"You're a phony!"1
I can't get the whispered words of fervid loathing out of my head. My agony sinks deeper until I'm consumed with this one phrase. Ha, agony. Such a cheap word. Arctic. Raw. Frigid. Numbed. The thesaurus isn't big enough for something so ineffable.2
The nightmare has come to life: I'm a failure as a father. My wife wakes me at night from cold sweats and tells me I whisper your name. 3
"Son..."4
She cries because she hears my agony but she doesn't know the depth or the cause. 5
You sleep in your room down the hall unaware of what you've truly done. You said you were sorry but it didn't make the pain ebb because in that one moment, to you, I was found lacking. I was found unwanted. Unneeded.6
I can remember the day we brought you home from the hospital. So helpless. You needed me then. You wanted me then. My world became you. 7
It still amazes me, how those few words shattered it.8
I still wonder to this day if you meant what you said or if you just felt compelled to say I'm sorry. Guilt trip, son? I won't find the courage to ask. I fear the unknown but I fear what your words will do to me even more. I can already feel the pieces falling back into place. My world is being righted, slowly, with each passing second.9
I pray every night for Alzheimer's or at least the ability to forget. Only than can I be free from these hazy crystal shadows.10
"You're a phony!"11
"Oh, son..."12
Author notes
*shrugs* Not sure where this came from or if it even evokes sadness. Oh, well. I think it's pretty darn good. :D Thank you to all those who have commented but I'm not married and when I do I'll be the mother. lol This is what I'd feel if my future son/daughter told me I'm a phony. Just thought I'd clear that up. ;)
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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Very well written, you evoked the sadness in me (now where are those tissues).
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Don't pray for Alzheimers!
But do keep writing. Talented expression...sorry for your pain.
Young people speak out like that to parents. Don't be so sensitive...the world, as you indicate, will "right." Meanwhile, the style is fine, as is the language and the skill. Do a story...these sketches and confessions are ok...but only as exercises. DO A STORY! The passion and sentiments are there.
Best,
GA
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Awesome! You made me feel some emotions while reading this. Usually, not a lot of stories do that. Good job and take care.
October -
Wow, good job! You did a great job painting the emotions. I felt my heart tear for the father. Really great write!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Good
Some insight from a mom who's kids have said those kind of terrible things. One part of you is upset but part of you is defensive. You think--they just don't understand or I am doing the best that I can.
Also, please name Son. It is weird reading it that way.
First line is good, made me pick your story over the other ones.
Title needs to be a name, but I know that is hard when you are just starting.
This could be a great story about a father and son,keep fleshing it out, Maybe since you are a women, try it from the women's view instead.
Also how does the dad change, does he become more real, less phony. How does it change him?
The pace was good.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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it was good
it was convincing i actually thought it was true pretty good.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Woo!
I enjoyed that immensely. You worded this so well that it DOES evoke sadness. I don't aspire to be a parent, but I could imagine these feelings in such a situation. You were a bit vague, but I don't think that detracts from what you wrote. More, I think it heightens the moment. *Nod* I did notice a few grammatical errors (sorry, it's the grammar nazi in me at work). For example:
"It still amazes me, how those few words shattered it."
The comma is unneeded here. *Shrugs* No big deal. Awesome write.beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 8, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good
you would think that you had actually experienced this yourself...well writenbeginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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that was good but you need more detail you started at the end of it come on when did he say that why were you fighting what but you did do a good job
overall: 6.
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Marvelous. A heartbreaking story. I still feel awful for telling my mother once that I hated her when I was about three years old. This story is a real gem, one that really makes you think, you know. I loved it. Deep and thoughtful and poetic. You may be interested to look into the short stories of Lorrie Moore; I especially reccomend "Self-Help". I think you'd like her. Once again, quite a good story. Keep writing.
~Andybeginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 6, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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You got my mind woundering whats going to happen next. I felt like I was on the edge of my seat if you know what I mean. It was very good. I hope you kids when you are a mother never call you a phony. LOL. A little play on words. Very good keep up the very good work.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 7, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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It's very well written, that is the first thing I noticed. The sadness does show. My only question is if the son's calling his dad "a phoney" is enough to elicit such a reaction from that father.
Barring that objection I really rnjoyed your style...it's a refreshing change from all the poorly written stuff on Storywrite. -
Well, I was at your pages, clicked on the 2 stories link and read it.
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It's not a poem...sort of. It's meant to be in the shape of a story. I do love this one and I have to admit it's one of my all time favorite writes but how the heck did you stumble across it?
~Yink ♥ -
AAAWWW...It reminds me of my mother, who is somewhat crazy, but a sweet one, nontheless. I know I hurt her this way, so i can get all angles...
Once again, a great poem by yink -
that is soooo kewl...you go gurl!!
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*bows* Thank you. You like the gender switch?
I still think it's funny when I get comments like: "I'm sorry. I bet your son didn't mean it."
I don't have kids!
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Outstanding
OOh man...having had and still having trouble with my gifted, brilliant, angry, icy adult son....this turned my soul inside out when I read it...awesomely written...amazing. -
Thank you. That means a lot.
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I love that this is actually a short story..but one that has much emotional impact.
The gender switch perspective of the author was surprising & interesting at the same time.
Well done in my opinion
Thank you for entering the contest
~Pamela -
This was certainly evocotive. Very...raw. The pain strung over us all making us all feel rather shallow with our own problems. I am still lawfully a child, so could not really understand how my words could damage my parents. Unfortunately, our arguments get rather heated, and we've screamed at each other that we hate each other. I don't think we've apologised yet, for any argument. But that's just my family, I suppose in some (like the one you've so brillianty written about), just a short phrase can destroy lives. Very emotionally and originally written. Well done.
Bella -
This is exceptional! I love it when a writer writes from the perspective of the other gender. This is intense! I can feel the pain in this. I have four children and all of them at one point or another have said things that tear at the heart, but then that's what children do, as sad as it may be. This is very well written. I wish you luck in the challenge.
Renee ♥ -
This is so sad. It captures the fathers pain. It makes me feel sorry for him. My parents are seperated but i live with my Dad so i don't really have it as bad. This story really tugs at your heartstrings. I can't imagine what my father would feel like if i told him i didn't need him. All you need is love, RIGHT?
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This is very very good. It was so sad, yet so believable. You did an amazing job raising specific emotions with certain lines. Keep up the amazing work.
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this... wow, i don't know what to say! i'm speechless, this was so overwhelmingly powerful. You certainly have an amazing talent, i only hope you share more of it with us!
Twisted ~x~x~x~ -
Emotional write.
Well it takes time for a person to get over being questioned by a child. I heard a man say in my Sunday School class that after his son became an adult and had a child of his own. He said this. "Dad you weren't as dumb as what I thought you were." Yours will say this one day too give him time. -
This is really good. You really get inside the father's head and make us feel for him. I would love to read more, to know what happened to make the son say that. Good job, good luck in my contest!
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That was awesome!! Lovin' what you do please do not stop.
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I can relate to being the son part.. which was what caused this to be an eerie piece for me. It was well, well written and brought back some unwanted memories.. but was enjoyable because of your skill.
I am sure that your son did not mean what he said. I am sure.
Justin -
D eeeep
awesome painting of remorse... captures a lot of emotion. dark shades of the human soul.. -
Bravo
Damn this is depressing. Seeing as I'm only 15, I don't think I can fully comprehend the feeling of agony that must ripple through your very essence every time you look upon your son. Not being able to help him, to make it all go away with the power that all children at a certain age are certain that their fathers have, it must be the purest form of agony. Very good story you have here. Bravo -
unique
this is very good and yeah it holds the category of depression in it so you did do a good job with this write...keep up the good work and all the best luck to ya in the contest youre in with this entry -
this is sad but yet so pretty
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Wonderful
If you have had children I'm sure you could relate to this story. Many of the people that have had children...I'm sure this will be stuck in your heart for a while. -
deeply moving
It is sad. I'm one of the lucky ones. My parents have been married for about twenty years and they're still together, still raising two kids at home and helping their first through college. I read this and want to cry for you and for the parents whose children may actually say this or something worse to them, I want to cry for all the sons and daughters who feel this way. And I want to cry for the children I want to have some day when I'm married. It is my hope and my prayer that this never comes true and that man can learn to forgive one another as God forgives us.
In other words, yes. Yes, this is a very good write, I have to agree with you, though it is rather depressing. The words and expression of feeling you used make one want to read this slow as if they have a stomach ache and they have to swallow all the time.... at least that's the feeling I get. the part that will stick with me is "Ha, agony. Such a cheap word." And I like that this piece portrays hope and healing with the world being righted with each passing second. -
I completely understand.
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This is nice. It captures a father's pain when the son doesn't understand him. I am fifteen and grew up without a father so I can't imagine how someone could want to say such things to his or her father. What the son (in this story) doesn't realize is that he is hurting his father. The son cannot even begin to imagine the pain it creates. I'll tell you this, though. A father is better than no father. Sooner or later, the son will begin to realize how important the father is to him. Then, he will wish he had never said those words.
Very good. You captured the essence of how so few words create such great pain. -
I'm watching you.... mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
hahahaahhaha*coughcough*hahaaaaaaaaaaaaa... XD Sorry, but when your bored, you act a little strangely. Nice write, cant say I relate or anything, but it is kinda saddening when you think about that kinda thing. Keep up the good work---I mean, stop writing evil poet!
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