Viva La Vida

I stepped out of the house where I was living with one other man. He and I hardly spoke. He was an artist, I a doctor. Today marked the third month of my employment with the Toledo branch of University Hospital. Six months ago I was finishing up my residency in Cleveland and moving out of my single apartment. Six months ago I attempted to leave all the memories of the past year and a half. 1

“Milo, dear, good-morning.” The elderly next-door lady called from her spot on her front porch. In the short time I’d been here she’d taken to me like I was her own son, which wouldn’t be so bad if I actually enjoyed being close to people. I liked her though. She reminded me of my own grandma, who was now dead. I don’t remember her that much, but I do remember how she was always cooking or baking something. The house always smelled good and my grandpa, he always was sitting in the corner of the kitchen, playing the eight track tapes, with all the old sounds that they knew so well. 2

“Morning, Mrs. Hart.” I called back over to her with a wave. I didn’t have time to talk; I had to get to the hospital to start my shift. 3

Reaching into my pocket I took out a set of keys. There weren’t many on the ring, my house key, car key, and a couple keys to cabinets in the hospital, including my locker. I smiled a little as I thought of my locker. Being from Cleveland meant knowing the Browns, or so everybody up here thought. I’m not a football fan, never have been, chances are never will be. It doesn’t matter to the guys I work with, especially since my locker holds a Browns hat. The hat was given to me right before I left, so I wouldn’t forget where I came from. Toledo was closer south, meaning more people here were Bangles fans. They tease me for my ‘love’ of the Browns; truth is I could care less. Only sport I pay an inkling of attention to, is baseball and then I do like the Indians, they’re what I grew up with. I don’t watch them religiously though. I only really ask about them when I see them playing or something on the TV when I pass it.4

I pulled out of the driveway. The sun had risen about a half hour before I had walked out of the house. People asked me why I lived so far away and also why I lived with someone I barely talked to. They didn’t understand and I didn’t expect them to. 5

When I was in Cleveland, I didn’t have a car for a while, I walked every day to do my residency, that or my best friend would come and get me if I asked him to. Half the time it was because he just felt like coming by and getting me. Either way I never drove myself to work. 6

Now I chose to. Driving meant time to myself, time to think over whatever I wanted, which was usually what was on the agenda for the day and hoping no one would die under my care. Most times I tried not to the think of the past, to keep to the present and the future. I’d been so hurt in the past. It wasn’t because of a girl or anything like that; it was because of family and what certain family did to my friends and myself. At the time people would think that I only felt friendship toward Luke, my best friend, the man who could understand me and accept me. It wasn’t true though. Caitlin and Jess had been my friends too. I never treated them as such and each and every day I regret that. 7

Jess was just always so quiet and I know I was always too harsh on her. She was the sweetest of all of us. Many times she would go to the maternity ward or the children’s wing, hoping to just help the little ones or the soon to be mothers. Sometimes I wasn’t sure she should be there, exposed to all that hurt and anguish, but she dealt with it. Now that I think about it, she was probably stronger than me. Now she’s dead because I’d been an idiot, I’d tried to do what was ethically impossible, I’d tried to play God and raise the dead. Why, because I thought I could stop what had killed my brother, from killing anyone else. You see though, that monster that I’d thought killed him, was him. He never died, he’d lied to all those who cared about him. Then twelve years later he’d come back and killed two people who meant so much to me. I wanted to leave him and his memory behind, to leave Caitlin; because just seeing her brought it all back and I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle pretending to be the strong one all the time. 8

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. This was the reason I didn’t think of the past, it became too much sometimes. 9

I saw the sign for the hospital and pulled into the parking lot. It was still early, so thankfully the lot was still fairly empty, that meant nothing though. Sometimes it could fill up with people who were visiting or worried about their health, I saw a lot of hypochondriacs here, I tried to be nice, but sometimes it got hard. There was one girl, she’s about nineteen, I see her a lot. The other doctors tease me and say she’s got a crush on me, maybe, but so what.10

“Vermodi, exam room 3.” Conner Wesley said, coming into the locker room. I threw my scrub shirt on over my undershirt and looked up at him.11

“Why?”12

“Just because I told you to, you need any other reason?” so this is why I came here every day was it, to get bossed around by this guy and to get handed the crappiest cases there were. 13

“Fine, you have a file I can look at?” with a snide grin he handed me a file folder. Sighing I stepped past him. I read the file as I walked to the room. The woman was twenty-eight, she claimed to have stomach pains. Blood had been taken and nothing had been found wrong. She’d insisted for a doctor. Usually when the nutties came in, I was sent after them. Either they figured that because I was the new guy I had to be treated horribly or they actually hated me. I have yet to figure out the reason. 14

I stopped in my tracks as I looked into the room. There she was her hair was cut shorter than I remembered it, but I knew the side of her face. I’d seen it enough to know it. Swallowing and taking a deep breath I stepped inside. She looked up at me. Her blue eyes were duller than I remembered, they didn’t hold the fire or spark that I saw so many times. 15

“Caitlin?” I questioned, looking at her. I pulled a stool over and sat on it. The file in my hand was set aside.16

“Milo, I need you.” Talk about phrases to knock the breath out of you.17

“You need me?” Caitlin was one of the few people I knew who never needed anyone.18

“They won’t leave me alone, Luke and Jess. Every night they’re there. They drive me insane.” Doing something I’d probably never do again or in the near future, I took her hand. 19

“Caitlin, Jess and Luke are dead. They can’t talk to you.”20

“I see them though.” I sighed and looked her in the eye.21

“Do they say things to you?” I asked, not sure I wanted the answer. She shook her head.22

“They usually just stand there and look at me. Milo, am I crazy?” I was wondering the same thing, but I knew to not say that aloud. 23

“How long have you been seeing them?” I asked, once again unsure on whether or not I wanted the answer. 24

“Since the funeral.”25

“Are you on anything?” she once again shook her head no. 26

“Nothing.”27

“I’m going to prescribe anti-depressants. Caitlin, be careful with them, I can’t lose you too.”28

“I’m crazy aren’t I?” She said with a small laugh.29

“I think your imagination conjured up the images of Jess and Luke, you aren’t crazy.” She looked me in the eye and for the first time since I’d come in, there was something other than the dullness, there was hope. 30

“Thanks, Milo.” I wrote up a prescription for the anti-depressants and walked her to the hospital’s exit. We exchanged numbers. I wanted to be there for her. After everything after I’d left her to forget, I realized now I needed to be there for her. 31

“Getting involved with patients, Vermodi?” Connor said coming up behind me as Caitlin left.32

“Shut up, Connor.” I said as I pushed past him. 33

“Better be careful, don’t want Michaels to find out.” Michaels was our boss and Connor was always kissing up to him. It got on my nerves.34

“And how would he find out, Connor?” I asked snidely, staring straight at him. 35

“You’d be surprised at how he finds things out.” I gave him a look and left. He was one of the many people I had to deal with at this hospital. I had to stay here though, I couldn’t move, not again. I needed something new and this was new.36

For the past six months I’ve done the same thing day in, day out. I get up early and leave late. My roommate sees me very little. I don’t care about that though, it means not getting close and not worrying about being hurt if anything ever happens to him. I know I need my own place, but most of my money goes to gas and to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. I’m saving up though and one of these days I will live alone.37

Some people call me House because of my cold shoulder. It’s just who I am. I care about my patients; sometimes it just gets hard seeing the people who normally don’t have something really wrong with them. I got into medicine to help people and sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m doing that.38

By the time my shift had ended and I’d made sure everything was done that needed to be done; I was tired. 39

“Dude, she’s lonely.” I jumped at the sound of Luke’s voice. I was in the driver seat of my car and when I looked over he was sitting there, acting as if it were normal. 40

“Luke, you’re dead.” I told him. 41

“Yeah, and your point is?”42

“You shouldn’t be here.”43

“I’m not, well not really.” I gave him a confused look.44

“Dude, you’re asleep.”45

“You’re telling me I’m dreaming?”46

“Got that right.”47

“But, I’m in my car.”48

“In your head, yes.”49

“Why are you here?”50

“Because Caitlin’s lonely and she needs someone.”51

“I know, but she’s in Cleveland, I think, and I’m here in Toledo. She has my number, so if she wants to talk.”52

“She sees us though, that’s not normal.”53

“She’s just having a hard time, that’s all.”54

“So the great Milo is sticking up for Caitlin, huh?”55

“Shut up, Luke. You didn’t see two friends die and then leave the third one behind because of the pain they caused just by being there.”56

“So you’ll let her in then?”57

“I don’t know. Last person I let get close died.”58

“Yeah, but dude, you can’t shut everyone out, you’ll die a very lonely man. Don’t be House.” I rolled my eyes at this. 59

“I’m not House, I’m me. I just don’t want to be hurt again, that’s all.”60

“No one does.” I didn’t say anything.61

“What you need to do is get your own apartment and get out. The artist you live with, kinda creepy.”62

“He’s an artist.”63

“He plays classical music and paints dark paintings, he’s creepy. I’m afraid he’s gonna decide to up and kill you one day.”64

“He is not.”65

“We’ll see.”66

“Can I wake up now, I’m done talking.”67

“I guess. But dude, don’t die lonely and under the hand of your roommate.” Once again I rolled my eyes at him.68

“Bye, Luke.”69

I slowly opened my eyes. Something hard was against my cheek. Sitting up, I realized I’d fallen asleep doing paperwork, again. Maybe Luke was right, maybe I needed to let people in, but it’s so hard. I knew that half the staff was out enjoying one another’s company or the company of someone they cared about, I wasn’t though. I was staying later than I needed to, finishing up paperwork that wasn’t technically due for a week.70

Wiping my eyes and letting lose a yawn I stood up. The paperwork would get finished in the morning. I needed to get home and sleep. I grabbed my keys and walked out of there. My thoughts were going a mile a minute, leaving me feeling confused. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t like that. I’m in control of my world, or I want to be. Sometimes it doesn’t work that way.71

Coldplay came on the radio; most times I ignored the music, it was just background noise keeping me awake on both legs of the journey. Viva La Vida, I think was the name of the song, whatever the name the words seemed to portray my messed up life. One day I was on top. The doctor at my residency had appointed me a kind of leader of our small group of residence. I took a couple of them and we tried to create life. Then as time went on it fell apart. Now I’m the lowly, new doctor who lives in a rundown apartment, in a house, with a starving artist. The people around me know nothing of my past all they know is I’m new and I stand off from them. I do what I’m told and nothing else, I’m a nobody, but that’s ok, no one needs to notice me. One day maybe I’ll let someone in, but not yet, not now. It’s all too fresh.72