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When All the World's Awry2
The loud buzzing sound of the alarm startled Amy awake. She sat up quickly, disoriented from still being half asleep, until her mind recognized the sound. She flopped back down on the bed and hit the snooze button. Pulling the covers over her head she dreaded the thought of getting out of bed to face another day. One seemed so much like the next that the monotony was getting unbearable. Amy dozed in and out of consciousness until the alarm sounded again. 3
"OK, OK, I'm up!" Amy impatiently yelled at the alarm clock as if it were a person. She swung her feet half heartedly over the side of the bed with a heavy sigh. The sun shone brightly through the sheer curtains, with a nice spring breeze that flowed in the songs of the early morning birds. Amy did not see it though. All she saw was gray clouds and darkness shrouding her being.4
Amy slowly drug herself to the bathroom for a shower before going downstairs to pour herself a cup of coffee. The house was still quiet and peaceful, the way Amy liked it. She looked over at the clock on the stove and sighed again. Half an hour to go and she'd have to get her daughters up for school. She dreaded having her peace and quiet invaded, it created so much anxiety for her. She wasn't quite sure why. Especially, since her daughters were now 13 and 14 years old and basically took care of themselves. But just having them moving about the house seemed to drive her insane.5
Amy's husband had left her when the girls were younger. He ran off with another woman that Amy assumed must have been a "normal" woman or at least more normal than she was. It was so hard for her to convey her thoughts to others as to what was actually going on with her. So often she just heard people say, "Well snap out of it," "If you just do this or just do that than you'll be fine," or, " You're making more out of it than you need and making it harder on yourself." No one seemed to understand that it wasn't that easy so she elected to just stay away from people all together because their voices just echoed in her head. It made her feel even crazier than she already felt. She knew that she didn't view the world as others did and she was trapped by irrational fears that no one understood.6
Amy was lost in thought when she heard her daughters bounding down the stairs yelling," Mom, we're going to be late again!" Each thud, thump, thud... of their feet on the stairs seemed to drive a nail into Amy's head that pierced it with pain. She looked at the clock and realized an hour had passed and the girls had to be to school in fifteen minutes. She watched as her daughters rushed into the kitchen scrambling into the cupboards and the refrigerator for cereal and milk.7
"Mom we're still out of milk," her oldest daughter, Rebbecca, cried," You haven't gone to the store yet?" She looked at her daughter guiltily, as she had meant to go to the store, but the mere thought sent her heart racing. She hated going to the store. All the people that weaved in and out of the aisles made her feel uncomfortable. She felt as if they were all staring at her and she was transparent with them seeing straight through her and into her every thought. " For get it, we'll get breakfast at school!" Rebbecca slammed the refrigerator door shut and Amy jumped at the sound and froze at the tone of anger in her daughter's voice. It was clearly evident in Rebecca's eyes that she was frustrated and discouraged. Amy knew that look well, it was the look her ex always gave her. Her other daughter Samantha just sat on the side lines watching.8
"I'll go to the store today I promise," Amy mumbled, before going back up to her room to dress so she could drive her daughters to school. 9
"Mom, don't worry Cassie's Mom is here to drive us," Rebbecca yelled up the stairs when Amy was half dressed. Amy flopped back down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She was disappointed in herself and she felt the tears slowly burn in her eyes before the anger swelled inside her. She knew she was letting her daughters down and she didn't know how to get out of the trap she was in. Before she knew what was happening an explosive rage swelled deep inside her and she felt as if she was going to loose it. "You can't loose control," she told herself. So she squeezed her eyes shut and fought off the burning desire to destroy something in order to release the flood of emotions that over came her. 10
Without even thinking about what she was doing Amy stood up. As soon as she did her room seemed to just vanish and she had stepped into a musty basement that seemed so real even the smell almost made her want to wretch. Worse yet, a man stood over her with a fierce flaming anger that shot out of his eyes. Amy heard him saying something to her but she could not make out what he was saying. The next thing she knew the belt he was holding was being swung and crashed into her body over and over again before the man grabbed her up by her hair and threw her down on the bed. Amy heard her own voice echoing as if it were coming from far away, " No Daddy, No. Please don't," she cried, before her mouth was smothered by his.11
Amy suddenly snapped back to reality and realized that she was still standing in her room only she was shaking from head to toe. Her heart was racing, and sweat poured from her forehead. She was gasping for air. She had been holding her breath during the whole flash back in hopes of shutting it off, which worked. She had managed to shut off the memory before the worse of it came. The part she never wanted to remember. Amy shuddered at the realism she had felt in the memory before she ran for the bathroom and found herself retching in the toilet. As odd as it seemed this seemed to bring Amy relief, as she felt she was regurgitating the poison from her body. When she was done she rinsed her mouth and took her pills, that had been prescribed for her, from the bathroom cabinet. She popped one in her mouth rinsing it down with water, knowing it would take the edge off her anxiety but she felt she would never truly be free of the past that haunted her.12
Thankfully, Amy had an appointment with her therapist that day. She dressed herself up casually, put on her make up and did her hair to complete the facade of a normal person. She took the mask out from the deepest part of her mind and put it on before she headed out. Of course, it was an invisible mask but Amy saw it as being real and she slipped out of herself and into an unknown shell of herself so she could cope with the outside world.13
Amy entered her therapist's office and sat down on the couch without saying a word. Her heart was racing and her mind was spinning but she ignored it.14
"So, Amy, How are you today?" Amy heard the therapist say as if she were a million light years away.15
"Fine," Amy lied, staring blankly at the floor with the flashback still fresh in her mind along with the feelings it had left in its wake.16
"Nothing new going on?" the therapist asked.17
"Nope," Amy replied, as she stared into the darkness she had created before her. He inner self so wanted to talk about the events of the morning but her mind was frozen. Terrified that if she let even a single word escape than she would loose control of her feelings and that would be embarrassing to do in front of another person. Just the thought alone withdrew her deeper into her shell even though she knew if she didn't speak she would not get anywhere.18
"You don't look so good, Amy. Are you sure there is nothing on your mind?" The therapist prodded and Amy yearned to let go. To set free some of the feelings she held trapped inside but she couldn't bring herself to do it.19
"Nope, nothing's on my mind. Same ole shit, just another day," Amy replied bitterly.20
"Hmmm..." the therapist answered, jotting down something on the notepad she held in her lap.21
"Any more flashbacks?" The therapist continued to prod.22
"Nope," Amy lied again, even with the flashback from that morning still playing in her head, but she knew if she spoke of it not only would it become real but the rest of the memory might emerge as well. She wasn't ready for that so she sealed her mouth shut tight as she had been trained to do.23
"OK, I guess we are done for today," the therapist announced and another session passed with Amy unable to get out what she held onto so tightly inside. She left the office discouraged with herself. But that was a familiar feeling for her. One in which she was accustomed to and felt comfortable with. She wondered if she would ever be able to accept anything else. Having put herself back in that comfort zone of feeling worthless she had the courage to make the trip to the store for groceries erasing from her mind anything else that had occurred that morning. 24
"Daddy would be so proud of me," Amy murmured to herself, as she put the groceries away aligning each of the cans and boxes perfectly on the shelf. 25
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Author notes
I'm sorry if this is too long. The mental illness that I chose to write about is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) In order to convey the whole illness it had to be a little long because PTSD has a lot of other disorders weaved in with it like depression, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, disassociation, etc. And there are a lot of things that go through the mind when suffering from this disorder. I hope I conveyed it well enough to shed some light on it.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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No this was brilliant! PTSD is terrifying to deal with. I was diagnosed with it after abuse... and I think you did an unreal job of giving glimpses into her past and why she is the way she is. Definitely a great write. Thanks and good luck!
Shari -
Excellent!
This is the first thing on this site that I've read from the parent's point of view rather than that of the "suffering" teen. Excellent work! The intensity and sadness kept my reading until the end. I quite liked the ending too. Great job! -
I like this piece; most depressing stories I read now a days are about teens getting beaten or something. But taking a parents point of view is vivid.
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This was a very intense and well written story. You have so much talent, and it is great to see your creative juices flow. Not only is this a wonderful story, it lets the reader see a bit of what this disorder is and what it can do. Excellent work.
S♠m
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