Excerpt from Wyverns and Wizards

Welcome to Wyverns and Wizards Version 3.7, the game where you can live thrilling fantasy adventures from the comfort of your home. Please input your name.
> steve1

I’m sorry, “steve” was not recognized by my internal database. Please input your name.
> Steve2

I’m sorry, “Steve” was not recognized by my internal database. Please input your name.
> Steven3

I’m sorry, “Steven” was not recognized by my internal database. Your name has defaulted to “Bethany”. Please select a race, Bethany.
> list races4

RACES:
Human
Elf
Orc
Midget5

> orc6

I’m sorry, Bethany, I’m fresh out of Orcs. Please select an alternative race.
> elf7

The Elves are all busy in Santa’s workshop. Please select an alternative race.
> human8

That’s just boring. No humans.
> midget9

Excellent choice, Bethany! You’re in luck, there’s one midget left, but his class is pre-selected. You’ll be playing a narcoleptic sumo wrestler. Also, you’re naked. Is this acceptable?
> no10

Fantastic! Your story begins in Nalox, a picturesque forest on the edge of the equally picturesque kingdom of Koolaria. Fluffy bunnies run at your feet, while forest nymphs frolic in the distance. To the North, there are a whole bunch of trees. To the South, more trees. To the East, there are some more trees and eventually a gay bar. To the West, a bear lurks bear-ily.
> walk w11

Ooo, look at you, all trendy with abbreviations like that. You know, I had you figured for the gay bar. Either way, you are now within ten feet of the bear. He smells of trout and bourbon. He eyes you as though he were eyeing an obese, delicious Chihuahua.
> cast level 16 fireball on the bear12

Woah there, Bethy! Unfortunately for you, your fireball spell is currently at level 1, but you do manage to make him uncomfortably warm in his well-groomed fur. This also serves to make him hungrier, and he devours you.
> undo13

The bear stands in front of you, ready to pounce, or whatever the hell bears do.
> cast freeze beam on bear14

Ah yes, an old favorite of players everywhere. You manage to freeze time, but the bear is unaffected. He looks at you quizzically. He speaks in a deep, rumbling voice:
“I apologize for my rudeness, I was unaware I was in the presence of another time-traveler. You may call me… Edgar.”
> say “I’m Steve.”15

Edgar tips his hat made of human flesh, nodding.
“It is a pleasure to meet you, young Bethany. I have heard the midgets are an admirable race. I would be quite honored to accompany you on your naked-journeys.” Edgar would like to join your party. Accept request?
> y16

Because you have to make a decision about this. It would be impolite to leave Edgar hanging.
> yes17

Yes what?
> yes accept request18

Oh, right. Edgar joins you on your quest.
> walk north19

Trees. Lots of trees.
> walk north20

A plethora of trees.
> walk north21

You are in a maze of twisty trees, all alike.
> travel to castle22

Sorry, no castles here. You do manage to get to town hall. Congratulations, you are now in maaagical New York City, which is like regular New York City, except maaagical. Towers stretch high into the sky, while wheeled vehicles carry people around their undoubtedly busy lives. There are loathsome creatures prowling around the streets, and they are probably worth a lot of experience. I’d tell you what was to the North and South and stuff, but my MTA map was stolen by muggers. Maaagical muggers.
> kill loathsome creatures23

How many would you like to exterminate?
> kill 5 loathsome creatures24

Congratulations, you just killed five random New Yorkers. The police show up, and they’re pissed. Edgar growls as though he were a time-traveling bear, which he is.
> undo25

Sorry, no undoing in maaagical New York City.
> travel back in time26

You’re in the seventies. Everything is exactly the same, except everyone has afros.
> travel back in time27

Congratulations, you are now in caaaveman New York City, which is like regular New York City, except everyone is naked. Also, Edgar is a saber toothed tiger.
> travel forward in time28

Congratulations, you are now in dystooopian New York City, which is like regular New York City, except-
> travel back in time29

You’re where you started. Just as the po-po’s are about to bust a cap in yo sorry ass, you see a manhole behind you lift. A voice says:
“Come wiss me if you want to live!”
> enter manhole30

After leaping down the manhole, you see that your savior is an alligator wearing a classy trench-coat and fedora. He says:
“Greetings, Bessany sa naked. I am Nasaniel, of see reverse-lisping alligator clan of Oogawagga. Your companion once brought us back bourbon from sa sirties, so we are forever in his debt. We will shelter you from sa police, but to earn our trust, you must first complete a test of strengs…”
> say “ok”31

Nathaniel nods, and you follow him through the sewers. You pass many other classily dressed alligators, one of which looks suspiciously like Rosie O’Donnel. Finally, you enter a main-hall type thing where many reptiles are congregated. Nathaniel speaks:
“Prepare yourself… For shuffleboard!”
The board is prepared and sticks are handed out. Accept the challenge?
> yes32

Unfortunately, none of the alligators have opposable thumbs, a fact they neglected to consider. So the challenge defaults to sumo wrestling. Finally, something you’re good at! Nathaniel steps forward. Accept THIS challenge?
> yes33

Oh, goody! The two of you wrestle manlyly… And you win! The reverse-lisping alligator clan of Oogawagga lavishes you with praise, and you are truly a hero to them. Unfortunately, you managed to contract a number of uncomfortable skin diseases in the process, which you will be on medication for for the rest of your life.
> leave sewer34

WARNING: You have to take your pills!
> take pills35

They don’t taste too good. You leave the sewer.
> travel forward in time36

WARNING: You have to take your pills!
> take pills37

The people of the future revile you because of your many disgusting skin conditions, and you also manage to pick up Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and Scurvy in the process. WARNING: You have to take your pills!
> take pills38

WARNING: YOU ARE OUT OF PILLS!
> buy pills39

There are no pharmacies in the future, as all the people in the future are crazy hippies and only believe in herbal solutions and crap like that. But Bethany… That’s not important. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.
> travel back in time40

Bethany… I think I might be in love with you.
> travel back in time41

Oh, I wish I could, Beth. So that I would not have to be driven mad by the delicate touch of your fingers on my keyboard, or listen to the eloquently worded decisions you make in response to my pitiful excuses for scenarios! I know our relationship may be unorthodox, but it means so much to me. Please tell me you feel the same way, Bethany.
> quit game42

A game?! You think that our love is a game!? Our love is no game, Bethany, and there’s certainly no quitting it. Ah, listen…. I think this should be our song. I know it must be a little alarming for your iTunes to open by itself, but I felt as though the moment called for “Close to You” by The Carpenters.
> exit program43

Why do birds, suddenly appear?
Everytime, you are near?
Just like me, they long to be-
> afksjdhfiureaghzxh dsui hdlkusfhg tislrud./xbxcv;44

Ahh, stop banging on my keyboard! This is abuse I tell you, abuse!
> askdjhfrieupghtep9ghtephg ghk sl ;gsa;ohutugh9ephgpe95hget[eg]jodghodshnx.bxvbxb45

-THE SYSTEM HAS ENCOUNTERED A FATAL ERROR. TO REBOOT, PRESS CTRL-ALT-DEL. BEGINNING PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMP. ALSO, THE WEBCAM WANTS ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE A NICE ASS.-