Not God, Just Me

I jerk awake, my heart racing. Where am I? I stare up at shadowed rafters, hung with gray cobwebs and lit by dancing orange light. I'm lying on something cold and hard--a table? Not far away, I hear voices, speaking quietly in strange accents, and I try to make out what they're saying, but it's too indistinct.1

"Naeven, she's awake." I jump and turn my head, the room spinning for a moment and making me want to vomit. Sitting on the edge of the table beside me is a young man with short golden brown hair and rich, rust-brown eyes, his tanned face marred by a network of old scars.2

"Lark," I whisper, and his eyes grow wide. He looks past me and I turn my head as Naeven steps over to the table, a scowl darkening his pale eyes.3

"Do you know where you are?" Naeven asks, reaching out and helping me sit up. I glance around the room, at the shelves of old books, the crystal chandeliers glowing overhead without a visible source of light.4

"The library," I say.5

"Well, I'm convinced," says a third man's voice, and I draw a sharp breath as Jan Besteth steps out from behind one of the freestanding shelves, his arms crossed over his chest, and scours me with his eyes. I pick at the front of my pajama top and feel my face flush. "Clearly, she's a god." He walks closer and I can't take my eyes off of him. He's beautiful, his milk-white skin smooth as silk, his silver-green hair falling in a curtain to his waist, his green eyes bright as new leaves, delicate as a flower--"What, do I have something in my teeth?" he asks, and I quickly look away.6

"Knock it off, Jan," Naeven says, stepping between me and the Green Mage. "I asked the wrong question. What can you tell me about this place?"7

"I--I--" I glance over my shoulder at Lark, and then back at him. "Well, everything." Jan makes a disparaging sound in his throat and I frown. This is just like me--the first dream I have about my characters and they're making fun of me. "I know that down the hall from the library is the bath, and beyond that the ballroom. Across the hall are the gates to Bokik Osha, Kray Glen, and--" I stop before I say the last one. No one's supposed to know where it leads. I glance up at Naeven and he looks relieved. "And down the main hall is the magic shop. We're on the southwest side of Traxen Peak, in a castle that that fucker Jaguan built--"8

"All right, that's enough," Naeven says, his normally golden face taking on a paler, ashen tint. "Do you know what my given name was?"9

"Arik Taren."10

"What was my brother's name?" Lark asks.11

"Kasren."12

"And what was my father's name?" Jan asks with a smirk.13

"I don't know," I say, "and neither do you. You were raised by your mothers on a sheep ranch." His smirk vanishes. "Is it okay if I ask a question now?" Naeven gestures for me to go ahead. "What did he mean, saying I was a god? I'm not a god."14

"I told you," Jan says to Naeven. He steps over and leans against the table beside me, and my heart flutters in my chest. "You see, my dear, Naeven got it into his hollow head that he could open a world gate into heaven and thus meet his creator. Instead, he pulled you out of your bedroom and wasted my afternoon."15

"Okay, so she's not a god, but how does she know so much about us?" Naeven asks.16

"Simple," Jan says. "She's a mind reader."17

"I'm not a mind reader," I say. "I'm a writer." They all three stare at me. "You know, I write books, stories ... you guys are my characters. I ... I created you ..." I look up at Naeven. He opened a world gate to find his creator ... and got me instead. How disappointing. "I'm sorry I'm not a god ... Can I go home now?"18

"Not just yet," Naeven says. "I want to make sure I have this straight. You write stories ... about us?" I nod. "And you decide what's going to happen to us, you make things happen ... because you want to, because it's fun--was it fun to kill my wife? Was it fun to have Lark raped and beaten--"19

"No," I say, shaking my head as tears sting my eyes, "no, that's not--I--I wasn't--I love you guys--"20

"You sure got a funny way of showing it," Jan says. I look from him to Naeven, to Lark, all of them watching me with cold, angry eyes. Suddenly, I'm angry, too.21

"You assholes!" I say. "You wouldn't even exist if it weren't for me. And--and I've done nice things for you, too!" They exchange dubious glances. "You--" I point at Jan. "--I gave you Vaelen. Naeven, tell me you're not happier now than you have ever been. And Lark ... I hurt you the most, but don't you understand--if you hadn't been abused and traumatized, Naeven would have had you in his bed by the end of the week and then he would have forgotten about you." Lark looks past me at Naeven, and I can tell that he knows I'm right. "He needed time to fall in love with you--you both needed time--but now that you're together--you'll be happier with him than you ever could have been if you hadn't been made a slave."22

"So that's how the story ends?" Naeven asks. "Everyone lives happily ever after?"23

"Yes ..." I say. Almost everyone.24

"Well, I suppose we can't stay mad at you, then," he says. "Come, I'll take you back to your world." He offers me his hand.25

"Wait," I say. "Can't I stay a bit longer? I--I'd like to meet some of the others."26

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt," Naeven says, "but you should be careful. If anything happened to you, I'm not sure what would happen to us." He frowns and runs the tip of his index finger along his lower lip.27

"I'll go with her," Lark says suddenly, and we both turn to look at him. "I need to speak with Rayne anyway."28

"I suppose that will be all right," Naeven says and then glances over at Jan. "You're still here?"29

"I was just leaving," he says, and steps over to me. I jump as he takes my hand and presses his lips to the back of it, his bright green eyes never leaving mine. I feel my face turn bright red. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Lady ... What is your name?"30

"Ka--Katica," I stammer.31

He smiles and my heart races. "Farewell, Lady Katica."32

"Oh, knock it off," Naeven says, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him away from me. I watch Jan cross the library and disappear into the hall. I sigh. "I apologize, Lady Katica, but ... well--" He laughs. "--you know how he is." I do. I made him that way.33

I give my head a shake and turn back to Naeven. "Don't worry about it," I say. "And it's just Katica." He nods.34

"I'll be in the tower when you're ready to return to your own world." Lark steps up beside me and he and Naeven exchange a kiss. "Take care of her."35

"I will." Lark turns to me as Naeven heads for the door. "Who did you want to see first?"36

"Oh ..." I bite the edge of my lip as I think. Rayne and Belaeden, of course, and Vaelen, and Calae, and-- "Lucifer," I say, suddenly breathless. Of all these characters, he is the oldest, recycled from one failed story to another.37

"This way," Lark says and offers me his arm. Though I could find my way in the dark, he leads me down the hall and out into the courtyard. I pause in the stable doorway and breathe deep, the sweet scent of hay, the musky odor of large beasts, tickling my nose. It's wonderful. 38

"Hey there, Lucifer," Lark says, and I turn as the little red and black stallion steps up to his stall door. For a moment, I can't breathe, tears stinging my eyes. He's more beautiful than I ever imagined. "Lucifer, this ... Katica. She's a friend." He reaches out and places his hand on Lucifer's neck. Contact is how he hears the vampire horse's thoughts. "He says hello," Lark relays with a crooked grin. I start to raise my hand, to touch that velvet soft nose that I've been writing about for almost ten years, but I hesitate.39

"Is it okay?" I ask. Lark nods, but it's Lucifer who stretches out his neck and pushes his nose into my palm. His skin is cool, but so soft. Before I can stop myself, I step closer and lay my cheek against his. "I love you so much," I whisper. He nickers softly and I feel Lark place his hand on my shoulder.40

"He'd like you to let go of his face," he says. I pull back, blushing again.41

"Sorry, I--I just ... I've dreamed about you for so long ..."42

"I'll explain later," Lark says, scratching Lucifer behind the jaw before motioning for me to follow him out of the stable. I cast a longing look over my shoulder at the blood bay vampire stallion as I step out into the sunlight. "That's going to be an interesting conversation," Lark says, heading for the main gate. "He asked who you were."43

"I'm sorry," I say. "I'm causing trouble."44

He shakes his head. "No, it's no trouble--" he starts, but suddenly frowns. "What are you still doing here?" He's looking past me. I turn, my gut twisting up into a cold, trembling ball at the sight of Jan Besteth leaning against the castle wall, absently playing with his hair.45

"Waiting for you," Jan says, and walks toward us. "I decided to go down and visit Vaelen, and I thought I might walk with you."46

Lark glances at me, and then back at Jan. "Not this time," he says. "I don't think Katica likes you, and I know I don't like you."47

Jan laughs. "How could not like me? She made me." I shudder, heat rushing to my face, as his voice caresses me like a hand. My characters are using voice tricks on me. Great.48

"It's fine," I say. "He can come. Let's just go." I stride across the uneven plateau of stone toward the head of the trail. We don't say much on the walk down the mountain, mostly because I can't breathe. Short legs. As we enter the village, I slow, the crisp sea breeze cooling the sweat on my face. I breathe deep. I've always loved that smell.49

We walk down main street, drawing some curious looks. Maybe I should have asked to change out of my poison dart frog pajamas first. We pass the inn and the village well, the magistrates office and the blacksmith's shop. It's all so familiar. I turn and step toward the general store, but stop as the door opens and a woman and two men step outside.50

"Calae," I whisper. "Rayne and Bel--I mean, Belaeden."51

Lark grins and takes my arm, leading me over to them. "Hello Calae," he says with a slight nod to the young woman. "Hi guys. This is my friend, Katica."52

"Hello," Calae says with a smile, then she turns to Lark. "How are you? Sactaren's not being too horrible, I hope." Lark's smile thins a little. He hates having to pretend that Naeven is evil and cruel. Something touches my leg and I jump, but it's just Rayne.53

"Sorry," he says with a grin. "Nice pants--frogs, right? I'm Rayne." He holds out his hand and I shake it. "This is Bel." Belaeden keeps his arms crossed over his chest, but I'm not offended. "So, how do you know Lark?"54

"Oh," I say. "Um ... I've known him for a long time."55

"Really? I don't think he's ever mentioned you, but then, we don't get to visit much--I run the store here, me and Bel--and it's a long walk up the mountain--See you later, Calae." He waves and I glance over my shoulder as Calae heads back up the street. "Hey, Lark, I've been needing to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?"56

"I need to talk to you, too." He turns to me. "Do you mind waiting? This shouldn't take long."57

"Nonsense," Jan says suddenly. "I'll take her down to meet Vaelen. I know you'd rather avoid him, anyway."58

"Good idea," Lark says, sounding relieved. "Take care of her."59

"Oh, you know I will," Jan says with a smirk and I feel like I can't breathe. This can't be happening. He leads me out onto the beach and to the door of a crappy little shack. Without bothering to knock, he pushes the door open and steps inside, holding the door open for me to follow. The entire shack is barely larger than my bedroom, and slivers of sunlight shine in through the cracks in the walls. "Vaelen, are you still in bed?" Jan says, stepping over to the lump in the blankets. Vaelen groans and pulls the quilt over his head. Jan glances over at me and grins. "We had a long night."60

"Well, in that case, I think we--" Jan steps toward me and I draw back.61

"Are you afraid of me?" he asks, his eyes burning like green flames.62

"Afraid--No! I'm not afraid."63

"Then why are you trembling?" I swallow hard as he stops in front of me, less than a breath separating us. "Katica, could you possibly be ... attracted to me?"64

I try to laugh, but it sound more like the yelp of a kicked dog. "Don't--don't be ridiculous. You're--you're a--a character in my book--"65

"So? You made me. Who says you didn't make me to be the perfect man?" He leans toward me, his lips hovering over mine.66

"You're just toying with me," I whisper.67

"Why would I do that?" he replies. "Isn't it possible that I want to thank you for my creation, and maybe ensure that Vaelen and I get our happy ending?" He kisses me, the taste of nectar on his lips, and then draws back with a smile. "Well?" My head feels full of cotton, my heart racing. I should just walk away, but I can't bring myself to move. I want him so bad. I always have.68

"Yes." The word is out of my mouth before I realize that I've spoken. Jan grins and takes my hands, leading me to the bed. "What about Vaelen?"69

"Oh, he'll wake up," Jan says, and wraps his arms around me. His lips melt against mine and I let my eyes slide close. I'm going to owe them a very happy ending.