Sunset in the sky,
Sky red with light,
Fields red with blood.1
Astride my horse,
Spear in hand,
I rode out into the sunset
Eager to deal death.
It was a bloody border war
Against the barbarians.
But it was the way of my father –
The way of the son –
Fight for thy king,
Maintain thy honour!
So fight I did, and I did it well.
I dealt death,
To men scarcely older than me,
Perhaps with families like me,
Fathers like me?
I slashed and cut,
Stabbed and jabbed
And wove around the smoking battlefield.
The fear and rage reared like a dragon,
Over the smoking battlefield.
Anger drowned out the cries of death –
I flung my spear into my enemy’s heart.
On foot, drawing my sword.
Killing and maiming –
Fight for thy kingdom!
Fight for thy king!
I ducked and weaved,
In combat with another,
He sidesteps, throws his knife
As I lunge for his heart.
Blade meets flesh,
Rips the skin,
Tears it apart,
Ceases to live.
I die slowly on the battlefield,
Heart pulsating,
Wound leaking blood.
Keel over,
My soul is lost.
But my honour is strengthened.
They will bury me with pride.2
Anon,
The battle is done,
My king victorious.
But no one comes for the dead,
No one, except for,
The carrion crows.
For,
They have forgotten us.3
Sunset in the sky,
Sky red with light,
Fields red with blood.4
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Good Poem
I like how the thoughts were strung together. It was a quick, vivid read. It leaves me with the question; did he die on the field like his father? Good work.beginning: 4, ending: 4.
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I thought this had very good imagery. It reminded me of the book "Names upon the Harp" a book of old Irish legends. It has a tragic epic-ness about it. Mostly the part where he dies for his king and his people - and everyone forgets about him. It's interesting, because a lot of poems I've read that are like this talk about the fleeting glory of war, while this one talks about those who are FORGOTTEN in war.
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This was awesome. Very powerful imagery! It's also very tragic that this young man--so proud to do his duty and fight for his King--was completely forgotten when he died for him. As he lay dying he thought:
But my honour is strengthened.
They will bury me with pride.
But in reality he was left to rot--food for the birds. How sad!
This was very well-written!
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Outstanding! The imagery in this poem leave me breathless, because I rarely get such imagery from a poem--mainly it's one thought, one idea, one theme. In this, although one theme, there are so many other elements. The way you described being mortally wounded, for instance. Wow. I liked how you began and ended this with the same verse. Well done!
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10 Stars!
This was the best story I've read so far. It flowed well, and the way it was written in stanzas was extremely unique. The title described the story well. When I read the first time, I began to tear up. Then as I read it again and again, I realized how deep it was.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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Very well done.
The saga and bloodlust of a battle is very well described and implants itself in the mind's eye.
Verse 3 gives rise to the very pertinent questions:
Was it worth it?
Who cares about the dead?
Very graphic and, in a way, a good anti-war poem.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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inspired by Beowulf?
I have a copy of Beowulf beside my bed
and on nights when I'm too scared to turn off the lights, I try to read and stuff..
Your poem reminds me of Beowulf, an epic tale by an "unknown" warrior, tragic, but still, worth everything he believed in (It might be the best way to die for them, as warriors... *has 300's line "a beautiful death" in mind*). Although it IS sad that the ones who died won't live (duh) to see the results of their efforts. It makes me wonder if sacrificing life is indeed worth it for them, or if they regret it in the end (reading your poem made me wonder all the more.. I guess I won't ever know
)
I do and did enjoy the loop thing you have (beginning and ending with the same lines). Although, after reading it again and again, I realize the beginning may say more than you intended? (Unless you mean to give a foreshadowing or imply what will happen, in those 3 lines). If you are open for suggestions (and I do hope you won't take any offense, or that I won't butcher your poem by saying this) for the first stanza:
Sunset in the sky,
Sky red with light,
Fields red with blood.
how about:
Sunset in the sky,
Sky tinged with light,
Fields painted red.
so that it is slightly different from the last stanza, and so that the first stanza may imply 2 things, the sunset's redness or the blood's color? (again, just suggestions)
Anyway, a beautiful ode to warriors who perished and were forgotten THank you for the great read
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this is good
I love the war theme; Thats what drew me in. It seemed to flow well and i didnt see any problems with it.
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Good
May I suggest an even more traggic title. Something like: "Song of the Forgotten Warrior"?or "Song of Warrior, Lost?" Truely epic in scoope, it ends as it begins, showing what we think and who we are are truely different.
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Dark. This whole thing was very fast paced yet still has a smooth flow to it. I love the repition of the first and last stanza it holds so much meaning. The first just describes a battle feild but the last holds so much emotion; to think there the same. Such a dark outlook. I love this! Must say its one of the better poems I've read in quite some time.
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THAT WAS AWESOME!
It was beautiful and i like the imagery.
Bravo!!!
I particularly liked the second half of it.
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I personallly like ur ending and beginning the best...it's the same thing repeated but it brings with it such imagery to me. You dont fully get the beginning til you read the poem and then read those lines at the end again. interestingly done,
beginning: 3, ending: 4.
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Oh yay, I love poems that have first and last bits the same. This was great (ooh, all shivery from the imagery even!). I liked the fact that some of the word patterns in the middle of the piece were repeated as well, the "fight for thy king", and "the smoking battlefield".
And I always like it when someone says "Anon". Really. What a cool word.
Since he dies though, more of a dirge than a song, maybe?
Well done, I say, well done.
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