Hidden Memories

Chapter I1

Dark waves and patterns wrapped around me, squeezing me like a deadly snakes grip on its prey. I was wearing a boy’s outfit but my hair was running wildly in the wind. My face was bruised and battered, my eyes droopy and grey. My body fiercely skinny and my shoes warn down to the floor. I heard myself crying, and clutching my stomach in hunger. 2

“Miss, its time to get up, your 15 today!” I groaned from the aftertaste of my horrible dream. My warm blanket was pulled off me and soon after that I jumped up and bolted for the tub. “Ah that’s better”. I got out of the tub beautifully relaxed when I met with terror. The horrible tight black corset lay on my bed staring me in the face. My parents always made me wear that dress on Birthdays for some reason, as if I should be reminded that my existence is really not celebrated. As a sensitive child, this made me burst into tears, yet no one came to comfort me. I kept crying but decided not to let it get to me, today was a new day, things were going to change. 3

The thought of the dress made me sick. The thought fact that my parents punished me on my birthday and didn’t love me. My parents saw me as a chore, someone they had to keep to save their reputation. They did not love me at all. They locked me in my room all the time, except for meal times and high tea’s. Everyday I tired to impress them and win their love, and every day I failed. After a while of pulling tight strings the dress was on, and slowly I waddled down the stairs ready to stare death in the face. 4

Mother hissed in her icy tone to sit down and glared her usual terror in my direction. “I don’t understand, it’s my birthday!” I tried to keep the tears back. “You listen to your mother; you’re a curse in the family. We don’t want to celebrate a CURSE”. My father never took pity on me. I walked over to the food tray and took two small slices of fruit, a piece of cheese and then headed to the meat when I was harshly interrupted. “Don’t you think your fat enough! Don’t even think about eating meat, it’s for slim people like me!” mother glared. I had had enough. I bent down and pulled down my pantaloons under the dress, and showed my mother the heavens above. The house turned from isolation to a mad house! I ran up the stairs screaming of joy and terror, and when I heard father chasing me…fear. 5

I ran outside my room and started to scream as loud as I could. Fathers face was red and puffed like a balloon covered in food. “Jane get the whip, I’ve had enough of this”. Suddenly I felt pure fear and only fear. I ran to the window and bolted out of it. In midair the realization that I would die at the impact of the fall came. I screamed and didn’t stop. I closed my eyes and opened them again and I was in a bulky man’s arms, caught just in time. Without thanking him I ran down the street to the dark side of town where my parents would never go. I felt free, I felt the wind in my hair. Then I felt something else, the sadness in the people’s eyes in this part of town. I needed to blend in. I walked around for a while and finally found an old lady guarding a clothes stall. I knew my dress was worth a lot so I made a very good trade. I walked to a woman’s stall and when she saw the dress the colour in her eyes appeared and sparkled. “This won’t sell for cheep, if your price isn’t what I’m looking for, I will go elsewhere” I said, arrogantly with my nose in the air. 6

The ladies heart sank and I felt it piercing through me. “Alright, here’s a deal, I will trade the dress for that bakers cap, togs, top, shoes and socks and apron”. The woman cried of joy and I realized what this meant to her, how I took what I had for granted. I had no loving family and money, but she had no money AND no family. I jumped into the small and dusty cupboard with a curtain and began ripping my past away. The dress was finally off and I put on my bakers outfit. I hid my hair in a cap and I looked like a boy! I gave the lady the dress and started to head out. “One more thing, no one must ever know I was here”, I whispered. She replied with a “yes ma’am”. I corrected her, I am not above her anymore. 7

Suddenly people started looking at me with smiles, I really blended in. I made the best choice in my life, or so I thought. I smelled bread from somewhere, but couldn’t locate it. “ello ma’am, might ya know where the bakers might be?”, I said in a street-side accent. She blushed and said they are at the end of the lane to the left. I thanked her and headed to the ally. People on the street-side weren’t at all rich, but where definitely nicer. The smell of bread slowly came closer and closer and when I reached the bakers door, I realized how hungry I was. I knocked on the door when a beautiful boy who looked around 17, 18 opened it. “scuse me, can I get a job ere?” I said in my best street-side talk. He looked me up and down. “Hmm, you look alright, step inside will ya, I’ll take ya to father, he’ll interview you” the boy said. I stepped inside and a rush of fire warmth set me ablaze. We walked down a corridor. “So, what’s ya name mate?” he asked, hardly even interested in the answer. “its Clarri.. I mean, Raymond. What ab’out you?”. I nearly blew my cover! “Its Robin, you can call me Rob if ya like, I’ll call you Ray”. Though I’m sure he didn’t remember my name, I certainly remembered his. 8

We walked up a flight of stairs and then to the right. The place was huge! We then went up another flight of steps and we reached into a corridor with three doors. I guessed these rooms where the biggest, I was right. Robin knocked on a door and we stepped in. The room was warm, huge and cosy. A man sat on a chair by the fire watching it move, watching its beat. “Dad, we ave a chap ere lookin for work”. The man got up and stepped in front of us and looked me up and down, smiling. “Mm, very thin, we’ll have to fatten you up then! Welcome aboard lad, now Robin, what’s ‘is name then? Robin sat there confused and embarrassed, clearly he forgot my name.
“Sir, sorry to speak outa turn but me names Raymond. I’m very pleased to meet ya acquaintance”. Robin and the man glanced at each other then burst out laughing. I started to feel self conscious and put my head down in shame. “Aye lad, I aint the queen. Call me Father”, the man said. I then felt even more embarrassed as I thought he was Robin’s father! “Ok father” I said with assurance. “Rob, sorry mate but your room is huge and the others wont treat ‘im so good, your gonna share with Raymond, alright?” Father said. “That aint fair” Father gave Rob a mean look. “Ok, ok I’ll do it”. I thanked Father and me and Robin left. 9

“Well I guess I’m stuck with you. Here’s our room”. We walked down the corridor into a huge room. Robin didn’t want me and it hurt me, but I acted like I didn’t even care. I started to panic, there was only one double bed in the room. “Where do I sleep?” I tried to stay calm. Boys could share beds, but never boys and girls, not until marriage. “Oh, your on the floor a’ course!” Robin meant what he said. “To bad you missed dinna, you’ll ‘ave to do till mornin’. Good night.” He said, and enjoyed saying it. “Good night”. I curled up into a ball on the floor and it took me a while to sleep. In the middle of the night I was woken by Robin, his lashing eyes wide open in the dark. Fear rushed through me. “I know your secret” he whispered. I moved closer to the wall behind me. “You wanna get into that bed don’t ya!” Robin squeaked and laughed. “Well don’t just sit there, get in” he said. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t share a bed with a boy at that age! I got over myself and got in, the floor was cold. The bed was warm and cosy. I felt his arm on my hip and I moved it away. I wounded if all boys did this with each other? I fell asleep. 10

The morning came and I was violently shaken as a wakeup call. Robin was leaning over me. “Get up will ya, work to start soon, get up!!!”. I got up and he grabbed my arm. He took me down the two flights of steps and down a long hall. We reached the doors to a huge room full of tables. There were people everywhere trying to get into the room. “Now, don’t be alarmed but on my call run, ok, 5.4.3.2… RUN!!!!!” Robin whispered and that turned into a scream. We ran past the crowd and got the large table. Father addressed us and sat down next to Robin. Maybe he is Fathers favourite. Everyone got into the hall and father stood up. “My children, you may stand up for grace. We ‘ave a new bloke ere, called Raymond, he wants ta do grace!”. The hall became silent and listening eyes peered at me as I got pushed up by Robin. “Uh.. um.. w-we th-thank g-god for what we are ab-about to-to eat. Amen”. I said trying to sound like a boy. Amen’s were flooding in from all around. Breakfast was finished and Father took me to my working station. 11

I was, among three others, the washers for today. I as taken into a large room, full of buckets, soapy waters, scrubbing brushes and drying towels. I began my task, and an hour or so lately my hands began to welt. I had never worked before in my life. I started to cry and the boys around my rolled their eyes at me, this reminded me of my parents and I felt even worse after that. I stopped crying and got back to work. Before I knew it I was looking at stacks of clean and dried plates and cutlery. I amazingly had finished before all the other boys! Very self satisfied, I put my nose up in the air to those mean boys and left, to speak to Father. I opened the door and went in. Father was reading the news paper and looked up at me. “You remind me of this painted picture of the lost girl in the newspaper” he said. It was me in the news paper. I looked away. “Father, I will be pleased to tell ya, I finished me work already”. I said, really meaning to change the subject. “It says her parents are gonna pay some bloke a lot-a cash for h’er.. Hmm. Anyways, good. You can find Robin and do whatever you guys want. You’re finished for the day” Father said. With his last sentence, I left to find Robin.12

I walked down the corridor into my new room and Robin was sitting on a chair by the fire. He turned around and saw me, and then looked back at the fire. I had nothing to say, so I sat down on the bed and waited. Finally he turned around as spoke to me. “I see you have a skill of washing dishes” he laughed. I laughed to. “Tell me ‘bout ya past Ray, who are ya?” Rob said, suddenly being serious. I again, panicked. “I don’t wanna talk bout me past, most of its blurred” I said, trying to make myself sound sad. “Oh, well, me too, I hardly remember any of it”. Robin was sad. I saw it true, he meant it. I changed the subject because I wanted it to lead to another one, about what happened the other night. “Robin, do ya wake up a lot in the mi’ool of the night?” I asked as if I was interested in the answer. “Ye. Ye I do” He replied. “I see, any reason?” again I asked like I wanted to know. “Bad dreams I guess.. Fear”. I didn’t know what to say so I kept silent, I also dreamt of fear. Things remained silent for a few minutes. “About last night, I didn’t mean ta scare you with me arm” he said, covering up something.13

“What were ya doin then, because ye, it kidnov did scare me”. I said, I really wanted to know. Deep down inside, I liked it. “It was a crazy thought. But I aint one of em boy, boy lovers. No I aint”, Robin said with strong assurance. “Tell me Rob, tell me” I said. “No, never”. He said. I felt my heart crack and burn inside but didn’t show it. “Well, what do ya wana do, its ages till dina”, Robin said. “Anythin really, you choose mate” I tried to take the quiver out of my voice. “We can go out if ya want, the bar maybes?” He said, excited now. “Um, um.. Alright” I whispered, half excited half anxious. I had never been to a bar before. Never. Bars were for men, not young girls disguised as one! We told Father we were off for a stroll and took some gold to pay for the booze. We set off and walked a bit down the road. We heard all sorts of chanting and hearty roaring from the pub, my heart raced and I could almost hear Robins as well. “Have ya ever been to a pub before?” I squeaked excitedly. “No, here be me first time” Robin said, even more excited then he was before. 14

We opened the door and a smell of toxic rich mixtures entered our noses. Already we were acting crazy. We ran to the bar and bought two bottles of something intoxicating and took it out. We left the pub and the excitement left, but the booze sat there naughtily in Robin’s hand. “Lets go to them hotel, we got enough gold for a night me guesses” Robin was giggling and grabbed my arm. We walked down another road and saw a bright house full of lights. It said “Hotel de Hotel”. The name was very strange, as if it had been decided when the owners were drunk. Robin and I went to the front desk and got our room key. We walked up stairs and entered the room.. And locked the door. “So now what?” I said, feeling suddenly nervous about the situation. “Well, lets open de bottles shal we?” Robin laughed and I joined in. We opened one and tasted bitter sweet at the same time. We started laughing more and more and more. Everything went black.15

When I woke up we where both on the floor next to the bottles… that were completely empty. The room was dirty and completely messed up. I freaked out. My stomach was groaning and pounding and I felt dizzy. “Robin, Robin get up, where are we?” I whispered loudly in fear. “Ugh, my stomach, awh, where are we?” Robin groaned. We sat there for a while and tried to remember what happened. I remembered the bar and getting into the room. I remembered. “We ‘ave to get home, and come up with an excuse or Dad will kill us!” Robin shot up leaving me on the floor. Slowly I moved and used Robin as a tool to pull myself fully up. We ran all the way home. Our return did not go as smoothly as we wanted it to. Father pulled us up the stairs by the collar and took no pity on us. Teasing eyes stared from all around, and both our cheeks turned red. We were soon in his office and sat down by the fire. “Where were ya last night, Robin ya tell me right now” Father screamed. “I aint remember! We got lost and ‘ave been tryin to find our way back! We took a ride with some nice bloke and got back ‘ere just now, I swear” Robin tried, he failed. “I smell the liquor on ya. BOTH of ya. Youz will go to your room and stay there without breakfast. GO NOW”, Father screamed. We ran out the door both crying of shame and regret, coming here was a mistake. I felt horrible; I had let down the one person who gave me a chance, a home, a life. On my first day. 16


Robin glared at me in his chair by the fire, as if it had been my fault. This made my stomach feel even worse, and I opened the window to breath in fresh air. Instead thick smoke from the bread cooking below entered my nose. I thought it would be back to sleeping on the floor, for me. I sat on the floor boards and waited for my eyes to shut, and wake up in my horror filled house in the upper side of town. Instead when I opened them I was still remaining in suddenly empty cold room. I sat there for a while looking at Robin, and he sat there sulking and looking at the open window. I saw that the cold was blowing though him, so I got up and closed the window. “Bout time ya closed that thing”, he said dryly. I closed my eyes and slowly opened them and sat on the bed. I saw a small glass jar on the bedside table and examined it. There was a pleasant aroma coming from it when I opened the lid, so dipped my fingers into it and was about to rub it into my hands. “aint ya gonna ask me if ya can use me cream?” Robin said, with sarcastic humour in his voice, (something I didn’t hear much from him). “I’m sorry.. I didn’t think I needed to ask” I said, and really was sorry. Robin had a smirk on his face and it turned into a grin. He walked over to the bed and sat down next to me, staring at me and thinking. “Why are ya lookin at me like that? Its scarin me” I said, afraid.17

“I’m just thinking, since it is my cream ya usin, then I guess I can put it on ya cant I? Robin whispered. He took the cream out of my fingertips and rubbed it into his hand. I didn’t know what to think or do but I sat there, I couldn’t move. His hands were soft but at the same time rough. He started to massage the cream into my hands and I began to lie back. I could feel myself fall asleep but I was still wide awake. I lay down fully and he lay next to me. I didn’t know why Robin had so many mood swings, or why he did what he did to me, why he hated me and the next minute laid next to me. He continued massaging my hands. I felt so serene. My hands were suddenly soaked in cream, and Robin stopped. I opened my eyes and his face was near mine. His eyes were staring into mine so deeply and I the same to him. Did he do this because he thought I was a boy? I didn’t know why, but I lay my head on his chest and felt him breathing. I looked up into his eyes and he was still looking at mine. I moved back realising the situation; I was a 14 year old girl on a bed leaning on a boy I had basically just met. His eyes turned darker and I saw his thinking face appearing. 18

He lifted his hand and slowly removed my baker’s hat. My hair fell loosely around my face and shoulders. “Oh no” I screamed in shock as I grabbed the hat and put it back on. I flinched and got up. “I’ve known since the start. I’ve always known ya secret, trust me” He said, hushing me down. I started to feel tears forming and I lunged towards him, crying into his chest. I lay there like that for a while and it got dark outside. We sat there in each others arms silently. I had finally got what I wanted, someone I could cry to, someone who listens to me, someone who... “I love you”, the words came out of Robins mouth like a flowing river. I didn’t reply, I just sat there. I didn’t love him. I didn’t even know him, he was just beautiful to me. He had introduced me to alcohol and uses me for himself, but I didn’t care, what I wanted was a thing of the past. 19

The night began to fall so we turned off the lamp and went under the covers. I wasn’t cold anymore, or teary. My heart felt like it was about to burst with shame. We settled down and I was still leaning on his chest just for the sake of it. He put his arm around me and lowered it to my hip. He left it there; my body was not mine anymore. We fell asleep. 20

I was awakened by a loud carriage sound. I heard many galloping hooves and the high crack of a whip. Something felt sick in the air. I felt Robin’s chest pounding and the panic in his eyes. “I’m sorry.” Robin’s voice quivered for the first time. I know someone was waiting for me outside. Robin pulled me out of the bed and pushed my hand to his heart. “Goodbye Clarissa”. His heart heaved as the words came out. Tears began to flow down my face as I heard the heavy foot steps of Father come up the stairs and down the hall to our room’s direction. Whoever was outside, they were there for me. There was a huge bang on the door as it was flung open. I held onto the bed post tightly as Father began pulling me away. I screamed and cried and yelped and didn’t stop. Father and Robin betrayed me. They turned me in and tricked me, Robin used me. 21

I was ripped from the house and taken away. A black shadow downed on me as I was forced into a black carriage. It had a haunted touch with deep almost black purple cushioning, as if had been fitted for a dark clown. I had lost my self respect and freedom. The tears formed a frame around my face; one day I will get them. It was raining outside and the thunder boomed in my ears. The carriage started moving fast and I couldn’t see anything. It smelled like rich perfumes that reminding me of the toxic smell of the pub. It made me feel sick. I cried and cried and made noise and once again no one came to me, all I had gained was taken away from me. All I loved was ripped from my heart and locked away in a chamber of pain and tears. 22

I kept weeping in sorrow when my eyes cleared and I saw an old lady sitting on the chair. I could tell she was rich and completely arrogant. She had her pointy nose up in the air and her back strait like a ruler. When I thought of old people I thought of sweet loving elderly who welcome you and warm your heart. This was not at all what this lady was like. She was wearing a tight corset with a hideous pattern on it- once again the dark purples and blacks. I couldn’t understand why someone would dress so depressingly. She was a very rich woman, perhaps a royal, I thought. Her eyes were gaping and her cheeks were freshly pinched to get that clownish red look in them. I didn’t like her, my great Aunt. I sat there on the velvet seat for hours on end staring outside the window. I was not going home at all; she was taking me far away. 23

I got lost in a trance when the carriage suddenly stoped. I was lunged out of my seat and landed on Aunty because of the impact. I didn’t apologize and didn’t intend to. It was still raining outside and the thunder still roared in my ears. The lady got out of the carriage and a man standing outside took her somewhere, covering her with an umbrella. I began to feel very scared, and alone. Suddenly he was back and pulled me out of the carriage. He left me in the rain and told me to follow the path. Without turning back to that horrible man, I walked on with my head to the floor. Why bother trying to live again? The path was rough and pebbly and I could feel its arrows under my poor shoes. I was surrounded by trees and cold hissing weeds on each side of the never-ending path. The wind began to blow me about and I felt my insides whizz about. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down and turned around.
The carriage was gone, and it was my chance to run for it. I remembered that Robin took my hat off, so I had no disguise. Instead of going on the road, I cut through the forest to hide my path. The rain washed away the sadness, and it soon turned to plain fear. I ran down the rough road for miles, as it seemed. The rain didn’t stop, and the landforms changed from pebbly to rocky. The houses turned to mountain ranges and the grass was long and itchy. I didn’t know how long I could go for, but I didn’t stop running. There were no people there, no animals, just endless paths. Eventually I stopped, and curled up into a ball next to the road. I was to die there, or so I thought. It kept raining and I kept crying. The grass was very itchy, but produced heat for me as I lay on it. Everything was blurry and I remembered being carried onto the top of a huge carriage pulled by rough looking men.24

I woke up in a small but comfortable room. The house was not of poor quality, but definitely not a high town styled house. The bed was made of straw and the covered of hand sewn wool sheets. The room was full of strange ornaments; maps, outfits, and the smell of fish leaked in the air, but anything was better than the place I used to call home, even in all its beautiful interior designs. A chubby, healthy looking old lady walked into the room with a pot in her hands. She seemed surprised to see me awake. “Oh I’m sorry deary, did I wake you?” she said softly. I opened my mouth to respond but no words came out, my throat burned in response. “I’m sorry; you can’t speak with that throat of yours. Here, have some fish stew, it will fix it in no time”. She pulled me up so my back was against the pillow, and put the stew in my lap. I smiled at her, and she returned it. I felt at home, but I couldn’t trust her either, not after what happened to me with ‘Father’ and Robin. 25

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