A piercing scream broke the stillness of the night. I looked up from my perch atop the roof of the old warehouse. The night had been oddly dark, making the scream seem even louder. I leapt to the ground and started to walk in the direction of the sound.1
I heard another scream coming from the same direction. I picked up my pace, jogging now, towards the sound. 2
I jumped into a clearing through some bushes on the side of the path. There lay the unconscious body of a man dressed in a long black trench coat with a puddle of blood shimmering beneath his head. I walked slowly and cautiously up to the body, bent down, and lifted the man’s head into my hands. There was a blunt head wound on the side that was facing the ground. 3
A rustling in the bushes caught my attention. I dropped the poor man’s head and whipped my head up… Silence.4
I decided it was nothing and began to look back at the man on the ground. As I turned my head around, something whipped past me, and the body was gone. 5
“What the…” I said, frightened. I shot my head from side to side, and caught a glimpse of the unconscious man’s trailing trench coat as something flew by in front of me. I stood up slowly, trying to comprehend what I had just seen. After a moment, I decided it would be safer to walk away, and started to.6
Suddenly I felt a blunt object slam into the back of my head. My blood coursed through my veins, healing the wound on my head. I turned myself around to see my attacker. A young man stood in front of me, in shock, his attack would have felled any normal man. His long white hair blew in the wind and his bright blue eyes reflected the moonlight well. 7
He dropped his stone hammer, and broke into a run.8
His speed was incredible, for after about a second, he was almost one hundred meters away. I never knew if I was to see the man again, but I would never forget him…9
Author notes
A story i wrote for english class...My teacher only let me do 1 page double spaced in word.....so that's why it's so short. I may continue it...
Comments
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Very interesting. I think you should continue it, I want to know why the person wasn't harmed by the blow and who the attacker was
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Don't Give Up!
I kinda like this...and I would say you have a bent for story telling. Definitely something here. BUT...allow me a few critical, hopefully helpful, constructive comments:
Up top
1...You wrote, "oddly" dark. What does that mean? "oddly?" Lighter than dark? Darker than dark? It's vague. Did YOU know what you meant? Will the reader? The next FOUR sentences begine with "I." This sounds, reads, and indeed, IS tedious. Figure a way around this.
Also try not to repeat...for example the word: "scream." Use another word.
You don't need the word "unconscious" after describing the pool of blood, etc. It seems silly. Just "body" is sufficient.
"Lifting the man's head..." of course it would be "in your hands"...BUT...would you have done so? Would any one have done so? Is this credible?
Then would you "drop" the head? "Drop" is probably the wrong word here!
Don't repeat "head." in P5 (That would be at least the 5th time!..counting 3 repeats in P4! Then you write it again in P6. Don't do this. Read aloud to yourself...you'll HEAR it!
(Now I see it again in P6! TWICE! lol!)
The rest is good...just brush up on the vocabulary...VARY it!
Good luck! Potential here! But don't rush. Be careful.
GA
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darker than dark...
I agree with the head thing xD but you try to fit a story with a beginning middle and end into one page lol, but yeah. Scream i actually did take out 'cause i repeated it even more. I changed one to sound. My dad told me to do that...
I thought "unconscious body" sounded cooler...
He lifted the man's head into his hands because he saw the pool of blood underneath it. He was inspecting the body...
Thanks much for the constructive criticism
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You're english teacher accepts violence in writing? Wow...wish mine had. This was really great...wonderful job
Bravo!
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