Put Time On Repeat

June 12th is the last day of school and if I were to start a count down right now, it will be roughly nine months away. Yeah, nine months is a long time for most kids itching to get out of this jail called school, but for me, it's too short. If I could, I would turn back the clock, turn it back two years ago and just let it put itself on repeat from September '06 to January '07. Then by the fifth repeat, maybe I will let time proceed and we'll be a couple. Then this dread I have for June 12th, 2008, would go away some and the day you'll graduate from high school I won't be as sad. But turning back the time has never been an option so I guess that all I can do is sit here and watch as time slips away from my hands...1

Dear (name),2

It's so weird how I can remember when I first saw you so well as if it were yesterday, yet in reality, you'll be graduating high school soon and I'll be sitting here in regret. 3

On the first day of school, I saw you walking in the hallway. I thought you were gorgeous with a beautiful body, curly red hair, and perfect smile. I couldn't stop thinking about you that day and that moment I walked by you. I kept replaying in my head a "movie" version of that walk-by where you and I would bump into one another, we'd both mutter a sorry, and then when we see each other, we'll smile and a friendship would bloom from there on. But unfortunately, my movie scene wasn't meant for my non-movie life. 4

But I did see you soon afterward and it felt like I really was in a movie. You were sitting across from me, about three seats to the left at lunch. At that time, I knew you through a friend who knew a friend that knew you. Even though it was the most indirect way I had known someone, I was still happy that I was sitting at the same table with a gorgeous boy like you. 5

I remember that day that happened a few days after so perfectly well. It wasn't long after I realized you and I sat at the same table. I was talking with my friend and I could sort of feel your gazes at me. I don't know if that holds true or not--it could have just been my crazy and overactive imagination. I pretended I didn't notice and I don't know why because I could have-no, I should have-turned and looked at you, returning a smile. But I guess I didn't need to because somehow it got to you that I was only a freshman, and you sent a wave of, "She's only a freshman?" down the table. I mean, you didn't do it in a mean way, it was more of a, "Wow, I thought you would be a sophomore or junior," way. At the end of lunch, I got your e-mail and screen name for AIM. 6

Soon after that, we became friends, or at least something sparked between us. The next thing I remember the best was that event at school. When I saw you and your Elmo backpack, I went up to you and gave you a hug hello and you lifted me up for a few seconds as you returned the hug. Throughout that night, that happened a few times. One time you picked me up completely and spun me around before you dropped me, due to my lack of common sense to hold onto you. Then sometime after, we were sitting at a table across from each other and you gave kind of a dopey smile. You know, one of those smile you would see in a "I Love Lucy" episode where someone that is completely head over heels over a crush would give to their crush subconsciously. I didn't return it or acknowledge it openly in front of you. I just looked away feeling awkward and shy. Although my butt hurt like crap that weekend, I was still happier than I ever imagined I would be. 7

That following Monday, people were saying how you were completely in love with me, how we were flirting the entire time, all that good stuff. I denied it all due to my insecurity and stupidity, or at least I think those were my reasons. That following Monday, I also found out that my friend used to go out with you. 8

After knowing that my friend was your ex, I noticed and learned of a whole bunch of other stuff. Like I noticed you talked and looked at her a lot at lunch and that you guys were on and off for a long while in your freshman year. I was jealous like a freaking--I don't even know what. Then I realized that I didn't want to go out with my friend's ex, knowing that it might hurt the friendship I had with her. So I guess I pulled away from you or you pulled away from me or maybe it was both. The end result was that you and I weren't flirtatious toward one another any longer.9

I wrote you one of those childish love notes and stuffed it down your locker. Then another one from a "friend" that said other childish and stupid stuff. I thought it was the smartest thing I had ever done. Unfortunately, it was one of the stupidest things I had ever done. The day I put the "friend" note, I walked by you at lunch and you were joking with your friends about it. Then a girl said, "Don't ignore her." I walked away looking oblivious and as if I thought of them on crack for saying things like that. But I knew that you showed everyone the note, but the one thing I didn't know was if you knew I was the writer of both notes. That day at school, I cried. I don't even know why. Maybe it was because I knew you might have found out who it was and I made a fool out of myself. Maybe it was because you would be such a jerk to do that. 10

Anyway, after that little episode, I think I pulled away from you completely and ignored you like a stupid fool. In my sophomore year, I heard the news that you were going out with a girl. That crushed me completely and I think I cried. I don't know. But I kept thinking that I would never be able to win you now, not especially with a girlfriend that was beautiful, smart, and nice at the same time. 11

With that going on, I let myself get involved with another boy. As soon as that happened, you broke up with the girl. I tried to move in but I didn't have the guts so I gave up and pushed myself away from you to another boy. As that was happening, you got another girlfriend. This time, she was friend. Of course she didn't know about my crush on you, no one except for two of my friends did. But I kept thinking how she was better than I was, why you would pick her over me. 12

So while you were going out with her, I tried to figure out what type of girl was your type. To be frank with you, I still haven't figured it out yet. 13

When I was waiting outside the school for my mom to pick me up on exam week, you drove up to where I was standing. I was happy to see you but then I saw her get out of your car. You were dropping her off at school. So I flashed you a smile and looked elsewhere. Then you asked me if I needed a ride, and I didn't need a ride, but I would have gotten in without another word if I had needed one. I asked to see if I could call my mom on your phone to check whether or not my mom was out of the house yet, fully knowing that she already was. I held you up for maybe a minute or two that day, but in the end I had to let you go. 14

However, that offer you gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, you still had some interest in me...15

That summer, my friend was giving me a ride to a party with your girlfriend in the passenger seat. That's when I heard that you guys had broken up. Believe, me I was happy yet self-hating for being happy about a friend being broken up with. It was a mixed feeling type of thing. 16

I saw you at the party. You gave me one of those cheap party necklaces that was given out at the party (and believe it or not, I still have it hanging in my room). You seem to pay a little bit more attention to me than usual, but of course, I was too stupid to return the attention. I acted like I didn't care. I didn't want to hurt myself again. 17

You were single when school was back in session this year, and I really thought that you were starting to like me again. Walking with me after school, hugging me, complimenting me. Tell me, was it fun to play with my emotions? Because not long after, you were going out with another girl, with whom you virtually had all the same classes with. You're still with her, and I'm jealous as shit.18

Not long after I found out, your ex-girlfriend was pissed off at you. I found out that you were all over her at a concert (which I was again jealous of, not only with you flirty but the fact that she was able to hang out with you). Then two days after, she also found out you were going out with another person. 19

I guess that was what set her off in telling me the real reason for your break up. You were talking about having sex with her, but you broke it off, telling everyone that she was the one pressuring you to have sex. I'm still not sure who's right, but the fact that you were also flaunting around the fact that you had sex with other girls over the summer made me angry or jealous. I should be angry, I shouldn't still be lingering on the idea that I love you, but I just can't. 20

Is that called true love or is it just my foolishness? 21

Aside from the fact that you can't keep a relationship for more than three months (shouldn't that fact worry me?), I noticed that you flirt a lot when you're about to hook up or break up.
Now you're flirting with me again, and I wonder if you're going to break up with your current girlfriend. 22

Right now I'm a junior and you're a senior in high school with no classes or lunches together. There's less than nine months left until you leave forever. Yeah, I have your number and yeah, I have your email. But what good are those things when we don't even talk outside of school? 23

Before you leave, though, I want you to know how I feel about you, how I think you're the most perfect creature to be created, aside from those little flaws. I want you to know that you're not one of the silly crushes I've had in the past. I want you to know that you're always in my head, tormenting me yet making me smile. Before you leave, I want you to have this letter--to have read this letter. 24

But you and I both know that before you leave, I will never give this letter to you. 25

I’ll be counting down for the dreaded day that you will leave, and you and I will no longer be in contact. I’ll hate myself, regret all those times I could have told you the truth, and be tormented by the thoughts of “What if I had told him?” It’s so funny how simply handing you a piece of paper is so easy yet so hard at the same time, but I guess that’s life or at least the life I have created for myself. I wish, though, that I could give you the letter or go out with you for just a week. I wish I could let you know that years can go by and I will still have feelings for you. How I wish I could put time on repeat...26