Confessions of the Heart

Mika1

When did I get here? When did I so lost, how did I get so hurt, why can’t I be happy. Everything is just consuming me, its just getting too much, everything it’s just too much. I don’t know how long I can handle this, this pain that is just eating me to a point where it won’t be long till I’m empty.2

I sit on my bed, crossing my arms trying to hold me together, but it’s not working the hole in my heart is just getting bigger and bigger. My eyes flick to the bottle of Advil on my desk, I know I shouldn’t, but it’s impossible for me not to get up and open it. I spill the dull red pills in my hand, putting the bottle down I push back my hair trying to think, but mostly trying to put the pills back in the bottle. The sight of the pills makes me happy and it’s sick, I never expected for death to be a happy thought for me, and sick from the thought I put the pills back and throw the bottle at the wall, starting to cry.3

Cáel4

I never expected him to do what he did. He was so happy, I know I have thought about doing it but I’m not sure if I ever would. Everyone is so crushed it’s as if we aren’t whole anymore, its obvious one important piece of us is missing.5

I clench my fists because I don’t know what else to do, I look around at my friends seeing a different pain on each of their faces, some look like they have lost a family member, some a friend, some hope, and some just look lost. As we walk there are apologies and I just now understand how no matter how much people apologies it isn’t going to make anything better. We stop; looking at each other frozen, and as if some type of spell breaks we start to move, we hug each other and cry, this being the apology we need.6

Tibby7

“Yeah I was suicidal and yeah I still think about it but I’m so much better. And *bunny* I love you, and I have since you showed me that there is something better than pain! That you are the better thing! And yes what you did killed me but I didn’t want to be dead I wanted you! And now every time either of them is mentioned I want to cry because I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to be second best or just another person in your lists of girlfriends.”8

I take a breath and look at him, I see the pain that my words have caused and I close my eyes to it. After a moment I look and place my hand on his cheek; trying to speak a little calmer.9

“I love you, and I can’t help that, it just is and nothing is going to change that. Sometimes I just worry that you would prefer them and that there is nothing I can do to change that. But then I think of the day after you told me and I remember the way you looked at me, I just wonder if you were just looking at the pain or that maybe you regretted being part of it.”10

Moving my face towards his I whisper the only words I can use to explain the way I feel “I love you”.11