Sweet Dreams [Pt 1]

"I love you babe."1

Ugh. How many times do I have to hear it? How many times do I have to repeat it, faking feeling, like everything else? If I were a radio, I'd be on perpetual repeat without a single shuffle or any new songs. You'd know the tune of things by the first few minutes. 2

Somehow he didn't realize that he was listening to repeats. Somehow every single "I love you" was geniune to his ears just like they were from his lips. Even if there were gaps between songs, somehow he never caught it. It all sounded the same to him. 3

Don't get me wrong though. It's not that I didn't feel guilty for these things I said. I sure as hell did. But he had already been through so much in his life and I knew he needed me, just like a part of me needed him. What part that was I had yet to know, but it was there, tucked away very far from sight. 4

We had been together for a year and a half. For teenagers, that felt like a lifetime. We met by our friends, who, coincidently, were going out with eachother. My friend Katelyn with his friend Beau, both the most unlikely pair, spawned us upon eachother. We both had our own failing relationship, his for his reason, and mine for my reason. 5

His girlfriend's mother hated him and so they rarely ever saw eachother. My boyfriend was out of school and had a job, and so he barely had the time to be with me. His girlfriend wouldn't put out for him. I didn't want to put out for my boyfriend. For these strange reasons, we fit together. 6

When we first met, neither of us were too shy. We were both willing to cheat on our current flings to schedule in this one. Though we didn't do anything that first day but get to know one another. He had lots of stories and I had lots of responses, and we both had lots in common. That day it seemed we were meant to be more of friends than lovers. 7

But as the days went by and we spent more time together, it steadily grew to attraction. One day, we kissed, and for some reason or another, it felt right. It felt right even if what we were doing was wrong. Sooner or later our current flings became past flings and we became the current. 8

For months we were happy together. I was in love, he was in love, and love was just lovely. It seemed all things were right in the world. But with love came jealousy and ours was feverish. Neither of us could trust the other due to how we came about and maybe it was right that we heed the warnings. 9

Our jealousy morphed into suspicion and eventually it caused us to take stabs at eachother bitterly. He refused to let me see my friends because they were guys and wanted to see me everyday. I felt suffocated. 10

And so a year and a half went by and so did my love for him. Why his love didn't die with mine confused me. Though it confused me more that mine had been the one to die. He was sweet to me and I knew his overprotection stemmed from his love, yet somehow I couldn't make myself love him. 11

He did any thing a girl would wish for; He never once cheated [That I knew of anyways], he called me just to talk, he always wanted to hold my hand, he told me his feelings, talked about his day, and said he didn't want anyone else in the world. What was so wrong with this that I couldn't love it? What was so wrong with me? 12

My eyes wandered from his when we were together. My hands grabbed away when his grabbed towards. I made up excuses when I didn't want to talk, which steadily grew to be more and more. Was it my fault that my love had sprung a leak? What had he done that was so bad that I couldn't love him? 13

I felt so wrong being with him when I knew my feelings were draining away. His seemed to blossom all the time. The more time he spent with me the more he needed and the more time I spent with him the more I didn't. Oh how the guilt pierced my heart. 14

I'm sure somewhere along the way he noticed. He saw how my eyes strayed and heard how my words faltered. Did he ignore it or did he hope it was something else that plagued me? 15

How do you tell someone you don't love them anymore?16

This person who loves you dearly with every ounce of their soul who would give anything for you. 17

How can you kill that? How could you live with yourself? 18

I assure you I couldn't live with myself; me, a murderer on two sides. 19

Oh what are sweet dreams made of anyways?