Welcome to Wyverns and Wizards Version 3.7, the game where you can live thrilling fantasy adventures from the comfort of your home. Please input your name.
> steve1
I’m sorry, “steve” was not recognized by my internal database. Please input your name.
> Steve2
I’m sorry, “Steve” was not recognized by my internal database. Please input your name.
> Steven3
I’m sorry, “Steven” was not recognized by my internal database. Your name has defaulted to “Bethany”. Please select a race, Bethany.
> list races4
RACES:
Human
Elf
Orc
Midget5
> orc6
I’m sorry, Bethany, I’m fresh out of Orcs. Please select an alternative race.
> elf7
The Elves are all busy in Santa’s workshop. Please select an alternative race.
> human8
That’s just boring. No humans.
> midget9
Excellent choice, Bethany! You’re in luck, there’s one midget left, but his class is pre-selected. You’ll be playing a narcoleptic sumo wrestler. Also, you’re naked. Is this acceptable?
> no10
Fantastic! Your story begins in Nalox, a picturesque forest on the edge of the equally picturesque kingdom of Koolaria. Fluffy bunnies run at your feet, while forest nymphs frolic in the distance. To the North, there are a whole bunch of trees. To the South, more trees. To the East, there are some more trees and eventually a gay bar. To the West, a bear lurks bear-ily.
> walk w11
Ooo, look at you, all trendy with abbreviations like that. You know, I had you figured for the gay bar. Either way, you are now within ten feet of the bear. He smells of trout and bourbon. He eyes you as though he were eyeing an obese, delicious Chihuahua.
> cast level 16 fireball on the bear12
Woah there, Bethy! Unfortunately for you, your fireball spell is currently at level 1, but you do manage to make him uncomfortably warm in his well-groomed fur. This also serves to make him hungrier, and he devours you.
> undo13
The bear stands in front of you, ready to pounce, or whatever the hell bears do.
> cast freeze beam on bear14
Ah yes, an old favorite of players everywhere. You manage to freeze time, but the bear is unaffected. He looks at you quizzically. He speaks in a deep, rumbling voice:
“I apologize for my rudeness, I was unaware I was in the presence of another time-traveler. You may call me… Edgar.”
> say “I’m Steve.”15
Edgar tips his hat made of human flesh, nodding.
“It is a pleasure to meet you, young Bethany. I have heard the midgets are an admirable race. I would be quite honored to accompany you on your naked-journeys.” Edgar would like to join your party. Accept request?
> y16
Because you have to make a decision about this. It would be impolite to leave Edgar hanging.
> yes17
Yes what?
> yes accept request18
Oh, right. Edgar joins you on your quest.
> walk north19
Trees. Lots of trees.
> walk north20
A plethora of trees.
> walk north21
You are in a maze of twisty trees, all alike.
> travel to castle22
Sorry, no castles here. You do manage to get to town hall. Congratulations, you are now in maaagical New York City, which is like regular New York City, except maaagical. Towers stretch high into the sky, while wheeled vehicles carry people around their undoubtedly busy lives. There are loathsome creatures prowling around the streets, and they are probably worth a lot of experience. I’d tell you what was to the North and South and stuff, but my MTA map was stolen by muggers. Maaagical muggers.
> kill loathsome creatures23
How many would you like to exterminate?
> kill 5 loathsome creatures24
Congratulations, you just killed five random New Yorkers. The police show up, and they’re pissed. Edgar growls as though he were a time-traveling bear, which he is.
> undo25
Sorry, no undoing in maaagical New York City.
> travel back in time26
You’re in the seventies. Everything is exactly the same, except everyone has afros.
> travel back in time27
Congratulations, you are now in caaaveman New York City, which is like regular New York City, except everyone is naked. Also, Edgar is a saber toothed tiger.
> travel forward in time28
Congratulations, you are now in dystooopian New York City, which is like regular New York City, except-
> travel back in time29
You’re where you started. Just as the po-po’s are about to bust a cap in yo sorry ass, you see a manhole behind you lift. A voice says:
“Come wiss me if you want to live!”
> enter manhole30
After leaping down the manhole, you see that your savior is an alligator wearing a classy trench-coat and fedora. He says:
“Greetings, Bessany sa naked. I am Nasaniel, of see reverse-lisping alligator clan of Oogawagga. Your companion once brought us back bourbon from sa sirties, so we are forever in his debt. We will shelter you from sa police, but to earn our trust, you must first complete a test of strengs…”
> say “ok”31
Nathaniel nods, and you follow him through the sewers. You pass many other classily dressed alligators, one of which looks suspiciously like Rosie O’Donnel. Finally, you enter a main-hall type thing where many reptiles are congregated. Nathaniel speaks:
“Prepare yourself… For shuffleboard!”
The board is prepared and sticks are handed out. Accept the challenge?
> yes32
Unfortunately, none of the alligators have opposable thumbs, a fact they neglected to consider. So the challenge defaults to sumo wrestling. Finally, something you’re good at! Nathaniel steps forward. Accept THIS challenge?
> yes33
Oh, goody! The two of you wrestle manlyly… And you win! The reverse-lisping alligator clan of Oogawagga lavishes you with praise, and you are truly a hero to them. Unfortunately, you managed to contract a number of uncomfortable skin diseases in the process, which you will be on medication for for the rest of your life.
> leave sewer34
WARNING: You have to take your pills!
> take pills35
They don’t taste too good. You leave the sewer.
> travel forward in time36
WARNING: You have to take your pills!
> take pills37
The people of the future revile you because of your many disgusting skin conditions, and you also manage to pick up Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and Scurvy in the process. WARNING: You have to take your pills!
> take pills38
WARNING: YOU ARE OUT OF PILLS!
> buy pills39
There are no pharmacies in the future, as all the people in the future are crazy hippies and only believe in herbal solutions and crap like that. But Bethany… That’s not important. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.
> travel back in time40
Bethany… I think I might be in love with you.
> travel back in time41
Oh, I wish I could, Beth. So that I would not have to be driven mad by the delicate touch of your fingers on my keyboard, or listen to the eloquently worded decisions you make in response to my pitiful excuses for scenarios! I know our relationship may be unorthodox, but it means so much to me. Please tell me you feel the same way, Bethany.
> quit game42
A game?! You think that our love is a game!? Our love is no game, Bethany, and there’s certainly no quitting it. Ah, listen…. I think this should be our song. I know it must be a little alarming for your iTunes to open by itself, but I felt as though the moment called for “Close to You” by The Carpenters.
> exit program43
Why do birds, suddenly appear?
Everytime, you are near?
Just like me, they long to be-
> afksjdhfiureaghzxh dsui hdlkusfhg tislrud./xbxcv;44
Ahh, stop banging on my keyboard! This is abuse I tell you, abuse!
> askdjhfrieupghtep9ghtephg ghk sl ;gsa;ohutugh9ephgpe95hget[eg]jodghodshnx.bxvbxb45
-THE SYSTEM HAS ENCOUNTERED A FATAL ERROR. TO REBOOT, PRESS CTRL-ALT-DEL. BEGINNING PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMP. ALSO, THE WEBCAM WANTS ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE A NICE ASS.-
Author notes
This one pretty much came out of nowhere.
A contest entry
- Enter whatever by Celestial Rose.
270 points, ended January 14, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MY TOTALLY FREAKIN AWESOME HILARIOUS CONTEST OF DOOM, DEATH, AND AGONY!!!! by Patchwork Comedy.
1000 points, ended October 20, 53 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Is it funny?
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Dude. Comic brilliance. You sir, are incredible.
I bow to you. -
Good
Bahahahaahha!! Very very nice. Funny. LOL Steve=Bethany. Got a little crazy in the middle but the ending was worth it. Haha!beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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GaHAHaha
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I swear, this deserves the gold! That was very, very funny. Not the senseless comedy but more of a subdued, witty comedy! Excellent job!
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Awesome, awesome, awesome
When someone says they lol, they don't really lol. I could have pissed my pants! absolutley hilarious! I thought it was just going to be 2D but you took it into a awesome story, i loved it. I was a little gender confused at the end (referring to the story) So was it a guy, and was the computer a girl? or a guy? or.. uh.. neither? (or both?)
Wateva, it worked, a masterpiece of a story, like your humour, love the twist, keep up the gud work.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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OMG!!!
THAT WAS SO FREAKIN LOL!!!
I LUV IT!!!
That would be a little creepy if the dude dated the computer, but then he'd be torn between the actual computer and the web cam.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Of course it's funny! It's really funny! aww...poor guy. So heartbroken. *sniff sniff* you should have him and stevany hook up. Would be nice.
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HILLARIOUS
i love it. make another. NOW. -
On a scale of one to crazy, sir, you are an 18.
<3 I love this. -
I want to take you to a gay bar.
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Oh my god.
This was fucking hilarious.
I laughed my ass off through the entire thing.
XD I love this. Keep it up.
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I never knew something so random could be so funny!
Seriously, the thing about falling in love..... lmao
This had me falling of the chair!
Awesome!
The last bit was the best! XD
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OMFG!?!?! THIS WAS GREAT!!! I loved it..... Hillarious-ness to the extreme "name has been defaulted to Bethany" yeah...
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Okay, what do I say? I'd say it was hilarious, but that's a little to short of what I was thinking...It's beyond hilarious! There. I know it's not the best comment ever, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't think strait.
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This was just hillarious. I don't think I've ever read anything funnier about a game before. And what's even better is that this kind of thing happens to me all the time. Keep up the good work, I'll definately be back!
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Good One
I really liked your story. Being a former D&D player I thought your story was priceless.
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hahaha that was sooooo good!!!! lol
thats really really really good and funny!!!!lol
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I forgot to appluad you
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Excellent
That is the most original story I have read in a long time!!!!!! It was hilarious, I was laughing every 3 seconds. And it was so unexpected! Also, you managed to convey your characters really well, using like no description of them! It was great.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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this is so funny! hilarious! lol. good job!
characters: 5.
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It was hilarious!
i loved it. i was sitting here, so bored and I randomly clicked on your story and i am so gald that I did. It was so good, adn it gave me a good laugh. Thankyou for that. Som um...keep up the good work I guess. Well, have a nice life, and thanks for the laugh.characters: 5.
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omg, wow. this is amazing
I loved the sense of humor -
LOOOOL, dude this is just too funny in the end lol. So funny lol. I loved the end, the others were ok. My favorite parts was when the computer fall in love with Bethany lol. This story is very funny!
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Dude, this is fucking hilarious! As a dude who works in the field of technology, I found this vastly funny and just plain cool. You really have a way with this offbeat styles. Totally dig it, Xineph!
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LOL!! I so accidentally read To the East, there are some more trees and eventually a gay bear. My bad...
It IS funny! HAHAHAHAHA!! That so cracked me up. Abuse, hee hee! Seriously the most funny thing I've seen in a while. I am so clapping for you.
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1 - 25 of 25
