Out Of Reach

My heart was throbbing, my palms sweating, and tears slowly, silently leaked from my eyes. I couldn’t believe I had just had my first child. I also couldn’t believe she had just been taken from me forever. I had always thought hospitals were so careful about these things, but I guess not. I’d do anything to get her back. Well I guess I shouldn’t say forever because that would be losing hope. I’m not the kind of person to lose hope. My husband sat in awe, he too was in shock. It was just so amazing, I had given birth to her and as she entered this world, she was taken from us. My body felt as if it had turned to stone, I absolutely couldn’t move. I wanted nothing more in my entire life than to hold Electra in my arms. As a child I even dreamt of having a baby one day. But this was just too much. 1

Electra’s birth was so painful and so complicated. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Her umbilical cord had been wrapped so tightly around her little neck that she choked to death.  There was no cry, no breath from her when she left my body. I knew then something was terribly wrong. I remember seeing the nurses and doctors shaking they’re heads. I screamed loudly. Only screams you would hear when a woman had just lost something that meant the world to her. 2

“Ma’am I’m sorry but the child was born dead. We’re going to have to take her now…” the doctor said slowly. He was a tall, silent man. I felt an overwhelming need to cry but the tears wouldn’t come. I knew what I had to do.3

“Frank, please go tell everyone in the waiting room.” I began to sob. Frank walked over to me, kissed me, and walked out of the room. I laid in my hospital bed by myself, knowing that my brother and my mother would be here in a few minutes. I really didn’t want to see them, I knew they’d be crying, and I knew they’d want to comfort me. I didn’t need comforting I needed Electra. I needed to hold her, to love her, and to coo at her. I couldn’t even tell how beautiful she was, the doctors took her so fast. Suddenly the doors opened and to my relief it was Frank. He crept towards me with a solemn look on his face. 4

“How are they?” I asked. But I already knew the answer.5

“Um” he was fighting back tears, “They’re…not too good.” He was still fighting them. 6

“How is Alishia?” Alishia was my very best friend. But as I looked in my husbands eyes, I saw a pain I had never known before. This was all so new to me. My husband and I both were such strong people, physically and emotionally. We had gone through so many trials and tribulations. However this time it was different. 7

“No parent should ever bury their child.” He croaked. “She was supposed to bury me…” he trailed off. He sank into the chair right next to my bed and broke down. I had given in as well and we just cried together. We wondered what our lives would have been like with Electra. How things would have changed between the two of us. Not that things weren’t all ready good before this, they were breathtaking to say the least. Suddenly my husband got up next to me in bed. We cried until we fell asleep in each others arms. Then suddenly the door to my room opened and it was my brother and Alishia.8

“Oh Clair” she sobbed “I’m so sorry.” She declared. Since I had just awoken it took me a few moments to realize what was going on. Alishia walked over to me silently and hugged me. My brother Ryan just stood in the doorway. I had always had a big brother to protect me from all the big, bad scary things in the world. But this time there was nothing he could do. I think he may have felt lost and saddened. I knew it bothered him that there was nothing he could do. I could see pain in his eyes, two kinds of pain. The pain of losing a niece and the pain he felt for me. I had the sweetest brother in the entire world. I appreciated every ounce of him.9

“So how…” he broke off awkwardly. Even though we were all gathered in the small room. My mother silently walked in crying. But even though all of us were there was a solitude in the room that I had even never known. I knew losing a child would be detrimental to ones emotional health but this killed me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get up and walk again. Everyone was awkward, the whole situation was. I didn’t expect for them to know what to say, neither did Frank. My mother walked over to me and just held me. This was when I began to realize my life was worthless now. The doctors said the chances of me having healthy children were very slim. This didn’t worry at the moment because I knew this was it. At first we were all just in shock. The true depression hadn’t hit me, until I arrived home the next day. I walked into the room we had furnished and worked so hard on, for little Electra. I saw the teddy bear lying in her crib I had bought for her a month before yesterday. That teddy bear was going to be the first toy she saw, her companion. The blanket my mother had sewn for her was to be her security blanket. It was hello kitty. Her whole room was Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty wall paper, pillows, sheets, and toys. It was ridiculous how many Hello Kitty stuffed animals were bought for her by family and friends. I sat in the middle of the floor, breathless.10

“Clair…honey” Frank called. However I ignored him, I needed some time alone, time to escape. But what I didn’t know was how hard it’d be when grief truly hit me.11

“Yes?” I cried out. Then suddenly I was angered “FRANK LEAVE ME ALONE FOR LIKE 2 SECONDS! OKAY?” there was silence. I knew that he knew I was just angry at the world, even god for what had happened. I knew he would forgive me. I heard him running up the stairs and before I knew it he had his arms around me. 12

“I love you so much Clair, and I’ll always love Electra, always.” He said sobbing. “Yeah me too. I love her so much.”  I became depressed for weeks, I’d lay in my bed, missing Electra, wanting her back. I pleaded with god so many times to let her come back to me. I pleaded with family members and friends not to ever forget her. I had so many people visit me, and try to make me happy. They were trying to make me forget this pain, but I knew in my heart that I will never forget it. It took me almost a year to get back to something I wouldn’t call “normal” but as normal as I’d ever be again.13

A year later on the day of Electra’s birth my family and friends had a ceremony for her. It wasn’t a sad ceremony but a calm celebration. However we knew we’d never get to know her. But god had bigger, better plans for her. Something only she could do, something for a small pure child. For all we know Electra is watching over me and her daddy right now. As I looked at Frank and everyone else gathered in the room I began to speak with my glass of water raised halfway into the air.14

“This has been the hardest year ever for me and my husband Frank” I gulped and looked to him for support. I was never one to speak out, I have always been shy. He nodded, smiled, and beckoned me to go on. “We all loved Electra with all our heart, and I want to thank each and every one of you for being there for me and Frank.” I said teary eyed. I raised my glass slowly and announced15

”To my little baby girl Electra, may god have big plans for you, I’ll see you someday. I love you.” I choked. Suddenly everyone had their glass held up high in the air and announced almost in unison,16

“To Electra, may god rest her soul.” 17

I looked in the direction of Frank and I knew that he and I both would be okay, and grow from this experience. However everyday we would remember the pain of not having our little girl with us. But sometimes when I walk outside and I feel the wind and smell the flowers I feel that they are little gifts from my darling child. I will always love her, and I’ll never forget what she would have given us, if she had gotten to stay just a little while longer.18

Undying happiness.19