It was dark and musty. A few shelves across the wall of dusty books had recently been disturbed. The room was square and small, with only the few shelves collaged against the wall, a small desk and a faint candle flittering from the draft in the corridor. A man sat at the desk, squinting to read a large book that he had place on the desk, trying to read it as fast as he could. 1
“Hey, Merek!” came a voice down the closely walled corridor. A few torches hanging from the wall supplied the light to the pathway to the small reading space.2
It had better be very important and not another joke, came a thought from the man on the desk.3
“Merek?” The voice was from a man of his twenties, dressed in rather peasant-like clothes, although they were in fine condition, seemingly newly sewn. His dark hair was covered by a hood, and was only visible due to the wave over his eye.4
“What is it?” asked the other young man, while slamming the thick book he was reading closed. He was also in his twenties, wearing black peasant-clothes. His thrown-back hood revealed faintly brownish-red hair, flowing down to his shoulders. He turned his head and his sapphire eyes gazed into his companion’s jade corneas. “This had better be important, Vincent,” Merek said with a stern tone.5
“We don’t have much time; Phillip spotted a few guards headed this way coming from the veranda. They probably spotted us. We won’t be able to take the way out from the foyer. We’ll have to take that other corridor and find another way to the gate, if they don’t close it first... and then we’ll have to climb over it... Getting out of this castle won't be easy now.” 6
“Well, then we had best get moving.” Merek rose from the chair and put his hood up, placed the book back where had found it and starting to race through the stone corridor beside Vincent. 7
“Did you find what you needed?” asked Vincent.8
“Are you flippant? I only had three minutes!”9
“You said you were a fast reader....”10
“It was a pretty big book, you know, Vincent, and I’m not that fast.”11
With a wave of his hand, Merek put out the torches that had lit the corridor, his adept knowledge of magic coming to good use with hiding the evidence of their short venture. At the end of the corridor was an overhead opening with a stone covering. The corridor they were in was obviously very secret. A rope was hanging down, and another man was holding onto it.12
“Well, you should go first, since you’re the...” Vincent suggested with a stammer.13
“Never mind that. You go up first.” Merek ordered.14
“But you’re-“15
“Vincent, we do not have time to argue. Get up there!”16
Vincent hesitated for a second, but after seeing Merek’s glaring gaze, he decided to take Merek’s advice to go up first. He grabbed onto the rope, and his companion began pulling him up. After Vincent got to higher ground, their comrade lowered the rope down to Merek and - - - 17
Too late. The soldiers were down the other bend of the hallway already.18
“Merek! Come on!” called Vincent.19
“You cannot be caught. Leave now.” Merek ordered as he looked up at them.20
“We can’t just leave you here!”21
“I know another way out! Put the tiles back and meet me back at headquarters.”22
His companions did so immediately without any further questions. There was no more time for discussion. He faintly heard their hurried footsteps above as they scurried away.23
Merek had little choice but take the other way out now. He started back towards the small room with the bookshelves, torches lighting and dimming as he passed. Merek wished he could take the book with him, but Oliver, the current occupant of the castle and ruler of the kingdom, knew quite well the whereabouts of this most important room of the castle, and any book taken would likely be noticed very soon, especially since an intrusion had been detected in the general area. His only choice was to spend a few more moments searching its contents, hoping that it was the book he was looking for. Only then could he take it – otherwise, in the case he had taken the wrong one, the other books, and namely the one he needed, would surely be moved to Oliver’s personal and heavily guarded quarters. After a few moments more of skimming it, he decided that it probably was not the book after all. 24
His other way out was in fact in that very room. Behind a bookshelf was another secret tunnel, one that even probably Oliver remained unaware of. Merek would have to crawl into it, but afterwards he could stand, as the secret path on the other end was about as big as the one in the current room. Using magic to move the bookshelf and the stone brick in the way of the next secret path, he crawled through, and then used magic again to place everything as it was, as well as snuffing out the last torch on the other side. For the moment, Merek was in pitch-blackness, but he emitted a small orb of light from his palm to guide him through the corridor. He had finally reached the other exit- - -25
Then came a flapping sound, accompanied by a shrill sort of yapping. ~Bats, oh lovely,~ Merek thought. They came for him, and his quickest way of protecting was casting a fire spell to wrap himself in, scaring the bats away. The few that were not burned to death flew away in sheer fright. With the bats gone, all he had to do was use some of his magic to push open to the tiles above him. Merek had a great feeling of gratitude for even practical magic at the moment, as he would probably be in a lot of trouble without it. Concentrating for a moment, he slowly lifted the tile magically, trying not to arouse any attention to anyone above him. Now he had to concentrate on levitating himself upwards through it. Anyone that was not thoroughly trained by a wizard or a very experienced shaman could not easily levitate. 26
Of all the things he had learned of magic, levitating was among the few things he was not very good at. He had only met one man that could fly easily, and suddenly he got the urge to ask the old shaman to teach him as soon as he could. This experience of escaping from such deep danger got Merek thinking that he should learn all that he possibly could that could aid him in his cause for freedom. 27
Just as he was reaching the top, Merek reached his hands onto the edge of the opening. He did not want to fly out of the hole, in case anyone was nearby watching. He knew he was actually taking a risk even coming out this way during the early day, but he had to hurry back. He was not expecting for one of the tiles he had grabbed onto to slip off onto the floor below. Oh, that’s great. My luck is getting better by the minute. Merek had to hold on with one hand while he tried to find another tile that he could put his other hand back onto without it falling as well. Just as he thought he found another tile to hang onto, the other tile he was holding onto began to slide off. ~Why didn’t I levitate out? Perhaps the fates decided I wasn’t meant to escape... God, could you please send...~28
Someone had grabbed Merek’s hand just before he fell. ~Wow, he thought, thanks. I didn’t even get to finish my sentence and you sent an angel.~ But as he was slowly pulled up, he realized it was a human, fully enshrouded in a black robe, one so covering he could not see any formation of the person’s body except for the arms and head. He had come up in a corner of the city, against the castle wall, on a brick-tiled pathway, right behind a tree. It was not especially crowded, and he was rather surprised that anyone had seen him. 29
“Thanks,” he said. “I thought I would break my neck.”30
“I thought you would come this way,” came the indistinguishable, seemingly disguised voice. 31
“You were expecting me?” Merek asked. The mysterious figure nodded. “How?”32
“There is no time to tell you,” the figure explained. “The soldiers will be coming soon. Leave here quickly. I will cover the secret pathway for you.”33
“Very well. Thank you again.” Merek nodded in gratitude, then began to leave. The stranger nodded in return and turned to place the tile back, and for a moment the silhouette of the side of the stranger’s face was exposed. Do I know you? Merek wondered. But he could not think on it. He only saw the curve of the face for a split second, and he had to run. On his way to his headquarters, a few wanted-posters caught his eye, and some of his own comrades were among the drawn figures. Another poster, a reward poster in particular, was made by King Oliver requesting someone with knowledge of the Greek language. ~I knew it,~ Merek thought. ~He is going to be using that book for his own purposes.~34
He made it back to his headquarters in the nearby woods un-followed and unnoticed. Most of them seemed quite shocked to see Merek come through the doorway. Vincent and Phillip were the first to greet him.35
“Ah, Merek! You made it!” shouted Vincent.36
“Merek! I thought you were a goner!” said Phillip.37
“Nonsense. We all know Merek is a hard man to catch.”38
“But how you did escape from that tunnel?”39
“There was another way out, like I said,” Merek replied, sitting down at the headquarters’ main table. Everyone gave him a pat on the back and sat down at adjacent chairs.40
“Why didn’t you use this other way instead of going into the castle?”41
“Because,” Merek explained, “I didn’t remember where the other tunnel came up. I knew the general area, but not the exact location, spot and tile. It was a rather secluded place, and I only used that particular tunnel once before.”42
“Just how many secret tunnels do you know about?” Vincent wondered out loud.43
“A fair few. I told you, I got to know some of the castle’s tunnels very well.”44
“That’s right. You used to go in them with...”45
“Do not finish that sentence.” Merek ordered coldly.46
“What? What did I say?”47
“It was nothing you did say, it was what you were about to say. You know quite well she is probably dead, so don’t even mention her.”48
“Am I missing something here, men?” said another of their comrades.49
“Yeah, Morris, you probably are.” Vincent answered.50
“I knew a girl for a time back some seven years ago. We used to go through those tunnels.”51
“But you haven’t seen that girl in seven years!” Morris exclaimed. “Why are you being so sensitive about it? She was just an ordinary...”52
“There was nothing ordinary about her! That girl was the only person I ever called a friend! ” Merek raised his voice.53
“Stop it, already.” Vincent interrupted. “Morris, you should not ask such questions. You know Merek is our leader, and not only that, I would also have you know...”54
“Never mind that,” Merek cut in. “We’re all in this together for a single purpose – to live free from an evil man who has taken this kingdom.”55
“But what about all that he has taken away from you?” Vincent asked. “You don’t care about that?”56
“No, not really.” Merek shook his head. “If we get rid of Lord Oliver, that is good enough for me. Once he is out of the way, everything will be like it was before. Well, at least they won’t have a tyrant as a self-proclaimed king, anyway.”57
“So what was it you were looking for? You never explained why we need that book, because you said we should leave before sunrise.” Morris asked.58
“Well, sadly, our dawn-leaving didn’t help much, since we had so much trouble getting in, but... Anyway, the book that has all of the laws about who can and who cannot be king, according to the kingdom’s own first ruler, King Adam. Oliver has the public believing he has taken the kingdom under the old law laid down by King Adam. That way, people now think he is the actual rightful king in legal terms. He has the book that has the royal law written in it, and everyone knew that only the reigning king had the original book, and no one will dare challenge Oliver, so they have little choice of believing, let alone thinking, otherwise.”59
“But you don’t think he’s telling the truth. You want to get the book and call his bluff.”60
“I don’t think he’s not telling the truth, I know he’s not.”61
“Huh?” Morris said out loud. “How exactly do you know that? You couldn’t have seen the original book yourself!”62
“I didn’t see the original, but I did see a copy. I don’t suppose you caught the line ‘the reigning king had the original book’?” Merek recalled to him.63
“You mean there are other books? Then why not just get those and show them to the people?” Vincent wondered.64
“I don’t suppose any of you recall that Oliver raided and burned most of the public library down? It’s only a pile of bricks now.”65
“So you’re saying he burned all of the other copies?” Morris said incredulously. “Then who’s to say he didn’t burn the original?”66
“I know he didn’t,” Merek claimed. “Most of the people know at least some of the royalty rules. Surely even some or all you know some of it?”67
“Yes, we do know some, but where are you going with this line of thought?”68
“He would not burn the original because he needs to copy down - or keep and erase the rest - what the public likely knows, and whatever parts of it that may come to his advantage. The only part he really needs to change is that only the original royal line can rule, or at least someone closely related to the original heirs. He wants to change it so that anyone that claims the throne as a steward or some who overthrew the true king can also rule as true king.”69
“That’s ridiculous. No kingdom has ever had such a law.” Morris scoffed. 70
“That’s true. But Avaria has had very unusual laws, such as the law that the public can elect a steward or a new king if the true king has gone to war, died, or is incapable of fulfilling his duty, in the case that a legal heir cannot or will not take the throne. That is a commonly known law.”71
“That’s true,” said Vincent, “even I have heard of that law.”72
“So then you know why he thinks he can make that law of his part of the rigged version. The first king made some odd laws. He can pick and choose whatever he wants from the book, without anyone bringing any hard evidence against his ‘updated’ version.”73
“Well, he’s been in rule for almost a year, don’t you think he would have made his changes already?” Morris asked.74
“No. First, I do not think he has known about the secret passage for very long, because that passage, of course, is not obvious, and nowhere near the king’s chambers or anything of much importance. I am quite surprised he found it at all. Second, he can’t read the book at all.”75
“Okay, this keeps getting deeper and deeper. How do you know all of this?”76
“I read a copy once. It said it had been translated from the original Greek text. And the books I looked at were all in Greek, except for the most recent ones. I don’t suppose any of you noticed the posters in the city about Oliver requesting anyone with knowledge of Greek?”77
“Good Lord be praised,” said another of the company. “You know an awful lot of smarts, don’t you Merek?”78
“Well...” Merek shrugged a bit. “Uh, moving on. Now, since most of the books, including the Avarian Royalty Laws book, are in Greek, he doesn’t know a noun from a verb. He needs an interpreter to read it for him. So luckily, we still have time. If not for the Greek text, we would most likely be fighting for a lost cause, unless we resort to rebellion. And with our numbers right now, we’d be slaughtered. So, we have to work quickly. We need that book, and we need it soon. It won’t be long before Oliver gets his interpreter with the price he’s offering.”79
“One question...” Morris started.80
“Yes, Morris?” sighed Merek.81
“If the copies were translated into English, why didn’t he get one before he burned the library? And if the original was so hard to find, again, why didn’t he save a copy? And who’s to say someone didn’t check out a copy before the library was burned? We could ask around town to see if anyone has one!”82
“I don’t think he knew the original was Greek. He did his homework on taking over other countries, but let’s say he didn’t exactly pass with flying colors. And I also don’t think that he thought the original would be hard to find. He probably thought it would be in the royal family’s private library. As for the third question, who knows? Maybe someone did have a copy, but there’s no way to know. We can’t go around asking people if they have a copy of it, because there are plenty of spies for Oliver, and they might catch on that we’ve caught on. Any other questions?”83
“Nope, I don’t have any more.” Morris shrugged. “Anyone else?” Nobody raised any questions.84
“Alright. I guess that means we should get to our other objective – in the case our primary objective fails. We need to get more people rallied to the cause. We have to go to all the local villages, and especially the main city. Just be careful of the guards. We can’t trust any of them to still be faithful to their dead king with all that Oliver is doing to brainwash them, even making them think the king willed that his own conqueror be the heir to his own throne. They feel they need a king, anyway. The people obviously do not feel the same way, though. Their beloved royals were needlessly and mercilessly murdered. They hate the guards, the new so-called king, and everything he has done and is doing to them. They would much rather elect a new king than allow Oliver to rule. We just have to hope there are enough brave people left to take a stand, if need be. We’ll start back into the main city after the guards cease their rounds. We will work our way through the other villages afterwards. Be wary of the seemingly enthusiastic villagers, they might be spies. Always act neutral in the beginning, if you can, so after you get a vibe from the person, you can change your siding to either someone who is trying to recruit a new member or someone who is trying to get information about the Resistance. We should- - -“85
Someone came through the door, another Resistance member.86
“Oh, Craig!” called Morris. “Merek, this was the guy I got yesterday. He’s from my neighborhood.”87
“Oh, well, okay.” Merek acknowledged the newcomer. “You’re quite late, you know, Craig. We left at dawn for an early mission.”88
“Oh, I forgot. Were you guys causing all the ruckus in the city?”89
“Yeah, we were causing all the ruckus in the city. Now we have to go cause more ruckus.” Merek said nonchalantly. He leaned over to Morris and whispered to him. “I don’t have time to explain this again. Fill Craig in about our current objective, but don’t even bother telling him about our earlier mission, or anything about the book. He’s looks and sounds like an ignoramus, so he probably would not get it anyway.” Morris hesitantly nodded, but he followed his orders. “Alright, Vincent will come with me to check to see if the guards are done with their rounds yet. Phillip, Paul, Drew, Morris, Cedric, Gregory and Craig – you will get all of the arms and clothes ready. Make sure to keep your hoods on while we’re out, men, because a few of you are wanted for ’treason’ of some sort. If any guards come near, try to leave the area in a casual manner. If you are recognized and spotted, run and hide wherever you can.” 90
Everyone got to their tasks immediately, except for Craig, who bumbled about trying to find what was where, until Morris realized his confusion and pointed him in the right direction. Merek and Vincent went to reconnoiter in the city. 91
It was not long before Merek and Vincent returned with the go-ahead. They went to the center square before dispersing.92
“Everyone, meet back here in about a half of an hour,” Merek instructed. “Talk to everyone you can until then. Best of luck, and God be with you.” Everyone went their separate ways afterwards, talking to anyone who seemed of appropriate age. Most of the people they talked to either had no prior knowledge of any Resistance and little interest in it, or had complete contempt for such “troublesome band.” Only a few seemed even the slightest bit of enthusiastic. When the half hour was over, most of the men met up quickly with poor results.93
“How did it go, men?” Merek inquired. 94
“Not so well,” Vincent sighed. “I didn’t get anyone at all.”95
“I got one guy,” said Morris, “although he has a load of questions to ask before he joins.”96
“Well, I don’t know if you can consider an eleven-year-old a recruit,” said Philip. Drew, Cedric and Gregory also had small results, if at all.97
“This is not going very well,” said Merek. “We’re short-handed and ill-equipped. We’d be dead in the water if I had no knowledge of the secret corridors. These people seem to have lost their drive. Perhaps our Resistance started a bit too late...”98
“Where’s Craig?” asked Morris, looking around.99
“Probably lost,” sighed Merek. “He’s not that bright a fellow, is he?”100
The men had no more time to talk. A number of guards seemed to have been drawn to their gathering.101
“There they are! Those are the traitors!” shouted a soldier.102
“How did they know?” Vincent conjectured. 103
“It doesn’t matter, they know we’re here! Men, draw steel!” Merek ordered. The men drew their blades, and began to fight off the soldiers. This was their first battle together. They were not bad fighters, but not trained as well as the soldiers. 104
Most of them weaved and lunged rather recklessly, barely avoiding any counters. Still, they were dressed lighter and could move quicker and could pull off better techniques than their heavy-armored opponents. 105
Out of them all, it was Merek that fought like he knew what he was doing. His sword moved like an extension of his arm rather than a tool. He spun and parried, kicked and elbowed the soldiers almost effortlessly. The other men quickly realized that he wasn’t their leader just for his smarts. 106
“Where did you learn to fight like that?” shouted Vincent as he ducked under a swinging sword. 107
“I’m pretty sure you know who taught me, Vincent.” Merek said candidly as he ran one soldier through. Vincent shrugged and nodded in acknowledgment.108
Merek and his men fought well, but since they couldn’t escape fast enough, they became surrounded. Being flanked from both sides, most of them were disarmed and held at sword-point, and Merek only ceased his flow because they threatened to kill the others if he didn’t. 109
They were escorted to the courtyard in single file, and brought before the captain.110
“These were the intruders that broke into the castle this morning, captain,” the lieutenant announced. 111
“So you’re the ‘Resistance.’ You resisted, all right, but you certainly didn’t persist. Pathetic.” The captain slammed his fist into Phillip’s face.112
“Don’t touch him, you scoundrel!” shouted Merek. The captain turned to him.113
“Oh, are you jealous? You’ll get your share!” The captain spat in his face, and then jammed his knuckles into Merek’s gut. Merek held back from groaning. “You’ll be first to die. The penalty for treason against the king is death. Hang them!” The captain ordered, pointing to the prepared nooses suspended by a recently built wood beam and floor set for hangings. 114
Merek, Vincent, Morris and Phillip had their hands bound by rope behind them, and were set up at the four nooses, as the other three stood watching.115
“Well, this rebellion sure was short-lived,” Vincent whispered. “Sorry we failed you, Merek.”116
“Don’t talk that way,” Merek whispered back. “I have a plan.” Vincent raised an eyebrow and thought for a moment. The soldiers had disarmed them all, so they couldn’t fight back, but there was one thing they weren’t counting on – Merek knew magic! 117
As the nooses were put around their necks, Merek got a feeling for the footing of the boards he was on. He had a good idea on how to escape now. Not as many were present as before, as they did not expect anyone being capable of escaping at this point, so they might be able to escape. 118
The lever for the nooses was about to be pulled, and Merek had his feet ready for the jump-119
... and the nooses were all cut, instantly. Merek and the soldiers looked around – and found the hooded stranger from that helped Merek out of the tunnel before, atop a tree branch to the left. Merek saw a bow in the figure’s grasp, and found the arrow that had ripped the nooses in one of the hanging stand’s beams. ~Well, I can’t say that the mystery person has bad aim,~ Merek thought.120
As the soldiers bustled to capture the hooded rescuer, Merek tried his jump-over-hands trick and succeeded. He carefully used his magic to burn the ropes on his hands, and grabbed his confiscated and now abandoned sword from the ground, and commenced to cut his comrades’ hand binds. They winced as Merek cut the ropes with a single cut quickly and effortlessly, but he cut them clean through without even touching their hands. 121
As the others got their weapons, Merek pulled up his hood and went to help their rescuer. But it seemed the soldiers were already having trouble fighting the mysterious figure, along with two other hooded figures who seemingly came out of nowhere, the original one wielding a sword, obviously discarding the bow, and the second a whip, and the third seemed to be using martial arts. 122
Merek began using his magic to help out, but in ways that it was not entirely obvious he was using it. The stranger with the sword seemed to be very disciplined with the sword, and could fight two or three soldiers at once. More soldiers were aroused by the sound of banging swords, and so the Resistance had to hold them off while Merek and the three mystery fighters took out the others.123
The hooded fighter with the whip cracked it outwards and lashed the soldiers’ faces, and sometimes wrenched the swords from their grasp. As Merek observed the whip-equipped figure, he noticed a few strands of long red hair coming out of the hood, so he figured it was a woman. The martial artist was obviously a man, because he had a very manly strut and his hood wasn’t on very well, and some chin hairs could be seen. As for the sword-wielding figure... Nothing. The style and grace of the sword style the original hooded figure had could easily be a man or a woman. And the hood seemed to be on exceptionally well, as if this person had a reason to conceal their identity. Whoever it was, this person was exceptionally skilled and had much knowledge regarding the matters of the castle, the city and the secrets therein. 124
As the initial set of soldiers was finished by the quartet, they joined up with the other men, who were struggling as more soldiers came at them. The other four helped a great deal. The whip cracked and pulled at the ankles of its targets, allowing a Resistance member to finish them off as they were dragged across the ground. The martial artist dodged and tripped and threw the soldiers with amazing speed and skill, and Merek fought beside the other stranger, fighting up to six together. Their sword skills seemed to be very closely matched as they assisted each other in disarming, parrying and stabbing. 125
The three hooded strangers gave them a much bigger advantage this time, but they could not take fifty soldiers circling around them. Merek did not want to be caught again.126
“Do you know any fire magic?” he asked the stranger with the sword.127
“Yes. What did you have in mind?” Came that strange and obviously disguised voice. 128
“A circle of fire, followed by lots and lots of smoke,” he replied almost humorously.129
“Say when.” 130
“Now!” shouted Merek. Each of the two outstretched an arm in a combined effort for a spinning circle of fire that exploded in the middle of the soldiers. They were blinded, coughing and perhaps even burned by the attack. And now the group had to make a quick escape before even more men showed up. 131
“Men, back to the woods, now!” Merek ordered as he began to run. The sword-using stranger ran beside him and gave a message.132
“Don’t go back to your headquarters,” the voice said. “Do not think that your other man being gone at the time of your capture was a coincidence.”133
“Alright, thanks for the advice.” Merek nodded in gratitude once more. The mysterious figures departed from the Resistance members as they exited the court yard, and the men did not stop running until they were well out of the city and into the woods.134
“Darn,” said Morris. “How did they know where we were? Certainly standing in a circle for a few moments in the center square isn’t all that suspicious?”135
“No, it wasn’t that,” said Merek. “Those soldiers were tipped off. Craig was the one; he betrayed us. He met up with us there. It had to have been him."
Comments
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Hey hey, Trever,
So I thought I'd pop by and read a nice long story by you, and here was one ready-made!
I really like stories like this: swordfighting, adventure, secret passages, battles, escapes, magic, mysterious figures...you had it all! Woo hoo! I read it all the way through and loved every bit.
I did find your dark blue font too dark to read easily though. I had to highlight it with my mouse and read it that way. Maybe you could pick a lighter shade so it's easier on the eyes?
And as I tend to do, I made notes along the way as I read. Before I get into them, though, let me praise you highly on your excellent command of grammar, punctuation and spelling. This was a really long piece, and I seriously found only a teensy number of things in these categories that seemed off (see below). So wow, awesome, and yay for you!
So many of the younger writers tend to not have these things nailed down in their writing. You do.
I had a few questions and the like about plot stuff as I went along too. Here's all the stuff I noted:
P1 dimly dark is a bit repetitive, don'tcha think?
you say "with only" twice in one sentence there
Okay, and looking back after reading, it really sounds like the "man at the desk" is happily reading along with no timetable or deadline, but really, they're breaking in and afraid of being caught. I think if you can qualify his reading somehow to reflect that, it'll help the flow of the story a little better
P5 I think a better order would be "while slamming the thick book he was reading closed "
P6 are the guards coming from the veranda, or did Phillip spot them from the veranda?
P12 got yer descriptive clause in the wrong spot: "With a wave of his hand, Merek put out the torches that had lit the corridor "
P24 occupant and ruler - makes it sound like there's one occupant in the kingdom, and it's Oliver. I bet you meant the house Merek's in, instead.
P26 feel of gratitude = feeling
P58 we should before sunrise - should what?
P59 who and who cannot - I think you need a "can" after the first who there
P71 thrown = throne
P102 aroused - I don't think that's quite the image you were trying to portray...maybe attracted to, or aware of
P119 and his jumped - I'm not sure exactly which words you wanted there, but I don't think those were the ones. Also, the whole explaining ahead of time what he's doing isn't really necessary; you can just say he had a really good plan. (Confession: sometimes in my stories I pretend that my heroes have a plan and have to change it, and they end up doing the only REAL plan I'd thought of. Makes them look smarter than me.
)
P122 abandon sword = abandoned
when you say "Merek went to help their rescuer and pulled up his hood. " it sounds like Merek pulled up the rescuer's hood.
If you put the pulling-hood part first, it'll sound better.
P124 you've got the hooded fighter with three verbs here: cracked, lashed, and wrenching, and wrenching doesn't match the "ed" ending of the other two
P128 you don't need "Came" capitalized there
P131 the two outstretched an arm - makes it sound like only one arm total, not one arm each. If you put "each" after "arm", I think it'll fix it fine
Your very last sentence seems like you don't really need it; Merek just has the stranger's word for it, so I don't see that he himself "knows" anything, and the sentence before the end also says it was Craig, so it's kind of repetitive.
Whew. I never mean to type a lot, and I try to keep stuff short, but...well...I'm a writer too.
This is very good, Trev, and I'd love to read the next part. I'll get up the next Pirates section if you'll get up this next section.
Deal?


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Alright, I got a lighter blue font, and I hope it helps.
I am glad you liked the details. I see that you found a good deal of mistakes. I didn't really take too much time to edit it, so thanks for the pointers.
I will try to finish the next chapter, but I am pretty busy with college now, and I am not sure if I can find the time to write it out. Most of the stuff on here was written during my past summers, so I don't think I will get much work done until one of the Winter Breaks. -
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Yes, that font color is ever-so-much better.
And, you're 17 and in college? I'm the only other 17 year old I know who went to college that young. Cool! -
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Yes, I am in college. I should have started at 16, but financial aid was too slow for me to be able to get in. So I didn't start until January. :|
I finished the editing. Thanks again for all of the pointers.
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Nice. I like Merek, a good strong leader for the team of rebels. Tyranny always makes for a great story. The story flowed well and kept me interested. great job. I'd love to read more!
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Thanks for the review. I wrote this story about a year ago and sent to my friends, but since I got no feedback I didn't go much further. I still need to finish Chapter 2.
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