My Freshman Year

I hated air planes, especially when I had to sit next to my stupid older Christian extremist sister. No one understood why she and I didn’t really get along; they thought that it was the gender difference. I knew better though. You see my family is biracial. How did that happen? Well I guess you better ask my parents about that one. My mom is from the United States of America, while my dad, as well as I am, is from Germany. I don’t know the whole story, but basically he was serving in the German military because his parents were huge hardcore into the government. my dad being huge into the punk underground at the time, his parents didn’t approve and wanted their son to be something that’s not going to be in jail for the rest of his life. This is where he found my “wonderful” mother. Apparently she was touring with some group of friends or her family in Germany when she met my dad. Of course her parents didn’t approve of the Nazi-like person because for all they know he could be a punk that didn’t care for governments of any sort. (Boy they were right). Basically in the end they fell in love and didn’t live so happily ever after. They ended up with an emotionally and mentally imbalanced eldest daughter and a gothic son that just wants to be left alone. My life was far from peachy, and this is where my story begins…in America.1

“MOTHER, why can’t I go to the mall with my friends?” my sister searched at noon after she spent 3 hours (or more) on her hair and what not.2

My mother sighed, “You harassed your brother about his religion, though which I do agree is wrong on his part, you should still respect his choices.”3

This was typical in my house, my sister would bitch and complain about me not being “normal” and wanting to have a real brother. My mother would “punish” her by saying something she can’t do, but she did it anyways. My father would just sit there and sigh, and try his best to ignore the constant annoyances of the women of the house. While all this went on I woke up to the typical screaming and whining of my older sister, Lacy. Oh what fun she is to be around…4

“Could you keep the screaming down to a low volume? I think the dead can hear you from half across the world!” I walked down the stairs in my typical bedroom attire, no shirt, boxers hanging out of my PJ pants and no socks on.5

My mother rolled her eyes at me, “the least you could do is put a shirt on Nikkei!”6

My father sighed, “Dear, he’s only a young teenager. He could give a shit less about authority at his age.”7

It was true though. I could give a shit less about authority, well my mother’s at least. I can remember some unwritten rule in my house, my mother tried to deal with my sister’s constant whining. My father dealt with me, which I’d rather get his punishments than my mothers. My mom spanks us, well my sister, while my dad gives us the “talk of doom” as my sister calls it. My house is really divided between parenting styles, race, and biggest of all religion. My mother and sister are the Americans and therefore they are born and raised Christians. My dad and I on the other hand are both German and are agnostic. Trust me the religious debates around here are pretty hellish… especially when my mom gets out her family bible and tries to preach to my German grandparents. Oh well such as life I guess.8

The last few days of summer I’ve had to adjust to my new country and get used to having a room that isn’t the size of a closet. The best part was I GOT MY OWN BATHROOM! I decorated it how I wanted and typical me, I left the original paint color, which was red to begin with, and picked out black towels, wash cloths, and what not. So I was a happy little Goth boy. Unfortunately I knew that the “bliss” would end all too soon. I’d have to go to an American high school, and on top of that I was in grade 9, my freshman year of high school. I had all but one friend in America, Seth Mays. Before his dad went missing in action a few years ago, his dad was stationed in Germany and worked alongside with my dad. I met my first American before I knew how much different we both were. You see, Seth is black or “African-American” for those politically correct pricks out the there. I’m white as ivory keys on a grand piano. We kept in touch through our lives online and through actual snail mail, and he was over excited to have me in the states for good this time. I guess it wouldn’t be so hard, but I still miss my gothic friends at my old school. Oh well I guess things happen for a reason, well in my case, because my mom wanted to be back home and to make my life hell.9

“Nikkei, go take a shower, eat and then we’ll go school shopping for what you will need for high school, okay?” my father spoke to me in German as he always did.10

I nodded and did what I was told. He knew how much I missed my homeland and I think he missed it too. I felt good that I had an advantage above most American kids, I can play that I don’t know the language. The truth was, I knew perfect English in my head, I just can’t speak it that well. Why? Well hello, I’m German and have lived in Germany my whole life! Of course I can’t speak English worth a shit, but it’s a good thing Seth knows a lot of German. I have a feeling he’s going to be translating for me the whole freshman year and into my senior year of high school. Man that would have to suck; his best friend can’t speak on full sentence of English. Yeah, I can already tell high school is going to really be a pain in my side as well as my mother’s. After all, I’m nothing but trouble according to her words.11

My dad took me to get a new wardrobe for school, along with the help of Seth and his grandmother, who is also my god mother. I had heard about Hot Topic in my homeland, in fact we made fun of it. In Germany, we had a lot of places to choose from when it came to gothic clothing, but we had to wear uniforms during school hours. It suited me just fine, it kept my clothing looking better than it ever did and no one really picked on me. In German schools, everyone was equal when it came to dress codes. Yeah we did have the popular people and all that good stuff. The thing is we never actually got harassed all that much inside of school, but I guess uniforms were the cause of that. Apparently America didn’t get this memo and forced the freaks of society to be picked on from the time they were put in primary school or what you may call Kindergarten. I guess this whole new culture is something I’m going to HAVE to get used to if I like it or not.12

“Nikkei,” Seth spoke to me in normal but slow English “you never been inside a Hot Topic have you?”13

I shook my head no, because well I haven’t. I suddenly started to think that I wearing my gothic skirt in public was a huge mistake suddenly. I had long hair that was half way down my back, of course dyed black, a black tank top that my snuck past my mother while she wasn’t looking, and my favorite skirt that I wore all the time in Germany. Yes I did have on typical gothic make up too. I looked like I didn’t belong in America, of which I don’t; I belong in Germany with my friends.14

I saw my American Goth friend look me over once and shake his head, chuckling, “you know you’re going to get beat up in high school like that. Why give the people the impression of you being a transvestite now? You’ll never live it down. I’m not trying to be mean Nikkei, but I’m just telling the truth.”15

I ran my hands through my hair; it was obvious that I wasn’t a girl because people could see I had a flat chest. Unfortunately, I’m just as slender as an American girl and that might be a problem. Although hitting 5’3 at 13 aren’t so bad, but being just a little over 100 lbs in weight; I’m going to have one hell of a year.16

“Oh Seth dear, stop picking on the poor boy,” Ms. Mays, Seth’s grandmother, scolded her grandson “he and his father are new to the country and he’s just scared as a 13 year old boy can be so far away from what he knows and loves. Stop torturing the poor dear.”17

My father laughs a little, “Sahara, my son’s more vocal than you think, just give him time to settle into his new environment and you’ll see.” 18

“We shall see my dear Jason. We shall see.” Ms. Mays said as we approached hot topic in the mall.19

I looked at the store and I was in shock. How could something be so horrible?! I’ve never seen something that was so fake in my entire life, and to show my unlike for American Goth fashion I spoke up and rather loudly. Unfortunately, I had no choice in the matter anymore. My clothing was too “foreign” for school to start off in.20

“What sort of shit is this? I’ve never seen so many mall Goths in my entire 13 years of living!” I said in broken English and I spoke it rather loudly.21

The manager of the store heard me, and walked over to me as I entered the store. Yeah I can tell I was in trouble, and I knew I wasn’t going to come out of it unscathed. German Goths, at least my group, didn’t provoke fights (only with each other) with outsiders and nobody bothered to pick fights with us. American Goths and Americans in general, love to pick fights with anyone and everyone even if it is their own kind.22

“so you think you know you know everything kid,” the manager who looked to be a little too old to be working there and wore circa 1990s American Goth attire challenged me, “I’ve been Gothic for a long time, longer than you have been alive probably. I don’t need some snobby brat telling me what is unreal and what is real. In America this is the store to be in if you want anything weird and anti-government!”23

My father snickered a bit at the manager’s comments, “please excuse my son. You see we’re both from Germany and he’s used to having a lot more choices in what he wears on a daily basis.”24

I sighed and tried to keep my temper into check. I knew this person was stuck in the 1990s just by the way he wore his clothes. I’m sorry but you can’t fool a European Goth, even as young as I was. I’m sure some people try to fool people like me. Hell, I may not know how to speak English worth a shit, but I can understand you perfectly. I’m German, not a stupid moron like most in this wasteland country.25

The manager looked a little pale, even through the white makeup, as if he just insulted Gothic royalty or something. “Oh I’m so terribly sorry! I did not know that you two were from another country, please forgive me. I’m so used to have some punk kid telling me what I need to do and not to do in this store over the years that I get a little touchy with comments.”26

I roll my eyes going past the manager and the employees of which seemed amused by my little comment and to see the façade of their stoic manager broken for once. Besides if I wanted something really scary or anti-government, I’d just have to draw the swastika on my hand. Yeah, that would get some people scared for their lives, plus since I’m German and it says my permanent residents’ card it would only add to the fear.27

Seth laughed at me, “Shit Nikkei you’ve only been in the states for maybe a few weeks and you are already causing trouble. Plus you won against the hardest manager to win over in the mall. No one has ever done that I don’t think.” 28

I looked away from some TRIPP pants that I knew would look horrible on me and at him with my matter-of-fact face, “In my country Goths, young or old, respect one another. Punks also respect us Goths, and that’s how it should be. It shouldn’t matter if I said something that dismissed their clothes in a bad manor. They should’ve just ignored it, and went on with their lives. It goes to show how weak their character really is.”29

“Well damn Nikkei,” Seth laughs nervously. “If I ever get into a verbal fight, remind me to drag you into it.”30

I chuckled a bit; I knew that Seth was just trying to relieve the tension in the room. I think it worked for some people thought, but for some, knowing that there was a European Goth around them was just enough to make them leave the store apparently. Well I think they were posers anyways, and that’s a good thing. I would’ve won the argument with their stupid selves and my words of what I saw around me.31

“What is that?” I spoke up after awhile of just looking around. I saw a picture of the favorite American show Family Guy for the first time in my life. 32

Seth looked at me like I was crazy, “you mean they didn’t have this show in Germany?! It’s only the best cartoon around!”33

As he gave the whole plot and background of this strange and badly drawn show, I stared off into space thinking about what my friends back in Germany were doing. I’m sure they were listening to VNV nation or E Nomine, and enjoying it. Sigh, I wish I was there with them listening to the bands I love. I knew my emotions were showing on my face suddenly because my usual emotionless face showed sadness and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. My best and only friend in this strange country now noticed. SHIT!34

“Hey Nikkei,” I heard him say with concern in his voice, “you okay man?”35

The next thing I know I’m backing out of the store all together and running out of that store. I knew my dad was hoping that I wouldn’t have breakdown, but I couldn’t help it. Everything I knew and loved was stolen from me; at least I thought it was at the time. I eventually found a men’s bathroom and leaned against a stall wall with a locked door, with my eyeliner and tears mixing together down my face. I was careful not to make a sobbing noise because I knew that would bring trouble to me in a heartbeat, but the physically shaking part I couldn’t help. I wanted to go home; I wanted to go back to Germany, and most of all I wanted to be in the arms of my boyfriend, Armand. He would always know what to do when I’m like this, and he’d take care of me. Seth didn’t know I’m Bisexual, and he surely didn’t know that I was dating a guy. I know he would go crazy if he found out. All I wanted and cared about was being with Armand at that point and time.36

I heard Seth come in and say. I knew if he caught me like this, I would have to spill everything. I didn’t want anyone to know about my secret. Suddenly I heard someone trying to open the stall door I was in, and I froze like a deer in headlights.37

“Come on dude I know your there,” he said, confirming my fears, “I don’t know any other guy that would pull of wearing a skirt in public and not get beaten up within the first three seconds of being outside. Dude, come on, and open the damn stall. I know you don’t have to piss so don’t even bother with that excuse. Please Nick tell me what’s going on.”38

I sighed and took a breath, knowing that he would have to find out sometime. Why not now? I unlatched the door and let it swing open, but I still leaned against the stall door not looking at him.39

Seth’s expression went from pissed off at me from suddenly taking off to sad, “Come on Nikkei what’s eating at you dude?” 40

I felt the damn break of my emotions and the sobbing started I kept repeating “I miss him okay?!” was the only thing I said. Seth looked a bit confused. 41

“Dude calm down,” Seth grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him “Who is “him”?”42

I miss him very much. He saw me off on the plane several months ago, and that was the last time I saw him. Yeah we still talk and what not but it’s not the same as actually touching him, kissing him, and hugging him. Okay? I’m a bisexual, and I miss my boyfriend! Happy now that you know what’s wrong with me!” I slid down to my knees, my body shaking violently with sobs.43

“Nikkei, I never knew that you had someone back in Germany,” Seth sighs but his tone gets firm, “It shouldn’t matter what you had back in your homeland. The thing now is your in America and you are NOT going to be able to go back to see your boyfriend Armand.”44

I knew that it was the obvious fact, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I had no smart ass remark, no counter lecture, nothing. I was coming to the realization that I’m stuck in some shit whole country without my lover and it sucked. I knew Seth didn’t mean to it sound or even be mean in anyway, but in my heart, it didn’t want to admit it. Now it had to and it hurt so damn much to know that I have a high possibility of losing my boyfriend if I hadn’t already. I hated to admit that Seth was right.45

I suddenly felt someone hug me and then a gentle hand stroking my back. I knew instantly I was my dad, and I knew that he knew what had happened. The only reaction I had was to crawl into his embrace and bawl my eyes out. It was the only thing I could think of doing. I didn’t care who saw me or heard me; I was in pain.46

“I didn’t know that Nikkei was Bisexual.” I heard Seth say in amazement after I had settled down and regained my composure the best I could.47

My father sighs a little and nods, “Yes he is Seth, but please don’t let his secret get out okay? I have no idea what they would do to my poor boy.”48

Once we got out of the bathroom and I had gotten my entire running make up off of my face and reapplied it. Well, okay my dad reapplied it for me because I was still a little shaky. We were greeted by an impatient Sahara Mays, her hands on her hips and tapping her foot. I thought she was listening to the crappy mall music at first, but then I realized that I just might get another lecture.49

“Nikkei what had gotten into you?” Ms. Mays scolded.50

I looked away, knowing that I was in for an ear-full of how to act in public. I always got the lecture from my mother in the middle of the most public and embarrassing places, right in front of my idiotic sister, Lacy.51

Instead of what I was expecting, she did the opposite; she shook her head and smiled a bit. “I know you aren’t used to America sweetheart. In our customs, well at least mine, running off like that shows that you’re ashamed of something or you’re hiding something. Going by your glassy eyes, I say you’ve been crying Nicolas.”52

I looked at her completely stunned, “You mean you aren’t going to raise your voice at me or whatever you want to do to embarrass me?” It was all I could say.53

My dad gave a sort of guilty look as if to signal that his mother did that to him quite often and to my dad as well. My sister was the one that got the “nice” treatment in the family because she supposed to be mentally unstable and quite violent when provoked. I think my sister fakes it all because I’m the one with the serious mental health problems. You see, I was born with anxiety and while I am in therapy for it (my therapist is a quack who doesn’t know shit about how a guy’s mind works or how hard it is for me to ‘conform’ to American living) it doesn’t help me all that much. My mother is the source, most of the time, of me having a panic attack in public or my sister’s tantrums cause me to go into one of my emotional fits.54

“Nikkei dear, I could be like your mother and make a fool of myself, your father, Seth, and you but why do it? I have no reason to be angry at you. You felt threatened or you needed to be alone for a little bit. I don’t see any harm in that.” Ms. Mays said in a kind but stern tone. She gave a huge smile at me, and I knew she meant what she said.55

Eventually, much to my delight, we got out of the mall and headed back to our homes. Although, tonight I didn’t want to go home and listen to my mother saying how I’m going to hell or I’m a bad child. I wanted to stay with Mrs. Mays, my god grandmother and continue to feel good about myself. I enjoyed the fact that she did take my anxiety into consideration, but she didn’t treat me any differently than she would Seth. My mother won’t even take my emotions or what I think into consideration before she starts blasting her bullshit all over everything and placing blame on my German friends for being a bad influence on me. I know it’s bad to say that I never wanted to go home but my family’s house was as divided into styles as a war zone. I’m surprised World War III didn’t start at the dinner table most of the time, though I’m sure it came close. Well my wish of not wanting to go home right away was granted, though not in the way I wanted. My mom kicked me out, along with my dad, for about a week. He and I had about 6 hours to pack for as long as she stayed mad. 56

“My goodness Jason!” an elderly black woman gasped at her door.57

My father sighed as he stood on the Mays’ front doorstep with me behind him, clutching a pillow. I knew it was embarrassing for him to come to his best friend’s mother’s house while he was away on duty in some war and not on good terms.58

“Ms. Sahara, please I’m begging you at least take Nikkei in for awhile,” Dad sounded like he was about to cry, and I was not too far behind him. I wanted my own room and bed, not someone else’s.59

“Well I can’t just leave you out in the cold neither,” Ms. Mays argued a bit with my dad, “but I can’t just turn both of you away. Oh alright, if you two don’t mind sharing a queen size bed in the guest room I guess I could keep you two here until that good for nothing wife of yours comes to her senses. Heaven forbid that her only son were to need his mother while she kicked you two out.”60

Seth was happy to have a “slumber party” as my dad put it. I guess it wouldn’t be so bothersome, and I don’t mind sharing a bed or a bathroom with my dad. I’m just glad I don’t have the fear of being woken up by my sister screaming at some image in her head or her wetting the bed. Now I know why my dad put acoustic tiling in my room before my mother could reject to it, at least I couldn’t hear the total noise of my sister’s wailings.61

A few months later, school was just starting in less than a week. My anxiety was to a whole new level than it normally was, and it wasn’t good for me. My mother knew it too, and she took extra care as to try to make one happen it seemed like. She would pick up on the smallest of things, like my make up not being absolutely perfect or my pant legs would drag on the floor. Her most favorite was when my sister and I got into fights; she’d always blame it on me. You know what though, I think my mother hates men and she doesn’t want to admit she’s gay. “Homosexuality goes against her religion, and there for it’s a sin.” that might be another thing; she could secretly know or sense that I’m bisexual and she takes it as being gay or something. I don’t know. The one thing I do know is she enjoys torturing the holy hell out of me while I’m at home, even when I’m not doing anything that might even provoke the slightest of evil thoughts in her fucked up head that she has.62

My school orientation is today. I’m not looking forward to it at all, but at least my dad will be there. I know Seth is going too, and he said that he’s got some people for me to meet. I just hope that t hey isn’t preps. My usual morning went on as it usually did, my sister woke me up screaming that she had no bras and she needed some sort of pad or whatever because she had started her period. I showered in my dad’s room, yes my parents slept in separate rooms. I got dressed and went on about my day until the time for me to go arrived. The time I had been dreading had come I was going to an actual AMERICAN high school in my freshman year. I had a feeling that it would be the four years of hell, and I didn’t know if I would commit suicide before I graduated or if I would even get out alive the first day of high school. It was all up to the stupid Americans now to make sure that the German kid didn’t get hurt too bad. After all for all they know I could be a Nazi waiting to get them and eat their babies.63

On the day of my first day of school, I stood there horrified at all of the people there. Seth was with me and I was so thankful for the gods with that one small blessing. Even though I now had on the famous mall Goth clothing of TRIPP pants and black clothing. My newly dyed hair, black of course, stood out like a sore thumb. My features and stance alone was different than the average American gothic wannabe, and I knew intimidated the other freaks as they were called at Crawford High School. 64

“Hey there Seth, what's up?” I heard a punk looking American came up to Seth and it was so warmly said.65

“Hey there Alex the Punk,” Seth greeted the punk back, apparently they were friends, “you mean that your parents actually let you out of the house to school dressed like that?”66

The boy smirked and snickered, “who said I went home last night? I stayed at Sophie’s house last night. Her parents weren’t home and apparently they went to some sort of catholic camp for adults. She says they went to the church to find new ways to torture her.”67

Suddenly the punk turned his attention to me and looked at me with the usual “what the fuck is this guy” look. I was used to it by now from other people in town, but this was a whole new environment for me. Suddenly I found myself wanting to shrink back in a hole and wanted my sweet and beloved Armand with me at my side. He got right in my face, and I took a step back. I don’t know what it was about him but in my group getting in someone’s face meant no respect and you wanted to fight.68

“What’s with this guy? He acts like he’s never seen another American before.” The guy named Alex snorted.69

“I’m German you idiot, and of course I’ve many seen Americans my age! I’ve only been in this country for a few months and stayed home most of the time.” I shot back in best English as I could but it sounded really bad with my ever present German accent lingering in my words.70

The punk named Alex got angered by my outburst, and I saw him visible tense up and raise his fist at me. This was never the behavior back in my country with punks; they always left us Goths alone so I had very limited contact with them other than my dad. I took another step back into something soft, and I knew I was a goner.71

“Alex calm down,” a girl with blue hair and dressed in Gothic Lolita clothing warned, “despite the fact that I’m sure his parents bought him the clothing from Hot Topic to fit in, it’s quite obvious that he’s not of the American roots of Goth. The bloodline or his aura is a lot truer to the roots of the subculture. So Alex in other words, he’s a true Goth and I would take a time out before you do something you regret. I don’t know what sort of methods they use for fighting in Europe but I’m sure they are a lot more thought through than yours.”72

The punk relaxed and realized that the Gothic Lolita girl was correct, that I wasn’t from here and it was visible. I didn’t know what to think of the two new people. I have never in my life seen more than one American at a time, well I lay, none that are my age and weren’t visiting touring the countryside of Germany. I enjoyed mocking them in my own language, but now I’m starting to regret I did that with my friends back home.73

“Oh hey guys ease off the guy,” I head Seth said glaring at the two, “this is Nikkei, and yes he’s not from here. The guy’s not even from this country, so please be nice to him. The guy is already having a rough time, and I’m sure you all know he won’t get a break from the Barbie dolls and ken dolls around here the best thing you two can do is watch out for him okay?”74

“Does he even speak proper English? I mean if he just got here I highly doubt he knows any English.” Alex snorted.75

“I can understand you perfectly,” I spoke up somewhat quietly but they could still hear me, “I can’t speak English that well because I never had to speak it before now.”76

“I’m Sophia, also known as Sophie. I’m the one that no one messes with around here because they are afraid that I may cast a spell on them.” The Gothic Lolita girl named Sophie spoke up.77

“You already know my name, Nikkei its Alex,” he smirks a bit “Alex the punk if you want to get technical.”78

I nodded to say I understood and what not, though I let a German worded thought slip from my mouth. Its not like anyone would understand it, well Seth would but that’s not the point.79

‘What did he just say?” Alex looked at me suspiciously.80

Seth snickered, “he said in German ‘I think he should be renamed Alex the dork.’ Sorry Alex, but I got to agree with Nikkei on that one; you can be a huge dork at times.”81

Sophie laughed, Seth snickered, Alex was defending his title (with no chance of winning us over), and I smirked. This was going to be an interesting day. I was happy to have met two new people that I knew were going to become my best friends here, but I can’t help but miss the one that really meant the most to me. I guess the sadness showed a bit, because they looked at me odd but never said anything. I guess they figured that I was missing my home, and they were right if they did think that.82

The first bell rang and I had this sinking feeling like in every class they were going to MAKE me stand up in front of the class because I was new. Well at least that’s what they did in the anime series I watched, and I think I started to become really nervous for the first time that day. I knew I was not going to come out without some battle scars. I sighed as did the group I had been instantly accepted into, signaling that this was going to be a bitchy day.83

“WELCOME BACK FROM SUMMER CLASS!” this teacher whom none of us knew bellowed all too happily.84

The class groaned and some threw paper balls at the board. I knew they didn’t want to be here as much as I did. I let my mind wonder as she got her stuff together, apparently she wasn’t ready for school either, and tried to get the class back into order. Tapping on her desk caught my attention at least, though I’m not sure if the snobby brats across from me got the memo. I think they were too busy trying to figure out who the hell I was and what I was.85

She puts on a fake smile and walks to the center the board, “welcome to Crawford High School freshman! Now I know you that you know that you are new to the whole high school scene and are still unsure of yourselves. I want to put your fears to rest that no one will try to harm you and if they do report them. I’m sure you know all of that though. Some of you have been together since you were small, some from other cities, and even from other countries whatever the case may be you are in this whole experience together.”86

She drowned on about typical school rules and what not, respecting each other, and other stuff that she knew no one would follow. Seth was with me though, because I “needed” a translator by school policy. I understood English perfectly, but I couldn’t speak it well enough for strangers to understand me. It was going to be embarrassing if I called out in my native language instead of this foreign crap I was being forced to learn. I wonder what my beloved Armand was doing right now. He’s probably sleeping because it’s still dark in Germany or probably getting drunk with our friends. Who knows at this point, the only thing I know is that I haven’t heard from him in almost two weeks online or though the phone. It was starting to worry me a bit.87

“Nikkei she’s going to start calling roll, come out of your day dreaming state and pay attention okay?” Seth jolted me from my spacey state of mine and back into reality. Sometimes I wish he’d leave me be sometimes when I was missing my old life.88

“Okay Seth.” I mumbled in broken English, half asleep but half awake.89

She called out roll loud as she could apparently as if she had some sort of hearing problem. Instead of my old homeroom at my old school at home, which was by last name and not randomized like this school’s homeroom, it was odd going from being the first in the V’s to going almost last. It was a change I was expecting and really liked, but I can’t stand the stupid snobs staring at me, and for once I wish I had a uniform again to wear to school. Yeah I was going to have to get used to this crappy way of being treated during school.90

After awhile she got to my name and had trouble pronouncing it, and once again the American tongue butchers my noble name. Thank you American English, yeah not really.91

“Nicolas Von Neich?” she spoke out, mispronouncing my last name like I expected.92

“My name is pronounced von Nacht.” I looked up at her and growled a bit in German, showing my displeasure with her.93

The teacher looked at me confused, “come again, I didn’t understand you. It sounded like you spoke another language for a moment there. Some of the kids snickered some at me and some at the teacher for being so obliviously stupid to the obvious.94

I rolled my eyes. This teacher was not the brightest, and I hope that rest of my teacher’s weren’t as dumb as she appeared to be. If they were I was going to be extremely bored for my high school career or at least my freshman year. I saw Seth go to open his mouth for me but I stopped him, I needed to clear this up myself.95

“My last name is pronounced Von Nacht and yes it is pronounced that way,” I spoke in the best English I could, and sighing again as I saw the confusion on her face once more, “I’m the student that recently moved to this country from Germany. I’m assuming that they informed you, at least that is what the headmaster told my father.”96

As if the light bulb in her head FINALLY got turned on, she panicked a little, “oh I’m so sorry Nicolas! I didn’t realize that you were that person, I mean we were informed that a foreign student was coming to CHS but no one knew who would get you in their classes.”97

Some of the snobs looked at me if I were some sort of anti-Christ suddenly. I knew what was coming, the racist Nazi jokes and I hated every damn one of them. I’m not a Nazi I don’t even have any Nazis in my family or in my bloodline. My family is of royalty in the olden days. My family was the knights that would go out at night and do the king’s bidding. You know the Japanese ninja that you see all the time, like the animes Naurto or Ninja Scrolls, we did that but we were called (in English) Vampire Knights because we’d hunt our killing targets in the dead of night for the king we served under. The one thing I was dreading but almost expecting was to be called up there and to give what my life was like in Germany, which is I’m assuming to promote “tolerance of other cultures”. Yeah that’s a load of bullshit for you right there.98

“Please Nicolas tell us about you country and how your liking America so far.” She smiled and scooted over to allow me space at the front of the room.99

Yep I was right, she wanted me to do the one thing I’m dreading. The one thing she doesn’t know is that I’m going to throw her a curve ball and its going to ruin the students’ plans to embarrass me. I have nothing against the teacher, other than she’s really not that bright, but the students I wouldn’t trust with my life for a moment.100

“It’s just like here but in another part of the world and different customs.” I said as well as I could in English, leaving me some-what self conscience about my horrid English. I heard a few snickers and some comments, but I blocked them out the best I could.101

The teacher again looked lost and smiled again, “I’m sure you’d love to share your experiences of American culture with us, Nicolas. There has to be something you enjoy here that you like.”102

It seems she was giving me no choice but to respond so I resorted to the classic “I suck at speaking English” act and I shrugged my shoulders. Seth knew that I knew I could carry on a conversation in English if wanted, it would be a bit mispronounced with some words but you could still make out what I was saying for the most part. The woman looked like she was a bad stand up comic waiting for someone to pull her offstage with one of those cane things. The mental image is funny, but it wouldn’t be such a good idea to share it with the whole class.103

“If you like I’ll translate for you, Nikkei.” Seth leaned over and whispered to me. I responded with a nod and told him in German.104

“Mrs. Adams,” Seth spoke up and looked at her saying, “Nikkei, or Nicolas as you call him, told me to tell you that he’s not really great at speaking English but he enjoys the unlimited channels that you have on TV and that’s about it. Also to say that the fast food places, aren’t really that great as people said in my hometown in Germany, who visited America.”105

Some of the students snickered and some were completely offended at my statement. I didn’t really care which, because it was true. Fast food was really nasty and I’d rather take a homemade meal from my grandmother or father any day. They didn’t have to know that though, and they weren’t going to. The teacher looked like she had been beaten at her own game, which I didn’t think she knew that she was playing. The poor woman was at a loss for words and didn’t know what to say next. She eventually let the class talk among themselves for the rest of the class period.106

Eventually I had gotten through most of the day unharmed for the most part. In world history, the teacher attempted to try to get me to speak about my country but I shrugged my shoulders signaling that I didn’t know English or didn’t know how to speak it. Math was a breeze for me because she basically put me with a German speaking teacher’s aid to help me with the English reading. (I forgot to mention I can’t read English, I only know it from a verbal point). The poor English teacher that had me, Miss. Beck, she was of the same blood I was, but she knew nothing about how to speak it. She spent most of her period trying to track down a German English book for me to read from. She asked if I knew how to speak English and translate it for myself for the most part I did, but still some words and phrases get lost in translations. Even she knew that. The rest of the teachers didn’t care or were used to having foreign students in their class I was happy about that.107

The students on the other hand I know that they were not happy with me getting most of their attention, especially the popular snobby brats. They cornered me once or twice and demanded me to go back to the Nazi camp I came from, I cussed them out in my own language, and left them to go look up the words in the school library for the rest of the day. The people who I like to call the people who try to “expand” their cultural horizons would ask me a few questions, they slowed down their speech patterns so I could understand them and process what they were saying, and it wasn’t so bad. Overall the day was fairly fun and I enjoyed more than I thought I did. Unfortunately lunch came around and that started the homesickness all over again for me, and it visibly showed this time around my new friends and fellow allies against the Preps United.108

I sat down at a table, which later would be ours for the next four years, with Alex, Seth and Sophia. I knew they were going to ask questions about my day and how it was going thought I didn’t want to talk to them or anyone right then; I just wanted to go home to my boyfriend. Seth knew about Armand but the others didn’t. I also intended to keep it that way for as long as I could. I also had nothing to eat because my mother decided that I didn’t need to eat or whatever. I could hear my stomach growling though, and I hated it when I did that. Attention that’s what any sort of sentence, noise or movement got me and I hated every moment of it.109

“Hey Nikkei, you didn’t get anything to eat?” Alex looked over at me confused and said.110

I shook my head at him. I knew if I spoke my voice would squeak and it’s not because of my puberty either. As Sophia was opening her mouth to say something, another girl came over. She looked to be a female version of Alex, but a lot more rebel looking. She appeared to be trouble by the standards I was born into.111

“Hey guys!” the girl punk piped happily.112

“Hey Lexis” Alex, Seth and Sophie said in unison.113

The girl now I found out whose name is Lexis turned her attention to me. I looked at her and she looked at me, great another person to ask questions. I’d have to answer them too and a whole discussion would start. Yeah been through that several times today, and I didn’t want to answer the same questions again.114

“So he’s the European Goth I keep hearing about,” she started up a snobby voice, “he doesn’t look to great you guys. Does he have some sort of international virus? Is he going to infect America and kill us all?”115

I was sitting next to a wall and Seth was sitting next to me on the picnic style table made out of metal. The other side of where I was at was Sophie and Alex eating some crap the school served. Lexis popped in between the two and happily sat down like she owned the table not even 3 seconds of her saying the comment of me killing America with some unknown virus. The thought made me chuckle a little but I instantly buried my face into my arms and my hair hiding the rest of my face. I knew what was going to come next.116

I felt Seth put a hand on my back and his weight shift and his voice full of concern saying, “Nikkei are you okay? What’s going on you going to be sick or something?”117

I did feel sick but not because of not eating anything that day it was more so of my homesickness getting the better of me of all the places I didn’t want to break down. I couldn’t respond right away, but my body language gave away everything. I was trying not to cry. I didn’t want to speak or let them see my face I didn’t want to see their disproval of a male showing emotion. Seth was sort of used to my public display of emotions, but Alex had no fucking idea of what to do nor did Sophia.118

“ARGH both of you are as useful as those jocks over there,” lexis scowled as she got up from her spot between Alex and Sophie and wedged (more like forced) herself between me and the wall. “Nikkei did you eat anything this morning?”119

“No I didn’t.” I whispered, my shaky voice betraying me once again and eluded to the idea that there was something more than just my empty stomach.120

Instead of laughing which I was expecting, she dropped the tough girl act and smiled at me and said, “Here I’ll share my lunch with you. Besides I’m sure that you’ll have to learn to force yourself to eat the crappy food that American high schools serve anyways.”121

The scent of food made my head take a peek at what was the smell and it was spaghetti, one of my semi-favorites. I took a peek at Lexis and she nodded as if to say I could have it. The other three smiled as I took a bite and did what any other student would do make a face at the horrible way it was prepared. It was a nasty taste that I was bound to get used to unfortunately. Lexis had to have been inside my mind otherwise she wouldn’t have been so nice to me that I’m sure of.122

“Nikkei,” Sophia said maternal instincts finally started kicking in, “we know something else is wrong because Seth’s face is full of worry. So spill the beans now or we’ll have to force it out of you one way or another.”123

Seth looked at me unsure of what to do, he already knew whom I was missing and I wish not to tell the others my bisexual secret. I looked at him and sighed, “I have someone back at home that I miss a lot okay? They mean the world to me, and I do them well I used to at least before I moved. Now, I’m not so sure with the relationship.”124

Alex smirked, “she didn’t fuck you before she left did her? That would really suck if she got pregnant with your kid while you were over here miles away.”125

“Actually I’m not dating a girl.” I muttered not looking at anyone but the table.126

“Oh crap,” Alex said, “don’t tell me your one of those guys that has a thing for animals! If you do that’s totally sick man.”127

I shook my head no and he seemed to relax, but I knew the question was going to come next. I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth.128

“So if you’re not dating a girl,” Sophie chimed in with a glare at Alex “and screwing animals so that means your gay?”129

I buried my face into my arms totally embarrassed, “you’re almost right.” 130

“Nikkei’s bisexual and his boyfriend lives in Germany still,” Seth spoke up finally, patting me on the back a bit, “he really misses his boyfriend, so go easy on him okay? Nikkei’s pretty emotional at times because of a rough home life, so he’s going to need some encouragement from not only me but you guys as well. I know your going to tease him, and that’s fine. Just be gentle with him okay?”131

I felt the tears come once again and I couldn’t help but let them come. I don’t care if I’m repeating myself over and over, but I really do miss my home. I miss my grandparents, the Goth night at the clubs, the school uniforms I used to wear, hell I missed EVERYTHING about Germany. I just wish I could go back just once to see everything and everyone I left behind. I could feel my tears coming and hear a choked out sob coming from myself. Right now all I wanted was not to be at home, not to be in Germany with my friends, but to be with people that understood the pain I’m in.132

“Oh shit,” Alex sort of freaked out “man, don’t cry here! I don’t care where you’re from but-“133

Lexis snapped back at Alex, “dude shut it okay? You came from across country with your folks in middle school. You acted the same damn way Nikkei is now.”134

Sophie snickered, “the only difference is Nikkei’s trying to be quiet about it while on the other hand Alex was just being way to loud and drawing attention to himself.”135

“Yeah, I remember that. He wanted his teddy bear named Fluff.” Seth teased. 136

I could tell the comments were to both make him shut up and to remind them that he once was feeling the way I am now. I eventually got over my crying fit and wiped all remaining make up, that I didn’t sweat off during the day, off onto my E Nomine hoodie. I sat there not looking at anyone still but they could tell I was happy to get it off my chest. I was silent for most of lunch after that.137

“Hey Nikkei,” Alex spoke up from the silence that had settled in, “you and your boyfriend, you didn’t ever, you know, have butt-sex did you?”138

The whole table groaned as I blush the deepest red anyone had ever seen on a pale German Goth before. Yep it was the question that I got every time I mentioned Armand.139

“NO I HAVEN’T!” I yelped in embarrassment unfortunately it was in German which embarrassed me more. I buried my face into my arms and let out an embarrass peep. Lexis, Seth, Alex, and Sophie started laughing at me, and I was smiling because it was sort of funny. I knew they didn’t understand what I had said, but judging by my actions I’m sure they assumed I hadn’t had sex with my boyfriend or anyone. Yes, I am a virgin and I’m proud; though I just don’t want to openly admit it to people in public.140

“Come on man. We’re just playing with you.” Seth chuckled and rubbed my back. The bond we have is more than best friends, we’re like brothers. Its only natural I guess for him to feel a bit protective of me since I am two months younger than he is. Also he always stuck up for me when the other American kids would make fun of me while I was on base that the Germans and Americans shared. The clear difference between Seth and I, besides skin color and race, was I was raised to be open with my emotions while he was raised to hide them from the public eye. 141

The teasing went on and I got more and more embarrassed but I was smiling and laughing through it. The gay jokes or the Goth jokes weren’t to be mean, they were just playful. We were having our fun until some stupid teacher came over and ruined our fun.142

“Are you picking on the new student?” an old lady scolded, she apparently had a stick stuck up her ass and there was no chance of getting that thing out. It looked to be stuck, I don’t mean literally of course.143

Lexis was the first to speak up, “no Ma’am. We were making him feel welcome here. Can’t you see? He’s smiling and apparently he’s having fun. Well that was before you came over here, now he’s all quiet again.”144

“Yeah, he was fine until you came over here,” Alex spoke up next, “just leave the guy alone. He’s fitting in where he wants to fit in.”145

The older teacher scowled more, “the boy doesn’t know English at all from what I have heard and here you are speaking like you would as if he has spoken English all of his life. He has a verbal handicap.”146

I’ve had enough, and I was pissed. I looked directly at her and spoke English as well as I could, “just because I can’t speak English well and I sucks at it. I can’t understand them perfectly and I don’t need someone telling me that I’m verbally handicapped because I can’t speak English like I’ve lived here all of my life. I’VE ONLY LIVED HER FOR 4 MONTHS!!”147

I stormed off I couldn’t handle being judged like that, I was smart that I knew, I can’t help the fact that they wanted to label me a retard before I had a chance to prove myself. I went into the boys’ bathroom and locked myself in a stall, partly because I had to pee and partly I had embarrassed myself a bit with my outburst. I heard some guys come in looking for me, I shouted at them in German and they thought the Nazis are coming to get them. Seth was there with the guys, and he knew what I had said.148

“Nikkei, I won’t leave you alone and you aren’t okay dude.” Seth spoke up translating what I had said. Seth could understand what I had said, but he couldn’t speak German as well as English. It was kind of like the American version of me but not quite. Don’t follow? Well I can’t explain it very well.149

“I’m fine Seth; I just had to use the bathroom.” I growled from a stall.150

Alex comes in next, “dude, nice one! Though I think the principal wants to see all five of us.”151

I groaned and thought that this day couldn’t get any worse. Well I was wrong and into the depths of hell I went. I met Principal Gloria Maddox for the first time of many over the course of my high school years. She was old and by the looks of it, about to expire and any moment. She had that “AMERICAN DREAM” vibe, so yeah I’m fucked. Lucky me I had my German card with me; well I could always speak to her in German. When the five of us arrived there in the small, cramped, and stinking office, our parents were there and they weren’t happy by the looks of it. Wonderful, more bad karma coming my way and I brought visitors.152

Sophie had her over-religious parents scolding her and telling her how worthless she was. Alex had her drunken father yelling at him making a huge scene, and I could tell Alex was ashamed of his drunk for a parent, and his mother was trying to reason with his father. I’m sure that didn’t help things. Seth had his grandmother there looking less than happy about the trouble we were about to be in, and I knew she’d give him a lecture later. Lexis’s parents were alternative lifestyles like my dad and they were punk like him, so I’m not surprised that Lexis turned out to be the way she is. I saw my father there in his working (he works at Hot Topic) clothing, he looked about as outlandish as I do outside of school. I couldn’t help myself but run to him and cling onto him as a child would their mother.153

Mrs. Mays sighed “what happened to these kids to get all of them into trouble like this?”154

I didn’t want to talk because I knew I would let my temper show. So I did what and kid did, bury his head into his father’s chest not looking at anyone. My father looked a bit surprised at first, but shook his head wrapping his arms around me. He played with my long hair, as he spoke in German trying to find out what happened.155

Alex’s mother kicked Alex’s father out of the room and started to comfort the embarrassed, young punk. She looked at my father and I sort of confused, I could see her through my little peep whole starting at me.156

“excuse me sir,” Alex’s mother started, “do you speak English?”157

my father nodded chuckling a bit, “my name is Jason, and yes I do. The mother of my two children is American so I know a bit here and there.”158

“well then that makes it easier,” she said but her voice gave away she was curious, “I’m not sure of your customs in your country but I’m curious as to why your son ran up to you like you were his mother. I thought his mother would be coming here instead of you.”159

I tensed and my father felt me tense signaling to choose his words carefully. He sighed looked down at me, making me feel his gaze dig through my soul.160

“his mother and I have different styles in parenting. She takes care of my older daughter because she’s mentally needed and his mother is a therapist,” he takes a breath and exhales a bit trying to ease his own nerves, “Nikkei is my second child and it’s obvious that he’s not ‘normal’ as some would say. Also like his sister he has special needs, though unlike his sister who is mentally needy, he needs that stable relationship and support from me. You see, we live in divided home I guess you could say.”161

Alex’s mother knew instantly that my mother was an emotional abuser towards me and my father. Apparently, she and her own husband have the same relationship though the roles are reversed. Ironic how two different nationalities have one thing in common isn't it? 162

“well whatever the case is my daughter had nothing to do with it!” Sophie’s mother piped up.163

“why yes my wife is correct,” Sophie’s dad spoke up as well, “I don’t understand why she dresses like a demonic child and hangs out with bad influences. It’s a wonder why my wife and don’t pull her out and put her in catholic school for girls.”164

my dad snarls back, “well excuse me you idiotic American but have you ever thought for a moment that you daughter may be secretly telling you something!?”165

the tension in the room got thick, and I mean thick. There were two Germans against a whole room full of American people born in this country. My father’s hostility showed for the both of us, I could feel his grip tighten on me in a protective manner. I knew that my so called mother’s daily esteem depletes would get to my beloved father, and I was the direct target I’m sure.166

Mrs. Mays rolled her eyes and spoke up, “damn it you rich snobs, just because you own half the damned town doesn’t mean you can bully the new people in town. The Von Nachts’ are family friends of mine and my son was best friends with Jason long before they came to America. So zip your mouth shut and we’ll see what happened to make our kids get called up here for. Damn crackers always trying to start a fight.”167

The comments made everyone laugh, all but the snobs Sophie’s related to. It eased the tension in the room at least for the most part. I’m just glad that I don’t have to hear another bashing about Germany.168

The principal decided to talk to us all at once instead of individually, lucky for me she didn’t get to meet me directly that day, unlucky for my group because we called attention to ourselves collectively. Of course if it wasn’t for that damn teacher trying to “protect” me from the people that were making me feel like it belonged. Honestly, I don’t get Americans.169

“Tell me children,” the old windbag started up “exactly what happened to wind you five in my office only on the first day!”170

Seth was the first to speak up, “we were trying to make the new kid in school and in the country feel welcome. We weren’t doing any harm, he knew we were joking and he was having fun. I don’t see the huge deal. We were quiet and minding our own business, then some old teacher had to come over to ruin it.”171

Lexis spoke up next, “Nikkei was feeling down because he was missing his friends back in his home country and we were trying our best to make him feel better. We had some stupid teacher but in our fun. Nikkei was speaking English openly, smiling and laughing until the teacher came over and he clamed up again.”172

Miss. Maddox looked directly at me and I looked away from her. I can’t stand people like her; I didn’t want to be there or to even think about being near this place again. My father on the other hand looked directly at her with his hand stroking my long hair. I was by then sitting next to him as close as I could without being in his lap of course. He wanted to know why his son was being so babied when he doesn’t even go out of his way to baby me, even if I do have some self esteem issues.173

“Well Mr. Von Nacht,” miss. Gloria Maddox starts up, “it looks like your son is quite popular with the small ‘outcast’ population we have here. It’s not even his first week into school here, and he seems to be the local King of Darkness around here. I don’t tolerate people being so disrespectful and not looking at me directly in the eye when I’m talking about them.”174

My father sighed, “he’s new to the country, as am I, and we are learning the customs here slowly but surely. As far as my son is concerned, as long as these kids aren’t making fun of him because he’s different or because he’s German I don’t see a problem with him hanging around them. He’s going to get into trouble anyways because his way of thinking is different from yours, that I was expecting, but to baby him because he doesn’t speak English that well or at all in class I don’t agree with. My son is probably a lot smarter than you give him credit for I can assure you. I’ve seen the mentally handicapped people on my way here to the office and one of them was getting a diaper changed. I know you mentioned something about putting my son in remedial classes because he can’t read English well, I don’t think I’ll agree to that after what I’ve seen here today.”175

I thought the old bat was going to fall over in her old, worn out circa 1950 shoes. Apparently whatever my dad said, blew her away and probably pissed her off to a point. I don’t think she was used to being told “no” going by her reaction. If my dad says is true that I would be in a bunch of retard classes with a lot of idiots and morons, I would rather spend my day with my mother. I wouldn’t only be bored as hell but talked down to like a child as well; already I hated high school. It was as bad if not worse as my friends said it was before I left. 176

“well then,” the old bat gasped, “I guess we have nothing more to discuss. The kids get off this time, but in the future they won’t be so lucky.”177

As the week went on, all the freshman of Coco High (I’m sorry I mean Crawford High) the pecking order was being established. Jocks and cheerleaders (whores I call them) were at the top, preps and their minions were next, then came the normal people who were just there, the geeks and nerds were below them (otaku included), posers which includes the people who fake being from another country or another social group, then came my group the freaks which were only 5 of us usually, then the little scene kids with their crappy music. My group was all given little nicknames too. Alex was “Alex the Punk” because he was a trouble maker and his rep has followed him throughout his school life. Lexis was named “Little Killer” because apparently she almost killed prep back in middle school by beating her up so bad she was sent to the hospital. Seth was dubbed “Shadow” or “Black Shadow” due to him being black and being Gothic (yeah very original). Sophie or Sophia was dubbed “witch” or “little anti-Christ” because of her parents being Christian and her practicing magic. I was dubbed “bat boy” or “King of Darkness” because they thought I was the leader of the small group or probably because of the fact that I am from a purer brand of freaky people. The nicknames almost became a pet name for us, we didn’t mind them though. In fact their little plan to insult us with names backfired; it was a mini victory knowing we got under their skin.178

My house on the other hand was just as hell bound as ever. I hated to be home when my sister was there, she always started shit. Today was Sunday, to make matters worse; my mother wanted the WHOLE family to go down to the local church in town and to be one with “god”. What I wanted to do, spend the whole day at some stupid church with a bunch of losers who worship a book written by humans. Yeah, not my idea of a good time. Lacy wanted to go and she was going to make sure the males of the family were to go as well, even if she had to through a 3 year old fit. This girl was 16 years old, went to a special school for “mentally disabled children”, got every damn thing she wanted, and STILL acted like a kid. I’m surprised she doesn’t wear diapers, oh wait I lied she does because of her “bladder not working properly”. The bitch is just too lazy to get up from the computer chair to take a piss like a normal person would.179

“MOMMY IF I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH THAN NIKCOLAS DOES TOO!” my sister screeched at the top of her lungs.180

I rolled my eyes at her, “I don’t feel good today okay? I don’t feel like going.”181

My mother turned to me with wild eyes, “your sister has a bladder condition and she’s going in a diaper of all things! You are going even if you caught a cold from school young man.”182

“the boy has food poisoning Chris,” my dad said in a firm voice, “as his father, I say he doesn’t. I’m not going either if he’s sick; someone has to take care of the boy.”183

My mother threw up her hands in defeat, “fine then! I don’t want him puking all over my nice new car anyways. Let’s go Lacy”184

My sister whined about me not going the whole way out the door my mother getting mad. Hopefully my sister would get what I have from that crappy school of hers and get diarrhea so bad she HAS to go to school with it. (my sister’s school says you can’t miss a day or else you’re out unless the illness or whatever means hospital visits). My thoughts of revenge were cut short by me puking all over myself and the kitchen floor. Gods I hated being sick sometimes.185

My dad obviously grossed out tried to smile, “as if on cue, you lose your breakfast.”186

I looked up at him obviously embarrassed but smiled weakly, as if to say ‘sorry I didn’t mean to.’187

“go get yourself cleaned up while I clean this up, Nikkei. Mrs. Mays said she was going to come over to talk with me about something. Seth might come too, according to her, he’s sick from the school food too.” My dad chuckles a bit as he leaves the room. 188

Once I had gotten myself cleaned up and my morning shower out of the way. I was a pile of black silky pajama pants and an open black silky pajama shirt. My hair was braided back so I couldn’t get anymore vomit in it. I was a pitiful clump of a 13 year old Goth with food poisoning from the school’s nasty food on the living room sofa watching the huge amounts of crappy American TV shows, oh well at least they have BBC well BBC America. Suddenly the door bell rings, and my father goes to answer it.189

“Is your devil wife around or is it just the boys?” Mrs. Mays said as my father greeted her at the door.190

“both of them are at church,” my father chuckled as he later her in, “Nikkei is on the couch feeling pitiful.”191

She heard me groan as I just got done puking for the millionth time that day it seemed like. She smiled and shook her head, “Seth hasn’t had much of a problem with it. He just has the runs really bad, poor dear. By the sounds of it, little Nikkei isn’t used to the loads of fat that the school uses.”192

The sound of the word fat made me puke once again; I hated that greasy fat they used. I never ate it in my old school, and I surely wasn’t going to eat it here after I get over this crap. If I do that least, man I feel bad at this point and time right now. Ugh, I feel like shit right now.193

The two were talking about what happened to the group of my friends that Seth and I shared, how that it wasn’t right, or whatever. I’m just glad that part is over and at least for now I’m away from school. I didn’t how long they were talking for it probably was a few hours, but suddenly I felt my stomach clench and tighten really bad sending pain through my weakened body. Of course I let out a pitiful but vocal yelp, and it got their attention.194

“what’s wrong Nikkei?” my father instantly ran over to me full of concern.195

I mumbled, “my stomach hurts. It feels like I’m going to throw up again, but I have nothing left in my stomach.”196

Mrs. Mays walked over, “have you tried anything to soothe the boy’s hunger?”197

“he won’t keep anything down, Sahara. Trust me I’ve tried.” My father says sitting on the couch with my head in his lap, comforting me the best way he can.198

Mrs. Mays paces for a moment then she gets an idea. I hear her going into the kitchen and rummaging around for only the gods know what. She comes back with some weird remedy by the looks of it.199

“this used to work for Le Roy when he was a kid.” I heard her say.200

My father made a face and whined, “you mean that crap you gave Roy and I that one time when we were sick with the stomach flu?”201

She nodded and stuck it under my nose, and it smelled horrible. The smell was so bad that it sent me into dry heaving and eventually throwing up stomach acid.202

I groaned a bit, “I don’t care I just need something in my stomach.”203

After two days of not eating, my body was in survival mode apparently I couldn’t move on my own my dad had to literally hold my body so I could drink whatever Mrs. Mays had made. Whatever she put in it, it worked. Over the next few days I recovered I was well enough to go to school at least.204

Few months following me coming to America, I was starting to settle in with my life here. Armand and I had broken up after some stupid fight about me coming back. Yeah I was torn up over it but it was bound to happen. My friends here were great and I didn’t miss Germany so much anymore. My dad had bought me a web cam so I could stay in contact with my German friends overseas. My sister still had her bullshit fights with me and what not. The teachers soon found out that I didn’t answer them when I was to be read out so they never called upon me. My art teacher Mr. Thrust (no sexual pun intended) loved to have me in class, and he said that my culture was reflected in my art in some ways. I’m not sure if he means subculture, Germany, or a mixture of both but well I’m not going to try to dissect his compliments.205

One day in history class though, we were relearning (well for me at least) about World War II. We’ve had this class all freaking year so far and the history teacher, who I knew hated my guts, had avoided the topic until now. Everyone in class was at attention when the history teacher mentioned Nazi-Germany, and stared directly at me. I had picked the worst day to wear my German-born Gothic attire to school too. I was dressed in military style ankle boots (not platforms), a Gothic Male skirt (yes they are common in Europe), a black tank top with a fish net shirt over it, and a wrist band of Germany’s flag. My hair had been recently dyed black again and I was wearing it down for once instead of in a pony tail or a braid. Yes I was living up to my title “King of Darkness” today without even thinking about it. The teacher looked directly at me and walked up to me and stared.206

“so Nicolas,” he began “do you know why Germany created the Blitzkrieg to take over the world?”207

I looked at him, sighed and spoke up, “The lightening war was created by Hitler himself, the German people did not share in his ideals with such harsh violence, at least my family did not.”208

“HA! Your just another German who would think such a thing, they brainwashed you kid. In fact class, the Hitler brainwashed his whole country into thinking that they were superior and some say that trait is carried on in today’s German youth.” The teacher smirked at me as he circled the class room.209

The students were waiting for me to completely let go and hand his ass to him on a plate for them to laugh at. Trust me it was all to tempting to do, but I know it would only make my position more degrading for myself, my subculture, and my country. Man I really wanted to rip his pro-American ass a new one.210

I looked up him with a ‘don’t challenge me’ look and growled hinting at my annoyance, “You fought for what you believed in and at the time my Country fought for what the believed in. you would have done the same in my people’s situation, it was be shot for disobeying or to follow through with orders and hope for the best.”211

The students could feel the tension in the room and started whispering about what was taking on in the classroom. Some were taking bets on me getting into trouble again or the teacher would lose his job for whatever reason. Others were concerned about me as a person because they knew how I could be sometimes when it came to my nationality and pride for my country. There was a fine line between being proud for being a German and just being a complete douche bag about it. In my teacher’s case, he was being a complete douche bag about being American and how his way was the right way. Well let’s just see what happens shall we?212

He gave this sinister cackle and looked at me with pure hatred and smirked saying, “Typical of what a NAZI WOULD SAY!”213

I had heard enough. I stood up and looked at him directly shouting at him, “ALL OF YOU AMERICANS ARE THE SAME! DO YOU REALLY THINK I GIVE A FLYING SHIT WHAT YOU THINK OF MY NATION’S HISTORY? DO YOU! I’M PROUD TO BE A GERMAN, I’M PROUD OF MY FAMILYS’ NOBLE PAST! I’M ASHAMED TO CALL MYSELF HALF AMERICAN BECAUSE OF A PIECE OF WASTED HUMAN FLESH SUCH AS YOU! IF IT WASN’T FOR MY GOOD FOR NOTHING MOTHER, I’D STILL BE IN GERMANY! SO TAKE YOUR AMERICAN DREAM AND IDEALS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR AMERICAN ASS! I WANT NOT PART OF YOUR TRADITIONS IF YOU’RE GOING TO DISOWN MINE!”214

The whole class got silent and stared at us two. I was huffing standing up in my desk. Even the preps stopped gossiping and stared. I wanted to cry so badly, he took everything I had loved and cherished and just destroyed it in seconds. In that moment, I hated all Americans and I wanted my German friends back home back me up. All of that anger of being harassed by my mother for being the way I am, years of it expelled in one moment and out in the open. I couldn’t run out of the room and call my dad that would be the weak way of doing this. I was going to do it the Von Nacht way, the German way, and stand my ground in this. I had to now… unlike Hitler though, I had troops to back me up.215

He straightened his jacket and smirked, “well now we know his true colors, class. He is no different than his other heathen nation.”216

I growled once again, “listen you son of a bitch, my country is not a bunch of heathens! If you have something against Germany, take up with the president of my country, NOT ME! I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG DAMNIT!”217

I had forgotten my friend Lexis was in the same class as me, she looked at me full of hurt and confusion. Did I really feel this way about America as a whole? No… I didn’t, I couldn’t. this is the country that gave me a second chance at life and way from my mother. I just hated him, not the country. I met her eyes and looked away; it’s too shameful to see her face now.218

“what is going on in here?!” counselor Mrs. Carson interrupted what was going on.219

The history teacher started a fake cry, “this student was being so disrespectful to the American way of life because he’s a German.”220

“what bullshit,” Lexis started up, “Nikkei’s the nicest guy I know, and he was provoked. Yeah he completely trashed the American way of thinking and what not, but the teacher kept egging him on by saying his people were nothing but heathens or whatever.”221

The poor consoler just sighed and told me to come with her, and I was more than happy to. We walked down the hall a ways and we got into an office that was full of thing from all around the world. Pictures of places I had been in Germany and some places in France too. It was a cramped office but it was cozy, there was a love seat in there she directed me to sit down on it and she sat next to me with her hand on my shoulder.222

“We’ll take care of the teacher okay?” she said, looking at the clock.223

I nodded a bit, unfamiliar with a woman that wasn’t my age nor a teacher of mine being so nice. Suddenly my stomach growled and my usual attitude at the beginning of the year took hold once again. I blush a little and looked way from her. I heard a giggle, it wasn’t meaning not in the least.224

“my, your hair is really long,” she was in mid sentence when she heard my stomach and smiled teasing, “hungry are we?”225

“y-yes ma’am.” I stuttered, still unsure of what her intentions were.226

“I’m not going to be mean to you,” she reassured, “if anything I want to be the one to help you. I’m surprised they didn’t send you to me right away when you first got here, though I’m sure it was because of your English correct?” 227

I nodded once again my stomach growling louder as if to remind me that I needed to eat something. I looked at the clock noticing it was time for lunch, and groaned a little. I really didn’t want to go and face the people today. I just feel like I’m about to break, especially with this councilor being so nice to me. She was only making it harder for me to keep my composure and not fall into another mess.228

She took note I think to the fact that I wasn’t really comfortable or I was about to pass out and she changed the subject completely, “I know you don’t want your peers to see you right away, so how about this alternative? I treat you to the teacher’s food for the day and let you hang out here for the rest of the day. You have to agree to see me once or twice a week for whatever is bothering you. Cutting isn’t a good thing for you and there’s always some sort of problem. Of course I’d have to get your father’s permission about the counseling of course.”229

“he doesn’t know I cut, none of my friends know or seem to let on that they know either. You’re the first person to find out about it, and my dad’s at work right now.” I mumbled out, obviously ashamed of her finding out that I did what I was doing.230

She did end up telling my dad, not my mom, and he was torn about it. He had a break down asking me why and everything all I could do was nothing. I was so ashamed of cutting myself and having everyone (at least it felt like it) knows about it. My dad agreed to me being in counseling and not to tell my mother. She was the main cause of most of to tell you the truth, her and my sister both. Mrs. Carson was overjoyed to have her way and I was finally able to relax a bit around this school. the history teacher that had called me out for being German in his class was fired not but a week later. The students who were in the class said that he started it and I just reacted in the way they would if someone had insulted America like he did. I highly doubt he’ll find a job in New England anywhere, or at least not a good one. 231

I had to tell my friends that I was a cutter though, Seth already knew because I basically spilled my guts to him the day I got back to his house of the event happening. I decided to do it away from school and away from the prying ears of the school’s gossip squad to give them more ammo to paint up this horrible picture of me. I chose the freak hangout of the town, Java Hut, to tell my little secret. There was the older Goths and Punks of the community, my father hung out there too on his days off while I was at school, I guess you could call this the watering hole for all the town freaks. Oh well, I’d hate to be a prep that walks into this place at any time of the day to order some coffee or whatever. 232

“guys,” I started to say staring at my cup of half empty English Tea, “I have something to tell you all and please don’t freak out when I tell you this.”233

I saw Seth’s jaw clench a bit while the others looked at me really confused.234

Alex laughed, “look if you have a thing for a guy, we’re okay with it. After Armand dumped you, I can see you getting together with another guy. After all we are sexy.”235

Lexis and Sophia rolled their eyes at Alex’s smartass comment, and Sophie spoke up, “I don’t think he has another boyfriend you dolt! He would be bouncing up and down like a fan-girl of some stupid TV show, not looking like he’s one of Edgar Allen Poe’s poems! Some people are just really stupid Nikkei; go on with what you were going to say.”236

I took a breath and closed my eyes not looking at them, “I’m a cutter!”237

They got quiet well Alex, Lexis and Sophie did. They looked dumbfounded, as if my accent had gotten in the way of me speaking English, hell they looked at me like I wasn’t speaking English at all!238

“did we hear you right?” Alex the Punk stared at me saying with disbelief.239

“yes you did.” I whispered and showed them a wrist that I had recently cut on a few weeks ago and there we past scars on my wrist too.240

“why, Nikkei? Just why?” Lexis started at me getting emotional.241

I looked away from her, “why? I can’t handle everything thrown at me all the time. I can’t stand my mother talking down to me all the time, I can’t stand Captain Jockstrap harassing me in the locker room because apparently I’m smaller than he is, and I just-“242

I felt Lexis hug me suddenly and I could feel her trying to maintain her “punk” persona. She wouldn’t let go of me either, I guess she sensed that I was in pain. I have no idea but suddenly I felt like breaking down again, and I can’t stand it when I break down. I feel so weak for crying in front of people especially when it’s in front of my elders of the Gothic Subculture and its cousin, the rougher Punks. 243

“Dude, if you’re going to cry just go ahead and do it. We know if you don’t cry now, your going to take it out on your wrist.” Alex said in his own way of trying to be a friend.244

Sophie spoke up and looked at Seth, “I know Seth is your best friend and you pretty much tell him everything. Just please remember, we’re your friends too and if you could just let us in once in awhile I think you will be surprised how better you feel.”245

I remember my friends taking me into a more private area of the little café, sat me on a bench and sat around me. I felt like I was being such a freaking diva for such small things in life. I can’t describe the emotions I was feeling at the time, all I remember was being so lost and confused about everything at that point of time. Suddenly I felt on tear drop fall, then another and another. The next thing I knew I was crying into someone’s shoulder. It had to be Sophia, the smell of bewitching incense was a strong scent in my nose, but it wasn’t.246

Lexis put aside her subculture’s persona and held my shaking body. Her being 5’7 an me being maybe about 5’3 at the time, yeah you can do the math. All she did was hold me trying to calm me down she was trying to calm 13 years old abuse, I hope she knew that it wasn’t going to be easy.247

After awhile, I had settled down my breakdown being reduced to sniffling and silent tears streaming down my face. I looked away from the elders and from my friends to look at the floor. All of my friends were around me and I knew where they were each of them. Alex was kneeling in front of me trying to get me to look at him, Seth was besides me with a hand on my shoulder, Lexis was on my other side playing with my hair cooing how it was so soft for dyed hair, and Sophia was next to Lexis leaning over trying to get my attention or to say something.248

“Thank you.” I managed to say in a hoarse tone.249

Sophia looks up, “Your welcome Nikkei. You know that – hey where are you going?”250

I had gotten up to go to the bathroom to collect myself a bit; it wasn’t Sophie’s or Lexis’ problem. I guess it’s a guy thing to be alone while emotionally wrecked, though telling that to a girl and she’d think your nuts. I could hear the two girls squawking for me to come back and join them or them threatening to do whatever to get me to come back.251

“Girls,” Seth started and Alex spoke up taking my spot on the bench, “I know you probably won’t understand this because your girls and all but let him collect his pride okay?”252

“The fact that he’s a Gothic male means that a lot is expected of him, and to throw him being a European Gothic Male in there. Well I he comes from a more pure line than we do, he has a lot of traditions we don’t know about resting on his shoulders. So let Nikkei collect himself alone for a bit okay?” Seth warned.253

Meanwhile I was taking care of my full bladder and the horrible mess my make up was now in. I had spent several minutes too long I guess. The two girls and guys were staring at me like was some sort of alien. I rolled my eyes at them, I knew my eyes were still glassy from me crying but I didn’t care too much. The rest of the day went on without a hitch and made playful (but serious) jokes about me cutting and how they would stop me. 254

Toward the end of school everyone had settled into their own ways of life, even after what had happened between us we still needed our space from one another. Lexis went of to do her own thing with the punk population at the school that was now growing into a decent size, while Alex split his time between his own group and the three Goths that were still left behind without anyone but each other. It was all good though; Seth and I got to know each other very well once again. My English got a lot better thanks to my friends helping me with it. I still told of people in German though, and it saved my ass from being in trouble with teachers. My father and mother had started to get the files for being legally separated but not divorced. (We’ll see how long that last.) 255

Right now my dad and I live with Seth and his grandmother, Mrs. Mays. I have to share a bathroom with my dad (its jack and Jill sort of thing with my dad’s room and mine) but I don’t mind. Hey, it’s better than having tampons all over the floor after my sister’s fits of rage for no reason. My dad lost his job at hot topic and is working for the new Gap in the mall, and he’s the assistant manager there. He doesn’t have to tone it done too much, but the stupid preps that shop there don’t go out of their way to be mean to him or to steal anything anymore.256

My time in America has turned out to be pretty good so far. The first of they year was the most exciting but after that it got pretty dull. Occasionally fights between the popular kids and us would erupt out of the blue, but nothing that would make an epic story or legend any time soon. I’ve made new friends and even some new acquaintances in town, and the local hot topic can’t wait for me to turn 18 because they already know that they want to hire me. Apparently it’s a cool thing to have a euro Goth around your store to make you look more important. Oh well freshman year is wrapping up nicely and sophomore year will start all too soon I’m sure. Until next year I guess. Have fun with life and please remember to be nice to the freaky kid in class. He or she just might be your boss in 10 years.257