Day 2:
Funny, isn't it? It starts from day 2. Well, I spent the whole of yesterday trying to get out and get help. The walls are too heavy for me to lift and, being mute doesn't help either. So, after hours of crying out and exhaustion, I've finally resigned myself to simply wait till I'm rescued. The only thing I could think of doing till then is write my experience here.1
I'm a writer. That's pretty much all I do, since I'm deaf and mute. As I have no other way of expressing myself, I've become obsessed about writing. I write on everything I see and feel. That's why I write about what happened yesterday.2
I live on the fourth floor of an apartment overlooking the beach. Yesterday, as I was getting ready to write a poem about a murder of crows that flew above the apartment, the whole world shook violently. Before I realized it was an earthquake, the ceiling of my room caved in. Miraculously, I stood shaking and unscathed in a corner, the only part of the room that still retained its structure. In fact, I could see the sky from a very small opening through the debris. It seemed the whole apartment had just shrugged and sagged down. The shaking continued for a minute or so and then everything stopped. Everything was quiet, as usual :-).3
I tried to get out of the ruins, but the wall was too heavy to lift or move aside. I 'shouted', or rather tried to shout. I can only suppose I produced sound, and if I really did produce it, I hope it was loud enough. After an hour or so, my throat hurt, so I guess I did produce some sound. Anyway, nobody came. This was going to be a tough job for the rescuers, I assumed, since the building had not perished completely and still stood, though crooked. So, there was no way I'd be rescued until some way leading upstairs was found.4
Thankfully, I had eaten to my heart's content yesterday. I'm hungry now, though, as I'm used to skipping meals, it doesn't bother me. Hope I don't have to skip meals for another day :-) I only hope I sha--5
Day:3
Still here. Not rescued yet. The darn pen went dry. Unable to know what to do, I just laid down the notebook, and after shouting for an hour, went to sleep.
As it dawned this morning, and after an hour of simply sitting, I realized I couldn't do without writing. So here I am, writing again. Blood is thicker than water, it seems. It dries pretty quickly. I'm ravishingly hungry now, but there's nothing for me to eat; only the papers, not that hungry yet. I hope Mom's okay. Mom...6
Mom's a florist. She is as beautiful as the flowers she works with; always calm and smiling, never a sad or angry face, and she must have a beautiful voice. When she speaks with other people, her mouth moves like a flower swaying in the gentle evening breeze. Her smell is way better than all the flowers combined. The last I saw of her was the day before yesterday, as I was going into my room and she was searching for the keys. Hope she made it to the streets. Please let her be.7
I guess my hunger is taking its toll on me. I feel kind of sleepy, so I'm going to end today's account here and go to sleep. Then I’ll have to shout, Again.8
Day 4:
They say pain is not superficial; it comes from within. Maybe that's why I don't feel it. My left index finger is all messed up and no more blood comes out of it. I'm now using the middle finger.9
Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore! I don't know what happened. Yesterday I had a dream of eating a feast in my Mom's wedding! Weird, isn't it? Maybe I'm not hungry because of that? Hehe..10
There is an overpowering stench, coming from somewhere on the other side of the wall. Smells like a dead animal, only much stronger. God, please let Mommy be safe. Let her be searching for me in the streets. I hope you had let her find the keys soon enough. 11
I'm feeling groggy now, guess because of my hunger. Either that, or the blood I'm losing. I couldn't shout for even half an hour today. Hope a little sleep would help and by the way, papers taste real weird. I just vomited after eating about ten of them.12
Day 5:
The place looks darker than yesterday. May be I've slept too little, or too much. I couldn't tell. So I just assume I slept too long, as I'm real groggy, and write this as day 5.13
I feel Mom around me. I can smell her. I think she has brought the rescuers here. Everything is going to be alright and I and Mommy are going to be back again. Thank God!14
Hunger does some pretty funny things. For a minute I thought the debris cleared and I saw my mom's face among it, smiling at me and encouraging me to come out. When I blinked, everything was gone and the same old wall stood between me and my life.15
I've read somewhere that the human body contains more than a gallon of blood. I doubt it. None of my fingers give blood now, and what they give is barely enough for scarcely legible writing.16
Time flies real fast! Right before my eyes everything is getting darker by the minute. Night comes real fast, it seems. Even the notebook is barely visible within the fog of darkness. Hope day comes real soon. I'm now writing in complete darkness!! Think I'd have to sleep now, since I don't know if I'm writing in a straight line or over the previous line. I found a funny philosophy today. Guess it'd have to wait till tomorrow. Mom! Please be quick!17
When they found her body two days later, a dusty green notebook lay unacknowledged, under the boots of a rescuer, already merging with the debris below. They found her mom under the hall ceiling, with a key in her hand.
Author notes
Hope this brings out the intended feelings. Thanks Superburn for the prompt, and Thanks Kartz for the corrections.
http://deathstryker.deviantart.com/art/scary-12149543 I thought this suits the story perfectly...
For contest:
I guess five went searching for a piece of 'six' 
May be option four?
A contest entry
- The 'what if?' Prompt contest by Fuzzyheart.
100 points, ended November 9, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Exceptional Stories To Be Published by Andy Stephenson.
350 points, ended October 16, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me laugh, make me cry, make me feel something! by LittleMissChrissie.
450 points, ended October 24, 2008, 75 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - fun for twisted folk (18+) by Immortal Obscurity.
250 points, ended October 24, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me cry T.T by MoraKpon.
235 points, ended November 10, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Do You Know the Rules? by So Strange.
254 points, ended December 31, 2008, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Can you make me... by Forgotten Tink..
300 points, ended November 25, 2008, 24 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scare Me by PsychoticVampiress.
115 points, ended December 3, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - And Then There Were None... by Memoirs of a Girl.
350 points, ended January 13, 24 entries
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1050 points, ended December 23, 2008, 36 entries
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270 points, ended January 14, 30 entries
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175 points, ended January 27, 40 entries
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450 points, ended June 30, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Pulitzer Prize by SilentMoonDance.
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• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Anything is appreciated!!
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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Since I have read this before for a previous contest I will not leave another complete comment. I'll just say this is just as good the second time through as the first and equally as sad. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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I like this! I think I've read it before, a long time ago, but I'm not sure.
I'm not a fan of sad endings, though I feel you pulled this one off.
The idea is intruiging (if that's how it's spelled xD). You described the situation pretty well, with attention to detail; things like the blood in the fingers drying up.
Thank you for entering and good luck! -
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Thanks Vanilla (my fav flavor
).. Glad you liked it... And btw, its 'intriguing' (use a dictionary like I did )
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This is really really interesting!!! From all angles this is an amazing idea!!!
Thank you so much for entering!!!
~Souls!!!
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I liked the comparisons between the mother and flowers. they were well written. The thought of writing with blood made me slightly sick and to be honest it is kind of unbelieve being able to write that much with her blood.
The saddest part for me was her talking about her mother, how much she admired and loved her, wishing she got out in time and then at the end to find out the mother didnt.
Very well writen
thanks for entering.
Didnt make me cry sorry not quite but i did like it alot. -
Nice...
...And sad, of course. This was a really emotional piece and very well written, too. I love the melancholic notes of the story, especially when the main character was accounting the tragic earthquake through writing. Being that she was deaf and mute only added more sadness to the devastating situation she was in. I really wished she and her mother survived, but at least they're together in spirit now.
Great style and good luck in my contest!
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Thank you
May you get some great entries in your contest!
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Hummm...why wasn't she thirsty before she was hungry? I figure that you can survive many days without food but water-you need water to live, and you can die within weeks if you don't have it. So how come she wasn't parched before she was hungry? Strange. It's sad really, that she didn't get any help on time...well, good story, and sorry for the bad comment.
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Hei.. not at all a bad comment. In fact I find critical comments very useful. This particular question has been asked my many readers and I've tried my best to convince them. I've written it in the perspective of a girl who doesn't know the importance of water and hence ignores the signs of dehydration. If you observe closely, the primary cause of her death is not hunger but dehydration caused due to her blood loss. I hope I've made mylself clear.
Thank you for hosting the contest. Have fun!!
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Writing in her own blood that's a little desterbing yet insperational all at the same time. Wouldn't dehydration get her before hunger did? You focus on her hunger yet she's been sitting and screaming for five days wouldn't dehydration be what does her in before the hunger? I know the human bdoy can srvive some 2+ weeks without food but I'm not sure how much blood it would take to write all that either...
A very sad story, I like how you wrote it from the perspctive of a deaf/mute individual, how alone that would be not being able to hear what's going on around you or know if you are actually sceaming.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
Phoenix -
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Thanks Phoenix! I too know that dehydration strikes far earlier than hunger but, I wrote this in the perspective of that girl. If she knew that taking blood out will cause her to die, she simply wouldn't have done it. All she knows is that eating is necessary for living and hence assumes that she's feeling tired and giddy only because of her hunger. She was there for five days only and even on the fifth day, the lack of blood(which she doesn't realise) makes her unconcious.
Thank you for hosting the contest and have fun judging it.
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Please place your option number in the AN.
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done
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Hi
This story is being considered for inclusion in a Storywrite anthology we hope to publish. If you would like this story to be considered, please apply to this group:
http://storywrite.com/group/info/Storywrite%20Anthology%20Volume%20One?stay=1
Andy
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Great
very good im sure i would have cried if i was a crying person. very good description and it really did feel as if i was reading a journalkeep writing and i will look forward mto reading your other works'
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And I will look forward into reading your comments
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The description here is phenomenal! And the emotion portrayed are brillant. Great job on this.
Ara
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Thanks Ara.... Glad you liked it.. Thanks for commenting
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wow.. very descriptive, and a lot of suspense because its written like an entry. this is very good and fits the picture perfectly, i agree. great job
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Thnak you, the Rose on the Mountain of God Glad you liked it. May you have tough time judging!!
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Brilliant..!
Hi da... A tad late. Hope it's not too late... Without further ado, here are my suggestions;
"So after hours of crying out and exhaustion"
--- So, after hours of crying and exhaustion...
"I've become obsessed with writing"
--- I've become obsessed about writing...
"I write everything I see and feel"
--- I write on everything I see and feel...
"That's why I write what happened yesterday"
--- I think it is better if you put it as; 'Which is why I write about what happened yesterday...
"flock of crows"
--- 'flock' is not the collective noun for a group of crows; use 'murder'.
"among the debris"
--- use 'amidst' instead of 'among'
"So there was no way I'd be rescued until some way is found upstairs"
--- So, there was no way I'd be rescued until some way leading upstairs was found...
"I had eaten to my heartful"
--- I had eaten to my hearts content...
Very well written... I find it fine, otherwise. You have maintained the tense throughout. Good...
Wish you good luck..! Peace. -
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Sorry I'm late da... Corrected the mistakes. Thank you... Glad you liked it. I can't access blogs from here. Not a single google service except search goes. So, sorry for not reading your blog. I suggest you post your poems here, so that we may all be enjoying it...
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Thanks andy!! I'm really glad u liked it and absolutely euphoric that u awarded it. It is my fav story and seeing that others lik ur story is a fantastic feeling i'm really honored that u think this s worth publishing.. Regarding the thing about food and water, i've implied that she dies because of the loss of blood, combined with the fact that she eats r drinks nothing.. Thanks for hosting the contest and thank you very much for taking sw forward to a higher platform, and finally, thanks for encouraging us young writers to write something good
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Thanks andy!! I'm really glad u liked it and absolutely euphoric that u awarded it. It is my fav story and seeing that others lik ur story is a fantastic feeling i'm really honored that u think this s worth publishing.. Regarding the thing about food and water, i've implied that she dies because of the loss of blood, combined with the fact that she eats r drinks nothing.. Thanks for hosting the contest and thank you very much for taking sw forward to a higher platform, and finally, thanks for encouraging us young writers to write something good
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Very Good!
p9 (Maybe)
I gather that mother and daughter both died as a result of the quake. Actually a person can go without food much longer than from the lack of water. This is a very tragic tale and I am sure true to life with the possible exception of the notebook.
This is very well written.
Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published.
Andy
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Great Write
I really enjoyed reading this. I know i didn't really make it all the way through to comment the first time and i apologize for that but i am back now! There were a couple of issues i saw with grammar, but they were small enough that i can't remember what they were.. so i pretty much give this a thumbs up. This makes me want to read more of your writing. -
wowww
wow that was so sad...i loved it!
im a grammar freak, but i didnt find much to compain about. your descriptions were moving and the whole blood is thicker then water thing was clever and depressing. I felt so bad for the girl trapped and was really wishing the rescuers would find her in time
your descriptions of the mother were simply amazing "when she speaks her mouth moves like a flower swaying" I could picture that perfectly. u said a lot in so few words.
great job! =)
xoxo -
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Thanks dd!!This was a story in which I was depressed even while writing it. Glad you liked it
P.s: Let me tell you two secrets about why the story is short:
1. I don't want ppl to move away just because it is big
2. I don't know how to write long stories My largest story is 1300 words
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very good thanks for entering my contest hehe... what'd you write about tho? and i'll comment more later.. good luck!
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Yes he did! I wrote about a deaf-mute trapped in a building shattered in an earthquake. Hope you like it
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oh... kirin wrote this lol
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I didnt realize you wrote this because it was under stories you are focused on xD lol, dont I feel dumb! haha...This was very good Great detail Keep up the great work!!! I can't wait to read more
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Thanks Jewl!! Glad you liked it
I placed it there so that ppl visiting my page may not have difficulties finding it.. Seems I've made a mistake
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Depressing, haunting and good. My favorite line, 'They found her mom under the hall ceiling, with a key in her hand.' Not only was she trappen by her inability to speak or hear, her mother imprisoned her in her room.
I liked this, look forward to reading more.it was a good read.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thank you very much That was my fav line too.. Glad you liked it
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Quite depressing, you give so much hope right up until the end, though in a way I knew she (it is a she, right?) wouldn't make it.
I think you did quite well expressing yourself and making the reader sympathize with the protagonist. Well done!
Regarding her "shouting" out it confused me too at first until I did remember mutes can make noise. One word I do see sometimes associated with them is "grunt" if that helps instead of shout.
p. 7 "The last I saw of her was yesterday, " I assume you mean the day before yesterday as this was day 3.
Also in a few places I noticed you missed putting the word "the" before some words, it's not that important and didn't effect the story
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Thanks Toni, for the comment and the applause! I really really appreciate it. It was a she alright. I've changed the shouting part accordingly, so tell me if it's better. And the yesterday thing: I was carried off.. Thanks for pointing out. Changed it too. Hope you like it. Thanks again
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That's a good story, wow. I think I'll carry a pen full of ink around now, in case I ever get trapped. I don't want to use my fingers to write my final words!
A couple things confused me; at the beginning you say she's deaf and mute, but you have her shouting two different times for help.
And in P16 you say that none of the fingers give blood, and then right away you say that they do, just a bit. Kind of contradictory there.
The end was really intense, with the mom and the key in her hand...wow. -
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Thanks for reading and commenting, Val!
Regarding her shouting, I also mentioned that she only supposed she made the sound and, sound comes out even for mute people. Seems the word 'shout' implies that she let out words... My bad. Can you suggest a better word, please?
Well, I thought I could portray the fact that though the fingers are not completely dry, they are drained of all the blood they once had and now gave away only what was left; the wetness. Must have been clearer. Sorry.
Thanks again for your honest critique. I really appreciate it
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Well, "shout" can mean different things, just "HEY!" or "Dude, is anyone out there!!" or "AAAAAA!!"; I think that was my issue. Shouting is a way of speaking as well as a sound in and of itself. I think maybe "call" or something more specific, like "croak" "wheeze" etc, something that goes directly at the fact that the protagonist can't actually make proper sounds for calling loudly for help, might work a bit better; what do you think?
Oh, and also, eew, maybe at the end you could have her mix the last blood with spit so it stretches further, suck it out of her fingertips since it won't flow? Nasty, but dude, I'd do that if I had to...
Just my thoughts. -
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Thanks for the suggestion, Val. I'll edit the story this afternoon, wait. The timezones
It's aboout 9 am here. I'll edit the story accordingly and inform you.
And that spit thing, You bet it's eew. You are one nasty woman alright
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sad :-(
Very good, sad but i like it alot! -
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Thank you! Glad you liked it
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Here is your prompt
"What if you were trapped in a cave-in?" -
YOu would write a story.
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