Those puny insects... insolent fools! All of them! They don’t know what’s coming for them… Yes… Yes, definitely! I’ll skin them alive! Dance to the music of their agony! Ohh, how I’ll savor the moment… the moment the terror enters their faces, the moment they realize it was me! The betrayal, the pain… The beauty! Yes… soon… very soon…1
It was close now, I could feel it. I was an outcast, betrayed by my own race... ohh how I hated their insolence! My hands curled into tight fists, my long, ragged nails ripping into the flesh of my palms, dirt from my nails trickling in the wounds and beginning infection. I watched them from the tower of the building, through the little peephole that allowed just a single ray of light. There was one man, then I saw double... triple... and soon there were hundreds of them, pulsing like disgusting maggots, and all eyes were on me. I sneered at them, tugging my ratty blonde hair, cursing their fathers that caused them to be tossed into being. 2
And again there was just one staring up at me, his beady little rat's eyes piercing through my precious peephole and looking into the far depths of my mind. 3
"What are you looking at you little twit!" I screamed. Anger flared up like a labouring fire that had just been fed with alcohol, and I banged on the walls that confined me with battered fists. There was no way he could hear me, but I, of course, did not know this. When he moved away, I collapsed onto the floor, my breath heavy, and closed my eyes. All of my screaming and illusions had weakened me. I searched my mind until I found the little, but growing, space where I harboured my hate, and tapped into it. 4
I could remember nothing but my time in this musty area of confinement. There was one memory of that same man looking at me, while he held me down by my throat. Never had I felt such strength. I saw blood- I licked my lips and I tasted blood, I felt sweet, succulent flesh slipping down my gullet. 5
"MURDERER!!!" he had yelled and in a string of foreign words, condemned me to death. Unfortunately, death was against his law, it ripped the fabric of this whole bloody society. I remember my hands- they were so beautiful then- clutching the body of a maimed young man and I remembered his glassy, dead stare. I couldn't stop eating. As the man, the live one, held me down I couldn't help but lick the blood off my hands. I was crazy, and I knew it, but that didn't mean I was going to admit it to anyone. 6
It didn't matter anymore, it didn't matter how I got here, and how I was to get out. All I knew is that when this man, this... this... puny little mortal, passed by and stared up at MY tower, I was going to look through my trusty peep hole and give him THE stare. I was going to stare him down and bore a hole into his body, just as he bore one into my mind. He was going to heat up and explode!! And the building with my tower was going to crumble, and I was going to slide down, unscathed to the ground below. Then, I would be free to wreak havoc and do away with the world. It was a beautiful plan, and I KNEW it would work. There was simply no other way.7
I sat looking out at my peephole, my hands rubbing my pallid skin furiously, trying to generate heat, and waited.
A contest entry
- Psycho prompt by Ary.
300 points, ended November 11, 2008, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Okay my final comment before judging:
It's still very good! I see you got a bunch of comments and I think you've changed some things too since the first time I've read it! I like this, though it is a bit confusing at times, but nothing too bad.
Thanks for entering! -
Nice to get a glimpse of how an insane person might think, giving a planning process instead of reaction to what is taking place.
I might suggest finding one or two other words to use in place of peephole as this particular word gets repeated quite ofen.
Still a good write and a different twist. -
INSANE!!!!!!!! I think it is very hard to write about an insane person and discern their thoughts from narrative, but I got the total gist of what you were going for and I liked the imagery you had going. This chick REALLY wants to sink her teeth into that dude. Wonder if she ever gets her revenge?
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I generally do not enjoy stories where the main character is insane. It tends to cloud the narrative with so many red herrings that the reader gets confused. This story is a perfect example of this. #1: The prompt you were given originally as inspiration for this story is quite weak. As OKG mentioned below, it is full of punctuation errors. #2 Your writing has promise, but is full of run-ons. This tends to take away from the overall read. Writing about a crazy person is one thing, but showing the reader WHAT drove that character crazy is what makes the reader want to stay involved in the story. Fortunately, this was short, but we get nothing from this character other than he is insane. That's not good enough. We have to have depth. Even in a short, short story this can be portrayed well.
This is a good effort but needs work to improve overall. -
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Actually, I'd like to oppose this statement: "Writing about a crazy person is one thing, but showing the reader WHAT drove that character crazy is what makes the reader want to stay involved in the story."
Example: The Joker from The Dark Knight! Nothing is known about him (who he is, why he is the way he is, where did he come from, etc. etc.), yet he is one of the most fascinating crazy people/villains I've heared of.
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As this is submitted to SAR reading list, I'll assume you'll be wanting a full review. As such, I feel obligated to mention that what I do I do not do in scorn.
Paragraph 1: Rather than going through this sentence-by-sentence, as I usually do when I shred people's stories, I'm going to make a blanket statement for this paragraph.
You are using far too many ellipses here (aka, the ... things). If this is not narration, then it should be somehow identified as such.
Paragraph 2: "My hands curled into tight fists [as] my long, ragged nails [dug] into my palms[.] Dirt trickled into the wounds..." You slipped out of tense here for a moment. Also, there are too many commas to effectively understand what is happening in this paragraph.
Another sidenote: typically, when I picture a person balling up their fists tight enough to draw blood, I don't think of ripping as much as digging. "My nails ripping" sounds more like a vicious assault on someone else, as if the person was clawing at someone. Whereas "my nails dug" sounds more appropriate.
Curiously, where is this dirt coming from? And how is it trickling into the wounds if the person's hands are closed? Also, "to start infection" feel out of place. You could convey the idea of a potential infection in more understandable means. I'd say that a new sentence would work here for this purpose - though, you could (and maybe should) just remove the part about infection altogether.
"Peephole" is one word.
"...that allowed just a single ray of light." This sentence has a few too many words in it. I'd suggest deleting the part I have selected.
"There were [only] a few of them, then..." The words "double" and "triple" have no place in this sentence. How do you double or triple an undefined number?
"Pulsing"? So you mean that this things were vibrating? Interesting.
Curiously, how can they all see the main character when s/he sees them through a peephole? Generally, peepholes are very small. It's be hard to see through one without pressing your face against it.
"...cursing their fathers that had [brought them] into being."
P3: "And now[,] there..."
P4: " 'What are you looking at[,] you little twit[?]'"
"...had just been fed alcohol and..." Remove the extra comma and the word "with" as neither are necessary.
Mind your use of commas. You tend to use to many. This distracts from the story and, often, disrupts the thought you're trying to convey.
P5: "...nothing [about] my time..."
"That same man?" Which man is this? This idea makes the reader assume that a man was mentioned earlier in the story. Perhaps "There was one memory of a man looking at me" would fit better.
Overall, a very psychotic story. Nicely done, though. I am a fan of dark stories like this. Just mind your punctuation and grammar and you'll be fine. -
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Umm thanks... the first paragraph isn't mine though.
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Oooohh! This is absolutely nothing like I had in mind when I wrote the prompt, and I love it!
I think you portrayed the madness very well! I'm not sure if this is finished yet, but it's good either way.
The good grammar & spelling make me a very happy boy! xD
Thanks for entering!
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Thanks =D I was hoping you'd like it.
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