised by his candor. He stared for a moment, standing still, taken off-guard.27

The pads of Zane’s fingers finally touched his lips before he extended his flat palm out. Thank you.28

Joseph’s hand touched his forehead before falling to his midsection, signing, You’re welcome in return. He was so amazed and excited that he was having this conversation with someone, even if they were in the middle of a park where everyone could stop and gawk.29

Do you have a name sign? Joseph asked, tilting his head a little, watching Zane shake his head. He smiled. Then I'll give you one. Joseph put his index and middle fingers to either side of his lips and brought them out in a zig-zag gesture. Because of your snakebites.30

The snakebites bit into Zane’s lips as he smiled. What's yours?31

Joseph folded his thumb against his palm and let his fingers flatten before brushing his index finger against the apex of his cheekbones. Zane nodded a little. My cheekbones are what people remember. He shrugged a little.32

Zane looked around the park and exhaled slowly, Joseph watching the way his chest rose and then fell. I was going to a local coffee shop. You want to come with me? Zane signed, eyebrows raising in question. God, the guy even got the facial expressions right!33

Joseph responded with a rather vigorous nod, not even bothering to sign it since he was so enthusiastic. Zane’s face broke into a wider smile and he motioned for him to follow as he began walking out of the park. Joseph had no problems trailing after, watching Zane put his hands into his pockets.34

He tapped the man on the shoulder to get his attention; Deaf culture winning over everything else. As a warning, don’t do that around a Deaf person; it’s seen as rude, he signed as he walked, motioning to Zane’s concealed hands. He looked sheepish and nodded as he withdrew his hands, letting them hang loosely by his sides. I’m not offended, but it’s just for future encounters. Not every deaf person’s as forgiving as me.35

Zane nodded as he walked alongside Joseph. He bit his lip as he did so, a slight bounce in his step that hadn’t been there before. He was silent as they walked, and as far as he could tell, so was Zane. Zane motioned to get his attention after a moment when they reached the cafe. Joseph smiled and followed the man into the establishment, taking in the decor almost greedily.36

It was a cute little coffee shop. The walls were neutral, a cream color, which offset the dark hardwood floors. The tables were a similar dark brown with black chairs waiting to be sat upon, plush and inviting. There were portraits, vividly colored, on the walls.37

Zane walked to the front counter, and Joseph bit his lip apprehensively as he moved alongside the other. He absolutely hated ordering things. Zane looked at him with a slightly tilted head as he leaned on the counter.38

What do you want? he asked, and a smile broke out on Joseph's lips, eyes shimmering with gratitude as he lifted his hands.39

Just coffee, black, Joseph signed simply, and Zane smiled, turning to the barista to order their drinks. He even paid for them. Joseph tapped the man on the shoulder, making him look over curiously as he slid his wallet back into his pocket. Is this a date now? he asked, tilting his head as his brows furrowed in nearly innocent question.40

Zane smiled and signed with easy movements, Maybe, if you want. The words seemed teasing. Joseph distractedly brushed a lock of hair from his face, smiling like a fool. Zane grinned back, taking their drinks and leading him to one of the tables a little way away from the counter. He settled into the chair, and Joseph could feel the man's eyes on him as he did the same.41

Are you gay? Joseph signed once he pulled the coffee to him, again displaying his candor as Zane looked downright shocked by the bluntness. Sorry, Deaf culture is different than hearing.42

I know, Zane signed slowly, barely tapping his fingertips against his temple. I'm not sure. You?43

Joseph's response was succinct, a decisive Yes, a single vertical shake of his fist. Zane smiled.44

I wish I could be as sure as you. Zane got a slightly wistful expression on his face after his hands laid the words in the air, for only Joseph to understand. He smiled and shrugged, pushing his hair off his face again.45

Not hard. Do what you feel. Fuck society. Despite the harshness of the English words, they were signed with a matter-of-fact air. Zane laughed this time.46

Joseph watched as Zane laughed, deciding he liked that, even though he couldn't hear it. The expression of joy in the man's eyes was more than enough. He made up a picture in his head for Zane's laugh, visualizing it, saving it.47

So, tell me about yourself, Zane suggested once he'd calmed. Joseph smiled.48

He started signing quickly, painting a picture of how he had been born in Long Beach, California and his family had moved to Huntington Beach, where they were, when he was six. He explained in vivid detail how he'd been sent to Fremont School For The Deaf his entire school career. He told Zane that he was twenty-six and worked in receiving at a book store and that his last boyfriend left him for a woman, and he explained the woman in detail. All of this was signed fluidly, only to Zane and no one else. It had his remarkable and brutally honest frankness - he told it how it was.49

Zane watched Joseph as he lowered his hands, tilting his head a bit, biting his bottom lip. He picked his hands up again.50

Too fast? he asked, and Zane slowly shook his head, an even slower smile creeping onto his face. Joseph gave a confused smile back.51

Zane slowly fingerspelled ‘wow’ with a wider smile. Your signing style is beautiful. Joseph bit his lip again, a light blush dusting his angled and freckled cheeks.52

Thank you. Tell me about you. Joseph let his hands fall to the table, taking a sip from his coffee as Zane grew nervous. Performance anxiety; he understood that very well.53

Zane's story was less pictorial and a bit more English as he told about being born and raised in Huntington Beach, going to Huntington Beach High and playing in a band with his friends. He got more detailed at that part as he explained playing and that he played guitar. Joseph smiled at that as he nodded along with the story; he'd tried playing bass once and had actually been remarkably good at it. Zane also stated that he was twenty-six and worked in a music store.54

Joseph smiled wider. We have some in common. Zane nodded slightly in agreement. I can play some bass.55

Really? Zane looked surprised, and Joseph smiled, nodding a little.56

Yeah, Deaf people can play instruments; it's all about the vibrations, he explained, and Zane nodded in understanding. So, no girlfriend?57

No. Zane shook his head as the sign was concisely tossed into the air. I was dating a girl for a few years but she left me for someone else.58

I wouldn't abandon you. There was Joseph's bluntness again as his hands moved without any stalling, direct communication coming straight from his mind to his hands, and this time it made Zane smile instead of becoming confused like the time before.59

Really? Zane's questioning sign was slow again, and Joseph smiled at him again. But you barely know me.60

I know you better than I know anyone else, Joseph signed with ease, the words flying off his fingers smoothly. Zane bit his lip, idly nibbling on his right snakebite, shrugging a little. You speak my language. That's enough for me. As a start, at least.61

Joseph could tell Zane laughed at that, but the expression faded when someone tapped the man on the shoulder. Hang on, Zane signed before turning to the woman who'd tapped him. At first it was normal conversation, but then the other grew angry. Joseph tapped him on the hand to get his attention.62

What's up? he asked. Zane seemed to huff and shake his head.63

Some asshole thinks it's rude that we're signing in public.64

Which one is it? Joseph asked, scanning the place. Zane pointed, and Joseph waved his hand to get the man's attention. Once he got it, he smiled sweetly and put both his hands under his chin, flinging them out in a quick gesture, basically saying fuck you, I'm doing it my way.65

Zane looked nervous as the man grew irritated and started to shout across the cafe. Joseph couldn't hear him, but he could tell just by the facials that the guy was pissed. Let's get out of here, he signed to Joseph after tapping him on the arm. He nodded and stood from the chair, huffing himself and straightening his shirt. Zane took his hand and led him out of the shop.66

What was he saying? Joseph asked with one hand as he caught up with Zane. The man shook his head, keeping his eyes to the cement. He lightly slapped Zane's arm. Don't look away from me. That's like sticking your fingers in your ears with a hearing person. It's rude.67

Sorry. You don't want to know, Zane signed, and Joseph sighed.68

Tell me.69

Zane rolled his eyes and stopped, turning to face Joseph. He was calling you retarded and stupid. He wished he'd never asked, because he felt something snap inside of him, that Deaf nerve tripped and hard.70

It's not a fucking disability! he signed vehemently, and Zane frowned, lightly putting his hand over Joseph's.71

I know that, he signed with the other hand, but others don't.72

I like being this way. Joseph looked nearly in the verge of tears as he bit his lip. I'm not retarded, I'm just different. Zane put his hand on Joseph's arm, and he sighed, shutting his eyes for a split second before looking back. I hate ignorant people. They suck.73

Yes, Zane agreed with one concise sign, and Joseph surprised him by wrapping his arms around the other man's shoulders, pulling him into a hug. He hugged Zane tightly to him without thought of hearing culture. Zane hugged him back, though, rubbing his back softly.74

Joseph pulled away after a second. Sorry, he signed, exhaling slowly. Zane signed that it was fine, and he smiled a little, reaching out to take his hand.75

Let's go to my place. This was signed with one hand, and Joseph smiled, nodding a little. Come on.76

Zane began to lead Joseph to his apartment, letting him in first. It was only about a half-mile from the coffee shop so he hadn't even bothered driving. Joseph looked around and nodded a little. It was dark, with off-white walls. The furniture was all dark shades of blue and green with black. A moderate-sized television was mounted on the wall, and the floor was littered with CD's and DVD's.77

Nice place. Zane smiled and thanked him, walking into the kitchen.78

Want anything? he signed over his shoulder, glancing back to see Joseph shaking his head, sitting on the couch and pulling his legs up to his chest. Zane came out and sat beside Joseph, a can of Coca-Cola in his hand as he tapped his fingers. Joseph smiled over at him before silence settled between them, but it was comfortable. It wasn't suffocating this time.79

He looked at the clock after about twenty minutes of silence and sighed, frowning and looking over to Zane. I have to go to work, he replied to the confused look on the other's face. After he said this, Zane mirrored the expression before nodding.80

Okay.81

Do you have instant messenger or texting or anything? Joseph asked, tilting his head a little as he pulled out his cell phone, and Zane nodded, confirming that he had both. Okay. Here are my names and my number. Give me yours so I can send them to you.82

Zane rattled off the numbers to his cell phone on his hand, and Joseph programmed them in quickly, nodding a bit and sending the names. Talk to you later. He smiled, and Zane nodded. Before he lost his nerve, he leaned in and pressed a light kiss to the man's lips, shutting his eyes, showing that he trusted the other man.83

He'd only meant for it to last a second, and then he'd pull away, but Zane's response was so instantaneous he decided against pulling away. He let his hand rest on the back of Zane's neck, pulling him closer with a sharp inhale. He could feel the vibrations of a soft moan against his lips, and he smiled.84

A shiver went up his spine at the feeling, tilting his head and pressing his lips harder to Zane's, his breath caught in his throat as he felt his lashes flutter against his cheekbones.85

It was soft, sweet, tender and it felt so good it was making his head spin, but Joseph had to pull away, lest he never leave. He opened his eyes and saw that Zane was smiling and nibbling on his lip ring. Thank you, he signed, leaning in to press another kiss to the man's lips before standing from the couch. See you later.86

Bye. Zane's sign was slow and sad as Joseph backed toward the door. He gave a soft smile and waved before he walked out the door. He inhaled sharply once he reached the outside air, shutting his eyes and leaning against the wall of the apartment complex. Maybe silence isn't so lonely anymore, he thought as he started to make his way to work, a small smile on his face. Work would be bearable tonight, he decided.