EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER1
The nicely dressed, although not too cleanly shaved, gentleman handed his resume to the personnel representative. She scanned it:2
“Early years spent in Blackburn and Lexington, followed by stints in Milledgeville, Anderson, Danamora and Danbury.3
Apprenticed at Florence, Granby, Lewisburg, Marion and Joliet with special time assisting in the legal departments at Hazleton, Huntsville, McAlester, Leavenworth and Folsom.4
Good behavior rated special stretch at Parchman, Cranston, Jesup and Lee, with subsequent terms at Walpole, Marquette, Raiford, Soledad, Otisville and Walla Walla.”5
"Well," said the young woman, smiling, "I think we can fit you in somewhere. Let's see." She thumbed through a sheaf of loose papers on her desk and drew one out.6
"Alright," she said, adjusting her glasses, "It seems opportunities abound! The following positions are available:7
Swing-Shift Guard at Harry Winston's, New York8
Weapons Packer, Smith and Wesson's Import-Export Department9
Passport Coordinator, United Nations10
Night Watchman, Dow Chemical and Petroleum11
Security Chief at Kennedy International12
Inventory Assistant, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals13
Head Records Clerk, New York Criminal Court14
Locksmith, Palm Beach County, Florida15
Credentials Inspector, U.S. State Department16
Vault Maintainance and Security, Fort Knox17
Baggage and Claims Department Custodian at La Guardia Airport18
Traffic Violations Summons Processor, DOT, Harrisburg,PA19
Gate Keeper, Sing-Sing20
Driver for Wells Fargo21
Documents Department Distribution Supervisor-NSA22
Customs Assistant - Mexican Border Patrol, and23
Co-Pilot on Air Force-One. Anything suit you?"
Author notes
My first notion here was how ABSURD (and therefore darkly funny") it would be...how INCOMPETENT, to offer these kinds of jobs (anything at Harry Winston's) to one who served even ten minutes in prison!(Some readers may not know this, but EVERY ONE of the places mentioned in the applicant's "resume" is a major PRISON FACILITY!) A position in GOVERNMENT SECURITY? The locations (Palm Beach, Florida...one of the wealthiest in the United States)...the positions of RESPONSIBILITY (for the safty and security for the rest of us) is totally silly.
Second...if ever offered...(and I am sure the exaggeration here only points out the POSSIBILITY of something related, even on a much smaller scale actually occuring...)what a BOON...what an "OPPORTUNITY" for the criminally minded! How absurd...but again, how funny! Every one of the "Equal Opportunity Employers" would be summarily WIPED OUT before the next sun would come up! And still, on another level, the piece hints at the incompetence of some of the locations and positions and their hiring personnel and practices that many of us fear.
GA
Comments
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To think that any personell representative would give a job to that man, especially one's such as Vault Maintenance and Security at Fort Knox is so absurd that when presented in this way I cannot help but laugh.
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OH so thats what they were for!
well you will be pleased to know that you are the first person i have given these things!!
. Rewarded 4
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not sure i under stand? could you explain?
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im confused here, do they actually offer these positions to former inamtes, or ar eyou just creating a scenario
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I think the personnel representative is about to be fired! You really made me laugh with this. Obviously, it is meant to be absurd and humorous, but WHAT A DUMB personnel representative!! Sounds like the kind of thing we joke about in my family. One person makes a comment and it goes all the way around the table with each person exaggerating it a little more and adding a few more ridiculous details. =) What a wily "gentleman" too. In some ways this is not so awfully far-fetched. It's the writing equivalent of a cartoon. :
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Hmmmm...
I'm not sure I understand this, sorry, Gary.
I can see the absurdity of it all, but the sheer (at least, down here) unrealistic-ness of it all makes it hard for me to find the humour.
Im guessing this is probably a satire of something you have in America, but is not down here, so I'm unfamiliar with it. *shrugs* Or maybe I'm clutching at straws.
Anyway, a well written piece, as always, I'm just sorry it's wasted on me.
I like the picture at the top though, that's classic.
. Rewarded 8
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The story, as a story is well done. I see the absurdity and hence the humor in someone who has such an extensive criminal record being considered for security jobs.
. Rewarded 4
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Not far from the truth
I'm sure what you wrote about happens everyday. In DC you can have as many misdemeanors as you want and still become a DC police officer. I know a certified paranoid schizophrenic doing his second tour in Iraq. Well, I guess when you are there the paranoia is real. I loved the the drivers license.
I added a real application for employment below. I thought you might enjoy it.
Rose
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries
. Rewarded 8
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con on the job.
That's so strange.... I usually only hear about reformed convicts having trouble finding jobs, but apparently they're not looking high enough. It is silly, I agree with you. I think that if someone is truly, truly repentant and 'better' after a stint in the big house,they should have equal opportunities, but how would you check that? How likely is it that an ex-prisoner wouldn't revert back in rough times? We need stricter employment laws to protect the majority. Convicts had their chance, too bad.
Sorry to get preachy! I did like it. You were right ^_^.
It was really spooky to see all the positions in security, esp. the airport ones. *shudders*
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Good story.
This is not far from the truth of course. A policeman once told me he recognised a security van driver as one he had seen taken down for armed robbery many years before. Your point is made clear as day.
. Rewarded 4
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Very good! I dare say we are starting to see something similar on our side of the ocean, the mundane jobs used to be occupied by, and I'm being careful not to mention anything about class here, the dregs of society - those who have served time, have entered the country illegally or are ineducated. These occupations seem to have had their quota filled, either that or things are just evolving (or are we becoming too trusting, or too stupid), and more 'important' jobs are starting to find these types of people at the helm. It is very concerning, I think the problem is that sometimes people forget that even if the job seems mundane or insignificant, it can still resonate with some kind of importance. It's about access to information, to channels or to sites. We can't vet everyone, that's for sure, but we can at least start to make an attempt to hire people who seem more overtly trustworthy (surely that trumps equal rights laws?). If you or I were interviewing a Mexican who barely spoke English for a job handling passports, would we really give them a chance? Hell no. Laws that are out to protect us by giving us equal opportunities should actually start by LISTENING to us.
Thank you for the chance to engage your writing in thought, once again. It's a very short piece but it definitely raises some excellent points about the way employment seems to be heading, not just in America, but globally.
Hope you are well,
- CC
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I think between the peice and the picture everything was conveyed exactly how it should be. I think I had a lot of trouble with 'weapons packer'. I mean.... what weapons, and where are they going. And is he in a good mood when packing them? lol
. Rewarded 4
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it captivated me
Pun's aside, it was a nice piece of satire. And one where I agree. As a contrast, I remember the Spielberg movie, "Catch Me, If You Can", where there WAS a suitable job for the crim in question.
Initially I balked a bit at one grammatical issue - where continuing dialogue to new paragraphs would have quotation marks at the beginning of the paras to prompt the reader that dialogue is continuing - but in this case you had a long list of (essentially) new paragraphs being read out. I still balk a little - perhaps if there was serious indenting then it would be suitable. However, the first few paragraphs probably deserve this rule to be applied.
I enjoyed.
cheers
Gezza
. Rewarded 8
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That happens quiet a lot in Australia.
I had to read it a few times to understand that the guy was no capable of the jobs that the woman was offering him.
Well it was intersting though.
You do have a strong ability to send a message while making your writing somewhat funny !!! I think it is the approach and the stupidity behind the fact that she was willing to submitt him to a job where he would be out in danger and be putting other in danger.
My opinions.
Take them or leave them.
Blair ♣
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this story was funny lol, and so are the jobs for the man. Ha Ha, its good to read ur stories!
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Well Gary, I must say that you have out done yourself on this one.
I'll admit I had to read this twice before I got it. I must not be as smart as the rest of the commentors or maybe I'm just too honest.
Great job.
Brooke
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I actually found this slightly disterbing but more so amusing then that. The mere idea of someone with a record like that being offered any of those jobs (the gate keeper at sing-sing being the best among them) is both bothering and intreging. Its by far a new look on the prospect of an equal oppertunity employer that is for sure. Almost a 'anyone' can get 'any' job that they like sort of thing. I enjoyed this greatly for both its point and its humor.
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I'm afraid you've lost me on this one - probably considering there are two completely different ways to read this. The first is that those that are 'career criminals' as described in this scenario would, in a tongue-in-cheek way, be suited to these types of positions. (For instance, one that is familiar with drugs would be quite suited to work for a pharmaceutical company.) However, on the flip side, I thought that you may perchance be satirising these occupations - that those in these positions are often criminally minded or corrupt. Perhaps you mean this to be taken both ways?
Quite an impressive list either way. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work that way - at least not from the point of view of the recognised criminal.
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I must laugh, else verily I shall cry. Your commentary hits too close to the mark for comfort. Instead of "A Modest Proposal", you have crafted "A Modest Application".
Very well done, Gary. Rewarded 4
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A little tongue in cheek.....
Unfortunately, only a little. I recognise the scenario; generally, however, these people become self-employed life-style gurus, or, failing that, politicians or journalists. Nice work, Gary
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