I licked my lips nervously, taking slow steps forward, trying not to show how afraid I was. I took a sideways glace as the group of kids assembled on the other side of the ten foot tall Gothic iron fence, all of it but the old rusting gate was screened by the winding vines of wisteria. Looking back I took a deep, calming breath and approached the ancient house loomed in front of me. The oldest house in the entire town, it was built of stone and legend. No one had lived here for more then 200 years, local belief was that it was haunted. 1
Looking up at the two story mansion, for lack of a better word, I suppressed a shiver. I was going to prove once and for all how not haunted this old house was. The windows looked down on me, threateningly black and empty as I marched through the weedy walk way of the overgrown yard. Roof tiles were missing in patches and gargoyles were perched protectively at each corner of the roof. The door way got closer and the awed whispers grew softer as I continued forward. I could now see the door in the shadow of the sheltered entry way, wisteria climbed over this part of the house as well. It was old and wooden, hanging crookedly from only one hinge, unopened in nearly a century. 2
I walked up the steps, the superstition surrounding the place was what had my nerves so worked up. I wasn't afraid, it wasn't haunted, I was determined to prove it. Still I hesitated, my hand outstretched towards the door in front of me. The property might have been abandoned but I was still trespassing. "Go on Harper, go in. Or are you too scared?" The last word was drawn out in a taunting way. 3
I turned my head swiftly to the side to shoot Tommy Redding a glare. He and his cronies stood safely on the other side of the gate. He smiled at me mockingly, he'd been the one who'd dared me up here in the first place. Two other boys and a girl stood with him. Out of the three only one other showed the same mocking smirk as Tommy, the others looked scared witless and they weren't even in the yard. Little Gregory looked like he was about to faint any second, even from this distance I could see his pale face, he was holding on to the fence for all the support it was worth. It was a shame he'd gotten caught up with people like Tommy Redding, he was a nice kid. 4
"You're the scaredy cat Redding, you and you band of fools won't even go past the gate!" I snapped back at him, my hand still outreached for the door. 5
He laughed, the others taking the cue joined in, "Aw is the little girl scared of the haunted house?" He mocked in a baby voice. I rolled my eyes. 6
"Screw you." I shot using my other hand to flip him and his group off before pushing the door open. "There is no such thing as haunted houses." With that I strode through the door, adrenaline rushing through my veins. 7
"Be careful Lacy." I heard Gregory's terrified voice shout after me, but I didn't pay attention to his warning. 8
I should have never gone in that house, I should have just let Tommy Redding and his group of idiots win that bet, I should have but I didn't. I didn't believe in the supernatural, I didn't listen to Gregory's warning when he told me not to do it. Too bad I didn't.
Author notes
Just something I'm starting.
continued in part 1 http://storywrite.com/story/205340
In a list
A contest entry
- Short short short!! by Thorn-on-the-Rose.
175 points, ended September 28, 2008, 36 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Believable supernatural! by cole3313.
350 points, ended October 26, 2008, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Ghost Stories by Rosemary.
250 points, ended October 24, 2008, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Scary Stories by WolfSpiritMia.
400 points, ended October 24, 2008, 22 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Imagination by MidniteRockers.
370 points, ended December 17, 2008, 75 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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Good
This is very interesting. Could I also say that there were a few spelling mistakes, 'took a sideways glace' would have been 'took a sideways glance'. Very interesting, nice genre to write about. Nothing that really stood out for me, but good effort.
Good luck
Lolly xbeginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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I love this!!! It gave the feel of the beginning of a truly scary story. But it wasn't the scary part, so I wasn't scared.
But I loved it, this was awesome for just a prologue!! Did I mention I loved this?
Good luck!!!
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Thanks, It's more of a ghost story/mystery as it continues. I can't say it will scare you sensless or anything, but some parts may leave you hanging.
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hmmm I may continue on with this story (after the contest ends that is)
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hehe, yay!
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Good start
Nice description of the old house and the emotions of the girl. You should continue. Thanks for entering my contest. -
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Thanks, It's continued to about 16 parts now and still working on it.
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Awesome!!!! That was so cool! I love how mysterious, and how you left it at the end, lol you just left us wondering, I mean anything could have happened! Awesome job, I can't wait to read more of this!
-kixxy- -
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Thanks, glad you liked it!!
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I really liked it. Your a very good writer. Even thought it was just the begining it was very intreging. It makes me want to read the rest. ...Maybe I will. lol Good luck in my contest.
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Thanks, if you decide to read the rest I hope you like it
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OOOOOOHHHHH! It's scary enough to give readers the chills! Nice work! I'd like to read the rest when you have the chance to add to it. I want to see if Lacy is ever able to get out of the house, and if she does, how the experience will change her life! I really like your descriptions. It shows the readers just how clearly you can see this place in your mind! *two thumbs up* I can definitely see this as the beginning of a horror movie............. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...
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I have the first 10 parts of this story posted and I'm writing more, glad you liked it.
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I'm back! xD And it was a good thing you replied to my comment, cos my computer wouldn't let me look at old comments to find the link
(It has all sorts of stupid glitchy things at the mo.) Anyways....
A good beginning. It's true, the whole 'haunted house' thing has been done, but I think you can go somewhere interesting with this. I like that characters you've introduced so far. I also loved the description of the house and fence at the beginning. Great work!
Eph
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You're welcome, glad you came back to read it. Haha, it spins off the haunted house cliche as the story moves on, it gets more original, glad you liked it.
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Lol. I clicked on it in featured stories by mistake >.> ah well.
To be perfectly honest I found it all very cliched. I write cliched stories, it's hard not to, but it's always good to at least put some stroke of originality into it.
Ignore me though, I'm always the mean critic >.> -
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Yeah, the beginning is a little cliched, but it isn't so much as the story goes on. It's more original, the next chapters show it.
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Good
I enjoyed this, and want to read on to see what happens next. There are one or two spelling mistakes, but otherwise enjoyable.
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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This was really good! Creepy, but good! I look forward to more!
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Hey
I really think this sounds good, it seems thrilling and i really think this was a great start
it was very detailed and highly involving
cannot wait to read more
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Hehe, thank you
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Ah, I have to go to my next class. I'll come back as soon as I can and comment properly If I haven't commented by tomorrow, message me or something to remind me
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will do.
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Keep up the good work, seems like a reflection of life to me. Great job dear...
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Thank you!
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goog job, I love it, very er.... i can't think of the right word, you know the one for 'pulls in the reader' hmmm....
Well, you know what i mean, It's a great start to a promising story, can't wait to read more =DD
Errors--
paragraph 1, 'I took a sideways glace as the group of kids assembled on the other side of the ten foot tall Gothic iron fence' 'glace' should be 'glance' unless you've decided that 'glace' is your new slang word. (I say this because you told me you fixed the errors, but the first one is still there!!!!) lol
paragraph 5, ' you and you band of fools won't even go past the gate!' the second 'you' should be 'you're' tisk tisk.
paragraph 7, '"There is no such thing as haunted houses." ' that's a little shakey, maybe 'There's no such thing as a haunted house.' would fit better, idk, it's up to you.
So, good job, good luck in my contest, and, great story =DD
-Your friendly neighborhood Dann
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Always with the errors. JK Thanks I'll fix 'em later.
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I love your colorful descriptions. "Winding vines of wisteria"-it's really quite beautiful, especially against the dark edginess that is the basis of your prologue. The contrast balances your piece and makes it interesting to read. Bravo
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Thanks.
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love it!
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Definitely spooky! I like the irony that the taunting kids won't dare go in themselves. A coupla things: the quote in P3 should start a new paragraph, and in the last paragraph, hear s/b heard, and listened s/b listen. Also you have "I i" in there.
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Thank you!
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kick ass starter
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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hehe, thanks.
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i luv the background!!!!!
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Thanks, I made it myself! Hehe.
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Witty
This was a good beginning. The characters were realistic and the story flowed pretty well. Nice job! ;D
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Thanks, It's a need to make the characters realistic, and detail, depending on who you are the ammount of deatail I put in is good or bad. I really like to paint with my words.
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oo very suspensful. u did an awesome job with this.
I wanna read more. update soon plz!
Keep writing!~.~
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Hehe, thanks I'm working on the first chapter now...
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