Sudden Darkness (Chapter Two)

21

Because I could not stop for Death2

He kindly stopped for me3

The Carriage held but just Ourselves4

And Immortality.5

-Emily Dickinson6

I was a vampire.7

I stared in a mirror, surprised I had a reflection. I was a vampire – not quite what I imagined being when I grew up. Maybe a lawyer or a doctor. Even a store owner. I wasn’t human anymore though. Fangs grew from my mouth, my fingers seemed longer, and my skin was smooth and white as porcelain. I, who read books upon books of fantasy novels, was a vampire. “I am allowing you into a world you truly want,” Heath said. “As a vampire.” I faltered in my steps away from him, my feet dragging into the floor. I was a vampire, my throat could not open up enough to form words, but I made sounds I would normally be embarrassed over. My hands twisted in my dress, then gripped my arms. I smelled blood and I knew without even looking that it was coming from Heath. But some human part of me screamed in protest, “This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening! I’m not dead!” My voice was still beyond words as I howled. Then, suddenly I felt myself being crushed to him. I started to see my ripped dress, and then his arms locked around my waist. “You can’t escape this,” he said. “You have simply changed. And changing you back is impossible. Now, it is up to you to accept.” No, no, NO! This type of thing didn’t happen in reality. It was a dream helped along by the novels I read and too many horror movies. I was exhausted, and all the stress I was going through didn’t help. When I woke up, I’d be back at home. I just needed to wake up! “This isn’t real,” I said. But the dream ignored me. “You’re going to live your life as an immortal. But your transformation was quick, only hours long. It is because you are strong that it happened so fast.” I couldn’t understand what he meant. The transformation I just went through. I had only survived because I was strong. Only hours? Did that mean anything? If so, I wonder what meaning it had. He read my mind. “No, not much of a special thing. You didn’t recover the fastest I’ve ever seen. You’ll still pretty strong.” I looked down at where his arms clutched me. There was a long rip up the side of my dress. He probably was the one who did that, which made me wonder what else he had done. All I said was, “Okay?” 8

“I didn’t do anything… sexual… to you. I’m just saying you have a mental strength a lot don’t possess. Two hours, two hours is a lot faster than anyone recent. If you can imagine, some take days and days to change. If they make it at all.” 9

“If they make it at all,” I could only parrot his words. This must be a dream. Maybe he slipped me some acid, but like in dreams, I felt like I had no control. “I can’t go back to my life now.” 10

“You don’t think vampires can function in normal society?” He smiled. “Well, it is a bit different for us. Especially in the beginning. You’ll get use to all of that quickly though. Hey, it might only take a year or so.” 11

“No. I want to change back.”12

“Then you’ll have a more difficult time accepting what you now are. There is no going back.”13

I laughed. “Yeah, I guess not. I guess being a vampire is forever.” Heath ignored my hysterical laughter. “You’ll have to just move on despite your feelings. Different as it is. Remember, you have always wanted this – even if you didn’t know it.” Right, I wanted this. “Look, this has been a real trip. Now fix me or whatever. This isn’t real – we’re people for Christ’s sake!” He shook his head. “You’ll get use to it. Blake and Jeremy, you guys take her home.” The ride home was long and dark.14

That was three days ago. Now I knew it was real, not a dream, not a bad acid trip. Just. Real. “Victoria, open this door!” Mom. I’d avoided her all weekend, Mary too, staying in my room, not even getting close to hungry. Not that I knew what kind of hungry I was supposed to feel. Almost everything in my room was covered in a sheet. I’d started with the mirror; I couldn’t stand to see my reflection in it. Then I stored away my alarm clock in a drawer, my pictures, and all of my novels – everything reminded me of what I was. I brushed aside a corner of sheet covering my mirror and stared into the mirror. Disgusting. I lowered the sheet back down, considered smashing the mirror on the other side. I’d never have to look in it again. “Victoria!” Her voice bothered me and I turned away from the covered mirror. Maybe talking to my mother was what I needed. She was a fairly rich woman. Maybe she could fix this. She knew doctors, lawyers – the best anywhere. And if she couldn’t, I could always try killing myself. Did vampires die? Surely they did, just like in the movies. I leaned my forehead against my door. I was afraid to open it. I rested my hand on the door knob as I rested there. “Hey, Mom,” I said quietly. “I’ll open the door.” 15

“Finally! Well, open it!”16

I slowly opened the door. It seemed to take forever and I could hear the door squeaking, rubbing against the floor. I didn’t know how my mother would react, would she me as a monster? She looked perfect in her Armani suit, if just a bit pissed off. She came stomping into my room then turned to face me. “What are you doing? Why aren’t you in school?” Of course, she just wanted to know why I wasn’t in school. Anyone would wonder, I guess. “Something’s happened. Mom, something has changed. I’m not the same anymore.” She scanned me up and down, and then laughed. “Oh, okay. Well, you shouldn’t be skipping school.” I tried my best to stay calm. I knew if I got upset she wouldn’t take the time to listen. Mom grabbed my arm. Before I could think, I moved quickly across the room, away from her. I stopped myself before I scrambled onto my bed. She looked at me with panic and backed away. I could see she was stiffening. “Victoria?” She question. “What’s wrong? Why are you so cold?” She looked away from me, like she was trying to gather her thoughts. “How did you move that fast? Why is your room covered in sheets?” She was starting to shake and I was almost starting to as well. I tried to keep my voice steady as I said, “Mom, I am a vampire. I’m a vampire. Can’t you tell? Look at me closer. Maybe you’ll see it.” As I said it, a horrible thought grew. Maybe she’d freak out. We’d grown so far apart lately. Maybe she would kick me out. Stake me or something and tell the cops I went missing. I’d have to run away, to live in the streets. I’d become like a monster, living in alleys and feasting on rats. “Mom, please.” I held out my hand, looking at my elongated fingers, wishing they were still my hands. I looked at her. She was turning away from me, shutting her eyes. “Mom, please look. Please.” She opened her eyes. “Victoria, you’re really a vampire?” When I nodded, she said, “You’re not just sick? Because if you are, we should just take you to a doctor.”17

“No, Mom. I’m not sick. I’m dead.”18

“What? How? You’re dead?” She rubbed her eyes. “I was changed by another vampire, Mom,” I said. “There are vampires, Mom. Right here in our city.” I paused, she was staring at me as if I was nuts. She slowly sank to the ground, back sliding against my lilac wall. When she finally could speak again, she said, “This… this… sickness. We’ll fix it, baby. I’ll find a doctor. Don’t worry. You’re not dead, honey.” I felt slightly relieved, but knew there was no fixing this. How could I show up at a doctor’s with no heartbeat? They throw me in a glass room and experiment on me. “Mom, I can’t go to a doctor.” I slipped up next to her and raised her fingers to my neck.19

Mom left, saying she had a lunch meeting with a very important client. She would be home tonight for dinner. That is if I still ate dinner. I didn’t know, I hadn’t tried. I wondered if I would soon start attacking people for their blood. By nine thirty, I wonder if Mom wasn’t coming home. Was she talking to doctors? But who’d believe her? What would she say: “Hey, my daughter’s lacking a pulse and hasn’t eaten in days, yet she is still walking and talking”? By midnight, I’d figure I would need a backup plan. Unfortunately, it involved Blake. I called his cell phone. “Why haven’t you called me?” He whined. “I’m calling you now.” 20

“But I thought you’d call sooner, like, over the weekend.”21

I tried to hide my annoyance, “Well, you know, being changed into a vampire doesn’t make much for wanting to talk.” I had to be nice to him. He was my best chance and he was always acting like he loved me. So if he would just take me in, I could be out of here before Mom could bring over a host of doctors. “Blake, I’m sorry. I’m not happy with this. Actually, I told my mom and I was hoping you could help me.” I glanced behind me to make sure Mom wasn’t already standing there. “You told your mom?” That pissed me off, but instead I said, “Yes. I know. I probably shouldn’t have and it’s probably gotten me in trouble, hasn’t it?” I took a deep breath and began to fan his ego. “I just knew I could turn to you. I know normally I’m kind of a bitch. God, I’m so sorry, I never realized how things where for you. You’re so strong to deal with this.” I could almost hear him beaming on the other side of the phone. “Yeah, well, it’s no big deal, really.” 22

“Everyone else seemed so cold that night. I’m so lucky I know you.”23

“Yeah, it’s cool. Listen, I’m at home right now, watching a movie with my parents. But I could come over after, maybe. Your mom’s not home yet, right?” I grinned. “Right. Thanks so much, Blake. You have no idea how much this means to me.” He chuckled. “Okay. See you later?” 24

“Thank you, Blake,” I spoke in a husky voice. “Thank you so much…” 25

“You’re welcome,” he giggled. He giggled! “Never heard you say thank you to me before.” We hung up. I would be all right.26

It was 1 a.m. I told Mary, over the phone, that Blake was coming over and avoided her questions. I was sitting on my bed, window opening, and lights off. Waiting. In the dark, full of anxiety, Blake might goggle at me for it. I was wearing one of my mom’s university t-shirts, very large, to make me feel better, and sweat pants. All I need was some to talk to, love and conversation. That and knowledge. Then, I would be fine. I’d feel better about myself and wouldn’t be freaking out every other second. Finally, a knock came at my door. “Come in,” I said. He opened the door, cautiously. I’d cleaned up my room, though I did not removing the sheets. I had found two pictures of Blake with me and set them up by the lamp on my dresser, so he could see them. “Why is it so dark in here?” he asked. “I mean I know we’re vampires, but damn. This is creepy.” 27

“I feel better this way.” I patted the spot next to me on the bed, trying to keep my voice steady. “I wanted to talk. You could probably tell me so much, Blake. I don’t know what I would do without you.” 28

“Oh, I’m sure you would be fine.” He gazed at the photos on the dresser. “Sure.” Again I gestured to the bed for him to sit. “Can we talk now? My mom still hasn’t come home. I don’t know when she’ll be here.” He finally sat and I leaned against my headboard. “Victoria, I’m glad you choose to talk to me. Really.” He moved closer to me, getting friendly. I felt a little uncomfortable; it wasn’t my first time being alone with a boy, but still. This was Blake. “Let’s just talk awhile,” I said. “Mm-hm, okay. That’s what I came over here to do.” I sat silent for awhile. I expected him to do the talking, like explain what exactly we were or what I was supposed to be doing. He said nothing and the silence drew out awkwardly. “Well, Victoria. What do you want to talk about?” I sighed indignantly at him and looked out the window. “I don’t know, how about what exactly we are for starters?” 29

“Well, what do you know? I don’t really know all the much.”30

“Of course, I know we’re vampires.”31

“Let me turn on the light. I want to see while we talk.”32

My vision was perfect in the dark; I guess he just wanted to turn it on for comfort. The light came on. He looked around at the sheets covering the room. “What the hell? You’re not dead, you know.” He started staring at me. I pouted; afraid I might start yelling at him. “Jesus, Victoria. Get a grip.” He rolled his eyes. “Blake. It’s not like anyone told me how to deal with all this.” I swept my hand around myself. He wasn’t really buying it, but he nodded his head. The gesture kind of hurt. “Blake, please. This is all kind of crazy, but you have to understand. That guy – he never told me anything.” He examined me for a minute. “Really? He didn’t say a word about it?”33

“Look at me? Do I look like I have a freaking clue?” Blake reached out, as if to comfort me, and then pulled his hand back. “I don’t know what to tell you.”34

“Blake…” I went to grab on to him and keep him close. I could tell he was starting to get freaked out. “Listen. I don’t know what to tell you, but I’ll get someone else to come over, Victoria.” 35

“Please, Blake. You can help me, I know I’m going to stay this way and I need help. Please, you must know what this feels like!”36

“I can’t help you right now!”37

This wasn’t going well. Maybe it was better if I let him go. Maybe he really had no idea what it was like for me. “Tell me whatever you know, now. Then you can send someone later.” I felt like crying and knew I was shaking. I felt pathetic. “You said you’d talk to me.”38

“That was when I thought you just needed some comfort.” He tried to leave, but I clung to him. “What the hell! Calm down, I promise I’ll send Heath or something.”39

“I just need…”40

“I know! Just let me go. Shit.”41

“Blake, I’m freaking out. Seriously freaking. Don’t leave me alone.” He looked like he might stay. He stepped into me. When I loosened my grip, he pushed pass me and headed to my bedroom door. “Blake! Come back!” I followed him out into the hallway, not even thinking about my mom. “Please! I’ll do anything.” 42

“Chill OUT!” He moved to the front door. I continued to follow him, “Blake?” He opened the door and stepped out, turning to face me. “What?” 43

“Who are you going to ask?”44

“I don’t know, Victoria, but I’ll ask someone. I can’t deal with you.” He looked at me again and shook his head. He got in his car and was gone. I went back to my room and sprawled on my bed. The lamp was still on and it bothered me. I don’t know exactly what I had expected from Blake, but it was a surprise we both reacted the way we did. Heath had done this to me – I guess I shouldn’t expect Blake to fix Heath’s mistake. I was terrified and alone. I’d never been very scared in my life. Now as a vampire, I felt weaker than ever. How was I going to be able to be around anybody now that I am this? I just wanted the same thing that a lot of girls wanted a supernatural romantic fantasy. Okay, maybe not a lot of girls. Now what. What were the chances that I would find someone to love me now? Then again I was only seventeen and I now had forever. 45

Good to know: Mom hadn’t talked to any doctors. Well, she did, but anonymously and through e-mail. Over the next few weeks, my mom and I talked to a bunch of doctors, witches, and shaman. They all said the same thing. I’m screwed. There was no changing back. We also received many e-mails back with ‘stop e-mailing me you crazy person’ or something similar. Mom and I barely spoke the entire time. When we finally did, Mom walked in and sat down with me. I sunk back onto my bed, depressed. It was August and still warm out. Mom gestured for me to sit up and listen to her. “What is it?” I asked. “I’ve missed a lot of work for you. It’s a waste of time and everyone we’ve spoken with is saying the same thing.” She saw my face and grew silent for a minute. “Mom?” I leaned forward. She started getting up and I did the same. “You’re done helping me, aren’t you?” My mom’s lips twitched a little bit. “Honey, there’s nothing to be done.”46

That night I couldn’t stop thinking about everything I had been told, about how I couldn’t do anything and had to accept what had happened. Mom wasn’t home and Mary wasn’t answering her phone; she had gotten pissed off enough to stop talking to me. So I took out a razor and sat in the bathroom. Never thought I would do this. I hacked at my arm, and then peeled some of the skin away. I waited, staring at my arm. Blood dripped. Maybe I could kill myself this way. Mom could have a nice funeral for me. I watched the ceiling for a second as I thought about what the procession would be like and almost felt a sense of relief. I looked back down at my arm. The skin had healed up and if anything, possibly looked more perfect than before. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife I could find. Slicing out a chunk of my arm, I stood there fascinated as my arm healed. I was indestructible! I wonder what would happen if I shot myself? What was worse – committing suicide or being a monster? I left the knife in the kitchen sink and went to my bedroom window. There was no one in the streets; it was a little pass 3 a.m. I decided to get online and keep looking, maybe IM some people. I’d gone along with my mom’s ‘severe infection’ story until school had ended. This August I told the school I was going to some super-elite art magnet school. I couldn’t even draw. They’d barely cared. In the street below, a homeless guy made his way through the neighborhood. I felt an odd gnawing sensation and began wonder why I hadn’t fed on blood yet. What was it like to drink blood, to bite into a victim’s neck? I watched him fall into the shadows. I stumbled to bed and closed my eyes. “Wake up.” The voice came from my window. Slowly, I turned to face it. “What are you doing here?” Heath was sitting on my window ledge, feet dangling out in the empty air. “Don’t sound so enthused,” he said. “Just came to talk.” 47

“So?” I said. “Talk.”48

“You’re finally taking this seriously. I’ve been watching you a lot of the time. I see you realizing there is no going back – no witches, priests, or shaman can help you.”49

“How did you…”50

“I even saw your little chat with Slade.”51

“Then why didn’t you come sooner?”52

“It was too interesting.”53

I shook my head. 54

“I told you, you’re a vampire. You have to accept that. Have you learned to feed yet?”55

I didn’t answer.56

“Didn’t think so. Amazing, most don’t last this long before trying to feed. We need to get you fed and you’ll feel amazing. Be able to do amazing things. Small stuff at first, but eventually!” I could see him getting excited. “Let’s go. Come one, we’ll pick a person. Someone easy.” I didn’t want to do anything he said, but I could feel that gnawing sensation and this time stronger. I thought of the hobo I had seen earlier, and just as quick, Heath was pushing me through the window. I fell to the ground with a heavy thud. He laughed. “We’ll have to teach you to be more graceful.”57

“You didn’t have to shove me out the window!” I yelled at him. He landed silently beside me. “Okay, so what?” I said bitterly. Next thing I knew, we were in between the houses where the hobo had disappeared. “What are we doing?” I whispered. “Getting you something to eat. Follow me. One will be enough, right?” I started to cringe, but again, I felt the gnawing. I saw the homeless man now. I drew silently closer, unconsciously. I could smell the stench of his rags, covered in urine and alcohol. After a minute, Heath whispered to me. “Go for it.” 58

“I can’t. I don’t want to be a monster.” I looked at the homeless man. I was starving and I had an idea of what I had to do. The man was fast asleep, noisily snoring in his sleep. The gnawing had gotten stronger over the last few months and I knew why. I knew I wouldn’t last. This would change everything; I would never again gain back my old life. I had nothing and no one to run to now. “Have you given a thought to how you’re going to survive?” Heath harshly whispered in my ear. I laughed. “I could starve to death.” He looked away. “You won’t.” 59

“I won’t?”60

“No. You can’t. If you start starving you’re body would go into survival mode. You would attack anything unknowingly – even your mom.”61

“I wouldn’t do that! She’s my mom!”62

He smiled a little. “Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter to the vampire in you.” The rags at our feet stirred. “You made me this way.” I began to shake. “You were a good choice,” he grimaced. “Are you bothered by me?” I grimaced back. “Do you regret it?”63

“Maybe I wasn’t wrong about changing you, but maybe I shouldn’t stick around for you.”64

“Stick around? How have you stuck around? By stalking me? You haven’t done anything to help me figure this all out.” 65

“I can give you advice, and my first is, go for his neck. It’s easier that way.” He melted into the shadows. I looked at the homeless man guiltily – and pounced.66

Sometimes, walking around in the city, you see these homeless people. I never thought about them before, or if I had it, it was about how to avoid them. Now I thought about them whenever I saw one. I thought about how one second you could be alive, albeit barely, and the next dead in some gutter. I was something out there that was killing these people. If I had forever left, I would be spending some of those moments draining these people because of that one moment Heath had decided to make me what I am. Funny thing about my window. Once I learned how to jump out of it, I was out all the time. First, I just looked for homeless people. Catching them like rats in alleys and dumpsters; sleeping or warming their hands with fires in metal barrels. Eventually I began to watch Slade or Jeremy from the dark. They were together a lot, but Slade was closer to Heath, something I found odd. I wonder if Jeremy knew why or if he was confused about it like I was. Then I started watching the others. My room was empty a lot those autumn months. Rachel sometimes tried to call and left messages, but I never called her back. I remember her saying to be careful before any of this had happened. If she ever found out, she would probably think I had gotten what I deserved. I hated to think about it. I started this thing where I would I open up the phone book, then point to some random person. I’d read their address, look them up on a map, and go watch what they did. A lot of times it was boring stuff. Watching T.V., exercising, or playing on their computers. One morning, I decided to use my yearbook instead. People I had some sort of connection with would be more interesting. The picture I chose was Jeremy Caserta, a fellow vampire. I had seen him hunt, but now that I thought about it, after dropping out of school, I never knew how the other vampires stayed managed school. Jeremy would probably be the best person to talk to anyway, but first I was going to stake him out. I looked up his address and took off. I was surprised that he was a kid that was bused in from the deeper part of the city. On the street, hookers solicited their service to drivers-by. Nearby, a junkie was shooting up on a dilapidated porch. His house was little more than a wood shack with crumbling cement stairs. A bare bulb dangled from wires and dimly lit the front door. The house had peeling paint and was missing shingles. There were stolen crates sitting by the side of the house next to a bucket being used as an ashtray, obviously a fire hazard for this match-box house. When I peeked through the window, I was surprised to find the inside looking fairly clean. Jeremy sat at his kitchen table, reading. I never took him for a reader. He was flipping pages at a steady pace. I was entranced by the smooth curve of his neck as he read and must have sat watching him for a near ten minutes. “Hey, boy,” a shrill voice cried out and we both jumped. I hadn’t looked in any other windows and didn’t realize anybody else was in the house. Jeremy was staring through the doorway that led out of the kitchen, “Yeah?” 67

“I’m over heating in here! Bring yourself in here and turn on the fan.” Jeremy grunted and slipped a piece of paper in his book. I glanced at the title. Duma Key. I’ve read that book. I could hear Jeremy in the other room, but couldn’t see anything. Only his front door showed from this angle. “You want a soda, too?” He was walking back into the kitchen; I ducked low at the window sill. “Yeah.” The answer back was muffled. Jeremy opened up a fridge that looked like it was on its last leg. “Well, hurry up!” The voice was shrill again. “Coming.” He cast a glance at his book and took the soda to the voice. “Cool?” I heard him say, but didn’t catch the response. He grabbed a soda for himself and went back to his book. 68

Normally, I only watched people for a short while, but I kept watching Jeremy. It was fascinating. Obviously, the other vampires had dropped out of school, including Jeremy. He still humbled himself towards humans though. I don’t think I could have ever been as kind as he is proven to be. I couldn’t believe how different he was from our other fellow vampires. I watched all kinds of emotions play across his face, but nothing close to the rage I sometimes felt. One day, while he was making dinner, someone started violently banging on the door. He opened it and a hand reached out and grabbed him. “Where’s the money?” I was startled, a gorilla came into view or at least a man that closely resembled one did. “The money?” Jeremy questioned calmly.69

“You know what I’m talking about. Your mom owes me.”70

“I don’t know, man. The old lady ain’t in.” He detached the man from himself. He walked back into the kitchen and the gorilla followed him. “Give me my money, kid! Think y’all can steal from me?” The man swung a hairy fist, but Jeremy slid out of the way and closer to the door. “I don’t have it.”71

“Fucker.”72

He picked up his book and tucked it under his arm. “Listen, man. I don’t know where she is and I don’t have any money.” 73

“Well you better tell your mom if I find her, she’ll be in a world of hurt unless she has it for me.”74

“Fine. Get out.” His face was starting to turn an angry red, my first time seeing it. “I’ll tell her.”75

“My exact words, boy. I ain’t playing this.”76

“Yeah. I got it.”77

The guy barreled pass Jeremy and through the front door. Jeremy sat down, clutched his book to his chest, and looked exhausted. I wanted to go in and comfort him, but couldn’t let him I know I had been watching. He should just run away, I thought. Just leave. Jeremy regained his composure and left the room. I left as well.78