Tonight I lay1
So short of breath2
Closer to death3
Than I have last4
Inside my mind5
I search my past6
The shadows cast,7
They haunt my soul8
Not like demons9
But more like holes10
Loud ringing tolls11
From bells of pain12
They hit like hail13
A solid rain14
So much disdain15
This evil world16
How do I move?17
My toes are curled18
My thoughts are swirled19
My posture weak20
It consumes me21
Within I shriek22
A pitch-less peak23
A silent scream24
Body shivers25
Nightmarish dream26
So real it seems27
At last I wake28
Tormenting sleep29
So much at stake30
Was it all fake?31
I’ll never know…32
Author notes
I read and commented on My Savior's Feet by OnFire4Jesus. I will probably read others in this contest.
This poem obviously is about those nightmares that seem all too real. Haven't had one in a long, looooonnnnnggg time, but you never can forget them. By the way, I figured since I never wrote in this style, I may as well write in a completely different topic as well. I hope you all enjoy.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Good use of form, and nice rhyming scheme. I liked the line "A pitch-less peak" including the alliteration.
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This is by far the best entry that I have read in this contest so far. You deserve to win, not only did you follow the rules to a T, you managed to do so and have it make complete sense throughout the write, great job, I could learn a thing or two from you about this type of poetry, although it is a form, i probably won't try too often down the road
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"Ultra cool" huh? lol Thanks
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excellent
I loved the rhythm of this write and the images pounded into the reader...ultra cool!!! Oh, I forgot to say good luck in the contest may the best cat win
Edited on Apr 01, 6:14 p.m. because ''. -
You got the continuing feeling going with the rhymes from one stanza to the next, I didn't make that...Well done!
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wow, you've really mastered this form. this poem is excellently written and it flows very well. great job on this and good luck in the contest!
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Wow! This left me with an increasing feel of anxiety, which means that your poem is obviously written very well! You did a great job with the form and you successfully linked the stanzas together with careful attention to the appropriate rhyme scheme. I'm impressed! Good luck in the contest!
Lorena -
I can only echo the critiques already made; it was excellent, it flowed well and maintained its theme extremelty well without being contrived.I really enjoyed this poem and wish you the best of luck, Paul
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WOW..you did a magnificent job with this. Made it seem so easy, and I found it extremely difficult. I think if I would have read this first I would have never entered. But then again, to learn a new form is what it's about, not the win or loss. Which, well I think this is EXCELLENT
S♠m
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Your images are surreal and haunting. You have painted very vivid pictures with your words, and unanswered questions that you must search and find the answers to for yourself. Very impressive. You have captured the form as if you've used it many times. This is hauntingly beautiful. The best to you in the challenge.
Renee ♥ -
you did an excellent job....
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You're right, this isn't really my norm... but I think I did a good job. Who says poets cant write fiction? lol
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hmm.. although this may feel like a topic entirely different to you.. i see some underlying similarities to what you may have experienced in your life... or.. maybe what you fear.
none the less excellent job.. i'm gonna give it try.. Good Luck to you
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Excellent imagery ...good luck in the contest!!
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Wonderful stream of Pathya Vat!
However the last line of the first stanza Than I have last is a little strange and doesn't really make any sense. From your authors comments I would guess that you mean that this is a feeling that you have experienced before, only this time it is worse. Maybe something like 'I cannot last' would make more sense and still fit in with the syllable count and the retain the end rhyme that you need for the next stanza.
In stanza three, I thought that 'from' bells of pain, ran better than on.
I particularly liked stanzas 5/6/7, wonderfully word choice with some great imagery
Kat xxx -
Thank you for accepting an honest critwue and thank you for giving one. If you rewrite yours I will be happy to look at it again.
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Thank You so much for reading mine and commenting on it You did an amazing job on this The flow was so perfect (much better than mine) and I am glad I came and read this. I think I am gonna try and work more on this form and shapen it up Good Luck my friend!! God Bless You!!
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This is an excellent Pathya Vat chain. It not only follows the form perfectly, but also easily can be heard for its lyrical quality. Additionally, you did a perfect job of taking the rhyme from the preceding stanza, and incorporating it into the next, so that it becomes an complex pathya vat abbc dcce feeg... rhyme. Yes, we do notice such form constructs, particularly since they are what the multiple stanza forms aspire to I echo secberm's comments above -- yes, you make it flow.
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this is a really good poem it discribes me in a way so good luck sleeping
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Loved the imagery my man. Hope you enjoyed writing. A few poets find it difficult to write but you seem to make it flow. I enjoyed reading. Thanx for entering bud. Good luck.
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