The summer of 2002, how could I forget it? It was one of the saddest summers I have ever experienced. Grandpa was in the hospital again. He had been really sick lately, so we had to go down to Wichita for a couple days. It wasn't all for him, mind you, Aunt Anette was coming as well. It also cost way too much money to go down to Wichita every day.1
June fourth was a rainy day- the kind of day you usually get a lot of severe weather on. There were some tornados in the area, but thank God none of them hit us. We got a call from Grandma at 3 that afternoon. Grandpa had 24 hours left. I was shocked! He had been fine just a couple months ago. Two days ago they gave him a year! Now he only had 24 hours! 2
I just felt numb sitting in the waiting room. I could only stare blankly at the tv screen while I thought of all the memories. Past vacations when he would play battleship or tell us funny stories. Funny stories about him and his brother Phil trying to get the best of one another. For instnance, the time they tried to scare each other at night and they smacked heads in the hallway during the process. I remembered when he would send us those hillarious e-cards after giving our family a computer. Then Grandma, my parents, and my aunt came in the waiting room. With a quavering voice and a tear-stained face, Grandma told us Grandpa had gone to be with Jesus.3
The odd thing is, it brought us together. My cousins all came out and we went camping. That was about the only good thing that happened that summer. I remember Uncle Phillip, Grandpa's brother, saying, "Its sad that it takes a death to bring the family together". Well, now we take his words to heart, and we get together every summer. I guess that is one summer memory that I will truly treasure for the rest of my life. Summer is the time for family to get together, I am glad we now know and value that.4
Robert Joseph Patenaude Sr, 1928-2002
Author notes
Yeah, That was my summer, btw Rosie
Written first for a contest at Allpoetry. The reason this is so short, is that it was supposed to be in a word constraint. I edited it again for a paper I did in high school, I shall have to upload that version sometime. Also for anyone who feels they must criticize my spelling of "tornados"- I am from Kansas, that is tornado alley, and I've spelled it that way my whole life. It's actually how it is supposed to be spelled in the first place. Done with my rant now.
A contest entry
- something about one of your loved one's you care for by strawberry26.
130 points, ended April 22, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Loss of a Loved One by hiGh-on-happYness.
637 points, ended December 21, 2007, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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...one of the most sad summers...
"most sad" is an incorrect phrase - it should be "saddest".
It wasnt all for him, mind you, Aunt Anette was coming as well.
In "wasnt" you forgot the apostrophe (wasn't). Also, the comma after "you" should be a semicolon ( ; ).
June fourth was a rainy day. The kind of day you usually get a lot of severe weather on. There were some tornados in the area, but thank God none of them hit us. We got a call from Grandma at 3. Grandpa had 24 hours left. I was shocked! He had been fine just a couple months ago. Two days ago they gave him a year! Now he only had 24 hours!
In the first sentence, after the word "day", it shouldn't be a separate sentence. Instead, it should be like this:
June fourth was a rainy day - the kind of day you usually get a lot of severe weather on.
Also, the word "tornados" is spelled wrong; it should be "tornadoes".
The whole 24 hours thing... they wouldn't know that exactly, but they might say he had about a day or two to live.
Another thing: there is an extreme over-usage of exclamation points. Not all sentences need to be that emphasized.
...while I thought of al the memories.
By "al" I believe you meant "all".
...remember Uncle Phillip, Grandpa's brother, saying, "Its sad that it takes a death to bring the family together".
Your grandfather's brother would be your great-uncle, not your uncles.
The quotation should go like this:
...saying, "It's sad that it takes a death to bring the family together."
As for my personal feeling in this - I think it really lacks emotion. By not being more detailed, it was more like a "this happened and I'm sad" kind of story - very blunt and to the point. I believe more detail would have given more emotion... It is an extremely short story, which takes away from the feel. It's not the greatest. There was no description of any of the characters really, nor was there much of a working plot.
You have two days to edit all grammar and spelling mistakes I pointed out.
Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck.
<333
Lily
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 1, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 1.
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wow i use to be like this with my grandpa but now i'm not anymore you showed alot off emotion in this thanks for sharing this
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Thanks! I appreciate it!
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It is very nice that you have memories, and very nice that in passing, your grandfather left something with you (the get-togethers and memories).
There are a few things that I might suggest as you prepare for the contest to be judged: Contractions are not usually used in narrative, but if you use them, you need the apostrophe (wasn't in place of wasnt). The other suggestion I would make is that I believe the sentence that begins: "We got a call from Grandma ... " should begin a new paragraph.
This is a very enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing it, and keep writing. Good luck in the contest. -
This is a very sad but at the same time inspiring story. I do believe however that you stated what happened as an explanation moe than a story. I think you should have expanded on it by going into detail about the past fun experiences with your grandpa. When you mentioned the tornadoes you said "thank God none hir us" but I think that the incorporation of the tornadoes should have some clever wording or else be omitted completely as they have little relevance. Maybe something like comparing your emotions or your grandpa's condition to the tornadoes. Keep penning.
Much Love
Arielle Giselle
The One and Only -
This message is so very true.. but another lesson from death is that.. you dont know what kinds of love you lost.. untill you actually lost it.. My grandmas and mine relationship.. was.. well, you could say it was a little on the bad side.. I would always not want to go to her house when my family went.. would refuse her offers when she wanted me to spend the night.. But then i kinda started to love her.. After she had passed away.. I did not know what i truly lost untill she was gone.. and it made me cry all the time..
Its so amazing what death can do to humans.. -
breathtaking
first off....
CONGRADULATIONS ELISSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok.. got that out! jk but man! that's a wild story, i wasn't that close to my grandpa, he favored my cousin...but my grandma, she's an amazing woman and i value our relationship immensely! I LOVE HER! woo! lol. you did a great job with this piece, wild way you turned it around on me..i was getting depressed! but you found the light in the dark and now your family has a renewed bond that won't fade because of the cost it took to build it THAT strong. i enjoyed this one!
see YOU in band!
o and while we're in the spirit...
HARRY G. NIGHTINGALE
*A caring father, an amazing grandfather, a loving husband, a dedicated Christian, but more than anything...an inspiring man.*
Edited on Mar 30, 5:38 p.m. because ''. -
Thank you for choosing my piece as the winner! I actually thot it wasnt that good, but i guess i was wrong! Thank you sooo much!
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wow you could turn something so sad into something so cool!!maybe god has his reasons!!!you deserved to get the gold you worked so hard!!!
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thank you soo much!
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It's beautiful. It's a great story about how you can find something good in something aweful.
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i no i said that i wasnt comment on the entries i had a very similiar incident with my grandpa dying in 2000 he was my mom's mom's second husband but i was always closer with him. I considered him my real grandpa because my real grandpa wasnt at all there for my family and it was hard when he died because i was only left with my real grandpa who i have annimosity towards because his indisgressions and other habits he did that screwed my family
that was an amazing entry
thanx for entering my contest
sry to ne1 else who is offended by me commenting on this story
IM SO SORRY FOR UR LOSS MY GRANDPA DIED ON JAN. 21, 2000 one year before my bar mitzvah and there are several things he missed and will miss because he is dead
DAVID SNITZER 1922-2000
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