Yes, Really

Amaya had always wished she was brave. She wished she could unfold from within herself in the corners where she always hid and stand up to those who frightened her. Never mind that pretty much everyone and everything frightened her; if she had even the tiniest ounce of courage, she knew she could stand up to them all. But Amaya was such a tiny girl, much too tiny to be taken seriously by anybody. She was six years old, and yet she looked about four: legs too short for walking, round black eyes still glossed over with the shining brightness in eyes of infants, hands and fingers so miniscule and soft. She hated it. She didn’t react angrily to hate. When the small girl hated something, especially about herself, it always made her cry.1

She didn’t know why she was so afraid, so skittish and prone to tears. It didn’t make sense really, when she was compared to the rest of her family. Amaya’s parents were both tall, clean people in business suits with silly smiles who always used polite language. They were always working, so their daughter rarely saw them. She remembered faintly the last time her mother had held her, the last time her father had fed her years ago and so on, but only brief, unimportant moments were clear. Amaya’s parents were never there for her to run to, never there to say the words of comfort that she so strongly desired.2

Amaya attended a small elementary school where everyone was friends or acquaintances with everybody. The children were so young, and yet they seemed older when sitting together at lunch or working in groups, laughing and playing the day away. Amaya it seemed, was the only student who had nobody. During school hours, when she was not required to do anything, the teacher, a skinny woman named Emi-sensei, could usually find her curled up in a big red beanbag in the corner of the classroom farthest from the door. Emi-sensei would attempt to take her outside with the other children, but Amaya always refused. There was no reason to be out there. All it did was scare her, so she stayed inside. The first grader was good at doing work, but she had no friends because she was afraid of people, and none of the other children seemed to notice her.3

It was the end of an uneventful weekend, a stormy Sunday night which meant returning to school the next day. Thunder and lightning tore at the sky and Earth outside Amaya’s window. Silently sobbing fearful tears, the young girl buried herself deeper into the soft plush of her bedspread when a horrid rumble shook the floor beneath her feet. A babysitter had told her about thunderstorms once. The thunder was a monster that had been sealed away under the forests and was screaming its rage to the sky. If you felt the thunder close to you, it meant that the monster had its eye on you for revenge. The lightning was the light of the hidden sun flashing across the scales of a beautiful, but deadly dragon. Amaya didn’t like dragons. No matter how pretty they are, they always want to eat you. At that thought, she couldn’t help diving back under her covers with a screech when lightning blinded her out of nowhere. “KIYOSHI!” her high voice called out before she could restrain it. “Kiyoshi, where are you?! HELP!”4

A door flew open, steps hurried across the carpet, and soon big, warm arms had wrapped themselves around her. “Shhh. Calm down Amaya, it’s okay. I’m right here.” The soft spoken voice instantly soothed Amaya. Her eyes slid closed and she took a deep, shaky breath. Her body was trembling slightly, it always did when she was afraid. The pair of arms retracted, but their hands stopped on her shoulders. On these nights, their touch was the only thing that kept the child calm.5

The smooth hands and big arms surrounding Amaya belonged to her older brother, Kiyoshi. Kiyoshi was many amazing things in the eyes of everybody he interacted with. Nine years old, growing tall and handsome with sleeked black hair and deep, intense eyes the color of chocolate. He was kind and warm. Nobody in his entire life had ever seen Kiyoshi get angry or raise his voice, especially at his baby sister. His small, upturned smile was usually directed at her. With everyone else, it seemed he was just being polite, but with Amaya, the light of love in his eyes could not be mistaken. Kiyoshi adored his sister, and Amaya very much adored him. At very young ages, they had formed a incredible bond of love and support with each other, something other siblings very rarely did.6

Kiyoshi came around and sat on the edge of his sister’s tiny bed. He brought her little fists down from her eyes, not squeezed so tightly shut now that he had arrived, and turned her face towards his. When her shimmering black orbs finally revealed themselves, looking at him in pleading hope and fear, the older boy asked, “Are you okay?” 7

Another huge rumbling shook the Earth outside, and Amaya shrieked before flying into Kiyoshi’s lap. He suppressed a chuckle, and held the small child closely in his arms until the roaring and trembling died away. It wasn’t until all was quiet and still that Amaya pulled away from her brother’s embrace. She was never afraid of him, but embarrassed, all the time. He was so great and brave. For her whole life, she had been trying to figure out why he loved someone like her so much. 8

Kiyoshi was looking at her with concern and amusement. Amaya hated that look, but at the same time, she treasured it. It was another acknowledged fear, what would happen if Kiyoshi stopped looking at her like that. The boy arranged his sister more comfortably in his lap so that she was sitting on his knees, and that was when he wrapped his arms around her in a protective circle, his chin resting on the top of her head.9

Amaya hugged him back as much as she could with her tiny arms, steadying herself as much as she could. After a few moments, with everything warm and snuggled the way she liked it, she got up what courage she had and asked in a small, shaky voice, “Kiyoshi? Why am I so afraid? I don’t like being afraid of everything.” As if to prove her point, the dragon outside struck again, dazzling the room in a terrifying white light. This time when she screamed, Kiyoshi’s lap was there, keeping her from falling. She clutched at him, her silent heart beating as fast as hummingbird wings.10

When the world calmed down and all was whispered once again, Kiyoshi suddenly stood up, holding his baby sister bridal style. Said sister’s breath caught when she saw how far up she suddenly was, that she was towering over their whole island up there, before her brother gently laid her back down on the bed. Amaya looked up at him in confusion, but he took no notice as he surrounded her with blankets, compacting the warmth that they had created. Finally, he took Amaya’s soft and clumsy hand in his, entwining their fingers as he spoke.11

“Don’t worry Amaya. It’s okay to be afraid, you’re not weak because of it and you need to stop thinking that you are. Someday soon, you won’t be as scared. Did you know that fear is only around so that you can overcome it?” 12

She stared at him, eyes gone wide. “Really?”13

He inched closer and nodded. “Yes, really. We’re all afraid of something, but those fears won’t last forever because sooner or later, we won’t be afraid of them anymore. They’ll be gone.” 14

Amaya blinked, attempting to absorb this bit of information. “So scary things...and fear...they go away?”15

Kiyoshi nodded. “They do.”16

“So things I think are scary now won’t be scary to me when I’m your age?” 17

“They might be a little bit, but you’re right. Getting older is a big part of it. Did you know that when I was your age, I thought that my closet was the scariest thing ever?”18

“What?” Amaya giggled in disbelief. “You were scared of your closet Kiyoshi?” It was very hard for the tiny girl to imagine her big brother being scared of anything. 19

“Yes, I hated my closet,” Kiyoshi told her. “It was dark in there all the time, even during the daytime. I wouldn’t go near it because I always thought some kind of monster was going to jump out and chase me, and nobody else would see it so they wouldn’t be able to help me.” Amaya shivered at the thought, but then Kiyoshi took her hand again and held it gently in his. She looked up at him, and his eyes were shining down at her. “But guess what, Amaya? When I got a little bit older and had to go to my closet for something, I finally figured out that there’s really nothing in there. No monsters, nothing that was going to hurt me. Now that closet is the least scariest thing in the world, because I overcame my fear of it.”20

“Wow!” Amaya own eyes began shining in admiration and excitement. “Kiyoshi, you’re the greatest!” The older boy caught Amaya when she launched herself at him, and soon they were both laughing and wrestling on the soft carpet. When the storm reminded them that it was there though, Amaya looked up sharply like a wolf that had heard a threatening call. She slumped in defeat on her older brother’s lap. She reminded him of a sad little puppy with dropping ears. 21

“I’ll never be able to do something like that,” Amaya said sadly. “Kiyoshi, I’ll never be as great as you.” 22

Kiyoshi said nothing, just lifted his sister up again and put her back in her bed the way he had before. Soon it looked as if nothing had changed. He held her hand with one of his, and the other smoothed her soft curls in a soothing motion. Even though Amaya knew she would never overcome her fear of the monster and dragon raging war on the other side of her window, having Kiyoshi there telling her it was alright made it seem like that was good enough.23

“Sure you will,” he whispered in her ear softly. “I think you’re the greatest already, Amaya. Just because you’re scared doesn’t mean you’re not great.” He laid his head lightly on her soft cheek, placed a fleeting kiss there. “Someday, you’re going to be the strongest and most un-scared girl in the world.”24

Amaya opened her eyes sleepily and met her brother’s. What he said sounded so silly, but at the same time possible. “Really?” she asked quietly.25

“Yes, really. I know you will.” The small girl gave him a smile that could have made the ugliest thing in the world feel beautiful, and soon she was wrapped in his arms again, and said world was quiet. The sounds of the storm were getting farther away. Soon it would be over, and Amaya was glad. 26

They stayed like that for a little while, doing nothing but listening. In place of the storm, Amaya felt herself starting to become afraid of the silence, and carefully pushed herself away from Kiyoshi. “Hey, can you play that pretty song again?” she asked him. Lately, the pair had been experimenting with music. Kiyoshi had heard it before, but it was a new thing to Amaya and she found that she liked it. 27

He smiled down at her. “Pretty music always makes you sleepy. Do you want to be sleepy?” He tickled her, and Amaya squealed happily. “We should probably be getting back to sleep anyway. We both have school in the morning.” When he looked at her again, his sister’s head was tilted. “Do you want to go to sleep Amaya?”28

Amaya was pretty tired now that she thought about it. The thought of school the next day still made her shake, but with Kiyoshi so near, it was merely a thought in the back of her mind. She laid back on her pillow and let her brother rearrange the blankets around her so she was tucked into a warm cocoon. 29

“I don’t care, as long as you’re here. Because if you’re here, nothing can ever hurt me,” she whispered tiredly. As if in response, the monster and dragon sounded their anguish in unison one last time. Still a bit shook up, Amaya snuggled down into her sheets at the sound. 30

Kiyoshi laughed. “You’re right,” he whispered lovingly, smoothing some of the smallish child’s black curls behind her ear so they were not blocking her midnight colored eyes. He lowered his chocolate colored ones until they were directly staring into his sister’s. She was surprised at how serious her brother had gotten all of a sudden.31

“You’re safe with me, and that will always be true.”32

She didn’t have to ask, but hearing it would make Amaya feel so secure, so un-afraid. “Really, Kiyoshi?”33

The girl’s older brother gave her a smile like the dawn, and reached over onto the table to hit the ‘play’ button on a small, pink CD player. Pretty music turned down low filled the room with whispers and pulses of warmth and beauty that drifted through it like butterflies. With her favorite song playing, Amaya started to doze off to sleep, and as she drifted farther and farther away, she felt Kiyoshi shift closer to her and kiss her cheek again. 34

“Yes,” he told her with love. He tightened his grip on her tiny hand as little sounds of sleep began sounding from the girl. “Really.”