But She had always been a private girl. Opening a letter which she had left upon her desk would have been a complete invasion of privacy. But deep down I knew that it was for me. Somehow, I was sure she was leaving me a clue - to what had happened, to who was after her, to where she was gone and it was far too important to care about privacy at a time like this. I took two steps back, the room was so familiar to me that I did so without thought, and dropped down upon the bed. Slowly, my finger slid between the flap of the envelope and, with a small amount of struggle, I broke the seal. Then I took out the letter, unfolding the pages which had been crumpled by a shaking hand as ‘A’ had pushed them inside. As I extracted the sheets, I was overcome with a strong scent of lavender, the same soothing, calming scent which had always accompanied her. I began to read through eyes that glistened with wetness. 2
“
The words were crossed out, she had obviously decided to begin the letter again. As I glanced over the words I could almost hear her voice in my head. That old cliché of the voice over directly speaking. Just imagining ‘A’s voice gave me shivers. 4
“What a bad way to start any letter. That is not the way I want to start this one to you. If I’m right about this, it will be you, sitting on my bed and reading this. It would have always been. The first thing I want to tell you is that I am sorry. This is going to hurt you, I know it is, but of all people, I have to be honest with you, especially now. 5
When I first saw him, my heart stopped. That sounds almost as bad as the beginning of this letter, but it does not make it any less true. I was standing at my locker, putting my books away when one dropped from my hands. When I bent to pick it up, he was already bent too. I felt his hands slip over mine as he picked up the books to hand them back to me. I lifted my head and my eyes met his, and that was it. My heart stopped. I thought I was dying. I’m still not sure that I’ve recovered. 6
After that moment, I could not stop staring at him. I know you caught me, I felt how tightly you held my hand when you saw my gaze wander to his direction. I remember the feeling of your soft lips pressing against my cheek when I stared for too long. But it was like an addiction. You have to understand that. There was an animal magnetism inside him, and I could not escape his pull. I’m ashamed, that when your lips slid lower, gliding over my skin, I was imagining his lips. I know it hurts to hear that it was his hands I felt, not yours, every time we touched after that. That it was his breath I felt, not yours, every time you were close. And when you held me a-”7
I could barely stand it. My fingertips had already screwed the page up further than before, and now my tears were falling onto the sheets, making splashes against the ink and causing smudges. One part of me wanted so much to toss the letter away and leave, to save my heart from breaking. But it was breaking anyway and I had to know what happened. I skipped to the next paragraph. 8
“I was waiting for him on the bleachers. I remember looking up at the sky. It was late at night, later then I had been out on my own before, but it was bright. The moon was a huge round ball that was casting light into every corner of the field. I was sitting there, thinking about how it seemed like someone had pulled it towards the earth, just for those few moments. It entranced me so much that I did not even notice him behind me. His hand extended and brushed against the side of my neck. At first I thought he had put his head there, I could feel hairs tickling my skin, but when I turned he had retracted himself completely so I could not be sure. Not right then. 9
For some reason he was dressed entirely in black. A hood was up, shrouding his face in shadow, so much so that I could barely make him out. But I knew it was him, I remember those eyes. Looking into his eyes again, I realised that they were the brightest silver, the shade exactly like the moon. I tried to get closer to him but he shied away. Heh. Imagine that? When I had seen him walking around the campus he was the last person I would imagine to be shy. I lifted my hand, tried to slide it forward over his cheek. But he raised a hand, one that appeared to be gloved and caught it. My stomach did back flips. 10
Before I knew it we were under the cover of trees. I was on my back staring into his eyes above me. In my peripheral vision I could just make out the orb of the moon shimmering through the trees. Just. I shut my eyes as he leaned closer. The touch of his lips against my cheek was just as I had imagined, the feeling of his breath tickling my skin made me shudder. His hands were gliding over my skin, were slipping underneath my shirt. And I didn’t think of you. I know this is hard, I know I shouldn’t say it. But I have always trusted you and so I have to tell you everything. In that moment, I wanted every part of me to be his. 11
I begged him. I wanted his warm breath over every inch of me. To feel his soft lips causing me to shake and squirm beneath him. I wanted to be one with him. There was something odd about him, something unique and I wanted to share it. Wanted to know all his secrets and for him to know all of mine. You have to understand, if I could have stopped it, I would have, I would have stopped it after I had dropped my books and never have betrayed you. But I couldn’t. I think it is what you call fate. You know I have never believed that before, but you always did, and so you should be able to understand. We were meant to be together. 12
And we were. Completely together, and I felt whole. I was completed and fulfilled and happy. And as he held me afterwards, I remember looking to the moon, and smiling. If there was anyone there, and they were watching, I knew they would have just seem the most beautiful thing in the world. I felt so beautiful right then. He moved my hair from my face, his fingers swept over my neck, he bent in close to give me another kiss. I never wanted it to end. I wished the world would stop but that we, him and I, could go on forever. And then I felt the sharp pain. It was over after only a moment. I went numb almost instantly, and cold, so very cold. 13
When I woke up I was back in bed. It was only a dream and I felt like crying. I actually turned and curled up into my pillow, weeping. I had had a moment so intensely perfect that I could never forget it, but none of it was real. Finally, I drew myself out of bed, life had to go on, there was no time for make believe, but I felt dead and empty. I went into the bathroom to shower and there in the mirror I saw the fresh gauze bandage which had been applied neatly to my shoulder, one drip of blood obvious that had escaped. 14
In the mirror I looked so different. I barely recognised myself. My hair seemed to have grown overnight. My skin had grown paler. The muscles which had never been defined now where. I felt so strong, like I could take on the entire world a hundred thousand times and would not be hurt at all. And my eyes. Oh god my eyes. The same pale green colour as always, but there was something else there, a silver ring surrounding my pupils. I knew right then that last night had been the most real moment of my entire life. 15
Forgive me, I know I was cold to you. Horrible this last month. I did not know why then, but now I do. I must go soon, and so this letter must come to an end. I hardly believe it myself. When he came to speak to me, and when he told me. Well I was sure that it was not none of this was true. But, and here is the cliché again, if you are reading this letter, then it is all true. I will never be able to return, I will never see you again. 16
If you are reading this letter then I am dead.”17
I felt my whole world crash. When I had read the beginning of that sentence at the start of the letter I knew what was going to follow, but there was no body, and there was no way. I would know if she had died, I would know if something had really happened to her. I could not believe it. I would not. I had to go on. 18
“No. I. I don’t mean dead, physically. But to you, and to my family, to everyone. I am dead. Please do not come looking for me. Please do not ask any more questions. 19
I love you, and I always will. 20
Alyson.”21
I closed my eyes. My heart had been shattered, destroyed. But there was still some hope in me. The letter seemed mad, rambling. She had fallen in love and had run off with a boy, that I understood. Everything else just seemed like a creative stretch. When you are in love, it is natural that you notice everything a little bit more, and that it all seems so different, so mystical. I felt that every time I lay next to her. 22
Standing, I moved across the room and to the fireplace. Standing before it I looked into the grate, watching the flames, slipping my hand into my pocket I pulled out a box of matches and lit, tossing it into the mixture of coals, wood, and paper. It did not take long to catch alight. Looking to the sheets between my fingers, I saw the smudged words swimming before my eyes. It was a struggle, an internal fight. Finally, shaking, the tears rolling down my cheek, I tossed the sheets into the flames, and turned my back to it. 23
I could not face dropping the envelope inside too. I clutched the garish red paper against my face inhaling the scent of lavender once again. Shaking breaths escaped me through the tears. I tucked the envelope into my pocket for safe keeping, I would never let it go, and left. 24
---25
A month later, underneath the moonlight, under the cover of tall trees, I sat on the spot I knew was just like the one they had come to. I lay down the red envelope with her broken seal beneath a moonlight tree, tucked it safely away beneath a heavy rock, and hoped that she would find it, with my letter inside. 26
“I never told Alyson. I would never tell. You deserve to be happy.”
Gold trophy winner
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