Five small fragile fingers1
connected to my seven year old hand2
press against his wide, open, cut palm,3
the ocean escapes from his eyes,4
he leans into to kiss me,5
the glass betweens us catches it6
and it freezes on my bedroom window,7
then follows him as he goes to his car. 8
Sitting on my bed the next day,9
staring out the same window,10
I watched that same car go by,11
but he didn't stop to wish me Happy Birthday 12
because he saw his mothers car sitting in the drive,13
he didn't want to go in and face her14
just to hear how big of a disappointment he was again,15
the only thing she told him back then.16
I remember how cold the November pavement felt17
to my bare feet 18
as I ran to his car the next morning,19
parked at the end of the road.20
He looked so cold and alone21
his body felt so stiff as I gave him a hug,22
The sheriff showed up and made me let go of him,23
Grandpa screamed "No!", and Grandma cried so hard.24
There was a gift wrapped in pink in the back seat,25
and my pillow was still in the back,26
I miss those days of sitting in that car,27
listening to the oldies, playing air guitar. 28
I wish I could feel his whiskers on my face again,29
I wish I could smell the liquor on his breath,30
I wish he was here to wrap me in his arms,31
to tell me everything would be okay,32
The note said that I added eight years to his life,33
I wish I could of added more,34
it said I was his princess, his sunshine, 35
and his best friend36
he didn't have a Grandma, so I shared mine,37
he didn't know how to draw, so I showed him,38
he'd never of heard of Snow White, so I told him,39
he'd never heard of God, and I wish I would have told him.40
What I would give for one more day with him,41
I would know what just to do and say,42
just Lord please give me one more yesterday,43
don't let a great mans life end that way.44
Just give me one more yesterday45
Let me cling on to his caramel skin,46
let me see my knight disguised in a Kroger vest,47
just give me him48
and I'll give you the rest 49
Just give me one more day50
of playing air guitar,51
listening to the oldies,52
sitting in that car.53
As I sit here at my computer54
wearing his big old plaid T shirt55
and his baseball cap-56
I close my eyes and go back to that night,57
but instead of just sitting there,58
I open the window59
and don't let my best friend go. 60
A contest entry
- Make me cry T.T by MoraKpon.
235 points, ended November 10, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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aww this is so sad, emotional and just feels so real. It's really good.
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it's so sad you could make a great story off of this.
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I pictured the story quite well, and it was gripping. It reminded me, but is not the same, of the homeless drug addict on the movie, "Pay It Forward." The ending to that story is quite different though.
I like the touch that this includes a prayer wrapped up in the thoughts of this friend.
Write On!
Beth
. Rewarded 6
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It's so sad, but the end is nice. I'm a little confused as to who he is exactly though. His mother lives with the little girl, but it's not her mother? Step mom? I guess it doesn't really matter. The emotions come across very well, and I loved the awesome description you used at the top, a kiss freezing on the window! So great.
. Rewarded 6
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His mother does not live there, she is just there for the party. it is his Aunt and Uncle (mothers sister and husband) and their granddaughter. his mom was there for the granddaughters birthday. i am the granddaughter. true story. thanks for your comments!
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Well, since whatever mistakes I've noticed have been pointed out by Mr. Jimmy below me, I'll just skip to the praise shall I?
Okay, wow. Sadness, remorse, regret, all these emotions shine through your words. It's very heartfelt, and flows quite well.
Amazingly written! I love it.
. Rewarded 6
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Hmmmm.......
Not my usual reading material, but well expressed. My one niggle, and this is the English purist coming out, is that an awful lot of the "of" should be "have". I appreciate this was written in the patois of your home state, nevertheless, it's the kind of detail that spoils it for me.
The meter is fine, but the grammar seems to be a little lacking eg "big of a disappointment". One or two apostrophes missed out, and at least one full stop.
As for the content, well, it's not my cup of tea, but I think you tackled it with panache. I like poetry, but I'm not really competent to give a reasonable critique. I don't feel involved here, but then, I'm 56, and a long way past the retrospective regret stage. That said, there's a talent waiting to mature here, and I'd encourage you to stick at it.
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Awesome possum, Magnifico, Stupendo!
ohmigosh. That was really good! I didn't see any major grammer or spelling mistakes. The storyline was really easy to follow. You did a great job with this!
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