My Reasons To Live

Okay, so I started a contest on people's top ten reasons to live. So, in response to that I'm going to write my own reasons, with explanations and all. What I originally put on the contest page has changed since then. Both from the experiences I've had since then, and from reading everyone's wonderful entries. I thank everyone who entered for this inspiration. Here goes!1

10.) To be absolutely honest I'm afraid. I don’t know what is out there once we pass on from this life. I am also afraid that if I attempted suicide and failed I would be put in some sort of funny farm. Being in a hospital will only make me want to kill myself more, not cure me of such thoughts. Then, I would have to find some sort of painless way to end my life. I wouldn't want my last moments to be in pain. It would take too much planning, and not only am I too lazy, but I know I would chicken out. I know this is a horrible reason to want to live, but I'm being honest. I'm lazy and afraid.2

9.) Food. I love food. I love to eat food. I love to make food. I love to look at food. I love to smell food. I love everything about food. I don't think I could stand not being able to do anything with food. I eat a lot of food, and I love to bake. It frustrates my friends because I have a fast metabolism and can pretty much eat as much as I want without putting on the kind of weight others would. People accuse me of being bulimic because I eat a lot but I'm still skinny. I'm not bulimic. I hate vomit and I wouldn't want tom waste food in such a way. I really do very much enjoy food. 3

8.) Theatre and acting are my passions. Well, one of my many. But theatre is really my life. I have worked so hard to make myself a better actress over the years. It takes a lot out of you to be invested in theatre the way I am. And it pays off. I have been getting bigger and better parts year by year, and it is awesome. I love to display my humor and or seriousness on stage in front of large quantities of people. I can really shed my own skin and put on the persona of another character. On stage is one of the few places that I feel at home. Surprisingly it makes me feel as though I am truly myself; even though I am playing a character.4

7.) The natural highs in life are another one of the things I live for. I love the first heavy rain after a period of dryness. My heart just soars when I stand in the pouring rain. I feel so close to the earth and the world. It is the ultimate sign of being care free. Finishing something that has taken so much time to do just makes me giddy. And then those random moments when you feel nothing could be more perfect then that one moment. Those unexpected complements from people you barely talk to but yet you can tell it's genuine. Or the e-mail from someone you haven't seen in a very long time. Random eye contact with strangers. Getting the last of something on the shelf at a store. Putting on a dress and having it fit you perfectly. All these simple little things fill my heart with such joy that I couldn't experience if my life was gone.5

6.) I want to finally learn to be myself in any and every situation. I have only recently begun to be completely myself around people I am comfortable with. I want to someday be able to be myself in front of everyone. In front of the world. I am quite a different person and I have persuaded myself that no one will like me. But really, people are less likely to like the persona I put on instead of my true self. I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin and with my own mind. Then I will truly be myself.6

5.) True love is something I want to experience someday. I have had crushes here and there and I get so invested in them that it is almost painful. I want to find someone who I love and they love me back, and the whole process is completely painless. I'm sick of heart break and effort with no rewards. The possibility of someone out there who is my soul mate keeps me going. I don't want to die and leave this soul mate of mine in the world without their counterpart. I want someone who loves the opposite flavors of skittles than me, so we can evenly share a bag. Someone who loves me for my weirdness and not once doubts me. Someone who will walk through a drive through with me. Someone who will suddenly and randomly become romantic in the most unromantic situations. Someone who understands my crazy trains of thoughts and cares enough to listen to my ranting. When I find someone like that I will know that I have found my soul mate and one true love.7

4.) I love my family. I am the second of three siblings and then I have four half siblings whom I consider my full siblings. So really, I am the second of seven kids. My parents are divorced and both got remarried, which explains the half siblings. I love each and every one of them. My parents, my step parents, my siblings. I don't know what I would do if I had a small uncomplicated family. My oldest brother Joey is eighteen and we have a wonderful relationship. I love talking to him, when we were younger my grandpa used to call us Search and Destroy. I know that when we are older and we have our own children we will remain close. Then my younger brother Dan, who is thirteen. I hated him when I was younger, blaming my parents' divorce on him, but now we have a wonderful relationship. He is adorable and I can't wait to annoy/shepherd him through his high school years. Then my younger siblings; Sean, Kayleigh, Katie and Kyle. I love them more than I would think possible. I've watched them grow literally from fetuses. Sean is in second grade now and beginning to read, and he is the most thoughtful seven year old you will ever meet. Kayleigh is a personality all on her own. I'm almost afraid of how she is going to be when she grows up. She is a leader and a fighter and she is definitely going to be something. Then there's Katie. Katie is such a character. She can pull a story out of thin air and twist and form it until it actually sounds like it happened. A brilliant liar, I am also afraid for her high school days. Both my sisters I am both excited and apprehensive for their maturing, it will be an interesting experience. Kyle, my little buddy. He is four and absolutely amazing. He has the memory of six elephants and he says things that you would never imagine a four year old saying. I love him and all my sibling and family so much. I wouldn't want to put them through the pain I know I would feel if one of them died.8

3.) My friends are wonderful. They are the most amazing people I have ever met. And to say they are one of my reasons for living is no stretch of the imagination. They unknowingly helped me through the worst period of my life and I couldn't thank them enough. My best friend Charlotte and I are so alike that it's funny. She always knows exactly what I'm thinking even before I think it. We talk on the phone for hours on end, talking about nothing half the time. She can always cheer me up, and seemingly I can always do the same for her. Chantelle, Lucy, and SeoYeun. Each with their own wonderful personalities. Chantelle the crazy midget with her never ending supply of "That's what she said" jokes. But still she is one of the best listeners and comforters that I will ever have the privilege of knowing. Lucy, the emo kid. Haha, just kidding Lucifer. I love her; we are alike in the ways Charlotte and I are not. She'll talk nerd with me about anime and such. One of the few people I have met who will do that. SeoYeun, my crazy Asian. She is always there when you need someone to listen to. That may sound bad, but it's true. But then again, she'll try her best to think of solutions for all of my problems. Whether they actually help or not is the real question. That is only a portion of my friends. Kimmy, Cassie, Anna, Allie, Vicky, and so much more. I love them all. Thank you guys for being there for me.9

2.) I want to be famous so much that it actually physically hurts me. When I think about it too much I get this throbbing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I cried when I watched the Tony's this year, that's how much I wanted to be there receiving one. I don't think it's normal to cry during award shows. I don't know if it will ever happen but I wish with all my might that it will. I don't want to be famous for something stupid. I want to be famous for my accomplishments. In acting, writing, comedy, whatever. I want all the people who have made my life hell to know that I have made it life. I want them to wish that they were nicer to me so that I would be friends with them. Yes, I want revenge on all of these people. But I do mostly want it for myself. I want to fulfill my dreams. My many, many, often far-fetched dreams.10

1.) Writing. Writing is my life. My complete and utter life. I know everyone says that here on story write. But really, it's what saved me. It is the main thing that kept me holding on throughout my depression. I would write down my feelings, letting my mind and soul go free. It is the greatest feeling to know that the words you have written may someday be read or hear by millions. I don't think I'd still be here today if it wasn't for my writing. And you can quote me on that. It is truly my passion and my life.11

Yeah, so those are my top ten reasons. They got a bit more in depth as I moved on... They aren't quite as meaningful or funny as some in my contest, but it will do. Hope you enjoyed them.12

Much Love,13

~ Jenna14