Dream Bubbles chapter.2 "Willow"

Its a gloomy sunday morning. I have been up since 5 o'clock. Its very windy out, but the sun is shining away. The start of fall came quickly and I am anxious to be back in school. My highschool had closed down because of a chemical leak. Im sitting on my front deck, sipping some hot coffee. I watch cars drive by and the all of the dying leaves falling to the ground. The most alive looking tree in my large yard was the Willow tree. With all the drooping leaves still green and attached. 1

My grandmother had named me after this one. I smile as i think of the pleasurable thoughts of my childhood. Which is hard to do in some cases. I remember when i was about ten. I would climb the tree and hide. Somtimes I would bring a pillow and take a nap on its giant branches. Or on hot summer days i would paint a picture while sitting under its long crispy leaves,avoiding the angry sun beams.2

I get up from my spot. I always sit on the swinging bench in indian position. So my legs were a little shakey. I go back inside into my warm cozy house. It was almost seven and i need to make my father some breakfast befor i awake him. I sing a sweet song as i set my note book and school stuff on the kitchen. I didnt get much done, too much daydreaming. I look in the fridge as i pull out milk and jelly. Then the blueberry pancake mix. I start fixing up breakfast, toasting bread and pouring mix onto the pan. Im now humming random tunes and thinking about my plans today. As im getting my dads cofee ready i just remember i need to go to Kims Cofee Shoppe to pick up his favorite pumpkin spice Cappuccino for this weekend.3

I fix everything up on a plate, knowing that starting my fathers day off good will make the rest of the week go by so much better for the both of us. As i turn around quick hands go to grab me, giving me a warm morning hug. I jump, spilling hot drops of cofee onto my face, making me flinch.4

how is it so far?

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  • Gary Alexander
    September 17, 2008

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    Why repeat "morning"...and so soon? Why not rephrase it to something like: It's a gloomy Sunday morning. I have been up since 5 o'clock! You see? Always read what you write aloud, to yourself...you will hear this kind of repetition more quickly!
    It will jump out to you llike it does to a reader.
    Now...the next three out of four sentences begin with "Its" or "It"...followed by two more which start with "I." I point this out in the interest of having YOU become more aware of this kind of repetition. It insidiously creeps into our writing IF...IF...we are unaware of it! The sentence beginning with "In which my grandmother..." is incomplete and makes no sense.(also you don't need the word "in") And you need a comma after "my childhood" (small "w" for the following "which")
    So far, otherwise...a good start. Watch those incomplete sentences. And be consistent with your tenses.
    Good luck!
    GA