Stop A Bullet - Chapter Sixteen

Stop A Bullet
Chapter Sixteen1

Ashley stepped onto the driveway. His arm remained, wrapped around my shoulder: cradling me in silence. 2

I was more than a weak, more than a failure: I was pitiful, pathetic and I was haunted by the decision I had made.3

Why did I have to have a conscience? Why could I not be like Trey, an animal, unquestioning, unmerciful? Why did I have to be Taint the feeble, rickety, coward?
Why could I not be Taint: stout, zealous and fierce? 4

I was nothing. I meant nothing. I would be nothing for the remainder of my shockingly, tired, existence and I was coming to realize I would die in my own infamy. All because I was to alarmed at the possibilities of my confession.5

Now I would suffer, terrified of my safety and the safety of my mother and sister. I had failed myself and I had failed them and worst of all I had failed Ashley and our hopes of a bright future. One where I was still alive, no broken bones, no disfigurement: healthy and untouched.6

I stepped onto the gravel-driveway, close beside Ashley. My eyes facing the ground, following in rhythm with our feet. 7

I could not look up. I could not face him, nor could I face the truth that I was no longer safe once I stepped on these gritty, solemn grounds.8

This no longer felt like a home. It felt more like a morgue, a graveyard and I was looking out for my already dug grave and aging tombstone, waiting for the right moment to be lowered into the ground: to suffocate in my shortcomings.9

“Taint, we're here,” Ashley said, his hand under my chin, stopping short of Trey's car.10

Trey's car? He was home already? He was home before I even had a chance to run into my room and padlock the door shut. Keeping me away from his hands of abuse? Was this my punishment? Punishment from the universe for being such a fearful, lily-livered, freak?11

“No,” I cried, bringing my body upright, my pupils dilated in apprehension. 12

It couldn't be. We were gone no longer than an hour: not even that. Why was he home so early. Hell why is he home at all? He was supposed to bed dead, wrapped around a tree, driven of a cliff. Anywhere but here. 13

How could he have survived the drink, the toxin in his body, his temperament at work? How could this be happening, happening so soon? I was doomed: I would die today.14

“Look at me Taint,” Ashley said, his finger soft, but firm against my chin: drawing patient, small lines across my cheeks.15

I looked Ashley in his comely, dreaded, eyes: raising my fingers to his handsome, delicate, chestnut-locks. 16

How beautiful he was. 17

Would I ever get a chance to touch him like this again.? Would I ever feel my fingers through his hair. Touching the angelic lines of his curves, his arches: every ling that made Ashley who he was? 18

Would I ever hear the poetic words that escaped his precious, tormenting lips every time he spoke? His laughter, his devotion, his humor and passion?19

Would I ever get the chance to kiss him again? To kiss the lips he spoke from with his sultry, heated words of love? Love for me, and me only? 20

I did not want to loose him. He meant everything to me. I was not sure how I could handle being in love with someone so gorgeous when I was about to be disfigured and dismembered from every which way.21

“Nothing is going to happen to you. I promise you this. I wont let anything happen to you while I am with you. Do you understand Taint? I will die for you if it comes to that,” Ashley said dramatically, bringing my his hands to my cheeks: cupping them firmly, his fingers stroking my skin as I did the same. In silence, knowing my eyes could tell him everything I needed to say.22

“Yeah why you are here. What happens when you're not here. What happens when I'm alone and you're not here to cover my ass? Then what? Tell me?”23

Ashley frowned, his lips curling in disappointment. I knew he had not thought that far ahead, but he sure would have an answer for it. It was who he was. A quick thinker.24

“Well I will never go home,” he laughed, his frown dulling into a crinkled smile. “ Look, Taint, just trust me with this okay. Can you do it, do it for me, please baby?”25

I bowed my head in agreement, accepting his offer of life and death. I knew within myself that if it ever came down to that, I would have Ashley out of those walls as fast I could. I would never bring him into any hard, but somehow this time I could not face Trey without him. I needed him and Ashley needed me: He needed me to live.26

“We will face him together, alright? Hand in hand if that makes you feel better. I mean he has to know who I am sometime. They all do and there is no time like the present. It will make it clear that I am behind you, in front of you, beside you: pretty much that if they want to mess with you, they have to go through me first: especially Trey.”27


I nailed my eyes to the house. Fighting with my conscience, once again wanting to turn around and run: run away from this pitiful life. But this time there was no running and it was far to late to turn back now ; especially with Ashley by my side, his hands still tracing my soft, grimy, skin.28

I had to face this. If there was one thing, just one thing I could do for my mother and sister: I would take their abuse. Let Trey inflict it on me, let him tear me apart and let him abuse me, the way that he had done to my mother and my sister.29

“Are you ready for this?” Ashley asked, facing the house, dragging his hands down my cheeks towards my shoulders. His voice softening, almost a whisper in an attempt to sooth my nerves and terror.30

Was I ready? I would never be ready. This day would haunt me to my death. My shortcomings would always linger in my mind as defeat, whether he was with me or not. Whether I had his love or the love of my family. I would always be in this alone: I would never be ready for my death of solitary, infamy.31

I shook my head, the truth burning in my mind. 32

“No,” I answered, attempting to detach myself from the horror that was drowning me inside. The poisonous fear that surged through my body, leaving the hairs on my back to stand still. My blood hot, heated, but painfully rushing through my nerves: like bolts of electricity.33

Ashley frowned, his brows caterpillars, thick, under his matted, locks. 34

He was searching, searching for something to say, searching to salvage whatever strength I had left in my terrified, trembling body that was ready to fall under the weight of my traumatic, panic.35

“That was a stupid question,” he stated, as we both edged towards the house. Closer: closer with regret. 36

We stopped short, standing only meters away from the door. His hand lowered to mind, trapping my fingers, intertwined with his own.37

“You have to trust me Taint, trust yourself, trust the universe. Let go and let God as my grandfather used to say. You can only ever do as much as you can do: before you have to let it all go and trust that God will do the rest for you, that the universe will guide you along in your path: whether the outcome be good or bad.”38

I stared at him, confused, frustrated, as the tears once again burned my eyes: my eye lashes flickering away the pain.39

“What if I don't believe in God?” I asked, knowing that I never really had a passionate faith in anything. Not even with life itself.40


“What if God does not believe in me? What if I am meant to die today? Can you live without me? Will they live without me?” I questioned, my heart beginning to pound violently inside my chest: causing my chest to ache terribly, my breathing strained.41

Ashley shrugged, shaking his head. His chestnut, locks being brushed to the side. His eyes fiery with hope: with unquestionable faith.42

“Have faith Taint, faith that no matter what happens. Have faith that if you are meant to die, then it is your time. That everything happens for a reason and that even without you here, everyones lives must go on. It is the way the universe intended it to be. But I do not fear for your death. I fear for your abuse, I fear for your mother and your sister and I fear for our love. Let go and let God Taint. It is all you can do.”43

I was shaken. I was tormented in my fear of faith. What if God intended me to die? What if when I was gone nothing changed and all I had done was worth nothing at all, but the cost of death?44

“Lets just get this over with,”Ashley said, his fingers on the door knob. “Sooner or later, you can't run, running does not change the inevitable, it just drags it on and makes it harder to face.”45

I took a deep, heavy, breath: inhaling the terror that rushed through me like a furious inferno. There was no time like the present and there was no truth for what the future had to hold. I would have to swallow everything inside of me that wreaked of death and push it aside. I had to have faith, faith that I would live: that I would survive another day.46

I watched Ashley open the door, stepping onto the steps beside him.47

He drew me close, kissing me hard on the lips. His own tears of faith and fear straining his eyes. 48

All we had was faith, faith and love. 49

But would faith betray us?50