FLAMES part 2

Chapter 21

*It’ll be O.K. I’m here. Remember, you are the wolf. A Wolf-Witch. A Moon Maiden. A daughter of the Goddess. A strong, original, warrior. The She-Wolfs daughter.2

Never give up, always fight, I try to feel your pain and I often do… hurting yourself won’t solve anything. Use your inner strength, willpower and my soul to heal your pain.3

Just remember: "I will wipe away your tears...4

That mingle with my own,5

To end your despair.." *6

I awoke to the feeling of my head vibrating. My phone was ringing but on silent underneath my pillow. I answered it sleepily.7

“Ye?”8

“Hi. How are you holding up?” the voice on the end of the phone was the same as the one in my dream. My best friend. My only friend.9

“I’m a little crap at the moment. I just had a dream about that poem you wrote me.” I told him the truth.10

“O you mean; ‘I will wipe away you tears that mingle with my own’.” He guessed.11

“Yes.”12

“Cool. Do you want to meet up and talk?”13

“Yes please. Wait…” I checked the time. 3:00. I sighed. “OK see you in 10.” I failed to keep the tiredness out of my reply.14

“Are you sure…?”15

“Yes.” I cut him off. I needed to do this. “ See ya Rob.” I hung up.16

I climbed out of bed, got up and shrugged on my clothes. Black strap top, black jeans, wristband.17

I put my lighter in my jeans pocket, and my phone and blade in my bag with my CD player. I sneaked out of the house without waking anyone. Even the rabbit lay silently sleeping. Or so I thought.18

I walked to the end of my road, turned my music up to FULL, and ran to the stream.19

Avril Lavigne. Why did I have this music? Because I was desperate. The lyrics related to my life. 20

“All I do is hide… All the pain I thought I knew… I can’t handle this confusion… I feel like I am all alone.”21

Rob was sitting on a bench by the stream. He got up when he heard my music and looked around. I was still on the other side of the road and didn’t see him until he started running towards me. He hugged me tightly and all I could do was stand there hugging back. We parted and walked along the river side by side. I could hear Simple Plan- Shut Up from his CD player. We didn’t talk until we got to the Tree House. He had heard about it and Laura and I had shown it to him once, but he had been blindfolded. This time I just walked silently towards it. My body automatically steered me through the familiar landmarks of trees, fences, and bushes.22

Once in the tree house we both turned off our music and sat parallel so we could see each other properly.23

“Sup?” he was the first one to break the silence. The birds were still asleep. The moon shone brightly upon his face. I could feel it surrounding me too. The moon was shining on us both. Pagans in the moonlight. The moon’s silent rays protecting us and keep us safe from the feelings of abandonment we were both feeling. Keeping us sane. She was the reason we were alive. She was our life. Our Goddess.24

“Be my rock I’ll be your river.” I repeated to myself. I didn’t realise Rob was listening. But I wasn’t really surprised when he replied.25

“I’m your rock. You give me happiness. I give you strength. I will never fall.” He said. “I will help you… my soul will. Nothing can stop me or you, remember that!!! Please...I don’t want you hurting.”26

I told him all about the incident with Laura and his eyes fill with tears. A tear fell to the floor and I was taken in. 27

“I’ve broken his heart. He hates to see me in pain. Same as when he last cried to me. I cried because he broke my heart. Just seeing him go through pain hurt me.” I thought to myself.28

“You don’t need pain to make you strong...I am going without anything to believe in right now.................. I don’t have anything to live for...but I do. I have people I have just met: their souls and their advice. I have always had strength...but not happiness... you gave me that...you don’t hurt me. You couldn’t. I'll listen to you. You aren't insane anyway, I can tell.”29

Rob always had a way of cheering me up. I smiled and we hugged under the stars that shone through the window.30

Suddenly the moonlight stopped abruptly. Rob and I parted. He jumped to his feet and pulled out his penknife. At the same time I swiftly moved into a crouched position and pulled out my lighter. I growled like a wolf. Rob growled quietly so only I could hear it. His animal spirit was coming alive in him as mine was. I had always thought he was the bear. Soft and gentle, yet fierce and strong. I was the wolf. Silent and strong mentally, yet preferring to lay low and growl instead of fight. I was a teacher not a fighter.31

The person covering the moonlight was startled for a second but then opened it’s hands like wings and made a sound like an eagle. I flicked my lighter and it screamed. A hawk-like scream of pain and terror. A war cry like no other.32

I recognised the falcon soul and flicked off my lighter. I crept up to Rob and growled lightly. He crouched and I whispered in his ear. 33

“It’s Laura. Stop.”34

He immediately pushed the blade back into his pocket and went and sat in the corner of the room. He sat down and put on his music before I could even move. Laura remained in her falcon state and stood there holding onto the ladder. 35

“What is HE doing here?” she spat pointing at Rob who appeared oblivious to her accusation.36

“Helping me. Why should you care?” I gave her the evils and she looked offended for just a second. Then she threw herself at me. I ran across the room on all fours and saw her land on her hands and feet where I had been crouched split-seconds before. The entire building shook as she landed.37

“You bitch!” She hurled abuse at me, never stopping to take a breath.38

She repeatedly tried to grab me and in the end held Rob up to the wall with her sharp nails digging into his throat. 39

“NO! Leave him outta this! He never did anything to you! You anorexic loner!” It was a lame insult but I knew it cut her deep. I threw myself at her and bit her arm hard. Then I grabbed both her arms and twisted, throwing her at the wall. She fell to the floor screaming and then went silent. I could hear her breathing and knew she would wake within minutes. Rob seemed fine. It was as if nothing had happened. But his head was bowed and he wasn’t moving. I grabbed his belongings and my stuff and threw them out of the door so that they fell to the ground. I knelt down and lifted Rob’s head. He stared at me with his black empty eyes. His soul was gone and his eyes were like obsidian. I could see my own reflection in them for they were empty. I could hear him breathing though. I pushed him over to the door. I tried everything. Lifting, carrying, rolling. In the end we reached the opening Laura had climbed in through. The clouds parted and he awoke. As if in a daze he looked around and then at the moon.40

“I’ll wipe away the tears, that mingle with my own. I’ll listen to you…” he whispered.41

I hugged him and we slowly climbed down the ladder and walked back to the stream.42

We walked along holding hands and enjoyed the moonlight. My mind kept racing back to Laura. Was she OK? What had happened to her? That certainly wasn’t the voices. How could I have hurt yet ANOTHER person? Maybe Rob was right. Maybe I had BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder. It would explain a lot. The cutting, the abandonment, the loss of identity, and the pain I felt every day. I just wish everything would be how it used to be. 43

I remember the last time I was truly happy. Rob and Laura were my two true friends. My only friends. But that was fine. We loved each other as brother and sisters.44

Laura, Rob and I were in year 2. It was the last day of year two and we were in the playground. We were pretending we were spies. What had happened? I had dwelled on the past. The bullying, the fight Laura and Rob had had.  I had to choose between them. Rob and Laura. I couldn’t. And that was the first time I had tried to kill myself.45

That had been the last time I had ever felt true happiness. Now I doubted that I would ever fell it again. 46

Would I ever feel it again?47