1
This thing called I2
seen as my self3
ask why am I4
but only sigh5
we would fly but6
for my lost wings7
My spirit tries8
but my eyes fail9
the sky to find10
gravity pries11
and my cries plead12
as lies prevail13
14
Author notes
My first attemp at this form, hope it fits.
The other entry I have so far commented on and applauded is CarterTachikawa's wonderful poem, "Weeping Willow"
Also the excellent chain "finding Freedom" by EternalIceQueen
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
-
Oh, quite a chain, this Than Bauk...
introspective, honest, human, ever so very human, a bit sad, in a way and so beautifully expressed.
Pinhead, this is quite a piece, Thank You!
and the artwork seems to portay, accompany this poem so well...
Best to you in the Contest,
a.
-
I think this is fantastic. I just wrote one little than bauk. Never could I do this.
~J -
A
We'll we are both in the same contest so I like the form but it looks like your entry is a bit strong than mine so nicely done!
i would point out that the entirety of your voice is consistent except for the second stanza, second line.
(we would fly but)
everywhere else its "me" and "I"
why the "we"?
regardless, nicely done and excellent art.
But then, Dali is great. -
This "chain" is good. It helps me see how this style can be used.
'Tecohe -
I like how you not only have the rhyming in just 1 of the stanzas, but a beautiful rhyme is intertwined through out the entire poem. This flows so beautifully. I honestly loved this. I also love the art that you have at the top it fits so well. Thank you for sharing this wonderful Than Bauk with us.
-
this was fantastic Rob. i entered only a small Pathya Vat in the contest, maybe i should enter a Than Bauk...it just looks very hard. you mastered this quite well and i love the piece, for it seems to be about searching for an inner self. fantastic.
luv,
*KIM* -
Yeah I can't really say quite well how good this is but it is indeed an awesome write, wow.
~Tina -
Rob, this is awesome! Of course you already know I would love the art, but the poem is terrific! I struggled for quite some time to write my single stanza Than Bauk entry...you really went for it by writing this chain! What a challenge! Great job!
Good luck in the contest....
Lorena -
Oh I loved this Rob! The form is an exciting one, and as far as I know (which is very little! LOL) You did a splendid job! I will have to read many entries to get the swing of things but yours is the first and a prime example. Good luck to you in the challenge.
Renee ♥ -
This was a neat link of the Than Bauk form. Looks like you did a wonderful job.
S♠m
-
Good job, Rob. I particularly liked that the rhyming words in this identity poem are those of identity (and hollow identity terms, I and my) and it is appropriate that the poem starts with these and then moves away from identity and takes on increasingly harsher terms.
I did think that the overabundance of the long-i vowels off of the rhyme pattern detracted a bit from the impact of the rhyme terms themselves. There is abit too much repetition for me pulling the emphasis and diffusing it.
Still, though, a well developed piece, and an interesting application of form.
Brian -
Good Luck 2 you!
wooh this is really good.. deep and eccentric.. a little creepy in the reality sense.. or something, i'm a bit blown away
great job!
-
I can tell by the comments that this form looks a lot easier than it really is. I love the content of these lines. This really speaks me. The words and reflection spoken of here could have easily been my thoughts as well. Great job Rob! You are really blossoming and busting loose here.
♥ Kimberly -
I agree with Blondeoverblue about 'try's' being tries and pry's being 'pries'. I've tried the Than Bauk only once before and it's not easy to write even though the length makes it look simple. Other than the rhymes on the 4th, 3rd and 2nd syllables in the respective lines, you used 2 more rhymes in the last than bauk of the chain, which, even though sounds good, I'm not very sure is admissible. (As I said, I'm NOT very sure. Perhaps I'm wrong!).
I really like these but another factor that didn't really work me was a 'forced feel'. I don't mean forced rhymes, it's just the construction of the lines that doesn't feel too natural.
Anyway, it was a very enjoyable read! -
An interesting concept of the self that you have tried to sum up here, not an easy thing to do at the best of times, and especially with the restriction of the form here, so well done!
I think try's should be 'tries' and I'm not sure whether the same actually applies to pry's as well.
Kat xxx -
Wow!! I saw the guidelines for the Than Bauk Chain and was like, there is no way I could do this. So I went with the other one, it was hard for me even then, but this one you have done is so amazing!! You did a wonderful job and I commend you on it!! And i wish you the best of luck as well!! God Bless You my friend!!
-
You really should enter.It seemed difficult at first, but then I fell into it and had a blast.You would do well with this.
Peace, Rob -
I am still debating on whether or not I should try this form...it's short, but not as elegant as the cinquain, or as generously versatile as the clarity pyramid. However, you did well with this attempt, and you set the bar pretty damn high. That means I will have to up my game by at least 300%! I am stunned...
This speaks of an introspective searching, trying to find and establish identity in a hostile world. I have been doing that for 22 years, and am still not finished. I also adore the subtle rhyming! This is exquisite!
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
-
Thank you so much for the kind comment.I really worked hard on it today.I had one mistake I edited out a little while ago.I took this on as a challenge.At first I was mystified, then click, I think I got it.I don't think this will be my last.I will be back to comment.
Rob
Edited on Mar 18, 11:05 p.m. because ''. -
The contest is already a success when as fine an entry as this one is first. This follows Than Bauk perfectly, and makes a marvelous chain of the form. It also exemplifies exactly the potential that we were after when we hosted this contest.
One thing Pinhead. Remember to come back and comment on at least one other contestant's poem, and saying which one in your author comments. You have the honored position of being first in the contest. But that doesn't exempt you from requirements
Seriously, this is a marvelous Than Bauk chain. -
Thank you billboard, for catching the oops.It's fixed now.
-
Very intriguing form and content... this is new to me. Lovely picture also.
Good luck in the contest, very well done, enjoyed it.
~ Wendy
-
lol im not gonna lie this contest ur in is too confusing...even for me lol but good luck in the contest hun
-
Your fourth stanza does not comply with the Than Bauk rhyme requirement.There is no rhyme for pry's and cries in line three.Perhaps you can remedy this
-
Okay now you have to explain the form to me so I can enter ~ I read what they said but still don't get it!! I really liked this!!
-
I had a little read of that how-to-do-Than-Bauk thing, and once I'd read how it worked, it seemed like a pretty shite form, to be honest. I couldn't work out why they chose to rhyme in the places they did, cause it just didn't flow, and just sounded a bit... bleh.
This poem explained to me just why Than Bauk is considered a serious form. It's super! And the content, too.. wow, it's so simply and elegantly worded.
Excellent!
Mellor x -
It looks okay to me. Then again, I have no experience with Than Bauks whatsoever but it looked like it fit the guidelines. Very good, it followed the rhyme scheme and syllables. Great content in the poem. I just understand why this is listed as a story instead of a poem ??? Otherwise, nice job. Good luck!
~CT -
I must admit I have to do a bit more research on Than Bauk myself (as I'm more familiar with Pathya Vat). Personally I'm not big on forms but this appears to follow the syntax--rhyme scheme and number of lines and syallble.
As for the poem, I love the content. This appeals to me and I think the photo fits beautifully.
Of course I'm gonna have to read this again with my good eye (I have my glass eye in--LOL). I think this is well done.
Thank you for entering.
Adding your comment:
1 - 28 of 28
